kiss_andmakeup Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 people my age getting pregnant (not married) then eventually getting engaged or married and I just want to do that Why is this scenario desirable to you? I'm genuinely curious. What about it is appealing?
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 ImperfectionisBeauty, from kind of sort of keeping up with your posts here there are some apparent issues permeating from them like; - major insecurity/validation issues....which lead you into situations just for the attention alone, not even because of "love", chemistry or any kind of significant connection...like you are just dying to be noticed, by someone, anyone. - Idealistic and unrealistic expectations...you think that settling down with someone is as simple as going to go to the store and buying a gallon of milk, but you can't seem to figure out there is more to it, and relationships are much different than the visual scenario in your head, which will lead you to making poor selections in mates because you're more focused on the fairy tale than the real person. - Child bearing = love...when you talk about children It's like listening to a 14 year old neglected child fantasize about her first crush, It's so far fetched, immature and unrealistic...you completely forget that children are actual people, not pets...IF you want this instant gratification of unrelenting love then get a dog, not have a baby. A baby has needs and is demanding, yes I believe It's worth it but they are not a crutch in life to bring you happiness when you fail at finding romantic love. Not only that, you're not really prepared at all, you've got some huge issues so guess who you're issues are going to affect? your child, you pass down your issues to your children because you don't know any better. Bottom line is you're still very young/immature, idealistic, and completely inexperienced in the realm of relationships and in terms of life, I'm not sure where your head even is at times, not anywhere that makes any realistic sense. I hope that you just hold off on dating and start working on yourself, no man is going to fill that void, no child will make you happy and your life completely happy and feel put together. You're making the mistake many women make that are feeling empty and desperate for attention and your whole world is going to revolve around insecurity and your issues...everything you and do and experience won't be because you have this rational realistic perspective, It'll all be this make believe fantasy that you're trying to chase, and this will drag you down and influence your entire life...I seen women twice your age and more on the same merry-go-round of co-dependency, and they're just hoping from one man to another, constantly being heart-broken and feeling abandoned because they choose their men out of their insecurities, not because of any kind of real love or chemistry, for them it's about the illusion and beginning phase where they feel love and accepted, then they try and hold onto that first phase through the entire relationship hoping it will go backwards. I hope you can see what you're doing, stand back and objectively view yourself instead of be knee deep in it. Stop and think about what you're doing, face the real issues you have, or they'll be chasing you your entire life and you'll always live in some fantasy world and think It's because you're not good enough or you're unlovable, It's ridiculous to believe in that because you are the one that determines the value for yourself, not anywhere else, If you let men determine that they will always put the value low if you let them...unless they are compelled by issues themselves. 3
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 You sound obsessed. I am a little obsessive about being in a relationship I'm not going to lie. I just know that I want to have someone to text all the time and make me feel important, and spend time with. I am weird I guess because I feel like total crap when I am not dating someone like I just have no purpose. I have no one to text I have no one to hang out with and it is just a really crap feeling. I'm really afraid of feeling like that so I avoid it at all costs and I keep my online dating profile up so I always have someone.
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Please listen to Ninja's post. It's dead on.
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I am a little obsessive about being in a relationship I'm not going to lie. I just know that I want to have someone to text all the time and make me feel important, and spend time with. I am weird I guess because I feel like total crap when I am not dating someone like I just have no purpose. I have no one to text I have no one to hang out with and it is just a really crap feeling. I'm really afraid of feeling like that so I avoid it at all costs and I keep my online dating profile up so I always have someone. These are very serious issues. You should not be devoid of purpose when you're not dating someone. You also should not date someone to make you feel important. I hope, PRAY that you realize these issues need a lot of attention, and resolve them before you even seriously THINK about having kids.
