Our story: Told from Day 2 NC :(

[BrokenPrincess]

Have been lurking on here occasionally throughout my A, but now that we're officially done, I am so upset I feel like I have nowhere to turn to help me heal.

 

I'm a MW who started a long-distance A with a MM coworker. We kissed a year ago on a work trip to NY but live in different states and ended up developing into a strong EA in the months after. Unlike almost all the posts I read, we are not in love, but definitely care for each other very much, with no plans to leave our spouses. Neither of us had had an A before. We're both married 15 years with kids. I would have never thought my marriage had any problems until that kiss and now the A, which is forcing me to take a closer look. I'm meeting with a counselor next week for the first time so I can try to regain some control of my M and hopefully get the sparks with my H that I've only had with my OM. He's only the 4th guy in my life that I've been attracted and I have been telling myself this was a unique situation deism by the stars aligning & me suddenly meeting someone I had amazing chemistry with, but from everything I M reading, that is probably not the case & there's something I'm missing in my M that he fulfilled....just need some help to figure out what that is :/

 

Anyhow, spend hours every day, all day texting, emailing, sending pics. We alternate picking books to read together. We figure out FaceTime and video call at least once a week. Our messages have moved into the racier side (not all the time!), but we also both admitted we suddenly don't think "sexting" is as outrageous as we each did before this relationship

 

After 3 months, we've developed a pretty steady schedule and make plans to see each other. The visit is amazing and now we're in a PA as well. Over the next months, he is my constant (virtual) companion. We spend another 3 days together in DC and it was an experience I will never forget. Our schedules change and we are able to FaceTime almost every morning, starting our work day together catching up and drinking coffee. The longest we ever went without communication was 2 days when I vacationed with my family. We make plans through next spring and it seems like our relationship is only growing.

 

Then DDay just erupted at his house. His wife got suspicious and took his phone. He confessed before she could see the details.

 

I didn't hear from him for another day & half but saw the next day we were no longer Facebook friends & knew she'd found out. We finally talked briefly 2 days later and he was in BAD shape. He told her it was a cyber affair only & thinks that's the only reason she hasn't kicked him out. I was already scheduled to see him in NY the next day, and he finally agreed to see me so we could at least say goodbye (in my car in a parking lot)

 

It was awkward. He did most of the talking and the sparkle in his eyes was gone. He's fighting to save his marriage....I perceive this is really driven by a fight to save his children and his pride. I don't think it's necessarily driven by true love for his wife, but I know he will stand by his husbandly duty and of course he respects her as the mother of his children. If nothing else, he is one of the most caring people I've ever met and looks after everyone he cares about. Does that seem impossible given our A? We rarely ever talked about our spouses but I could get the impression they were unhappy even though he never outright said it. She has a lot of tension with the daughters...but what do you expect for teenagers?! They're going to be out of the house in a few years though for college and i do really hope for his sake he can be the happy man with his wife that I've spent most of this year enjoying.

 

He said he's been a jerk to her the past few years, and that this was just the last straw. I'm relieved he isnt angry towards me and he repeatedly says positive a things about the relationship experience we've had together. My heart aches for how dejected he looks. He says his wife is disgusted with him and that he has a long road ahead of him.

 

Ok sorry I have probably filled the whole screen with this post....it just feels so good to get it all out. Last night I managed to sleep for 5 hours straight but still woke up with "our song" in my head and random memories of him racing in my mind. Today is only day 2. My husband just left for a couple hours, and I finally had the privacy to burst out in tears & just sob.

 

Right now we'd usually be chatting straight until bed time then wishing each other "sweet dreams". It's so lonely not to be able to talk to him.

 

I know the advice...focus back on your marriage etc etc but I just miss him SO much it's breaking my heart. And I know he has it MUCH worse & is desparate survival mode & probably hasn't thought about me at all. The first thing he said when we met this week was that he was so glad it wasn't happening to me and that he's glad that at least it ended like this and not because of something bad between us. I couldn't disagree more! I would rather be hating him right now than thinking of our last chats of finally getting to hold each other this week and then 5 minutes later, he's completely erased from my life.

 

He won't be the type that just can't resist breaking NC...he has firm resolve (much more than me) and determination and everything is on the line for him now. So here I am, lonely and crying and pouring my heart out to strangers online.

 

Thank you for listening. PLEASE tell me this gets easier.

[mercy]

So this is what affair fog looks like. I always wondered. I don't anymore.

[veryhappy]

My heart ached when I read about the moment where the sparkle in his eyes was gone.

 

You have no option but grief. I'm not suggesting you put your energy into your M, but you may find as in my case, that when in so much pain the M is a safe, predictable, even if not perfect space to recover.

