It's amazing to think it can never happen to you and then it does...

[wanderingguy]

I've got a wife and 1 year old child.

 

We've been mostly happy in our marriage. We've done a lot of things together before we had our child. We traveled the world and did a lot of pretty fun stuff. I see the difference it made to have that extended period of childlessness compared to friends who had children earlier...

 

My wife and I are in our mid 30's now. We're both sort of struggling professionally, but doing okay.

 

The problem is, I am finding myself less tolerant than I have been in the past. My wife had a firecracker temper and she is often anxious about work. Since our daughter was born especially, she has been really stressed with work stuff. What this translates into is, from my perspective, everyone else get's her positive energy and I get all the "bad." I've got lots of stories on this, but she just gets madder because I tend to not meet her emotional state and tend to "keep calm." From my perspective, she complains more than anything and it is exhausting. Nothing is right. Everything needs something fixed.

 

I am finding this to be an enormous drain on my emotional energy though. It also is translating these days into our relationship taking low priority to other things in life. I am aware of this and try to make time, but she cannot (and there always is SOMETHING that prevents us from doing it). In the sex department, I feel like I can't ever ask for it because she is too busy. I do at least try to ask once a week, but...it ain't happening at half that rate. It really bothers me. For her, sex has to come after all her to-dos are done. For me, I want to have sex because there is always about 2 trillion things to do. I mean, pleasing yourself only goes so far, you know? ;-)

 

I've not really felt this lonely in a long time.

 

I understand that women like to feel emotionally connected, but when I try to connect, it just gets met with complaints or a laundry list of things that need to get done still. I cook for her. I do all the food prep. I try to make things as nice as possible. She doesn't like going out. I try to suggest concerts, etc., but there is always something conflicting.

 

I feel like I can't even have a conversation with her about anything other than logistics and work. When I have voiced my feelings on these issues- and I have fairly often- it always gets emotional and it always ends with her swearing and blaming herself for everything. It's not really how I envision these conversations going, nor do I think it's the reality. I've suggested we look for counseling, a talk with our priest, etc., but she doesn't want to, saying "I already know what they'll say."

 

It's usually easier for me to try to avoid her as much as possible. It pains me to say that. In this situation, it feels like an adaptive response because at least it doesn't make it worse in the short term.

 

I am feeling really trapped and don't know how to move this forward. I'm really losing my patience.

[strongnrelaxed]

I am sorry you are so early on in the marriage and experiencing this. I too had similar struggles, but my wife was a bit easier on me from what you describe.

 

First let me say that you are likely going to receive a lot of negative responses from women here. They will likely blame you for lacking in some way that ultimately makes you wrong. You will also likely be challenged for being less of a man for expressing yourself honestly. Finally, you will likely be accused of being a potential cheater.

 

Please try to ignore them. They get their bizarre kicks this way.

 

There is a website that might help - look up no more mr nice guy dot c o m. There are literally hundreds of thousands of men who are in your very same predicament.

 

Until you find your inner strength, you will remain miserable. She wants you to be strong. She just does not know how to ask for it. She will actually resist you and hate you for it for a while. She may never accept it from you.

 

These sorts of things tend to end badly if you read around here and that other site.

 

Good luck lad. I wish you had read some of my posts before you got married.

[Eve]

I've got a wife and 1 year old child.

 

We've been mostly happy in our marriage. We've done a lot of things together before we had our child. We traveled the world and did a lot of pretty fun stuff. I see the difference it made to have that extended period of childlessness compared to friends who had children earlier...

 

My wife and I are in our mid 30's now. We're both sort of struggling professionally, but doing okay.

 

The problem is, I am finding myself less tolerant than I have been in the past. My wife had a firecracker temper and she is often anxious about work. Since our daughter was born especially, she has been really stressed with work stuff. What this translates into is, from my perspective, everyone else get's her positive energy and I get all the "bad." I've got lots of stories on this, but she just gets madder because I tend to not meet her emotional state and tend to "keep calm." From my perspective, she complains more than anything and it is exhausting. Nothing is right. Everything needs something fixed.

 

I am finding this to be an enormous drain on my emotional energy though. It also is translating these days into our relationship taking low priority to other things in life. I am aware of this and try to make time, but she cannot (and there always is SOMETHING that prevents us from doing it). In the sex department, I feel like I can't ever ask for it because she is too busy. I do at least try to ask once a week, but...it ain't happening at half that rate. It really bothers me. For her, sex has to come after all her to-dos are done. For me, I want to have sex because there is always about 2 trillion things to do. I mean, pleasing yourself only goes so far, you know? ;-)

 

I've not really felt this lonely in a long time.

