alexa137 Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 boyfriend broke up with me last night! im shocked and devastated and so hurt, and now i feel depressed, dont want to do anything but clean and sleep and overthink things. bad enough ive been stuck home for 5 days with the stomach flu virus now i am finally better and now this shocking news came last night-dont text me, dont call me, dont email me leave me alone i dont want to be in a relationship with you! im done, too many negatives! yea this is coming from a guy that I spent almost every evening with and every weekend the past 4 months, I know it wasnt long but it was for me! i thought he was the one! he actually was my boyfriend! not my friends with benefits fling! we did everything together, alot of events, movies, dinners, sleepovers, shopping casino etc etc etc. now im thinking what the heck am i gonna do now? esp fridays and sats? i know its wrong, its sad and im being stupid probably but thats just how i feel! i was falling on love with him and really let my wall down completely the past 2 weeks-i know he cares, its just men they stupid! but i dont understand and dont have anyone to talk to so yes i vent on this site over and over again when will i learn to just stay single right?! i try but i dont like being lonely i just want to be loved, wanted, needed and cared for just like i would do the same ugh!
CopingGal Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 (edited) First of all, get a hold of yourself and calm now. Breathe slowly and deeply, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Again, again, again, again....keep going...slowly, slowly, slowly. I don't think the answer is not dating. I think it's dating intelligently...something I haven't tried out yet because I'm not dating at all. Second, Everyone wants to be loved and cared for. Okay? But I've learned that there are more important things like taking care yourself and making sure the person respects you. I've learned that simply caring for someone isn't enough. Them simply caring for you or saying they love you, isn't enough. Forget about finding someone and ending your loneliness. You've got work to do. Start with this book, "It's called a Break-up Because it's Broken" by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt Take notes if you get it from the library. Do the exercises. It's a really good self-help book to start with. It will get you on your way to healing. You're not stupid. Keep posting. Take care of you. Edited October 18, 2012 by CopingGal
Author alexa137 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 ok i just ordered it from amazon but will take a few days wish i could find some of it to read online the weekend is going to be the worst! well right now im in bed i really cant eat and focus on anything else i have a headache and really tired from not sleeping last night i still cant understand how someone can just tell someone to leave them alone! after we texted and talked everyday for 4 months! and i must say this was the man that i did the most with and spent the most time with and did more than any other man or all the men ive dated put together he was actually a real boyfriend so this is big for me yea i was hurt by many men who were only fwb but thought could be more but never happened i get hurt very easily! sucks because my bday is next week i dont know how to act, i wonder if i will ever hear from him again?? wish i knew how men feel, but he did say hes not changing his mind and so of course i lay here wondering if he thinking about me or cares or anything to that matter! ugh its so depressing and devastating i know it will be ok i just wish i could go to sleep and wake up a month later time goes so slow when it comes to this hes busy working all day and home alone thinking and wondering
CopingGal Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Hi. I live in a dinky little area with a very small, inferior library, but they have that book. So you can check your local library if you want to get started before the book arrives. Your birthday is coming up and you are going to celebrate. Do something fab. I mean fab. If you have money, take a hot-air balloon ride. Dress up to the nines and go out to eat, with a friend or by yourself. Go to a fancy place. Go out dancing. Take yourself to a play. Go get your first lesson of Spanish dancing or African dancing. Do something wild! Take a train ride to the other side of your country. Get on a plane and go to the tropics. If you only have a little money to disco dancing or to a jazz club. Go to the arcade and play 10 games of Ms. Pac Man. Go take a yoga class for one day. Find out what kind of activities are at the YWCA the day of your birthday if you live in the USA. You're going to be okay but you have to just deal with the pain. Your birthday will hurt, but if you can do something fabulous and celebrate your life that would be an awesome thing to do. Go visit the dogs at a shelter and spend time playing with them---esp. a no-kill shelter to lift your spirits. There are tons of things you can do to make that day special. Go to the beauty palor and get a stellar hair style. Have them dye your hair and get your nails done. Go to a disco rollerskating rink. Etc. 1
Author alexa137 Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 haha! thats funny! Well i have no money!thats why i am home everyday all day on the computer! i mean i do the online yard sale thing but thats a few dollars here and there and thats to buy dumb stuff like TP etc.... winter is especially hard b/c the pool is closed and its too cold to walk sleep will be my thing and reading magazines, well until i find a dumb article! i dont really do the club scene anymore, i think i have gone 2 times in the past yr and that was with him, we did alot, dinner, movies shopping, casino, sports, sex etc.. you know so really cant do much i dont have any close friends that i hang out with they are all busy with works kids and marriedand dont do anything(just facebook)
