What do *you* bring to the table?

[Silly_Girl]

In a thread I had a while ago I was harping on about relationships and marriages being teamwork. I acknowledge that my job pays 2-3 times his, but I appreciate that he'll tackle the cooking, and do the teenager taxi thing, and pop to collect something when I am unable to get to a shop at all between Monday and Friday, and various other things. I kind of view it as 'household inputs' and 'household outputs' and if everyone's needs are being met, don't really care how the equation happens.

 

So it got me thinking about what I personally can offer to the partnership, and whether it's sufficient/appropriate etc. and I was interested in how others feel about, or view, their own input.

[january2011]

I take a deep interest in my partner. I care about what he does with his life and if I can, I'll help him - as long as he's amenable to that. For better or worse, I tend to be a "ride or die" chick in the majority of my romantic relationships.

[pink_sugar]

This is a great question. Sometimes I feel like he's not contributing enough and maybe I'm not either.

 

I'm usually the one who cooks...he used to for awhile, but after a few recipe disasters, I decided I preferred to cook. I'm usually organizing things, while he does the dishes, I'm usually going through things to give to goodwill so we can tidy up the place.

 

I encourage him to see his friends and family more often...so it doesn't seem like we're just seeing my family.

 

Although I'd prefer his input, I'm usually doing all of the planning...dinner, trips, decision making and so forth. I've also been the one to schedule appointments and activities as well as making healthy eating choices at the grocery store. I'm picking out most of the groceries.

 

I also make slightly more than he does and I share what I make.

 

He does most of the driving and taking care of necessary errands during business hours while I work a 9-4 job. We assist one another with schoolwork.

[Els]

I don't feel that 'what you bring to the table' should be solely limited to practical contributions such as bills and housework. Yes, those are important, but there is a lot more involved in maintaining a loving relationship than that.

 

Like january, once I have established that this is the man that I love, I will stick things through with him for as long as he himself is committed to making the relationship work. I am empathetic and strive to be as understanding as I can, if he is down or having a bad day I will try to do everything in my power to make him feel better, be it giving him a massage or making him coffee, or giving him a BJ . I am level-headed, rational, and reasonably drama-free, and always try to put the well-being of our relationship above my ego, or external expectations, or social pressures. I am the rare girl that shares his very male-dominated hobbies, who just did the prep to upgrade our Windows installations to the 64-bit version because he was too busy to do it himself, who can keep up with his intellectual banter. I do most of the housework, bookings and organization and errands/paperwork, as well as most of the 'safe' city driving (he drives to new places or in dangerous roads). I also just did a bunch of his laundry and folded it for him.

 

What he offers is more pragmatic. He insists on paying for most things, doing all the heavy stuff that my petite self cannot. He is stoic and strong, taking on adverse conditions such as running to get the car in the rain so I don't have to, giving the more comfortable seat to me, sleeping on the floor when we had only one single bed. He indulges my random impulses and cravings - for a particular eatery, or a movie, or a walk. Most of these he does without even thinking about it, and without letting me know that he is doing it sometimes. That's the best part of him - he does it because he wants to, not because he wants anything in return. Some of the things he does, I only realize in retrospect, or find out by happenstance. I'm sure there is much more that he does silently that I just don't know about.

 

Hope that helps.

Edited October 18, 2012 by Elswyth

[pteromom]

- I accept him for who he is

- I try very hard to meet his needs and add to the quality of his life

- I am very positive and optimistic

- I am very organized and keep the household running

- I do ALL the chores and childcare and shopping

- I am very level-headed and able to have discussions without getting angry or attacking

- I am fun!

- I am very supportive of anything he wants to do and do not attempt to control his choices in any way

- I am not needy and do not require reassurance and validation

- I am loyal and faithful and honest

 

I think I am an awesome wife. Too bad it goes unnoticed or unappreciated most of the time. But I am who I am, and at least *I* am happy about that.

[carhill]

I recall a memorable day while M which might illustrate:

 

Started off as a combined day of work and caregiving. However, exW gets a frantic call from her sister, whose husband had barely survived a botched knee surgery and was home from the hospital but fell and broke the toilet tank off the toilet. He was OK but the toilet was in ten pieces.

 

I adjust, stop by Home Depot and pick up a new toilet while on the way to my lawyer's office to prepare for our court session the following day on matters regarding my mom's care. The toilet sits in the front seat of the car while I'm meeting with the lawyer, then I proceed to BIL's house and install it and reassure he and his wife that if they need anything, to just call.