 

The sobbing will be the worst the first few weeks. Do not try to contact him - feeling the rejection of him being focused on his M will only make it worse for you. He'll probably come back when the dust settles in a few months and you'll need to decide what to do.

Edited October 19, 2012 by cutedragon

[Furious]

I don't want to be harsh, pain is pain, and you are hurting, I understand that you can't instantly shut off your feelings for your married man.

 

The thing is your are also married, and your husband is innocently living his life while you're giving him a false realty of it.

 

Right now your married man is fighting for his marriage, and predictably hasn't given his wife the full truth of the affair. He is not the good man you've described, he can lie to his wife, and it's not impossible he can lie to you.

 

His wife discovered the affair, and most likely knows who you are. It's very common that the betrayed spouse contacts the OW's husband. You may also be experiencing a d-day in the near future.

 

What will you do then, are you prepared to lose your husband and the heartache it will bring to your family.

[BrokenPrincess]

Cutedragon- thank you, that is a good point. I obviously am trying very hard not to contact him but you're right...it would be 10 times worse to be rejected. I sincerely don't believe he will reach out again. He is the type that will make a decision and be unwavering. Even with our A, I intermittently had guilt or uncertainties throughout, but for him, once he finally decided to move forward, that was it for him.

 

Furious- She absolutely does know who I am and could easily figure out my work email since its the same syntax as his was when he worked there. My cell phone #is accessible on their bills. My OM did warn me that she was in a "rage" and I've locked down both mine & Hs social media accounts. Of course I am sick that she might contact H, but I think it might be more likely that down the road she tries to contact me to check his story. Best case she just stays focused on their relationship. He did tell me that she didnt even know I was married but seemed relieved to find out I was & with family & was not trying to steal her H for myself.

 

I guess only time will tell...it hasn't even been a week since she found out...

[Furious]

Cutedragon- thank you, that is a good point. I obviously am trying very hard not to contact him but you're right...it would be 10 times worse to be rejected. I sincerely don't believe he will reach out again. He is the type that will make a decision and be unwavering. Even with our A, I intermittently had guilt or uncertainties throughout, but for him, once he finally decided to move forward, that was it for him.

 

Furious- She absolutely does know who I am and could easily figure out my work email since its the same syntax as his was when he worked there. My cell phone #is accessible on their bills. My OM did warn me that she was in a "rage" and I've locked down both mine & Hs social media accounts. Of

course I am sick that she might contact H, but I think it might be more likely that down the road she tries to contact me to check his story. Best case she just stays focused on their relationship. He did tell me that she didnt even know I was married but seemed relieved to find out I was & with family & was not trying to steal her H for myself.

 

I guess only time will tell...it hasn't even been a week since she found

out...

 

 

Your MM has warned you that his wife is in a "rage", and it's likely he fears she will contact you, but don't be mistaken that by warning you he's trying

to protect you, I can guarantee you that the story he has come up with, and your agreement to it, is only to protect himself. If his wife contacts

your husband, and she will most likely have evidence to back up what she tells him, then it's game over for you. Don't be surprised that MM will

throw you under the bus and only be worried about saving his marriage and family over you marriage and family.

Edited October 19, 2012 by Furious

[BrokenPrincess]

Of course it's to protect himself...he's afraid if she knows it was a PA she'll want to divorce, although honestly I think the emotional piece was just as intimate, if not more so. It is possible she could provide somewhat evidence of EA from his phone records. I will have to pray she's the type who doesn't want to know anyone details. He didn't say she was pressing to know everything, but that could change when the shock wears off I guess.

 

This probably sounds stupid, but really thinking through all these scenarios now might finally be giving me a reality check.,,

[BetrayedH]

If she's anything like the betrayed wives who post on other infidelity boards, she'll make it her life's work to start digging through every single thing she can get her hands on.

 

And when she finds out your identity, don't be surprised when she contacts your husband to let him know what's been going on.

 

Yep. Say hello to our new (and usually completely unexpected) side of a betrayed spouse, Hypervigilance.

 

Hypervigilance is known to reveal:

 

minimizing, gaslighting, trickle-truthing, secret communication devices, underground affairs, the fact that the affair was actually physical or more than 'just once,' "other other" affair partners, and more. Affectionately known as "That Controlling and Manipulative Bitch that has my OM Chained to his Marital Home," she is now likely to topple the whole house of cards because, as it turns out, the BS isn't stupid; they just trusted their spouse.

 

In future episodes, be sure to watch for:

 

MM introduces OW to the underside of the bus

OW goes bunny boiler

3 years of hell for 3 people (while things calm down)

MM goes fishing

[TiredFamilyGuy]

So this is what affair fog looks like. I always wondered. I don't anymore.