SmileFace Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I am a little obsessive about being in a relationship I'm not going to lie. I just know that I want to have someone to text all the time and make me feel important, and spend time with. I am weird I guess because I feel like total crap when I am not dating someone like I just have no purpose. I have no one to text I have no one to hang out with and it is just a really crap feeling. I'm really afraid of feeling like that so I avoid it at all costs and I keep my online dating profile up so I always have someone. You're only going to hurt yourself in the long run. This is not healthy. You have some major growing up to do. ( insert ninja's post here)
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 Why is this scenario desirable to you? I'm genuinely curious. What about it is appealing? I can only go by girls I have gone to school with one in particular, her situation is how ideally my life will play out. She met this guy and they dated a long time and then broke up then she started dating a new guy shortly after and within 2 months of them being together she got pregnant, she is like 4 months pregnant now and they are engaged so I feel like her getting pregnant just sped up their engagement and marriage. My ex had a son by his ex, they were together 4 years (only a year maybe when she got pregnant) he was going to marry this girl and he probably would have had she not cheated on him. So I feel like when you get pregnant it makes decent guys want to marry you faster. I know it seems totally irrational because for every good guy who will marry his child's mother there are like 20 who won't but I always figure MAYBE hopefully I would get lucky if it happened to me and get a good guy who wants to marry me too. I know it's stupid. I know.. I'm in therapy.
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 You're only going to hurt yourself in the long run. This is not healthy. You have some major growing up to do. ( insert ninja's post here) I'm really going to work on it this time. I am deleting my dating website. I'm sure i'll post a million times more about the anxiety from not having any dates but I can deal I think. Haha it's sad I'm getting anxiety about deleting it. I am in therapy and hopefully it helps.
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I can only go by girls I have gone to school with one in particular, her situation is how ideally my life will play out. She met this guy and they dated a long time and then broke up then she started dating a new guy shortly after and within 2 months of them being together she got pregnant, she is like 4 months pregnant now and they are engaged so I feel like her getting pregnant just sped up their engagement and marriage. My ex had a son by his ex, they were together 4 years (only a year maybe when she got pregnant) he was going to marry this girl and he probably would have had she not cheated on him. So I feel like when you get pregnant it makes decent guys want to marry you faster. I know it seems totally irrational because for every good guy who will marry his child's mother there are like 20 who won't but I always figure MAYBE hopefully I would get lucky if it happened to me and get a good guy who wants to marry me too. I know it's stupid. I know.. I'm in therapy. Yes. Continue the therapy. Using getting pregnant as a means to get a "good guy" to marry you is wrong on so many levels. And the girl you mentioned envying, you didn't mention how happy or in love she is. She got pregnant after knowing a guy for only two months! That sounds absolutely miserable to me. Maybe you need to start looking up to some new role models. 2
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 Yes. Continue the therapy. Using getting pregnant as a means to get a "good guy" to marry you is wrong on so many levels. And the girl you mentioned envying, you didn't mention how happy or in love she is. She got pregnant after knowing a guy for only two months! That sounds absolutely miserable to me. Maybe you need to start looking up to some new role models. Her FB posts seem really happy. She will always have someone to be around and care about her whether it is her husband to be or her baby. I want that. I don't think she intentionally got pregnant either it just happened. I never has just happened for me and my ex and I NEVER used protection I wanted it so much. I would probably still be with him if it happened. I do know that I would not want my kid to have to deal with me the way I am now though (even though I would put everything into being the absolute best possible mom ever if I got pregnant). I wish that my kids one day have a childhood like mine, I had/have both parents, they were married before they had us, they have the finances to support us and they were/are really good parents. The only problem is they are OLD OLD OLD! My mom had me at 34 and my brother at 38 and my dad was like the same age as my mom when we were born, it's embarrassing having people ask how old your mom is and you're like "oh shes 50" when all my friends moms were like 43 or something.