 

Then I head to the facility, visit mom for awhile, then home and proceed with the delayed shop jobs, finishing up about the time exW gets off work, about 7pm. She calls and I fill her in on things at BIL's house and then proceed to make dinner while she is commuting. Dinner is served when she gets home, we share our days and then the rest of the evening proceeds uneventfully.

 

What I bring to the table is the ability to do most anything and still take the time and have the interest and compassion to care about people and prioritize loved ones.

 

On that note a good friend is in surgery today and I will now call his wife. Life is brief.

[Els]

- I accept him for who he is

 

Wow! The interesting thing is, when my bf and I talked about what we each needed/wanted out of a R, this was the #1 thing that he mentioned. It hasn't always been easy, but I've always tried to do so

[sweetjasmine]

Hmm, interesting question.

 

On the emotional side of things, I bring a lot of emotional support, empathy, and caring. I'm the listening type, which is good because he's a talker. I bring a lot of physical affection and love to give him attention. He means the world to me, and I want him to feel that way. I also bring the ability to stop arguments from escalating by tempering my responses, but without staying silent. We've never insulted each other during an argument, but when we do argue, it sort of peters out pretty quickly, and we move on to the calm discussion stage. It's a lifesaver - we both hate arguing. We're both believers in "you should never go to bed angry" and have been able to make that work so far.

 

On the practical side of things, I'm the better financial planner. Our salaries have varied and will continue to vary pretty greatly for a few years yet as we both transition into new careers. We're just starting out with a joint account, and it's going to be up to me, for the most part, to manage it. I'm much more organized when it comes to things like paperwork. I'm also a crazier type of cleaner when it comes to literal dirt, dust, grime, etc. While we're both creative in an artistic sense, I'm a little more creative/resourceful in a practical sense.

 

He brings a lot to the table, too. He's extremely supportive of those he cares about and he's always there for me. He's very affectionate, though in a slightly different way than I am. He feels very deeply even though he doesn't wear it all on his sleeve. He's also very much a family man. He really has a talent for keeping both of us motivated about various important things. He's also very good at communicating and laying things out clearly when we're not on the same page about something. On the practical side of things, he's very level-headed and goal-oriented. He's also great at clearing clutter and tidying up, which works out great since I hate that part of cleaning the most. He has a great sense of humor which has helped us through some very stressful times recently. He's also pretty handy when it comes to repairs and maintenance. He's very good at working with his hands and enjoys coming up with projects.

 

We both also bring a strong sense of responsibility and a commitment to fairness/equality. This is how we've managed to settle on a way to split up chores, bills, groceries, etc. Chores used to be a touchy subject, and I was starting to get resentful about some things, but we're better now. We both love cooking, but sometimes, the last thing one of us wants to do is cook another freaking dinner. Sometimes one of us ends up doing the laundry over and over again. Sometimes one of us does the dishes two weeks in a row. In those cases, we just ask the other if they could take over for a while because that particular chore is getting old. It works out well, and we each try to be respectful of the other.

 

What's important, IMO, is that we both recognize our strengths and weaknesses and are willing to step up and put in extra effort if the other needs a hand. I think our 'inputs' are more or less equal, though that balance can change. As long as we each give what we can give and as long as neither of us is holding back, it doesn't matter all that much exactly what the balance is. I think both our inputs are definitely sufficient -- as long as we're working together to achieve whatever goals we might have, then it's sufficient. The only issue is that it's easy to feel unappreciated in one way or another and to get so used to your spouse taking care of XYZ that you barely notice, so we've both been trying to remember to make the other feel appreciated.

[Eve]

I bring the boobies.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[TiredFamilyGuy]

pteromom :- I accept him for who he is

 

Interesting and deep statement. It's a great place to start.

 

Let's suppose that unpacks into something like this: The ideal is to strive for understanding of the actual person, and not some conceptual mould that the other person is going to be poured into whether they want it or not. OK, still sounds good.

 

But there it stalls. Acceptance of who each other are gets you nowhere by itself, because who you are is two different people. There are many things to work out in a marriage that do not naturally evolve out of acceptance. Who earns the money/focuses on career? Where do you live? Who raises kids? , Who does the chores and DIY? All the rest. These require negotiation and compromise and sacrifice. I am more of a believer in the process, than acceptance of a starting position. A willingness to see each others viewpoint, each others strengths and weaknesses, these are just inputs to that process. Perhaps that's what acceptance should mean, here.