 

I understand that women like to feel emotionally connected, but when I try to connect, it just gets met with complaints or a laundry list of things that need to get done still. I cook for her. I do all the food prep. I try to make things as nice as possible. She doesn't like going out. I try to suggest concerts, etc., but there is always something conflicting.

 

I feel like I can't even have a conversation with her about anything other than logistics and work. When I have voiced my feelings on these issues- and I have fairly often- it always gets emotional and it always ends with her swearing and blaming herself for everything. It's not really how I envision these conversations going, nor do I think it's the reality. I've suggested we look for counseling, a talk with our priest, etc., but she doesn't want to, saying "I already know what they'll say."

 

It's usually easier for me to try to avoid her as much as possible. It pains me to say that. In this situation, it feels like an adaptive response because at least it doesn't make it worse in the short term.

 

I am feeling really trapped and don't know how to move this forward. I'm really losing my patience.

 

It sounds like you are doing all you can. I think you both are stuck because you are experiencing this at the same time. I mean, usually one is weak and the other one is stronger for a time but when we are both weaker it is difficult to know what to do. Feelings of being stuck can escalate because the 'end move' during a marriage can often seem to centre on divorce. I think there is a move before this stage which is to fully revert back to your own decision making skills. Do not think that you have to consider the 'marriage' just think about where you need to find help to replenish yourself because right now your marriage is not supportive of this process.

 

In this regard I think you have to go to counselling/spiritual guidance on your own and encourage your wife to do the same but not let her decision lead you. Tell her that you are sick of this **** and need to feel wanted, loved and needed.

 

Don't do all the cooking and everything .. but totally be there for your child. You have to kick off a bit and hopefully that will get the wife thinking.

 

That's what I would do anyway. I think the routine of life has got to your marriage and is poisening it.

 

Another thing. Do something different each month. Like something you have never done before, just for one night. You may have to go with friends or on your own at first if your wife does not want to play ball but do it anyway. Never let anything kill your drive to have a good life. Never.

 

Hopefully you will both learn something about each other during this process and learn how to support each other better. If not.. you may have to let her go if she is refusing to do anything to save your marriage.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[todreaminblue]

Eve gave some excellent advice to you I am also sorry it happened early in your marriage and I dont think you are to blame.....having a young child and to be a working mum can be hard to handle and a lot of guilt is involved for leaving her babe.....doesnt sound like your wife is coping in my opinion......her blaming herself shows guilt and she is holding herself responsible which doesnt make it any easier on you.....seeking spiritual guidance and or counselling sounds your best bet......which eve wrote.....if she tells you that she knows what they are going to say .....say that you dont know what they are going to say, and also you feel it is needed to make things better between you because now you are struggling with knowing what to do adn you need to do this........date nights away from everything you and her together....these do work.....hire a babysitter and take time to talk about things other than stressors in your lives.....make time to make love......thats a necessity to maintain physical closeness in a relationship....its nurturing to a relationship.....i wish you well and hope that your wife and you have many loving and happy years together......good luck.....deb

[Eve]

Eve gave some excellent advice to you I am also sorry it happened early in your marriage and I dont think you are to blame.....having a young child and to be a working mum can be hard to handle and a lot of guilt is involved for leaving her babe.....doesnt sound like your wife is coping in my opinion......her blaming herself shows guilt and she is holding herself responsible which doesnt make it any easier on you.....seeking spiritual guidance and or counselling sounds your best bet......which eve wrote.....if she tells you that she knows what they are going to say .....say that you dont know what they are going to say, and also you feel it is needed to make things better between you because now you are struggling with knowing what to do adn you need to do this........date nights away from everything you and her together....these do work.....hire a babysitter and take time to talk about things other than stressors in your lives.....make time to make love......thats a necessity to maintain physical closeness in a relationship....its nurturing to a relationship.....i wish you well and hope that your wife and you have many loving and happy years together......good luck.....deb

 

 

todreaminblue - Thanks for hightlighting the issue that maybe the wife is struggling as a Mummy. This is so true - but she does need to verbalise what she is feeling and not just expect her Husband to be a robot. That is a VERY unhealthy thing for a child to see as they grow.