suladas Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Her FB posts seem really happy. She will always have someone to be around and care about her whether it is her husband to be or her baby. I want that. I don't think she intentionally got pregnant either it just happened. I never has just happened for me and my ex and I NEVER used protection I wanted it so much. I would probably still be with him if it happened. I do know that I would not want my kid to have to deal with me the way I am now though (even though I would put everything into being the absolute best possible mom ever if I got pregnant). I wish that my kids one day have a childhood like mine, I had/have both parents, they were married before they had us, they have the finances to support us and they were/are really good parents. The only problem is they are OLD OLD OLD! My mom had me at 34 and my brother at 38 and my dad was like the same age as my mom when we were born, it's embarrassing having people ask how old your mom is and you're like "oh shes 50" when all my friends moms were like 43 or something. My dad is 64, had me at 41, who cares? You're only 21, you are way to young IMO to be having kids, a lot of people regret it so soon. Wanting a relationship and marriage is fine, but kids should be years down the road. Yes i'd want to have kids around 30, to me that is around a good age but I won't rush it. If it doesn't happen till 35 or later, whatever. Don't get married just to be married, it's just a recipe for diaster, you have to wait for the right person. 1
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Her FB posts seem really happy. Everyone seems happy on Facebook. It's like a big ol' "my life is so great!" competition. It's so fake sometimes it's not even funny. I'm not saying she might not actually be happy, but Facebook is no indicator, and besides, it doesn't seem to be her happiness you envy... She will always have someone to be around and care about her whether it is her husband to be or her baby. I want that. This is such a horrible reason to have a child. One should want a child because they want to create a life; someone they can raise, nurture, and shape into a positive and happy human being. Having a baby because you want someone to care about you is totally, 100% ass-backward. I had/have both parents, they were married before they had us, they have the finances to support us and they were/are really good parents. The only problem is they are OLD OLD OLD! My mom had me at 34 and my brother at 38 and my dad was like the same age as my mom when we were born, it's embarrassing having people ask how old your mom is and you're like "oh shes 50" when all my friends moms were like 43 or something. So...despite the fact that your parents were good parents, were both around, raised you supportively, and provided for you financially, you'd rather not wait until you're at a more mature age simply because you felt embarrassed that your parents were 5-ish years older than their peers? That is what tips the scales toward "have a baby now by someone I'm not married to before we're financially and emotionally established"?? Do you see how out of whack this is? I'm not being rhetorical, I genuinely want to know. 1
suladas Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I can only go by girls I have gone to school with one in particular, her situation is how ideally my life will play out. She met this guy and they dated a long time and then broke up then she started dating a new guy shortly after and within 2 months of them being together she got pregnant, she is like 4 months pregnant now and they are engaged so I feel like her getting pregnant just sped up their engagement and marriage. My ex had a son by his ex, they were together 4 years (only a year maybe when she got pregnant) he was going to marry this girl and he probably would have had she not cheated on him. So I feel like when you get pregnant it makes decent guys want to marry you faster. I know it seems totally irrational because for every good guy who will marry his child's mother there are like 20 who won't but I always figure MAYBE hopefully I would get lucky if it happened to me and get a good guy who wants to marry me too. I know it's stupid. I know.. I'm in therapy. And please don't try to get pregnant just to get a guy to marry you, that is really bad.
mesmerized Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Her FB posts seem really happy. She will always have someone to be around and care about her whether it is her husband to be or her baby. I want that. I don't think she intentionally got pregnant either it just happened. I never has just happened for me and my ex and I NEVER used protection I wanted it so much. I would probably still be with him if it happened. I do know that I would not want my kid to have to deal with me the way I am now though (even though I would put everything into being the absolute best possible mom ever if I got pregnant). I wish that my kids one day have a childhood like mine, I had/have both parents, they were married before they had us, they have the finances to support us and they were/are really good parents. The only problem is they are OLD OLD OLD! My mom had me at 34 and my brother at 38 and my dad was like the same age as my mom when we were born, it's embarrassing having people ask how old your mom is and you're like "oh shes 50" when all my friends moms were like 43 or something. Did i read this right? You are embarrassed that your parents are older? Wow, you have a loooot of maturity to gain before you even think about having a kid. Maybe that is what turns men ff. Nobody likes immature and desperate people, both horrible qualities for a life mate. Sorry that its harsh but its true.