Edited October 19, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Got it]

I live by the serenity prayer

 

In all seriousness, I bring the ability to be empathetic and patient. I help out with household chores, I make a more so I cover a little more on bills but we split them, I try and help him personally and professionally, I try and help with his relationship with the kids by trying to create, time, monies, or communication. I try and make that at the end of the day his life was made easier, better and/or more fulfilling by having me in it.

 

And I definitely bring comedy relief.

[Eve]

As well as the boobies I bring the spontaneity.

 

Hubby is 'the planner' in the relationship and fixes things.

 

We are both good at cooking. Initially I was the stronger one on the cooking front.

 

We are both the same in terms of money. We can be good with money and can equally buy stupid items and just get things for the hell of it.

 

I am the one the children tell things to and the one they approach for money. Hubby is much better at deciphering their devious plans... he is 5 steps ahead all the time. He enjoys this a bit too much though so I had to make sure the children got appropriate punishments when they were little because Hubby would confiscate things for too long if he had his way. I guess that makes me the main listener.

 

Most importantly, Hubby brings the most perfectly shaped bottom to the table. He has great legs and the most perfect back too.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Hawaii50]

I'm sincere, funny, soulful, decent looking, no kids, statistically endowed, witty, financially secure+house, well traveled/read, oral fetish/dominant, No complexes and minimum baggage. Basically I just bring a good time, with lots of laughter and pleasure- a damn good catch

 

 

Edit: In a tropical locale

[amaysngrace]

I bring me.

 

I honestly can't say what I'd expect from a relationship or what I'd bring to a relationship. This is probably why I'm not in a relationship.

[pteromom]

Wow! The interesting thing is, when my bf and I talked about what we each needed/wanted out of a R, this was the #1 thing that he mentioned. It hasn't always been easy, but I've always tried to do so

 

It's my #1 need too. I don't want someone trying to change me or mold me into something else. I want them to want to be with me as I am.

[pteromom]

pteromom :- I accept him for who he is

 

Interesting and deep statement. It's a great place to start.

 

Let's suppose that unpacks into something like this: The ideal is to strive for understanding of the actual person, and not some conceptual mould that the other person is going to be poured into whether they want it or not. OK, still sounds good.

 

But there it stalls. Acceptance of who each other are gets you nowhere by itself, because who you are is two different people. There are many things to work out in a marriage that do not naturally evolve out of acceptance. Who earns the money/focuses on career? Where do you live? Who raises kids? , Who does the chores and DIY? All the rest. These require negotiation and compromise and sacrifice. I am more of a believer in the process, than acceptance of a starting position. A willingness to see each others viewpoint, each others strengths and weaknesses, these are just inputs to that process. Perhaps that's what acceptance should mean, here.

 

I get what you are saying - and I agree to a point. But I think acceptance is the starting point. You have to go in getting to know the other person, and accepting them for who they are.

 

Being accepted doesn't mean you never have to compromise or make sacrifices. But if your partner KNOWS you and accepts you, he/she realizes when you are making sacrifices and appreciates it.

 

...versus having a pre-set definition of "SHOULDs" that your partner will be expected to meet, no matter what his/her preferences and needs are.

[Radagast]

We're both second-timers, so we were both pretty clear on what we wanted and needed in a relationship. And we're older, so we can focus on our relationship without the daily distraction of kids or the financial struggles of getting established.

 

I bring: stability, security, and a level of financial comfort that comes with being at the height of my professional career. Likewise, that brings opportunities for travel to exciting places, professional networks and funding opportunities for interesting research, reputation and a strong track record in our discipline. Socially I bring a group of close, caring friends, a warm, loving family and good interpersonal relationships with those I have other dealings with. Around the house I put my hand to anything that requires doing, be it dish washing or home improvements, and happily make tea, cook meals and serve drinks when the sun is over the yard arm. I listen actively, discuss with interest, advise if required. I care and caress and love to treat. I relish her physical beauty and ensure that she is reminded many times a day how lovely she is. I plan, prepare, research: I'm the fine detail one. I take care of the small stuff. I hold her, stroke her hair, look into her eyes whenever we're together. I try to be the best lover I can, to provide her with the best sexual experiences she's had. I tune in to her needs, her desires, her moods. I provide materially and emotionally. I love her beyond distraction and I tell her all the time. I accept her gifts with the same grace with which she offers them. I love, and am loved in return.