 

Me too.

 

OP: Your energies, your romantic and sexual self, have all been focussed outside your marriage. You're not focussed on it now. Wake up.

 

Come clean to your H. You are reluctant but there are reasons to do this:

 

1) You are denying him the right to make his own choices, by lying.

 

2) It may come out anyway. Your confession will be worthless then. Confession will salvage some trust, on which more can grow.

 

3) If you do succeed in waking the f*ck up, and want to focus on your marriage, then what kind of a relationship will this be if you never ever can be honest with him ever again? Always impaired.

 

4) There was something wrong with your marriage / you, or you would not have looked outside to meet your emotional needs, and would know where the boundaries lie. Those issues must be dealt with. Honest communication with your H is the only way to deal with the "His needs / your needs" issues candidly.

 

5) It is the right and moral thing to do. You will get plenty of support hereabouts for that.

 

I wish you clarity of thought, and resolve to carry through with what you decide.

[twosadthings]

The real problem that your marriage has is that one of the people in it is unfaithful.

[BrokenPrincess]

Regarding his relationship with his wife, I am forming my assumption not just from the random comments he's made the past year but also from 2 of our coworkers. One has known him for 20 years and repeatedly talked to me about their relationship (this was pre-A and he was just very surprised because he thought my OM was such a good guy)

 

I never thought we were soulmates or madly in love, which has been part of why its so hard to find stories online to relate to. It was more of a deep affection for each other? Very caring

 

The point about needing a thrill really struck a chord...I think that may be exactly it. I am torn about confessing to H. Right now I feel like it should be my burden to bear. But I also think about what you've said about full disclosure so we can hopefully move forward. It would be a relief to unload the secret but I'm not convinced that its the right thing to do.

 

The counselor couldn't get me in for another week...I've never been & don't know what to expect but I'm hoping this will give me some clarity and help me get back on track.

 

Bunny boiler?!? Is that like going completely psycho? Yikes hope that's not the future

[Snowflower]

So this is what affair fog looks like. I always wondered. I don't anymore.

 

Yep, and Princess, what you should be concerned about is that your whole post is focused on the MM, your feelings for him and what is going on in HIS life and HIS marriage with HIS wife. I don't understand why the AP does this...it is like their own life/sense of self diminishes in order to concentrate on their MP.

 

What about YOUR life? What about YOU? Because no matter what happens to your MM and his marriage or whatever his wife thinks/does/says, that is completely out of your control.

 

It is odd to me to see how completely unfocused you are on your life and yourself while you stress out about what is going on with your MM. Does he really deserve that much space in your head?

 

What happens when this all ends up at your doorstep? Your husband (remember him?), might also figure out what has happened. The BW figured it out so it is not too much of a stretch to assume that your H will figure out/find out too.

 

My advice is to get your mind off what is going on with your MM and his wife and worry about your own life. You have your own messes to clean up now, whether your H finds out about your affair or not.

 

Best of luck to you.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

"It would be a relief to unload the secret but I'm not convinced that its the right thing to do." Morally, of course it is the right thing to do. It is also the most effective way of getting whatever chance you have for a good marriage, back on track. You are reluctant. But all the reasons to do it, still apply.

 

Right now I feel like it should be my burden to bear. Disclosure will be difficult. If you want a burden, bear that. It gets lighter, that way.

 

The counselor couldn't get me in for another week... So, you may maybe consider slowly about what would be the right time to disclose. The opportunity is now. The right time is now. Right now. This moment. Now.

 

Best wishes and fortitude to you.

[BrokenPrincess]

Maybe I should just get off the internet & try to focus on something else, if thats even possible. I'm feeling sick & anxious all over again and really starting to hate myself.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I never thought we were soulmates or madly in love, which has been part of why its so hard to find stories online to relate to. It was more of a deep affection for each other? Very caring

 

This is the part about affairs that I can't wrap my head around. You say you weren't in love, you weren't soulmates. So my rhetorical question is this: Why would you risk destroying two marriages, betray two spouses, numerous innocent children will now be living in hell or broken homes, two careers are at risk, your reputation is at great risk? What is worth that carnage and destruction that is now coming down the pipe. It's going to hit soon, and it will hit hard (it already has for MM).

 

Trust me, his wife will contact your husband. If she has to endure this hell that you co-created, she will make sure that you experience your own hell. That rage will fuel her detective skills.

Edited October 19, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed

[underwater2010]

Be prepared for his BW to figure out how to get in contact with your BH. I know I blew the MOW's cover ASAP.

[2sure]

You had an affair. Your Husband's Wife had an affair. This is something that happened to him and to the marriage, an important part of his life.