SmileFace Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 It really scares me how niave you are. Then it sickens me since I have family members just like you - well not friends, since I get to choose those. You really should reread what you write and think about it. You are so close getting your degree - you should be smarter than this. This confuses me truthfully. Everything that glitters isn't gold. But even if youre friend is happy you need to live your own life on your own path.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 (edited) I can only go by girls I have gone to school with one in particular, her situation is how ideally my life will play out. She met this guy and they dated a long time and then broke up then she started dating a new guy shortly after and within 2 months of them being together she got pregnant, she is like 4 months pregnant now and they are engaged so I feel like her getting pregnant just sped up their engagement and marriage. My ex had a son by his ex, they were together 4 years (only a year maybe when she got pregnant) he was going to marry this girl and he probably would have had she not cheated on him. So I feel like when you get pregnant it makes decent guys want to marry you faster. I know it seems totally irrational because for every good guy who will marry his child's mother there are like 20 who won't but I always figure MAYBE hopefully I would get lucky if it happened to me and get a good guy who wants to marry me too. I know it's stupid. I know.. I'm in therapy. Babies don't make an average man into a decent one, many times men marry the woman out of obligation, and responsibility because they feel It's the right thing to do. People don't always marry out of love, in fact It's typically for a lot of reasons...financial, convenience, companionship, pregnancy, culture, family expectations...by the time you get to romance or love that's on the back-burner, people find a lot of other reasons to settle down and men are more rational...so you getting pregnant, now that triggers a man into "doing the right thing"...you don't have to take my word for it, but I've talked to a lot of married men about this because it was important to me, and many married out of obligation and guess what? they are both unhappy and both only staying married as a couple because of the "kids" now. So that's the other thing, you're looking at this through a very small sphere, this is how most women in your mindset view things. You look at the exterior of what you know about someone else's relationship and then you develop that idea and fantasy for yourself...but you don't know what is really going on...those guys are young, and many will likely cheat and not be ready to settle down because they weren't really ready...sure some will not but as you get older and you see more of the story panned out over time then you see the good relationships from the bad and I hate to tell you but most of them have quite a lot of drama, infidelity and unhappiness with both partners. It takes wisdom and experience to choose the right partner, It's not just a luck of the draw...you need to know what works for you, how to communicate and a laundry list of other things, what young people do is think It's just about "love" which is a necessity but that's not going to help you build a strong relationship, you can still love a person and the relationship end up a disaster, you can still end up with someone and be painfully incompatible and those issues will tear your relationship down over time and that light of "love" will slowly fade away because of the other issues in the relationship. So don't look at other peoples relationship as an example, you'll never know the whole story and how happy these people actually are and If they'll even be together in ten years...I can assure you most of these relationships will struggle and fall apart, and then they'll end up as single parents...so be smarter than that, this is not reality in your head, It's a fantasy, so what that means is what you are expect is too unrealistic, when the reality hits you will be more hurt, and live in denial, expecting some kind of miracle to happen and save you. You'll refuse to see what the reality is because you're afraid and then you'll just drag yourself through misery and disappointing relationships because you're waiting for something to save you and it. What you're really trying to do is save yourself, because you feel like you're drowning alone, but you'll find out that everything you do for fulfillment won't work...because the issue will still be inside of you. It's like in those movies where people move from house to house running from a ghost but it just follows them wherever you go...your issues are like a ghost, no matter what you do, where you go It'll always follow you, because the ghost is inside of you in this case, It's you who carry that burden around with you...and until you face that and deal with the real causes of your insecurity and emotions you'll never do enough to distract yourself or cover that up...It'll always come to the surface, you're trying to put bandaids on gushing wounds and you actually think it will work...that's how it looks on the outside. You're going to have the kind of relationship that you set yourself up for, relationships don't help