 

The first year of marriage can be very difficult. I seriously considered leaving my Husband twice during our first year.. even got somewhere else to live so I really do feel for the OP. With us, the routines were not balanced and my Husband kept playing the 'cute card' because he knows that I truly love him. Basically he wanted me to do all the housework and I got sick of it. In the end I let everything go to **** in the house and he realised he had to pull his socks up and help out.

 

By the sounds of things, the sexual side is something that is eating away at the marriage and this needs to be urgently addressed. I think there are things which need to be said that will eventually release them both from this current phase and the only way this will come about is if they get to have time together as a couple again. We all need the hot hot loving, lol.

 

I hope they can move past this stage and find their bond again. There will be even greater challenges along the road.. just wait until you hit the 7 year itch, OP. But it all seems to work for a greater and deeper love for those who get past these challenges. If not, I reckon we just keep cycling in the same problems, just with different people.

 

Please keep posting OP. There are many really great people here. Some are a bit psycho though so be ready for range of responses.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP, unlike JustAPoster I will not leap to assume you are not pulling your weight and that is the real problem. That's sucky gender stereotyping.

 

I think you're trying to be fair, but that said, take another look at all the domestic and work commitments. Grocery shopping. DIY. Cleaning. Cooking, Childcare (broken down into feeding, minding, bathing, changing, bedtime, mornings, drop and pickup to daycare, trips to doctor...). Work commitments are not sacrosanct and go into the pile to be negotiated. Seek a fair division, if it is not there already. If you can't tell what's fair, try the "I cut, you choose" technique to the degree that your schedules permit it, or agree to swap the chores regularly. Don't let it get too picky, just seek a generally equal deal.

 

I strongly suggest you also get a cleaner or home help, even once or twice a week. You are both working, so can afford this most likely. I know it helps from experience, and now is the time for this. Seriously. If the stuff that it would help with is stuff that currently falls into your wife's pile : well that might be a hint that the division of labour is currently unequal, and would be even more of a reason to do it.

 

That said, it does not sound like domestic logistics are the sole problem. I also know from experience that it is possible to work and knock yourself out with childcare and chores and still have an angry faultfinding spouse. This may mean other problems: a tendency towards depression, unresolved past emotional issues perhaps: where does that firecracker temper come from? I think from what you have said, there is something here too.

 

You don't want this pattern to settle in for years and really drive you apart, which it particularly may when the kids become old enough to be aware of mommy's temper. You have to do something about it.

 

Concerts and entertainment dates are fine: but sounds like what you need more of are "Her needs of you: Your needs of her" sessions to work things out, and the first thing on the list is for both of you to give the process a go without getting silent or storming out. For that you also need babysitting : last thing in the evening after you are both exhausted is believe me, not the time. But do be clear that you are not an emotional punchbag for her temper.

 

So: Home Help. Babysitting. Communication time. Negotiation. I know it sounds like the long way round, but you'll get the sex down that route. Go do.

Edited October 19, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[CarboniteCammy]

I am a new mom (with a three and a half month old) and my husband and I both work. It's pretty overwhelming.

 

My husband and I had to have a talk about why I need more help from him inside the house and I have to say, he really stepped up and our relationship is so much better. We don't fight as much. More of the house work gets done. Both of us have more down time and also time to spend being new parents.

 

He's also taken a bigger interest in the baby, where as before he was kind of like, "Ok, what do I DO with this tiny thing?" Now, he holds him and reads to him and I feel like it's really helped him realize that we both need to pull together in this, and that one person just can't do everything.

 

We both really enjoy our baby, and we love spending time with him.

 

We do date night once per week, and IMHO it's really worth it. Sometimes, you just need a break from the baby and getting out and holding hands and having dinner or going to a festival or whatever floats your boat can help keep your bond strong.

 

We've also made a commitment to have sex at least twice per week. It can be challenging to keep that commitment, but again, worth it both for your sanity and the marriage.

Edited October 19, 2012 by CarboniteCammy

[wanderingguy]

Not sure why. I think writing my OP was maybe just part of the process. Life has been so busy and I am trying to devote my time and attention to my daughter. Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I think it wasn't clear, but my wife and I have been together for 7 years now.

 

Time has changed things a bit. I love my daughter more than ever. She is so funny and wonderful. I could dance with her for days.

 

With my wife, it is still a struggle. I think we still do the division of labor, though if I could clean more, that's probably help.