How come you get to decide what parts of his life he can deal with and which he cannot?

 

And Im not saying that for nothing. When I caught my xH cheating - I didnt ask many questions at all. What for? I knew he would lie - obviously. But I got ALL the answers and then I particpated in the lives of the same OW that were secretly participating in mine.

 

Still - it wasnt the cheating exactly that led to my leaving my x. It was the fact that he was making choices that affected my Life without my knowledge. Heads up.

[beenburned]

2sure,

 

Absolutely!!!

[2sunny]

Maybe I should just get off the internet & try to focus on something else, if thats even possible. I'm feeling sick & anxious all over again and really starting to hate myself.

 

Try focusing all that energy on your H and marriage!

 

Think what a great M you COULD have IF you did that...

[Wanderer25]

where does your husband figure in all this mess?

 

It would be a relief to unload the secret but I'm not convinced that its the right thing to do.

 

 

Right thing for you ? Unless you realize how selfish you are,,no one can help you...Everything you are doing and did reeks of self-centeredness. Your feelings, your hurt, your emotions, self-pity for having lost a lover. Why do you even want to remain married ?

 

 

Why should your Husband remain married to a cheater ? The only reason I can think is "beacsue he wanted to"... Not because "he did not know " or "He was lied to about his wife cheating"

Edited October 19, 2012 by Wanderer25

[BrokenPrincess]

I love my husband and I want to get help to get myself back on a positive path. You're right I haven't mentioned him much because I think the initial shock of the A ended just slammed me with the sudden loss of companionship of my OM. Today already my focus is shifting and I don't feel as blinded by grief as I did 2 days ago. I want to get the spark back in my marriage. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and process all these emotions

[2sunny]

I love my husband and I want to get help to get myself back on a positive path. You're right I haven't mentioned him much because I think the initial shock of the A ended just slammed me with the sudden loss of companionship of my OM. Today already my focus is shifting and I don't feel as blinded by grief as I did 2 days ago. I want to get the spark back in my marriage. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and process all these emotions

 

The best way to make amends to your H is by showing ACTION! ACT with HIM like you did with your OMM! Flirt, invest in communicating your wants and needs WITHIN the marriage.

[Furious]

I love my husband and I want to get help to get myself back on a positive path. You're right I haven't mentioned him much because I think the initial shock of the A ended just slammed me with the sudden loss of companionship of my OM. Today already my focus is shifting and I don't feel as blinded by grief as I did 2 days ago. I want to get the spark back in my marriage. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and process all these emotions

 

 

You're just beginning to recognize how much you've been focused on your affair and are just waking up to the realty of jeopardizing your marriage and family. You sound like a good person whose made some bad choices.

 

There's a book I would highly recommend to you, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, I really think this book will help you.

[veryhappy]

You should have posted on the Other Woman forum. Most replies here will slap you repeatedly for the sin you have committed.

 

I don't really understand why you had an affair if it wasn't a great love, but to each its own. You are in no way in a place now to focus on your M or your H. Unless you are forced to confess because of your MM, do not change anything about your marriage right now. Your marriage will follow its course. All you need to do is get over the period of grief, and it will take you more than a couple of days.

 

The idea that you can put the energy from the A into the M, or you stole something from the H is stuff people pull out from the BS manual. Relationships are different between different people, and it's downright creepy to try to copy one R into a different one, like asking a gorgeous brunette to dye her hair blonde because an ex was blonde. Your M was obviously not giving you something, and you'll have time to see what you can improve there. If you jump into fixing the M before processing the loss of the A, I doubt it's the best way to go.

[Miss Olivia]

I love my husband and I want to get help to get myself back on a positive path. You're right I haven't mentioned him much because I think the initial shock of the A ended just slammed me with the sudden loss of companionship of my OM. Today already my focus is shifting and I don't feel as blinded by grief as I did 2 days ago. I want to get the spark back in my marriage. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and process all these emotions

 

If you love your husband, you will confess the affair. You owe that to him and to your marriage. Most affairs happen when something is way off track in a marriage. You can't focus on the positive and work on a marriage when there a lie separating you and your H. You may not believe me, but you will find out eventually if you don't confess. Once you confess, if your H is willing to stay married, things will be very shaky and unstable for a long time. You will continue to miss xOM as you try to reconnect with your H. You have to let your heart break for a greater cause. If your H doesn't want to stay married, consider it a hard lesson learned. What doesn't kill us really does make us stronger if we are willing to keep doing what is right and fair. Unfortunately when you have an affair and emotions are high, you pay the price for a long, long time. Your H will pay the price and your OM's wife will pay the price whether you confess or not. The damage is already done, but you can always rebuild a life you are proud of and eventually will enjoy.