you and fix problems, they become distractions from your real issues because now you get to focus on another person...it's all about distractions, everything and anything you can do to will make you just feel worse and be detrimental...you're getting a temporary fix, whatever you experience will not last...you don't unfortunately know what that takes and your issues are controlling your mind and actions, you're basically a puppet and victim to yourself. You'll date one of two guys...those who use and abuse you, and those who are white knights trying to save you...but neither fill that void, they will only exacerbate your personal issues. So you need to realize you are hurting yourself, every time you get into another relationship with a guy that your issues pick for you...It's like taking a step backwards because now you have to deal with that and YOU, who is what is important and leading you down this road gets put on the back-burner, then you start the whole cycle again with another guy because you don't want to face your biggest fears...you don't want to learn how to be happy and be alone, but you've got to try and help yourself, you have to give yourself that kind of love, and attention before you can expect it from someone else. And It's not an easy task, It pushes you to the limit to do this....the greatest rewards require courage and a strong-will, it will tear you down and It takes a lot of heart and fortitude to stick through change...and that's why many people don't achieve it and struggle with their issues for life. It's a lot of hard work, It's something you really have to want and be committed to, you have to want to a better person and the best you, that has to be the most important thing to you...you will fail over and over again, but you can always get back up and keep pushing...you will always be moving forward If you put in the effort, and you have to be able to give yourself notice and recognition for the little things. Edited October 19, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 1
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 @Ninja So do you think I can just stop dating and just focus on my school, will that help? Just totally avoiding dating and guys? I really want to be better because I really can't keep going through these emotional ups and downs it is so exhausting and it feels like ever single time it just takes a piece of me. That sounds dumb I'm sure but just being rejected and hurt it like takes something out of me, or hooking up with someone who could care less it just takes a piece of me. @SF I have book smarts, just no common sense I guess... @Kiss I know it is messed up and weird and really a bad way to view things but I can't help it. It's hard to explain it's like one part of me knows that what I'm doing is wrong and I wouldn't be the best mom ever right now and usually that side wins which is why most of the time I have protected sex, with my ex even the one time we didn't use protection and I didn't take my BC (he knew) I kind of freaked out the next day and we bought Plan B, because I knew if I got pregnant I would be screwed he already has a son that he pays a lot for, I don't work, I am in school, I have no house, my parents house doesn't have an additional room for a nursery... I have no money. So it is like most of the time I can look at things realistic when I am in the situation but I can't if I'm not in the situation. If that makes sense. Like I said I am in therapy so I am trying to work through all this...
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 IIB, I'm glad to see you're becoming much more receptive to advice and far less defensive. This alone is a positive step in the right direction. Keep it up, continue your therapy, and keep your head up. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 @Ninja So do you think I can just stop dating and just focus on my school, will that help? Just totally avoiding dating and guys? I really want to be better because I really can't keep going through these emotional ups and downs it is so exhausting and it feels like ever single time it just takes a piece of me. That sounds dumb I'm sure but just being rejected and hurt it like takes something out of me, or hooking up with someone who could care less it just takes a piece of me. Realistically, you probably won't and can't stop dating right away...It's just like anything else, going cold turkey just makes it all the more tempting, most things require a slower withdraw type of process. I think for now you should start realizing what is actually happening and understanding your emotions and fantasies here and why you're engaging these men...right now you see it as this big romance and you're in a mode where you're trying to chase a dream and you always feel like It's a possibility with every guy or at least hope it will happen. You've got to be able to recognize why you are doing it and how it is not helpful, and It's up to you to decide IF you've made enough "bad" decisions to realize that...you have to be able to reflect and understand and see the benefits, it also takes a lot of emotions and dedication to change, so when the going gets tough you have to be able to stand firm in your beliefs, the more you understand and realize about yourself the easier it will be to do that, but