 

I am very exhausted and am getting to the point where I look outside my marriage to get connection with people, friendships, hobbies, etc. Really, anything to get me engaged. I feel like home life is just talking - endlessly talking- about stress with no outcome/release (to the point it adds more stress for me), logistics (unavoidable), or work. My marriage has become a net energy drain. It does not replenish me at all. I feel like I am just getting in the way of my wife's big long to-do list. Not sure I am even on the list.

 

Our families have larger, "geologic" shifts with multiple grandparents nearing the end of life, etc. We need to have some reserves left in the tank to deal with these things soon. Right now, I gotta say it is pretty low.

 

I've always considered myself to be a pretty laid back and patient person, but my patience is wearing thin. I feel terrible about that. I feel my life ticking and I need to act. I have so many things to do and this emotional energy drain is getting in the way.

[sunshinegirl]

Not sure why. I think writing my OP was maybe just part of the process. Life has been so busy and I am trying to devote my time and attention to my daughter. Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I think it wasn't clear, but my wife and I have been together for 7 years now.

 

Time has changed things a bit. I love my daughter more than ever. She is so funny and wonderful. I could dance with her for days.

 

With my wife, it is still a struggle. I think we still do the division of labor, though if I could clean more, that's probably help.

 

I am very exhausted and am getting to the point where I look outside my marriage to get connection with people, friendships, hobbies, etc. Really, anything to get me engaged. I feel like home life is just talking - endlessly talking- about stress with no outcome/release (to the point it adds more stress for me), logistics (unavoidable), or work. My marriage has become a net energy drain. It does not replenish me at all. I feel like I am just getting in the way of my wife's big long to-do list. Not sure I am even on the list.

 

Our families have larger, "geologic" shifts with multiple grandparents nearing the end of life, etc. We need to have some reserves left in the tank to deal with these things soon. Right now, I gotta say it is pretty low.

 

I've always considered myself to be a pretty laid back and patient person, but my patience is wearing thin. I feel terrible about that. I feel my life ticking and I need to act. I have so many things to do and this emotional energy drain is getting in the way.

 

I'm sorry you're having such a rough go. My husband and I have a 14-month old, and we both work, so I can relate a bit to your situation.

 

A couple of things strike me. First, on the bolded sentence, I hate to say it but in my experience (and that of most of my friends & family), once kids enter the picture, a huge amount of conversation is going to be about logistics. It just is. So in that sense there's nothing unique in your marriage about spending all this time figuring out who's taking the kid to day care, doctors, who's getting the groceries, etc. It seems to go with the territory of having kids. A good friend of mine warned me in advance that life starts to feel like it's one big to-do list. I'm glad I had advanced notice.

 

The other thing that stands out, though, is how much time you seem to spend talking about stress, but no solutions seem to enter the conversation, and/or get enacted. Why is that?

 

I'm trying to put myself in your wife's shoes, to imagine what she's thinking and feeling. Here's what I can share: a few weeks ago, my husband sat me down to tell me that he was starting to feel like a maid and that I wasn't pulling my weight. It was a hard conversation, but he handled it really well, in that he communicated the message very effectively, in ways that minimized my defensiveness and helped me hear what he was saying. He was right, by the way. I needed to shape up and be a better partner.

 

Having no idea about how you broach these concerns with your wife, I *can* say that there are ways to communicate that will almost guarantee a defensive reaction where she points fingers and blames others. "YOU do this..." "YOU do that..." "You never..." "You always..." etc.

 

Is it possible that your method of communicating is making it harder to get to the heart of the matter with her?

 

To be clear, it definitely sounds like she's playing quite a role in the current state of things. I can't get my head around why she wouldn't be interested in solutions that would reduce the stress in your household or in her life. What's going on there?

[knitwit]

I am sorry you are having such a rough time. I can relate in that the first year after our son was born was by far the most challenging time in my marriage to date. Things got easier as our little one got older, and was able to be more independent. He is nearly three now and my DH and I have good system going (we both work FT and have since my maternity ended.)

 

A good book for this is His Needs, Her Needs for Parents.

 

Also, not to state the obvious, but your wife sounds unhappy as well. Have you guys sat down to really discuss this? Does she know that you are at the end of your rope?

 

Hopefully you guys can sit down, agree that currently things are unhappy for both of you, and you both can agree to make effective changes. "His Needs, Her Needs", "The Five Love Languages" etc can help you figure out which actions will be effective. Often people are trying their best, but their attempts aren't actually the things that the spouse needs to really feel engaged and cared for. Those books (and others) can help both spouses fill up those love banks/tansk and get things going again.

 

Good luck!