some people can't sacrifice, they're too addicted to their fix...the way you are you definitely sound like an addict to me. So you have to ask yourself if that temporary enjoyment of false intimacy is worth your own well-being and self-improvement. You need to really sit there and search through your thoughts and deep emotions, ask yourself why you do this, what you need, write it out and express yourself then read to yourself what you write...you have to develop a self-awareness and realization...It's got to "click" in your head that you're not really searching for a man, you're searching for love and acceptance within yourself, you're just expecting a man to do that for you instead, you want a man to do the hard work instead of yourself in theory anyway, most of how you think isn't obvious to you or you're always putting a different reason for why you do it than what really is, you've got to be able to figure out this whole psychological and emotional mess to why you really are acting out and in what ways. You may need someone to help you point that out, I'm not sure If your therapist is achieving that or you're just not listening, I've never been to therapy but It works for some people and others do not and it works in different ways...I wish therapist were a little more pro-active than just active listeners and people making suggestions, but maybe it's their patients who don't listen...IT's hard to say, communication and a relationship is also key, you have to build able to build trust so you can be more open and honest, the more you convince yourself the reason you do things is for something else then the harder it is to face your issues. Most people believe they doing one thing for one reason but in reality doing it for something else entirely. Most of people's issues are from trauma and childhood experiences, so you should start there...you need to treat yourself like someone you don't know and searching as to why you are the way you are and how much it reflects on your decisions...you'll be surprised the answers you find when ask yourself really hard questions and try to deal with emotions you've always avoided...but you should know what your big issues are, you've just to dig 10 times deeper in them then you had in the past. But yes I believe as long as you continue on the path you are now, you won't be happy, even If you managed to pull off landing a husband and child, these are not issues that just go away they just manifest in different ways....that's how issues work, they disguise themselves and find ways into your life and that's why it's confusing because you're just skimming the surface in terms of understanding....you're more clueless about who you are than you realize.
CptObvious Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 If I recall correctly IisB is pretty goddamn hot, like a 9/10. Trust me, some rich idiot out there is going to "fall in love" with you and you'll get your ring, your houses, and your cars. Just don't worry about it babe
CptObvious Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Your body is your best bargaining chip for the next 8-10 years. A kid on the other hand is going to destroy you if you can't get what you want from it. Play it safe and bet on dumber, less attractive nice guys.
CptObvious Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Who is LisB? ImperfectionisBeauty Can we all just settle on 1 nickname for her? I propose "IB"
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 If I recall correctly IisB is pretty goddamn hot, like a 9/10. Trust me, some rich idiot out there is going to "fall in love" with you and you'll get your ring, your houses, and your cars. Just don't worry about it babe Lol that's really nice thanks a lot lol I would rather a guy who loved me and cared a lot he doesn't need to be rich but it would certainly be nice
Drseussgrrl Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I think most of this mentality is because of where you're located. In urban areas it's UNHEARD OF for girls to WANT to get pregnant and settle down before the age of 25. They travel, they seek advanced degrees, they party with their girlfriends, they establish themselves as contributing members of society - their sole purpose is not to breed. I'm 33 and I have SEVERAL girlfriends who are single and it doesn't bother us one bit. We plan trips, we have disposable income, we like to date, wine taste, you name it. I'm having the time of my life quite honestly and I do NOT envy those girls back home who are overweight and never left and have 4 kids now. You mentioned FB. You wouldn't believe how many of them comment on my pics or send messages saying "Omg I'm so jealous that looks like so much fun!" Have you thought about broadening your world view after you graduate? Moving somewhere like Boston, DC, New York? There's a whole big world out there for you to discover hun. And it's loads of fun. And you can do it without a man or a baby holding you back. You only get one shot at this thing called life and heck you can have a baby now when you're late 30's. It's becoming the norm. Just please don't think about this anymore while you're a broke student with no money living with mom and dad. This is SO UNFAIR to a baby you would bring in.
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