CopingGal Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Okay, for your birthday, make yourself a cake. Eat some and give some away to your neighbors. Make yourself a nice dinner. Go to the library and get some great DVDs and watch them. Put on some music and dance, dance, dance, dance. Start a new hobby. Go out and take pictures of the scenery and start a free flickr account to show the world your pictures. Start a search of your family's history. You can get lots of info for free. Find free tutorials on the internet regarding something you like a do. 1
Author alexa137 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 omg! last night was the worst! that was out day and night together and just realized we spent the last 19 fridays together into sat-i tried to watch a movie not interested so laid on the couch and went to bed at 11:30 and cried myself to sleep talking to myself for awhile woke up too early like 6am couldnt go back to sleep mind started thinking, wow need a pill to stop thinking! all i could do is wonder if he is thinking about me or wants to contact me! sucks! thats my only wish right now! so now what? i really wanted to go to the movies this weekend. i even printed out tickets and now im stuck home alone bored cleaning etc all weekend got rid of everything he bought me and that reminded me of him but not in my mind! just wish i could go to sleep and wake up like a few months later when it will get better too many thoughts too many memories too many good times and bothers me so much why do i care and love so much and no one does to me? its not fair i cant date anyonein the area because he knows everyone! and he even was a little upset to find out about my past but he was able to look over it finally after telling him it was so long ago and it was a mistake and that he was the best one ive dated out of everyone else(which was true)
River Rain Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 You can date anyone you choose, it shouldn't matter if he knows everyone. And there is also online dating. After my breakup, I did the same as you, destroyed all reminders of him. But to take care of the thoughts, I kept myself as busy as possible being active, healthy and also meeting as many guys as I could. I joined a few online dating sites. I didn't have anything permanent in mind, I just wanted to meet new people and see from there. Well, it's now been about 6 weeks since it was first over and I met a new guy who is really special. He lives a few hours away, but that's where I was planning to move in the spring to return to school full-time. We're taking it slow, but we've already become quite close, I've known him now for about 3 weeks. Because we're taking it slow, it's not a rebound situation for me which is nice to realize too. I think that once you allow yourself to grieve your loss, the best thing to do is choose to move on and be happy. The time you need to grieve depends on you, everyone is different, I mean, not everyone will use my "full assault" approach, but it really helped me to get over the ex. Sure I still think of him, I can't erase my mind, but there are no feelings attached anymore except that I feel sorry for him because he's set up his life to be lonely. I guess, I just think it's so sad when a person puts their life on hold from a breakup. For a while, yes, grieve, but don't let it go on too long, there is a wonderful guy out there for you.
Author alexa137 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 but its so hard! all i do is cry, cant eat cant sleep, cant concentrate on anything cant really keep busy nothing to do but internet and clean tv is boring i did delete all messages, etc pics from phone and computer, but still know his number and email by heart! sucks! i just want to contact him so bad and i know i shouldnt its killing me! wishing theres hope wondering if he missed me how do you go from being with someone everyday to nothing? no feelings, no words? no contact? its so unbelievable! hurts soooo much! im going crazy! i know the worst thing is to contact him and ive done good for 3 days! but the weekend is the worst! ugh!!!!!!!
River Rain Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 but its so hard! all i do is cry, cant eat cant sleep, cant concentrate on anything cant really keep busy nothing to do but internet and clean tv is boring i did delete all messages, etc pics from phone and computer, but still know his number and email by heart! sucks! i just want to contact him so bad and i know i shouldnt its killing me! wishing theres hope wondering if he missed me how do you go from being with someone everyday to nothing? no feelings, no words? no contact? its so unbelievable! hurts soooo much! im going crazy! i know the worst thing is to contact him and ive done good for 3 days! but the weekend is the worst! ugh!!!!!!! Yes, of course all you want to do is cry, and yes it's hard, it just happened! No, don't contact him, no matter what, you'll regret it. You're doing well, already, 3 days. And you know...it is hard to accept that you were once with someone daily then they just stop all contact. It feels like you've been discarded, but you have to try to accept it because you have no choice right? If you know weekends are the worst, can you find other ways to occupy your time rather than being at home going crazy from all this? Even if it's time alone, go for a long walk, or visit a museum, just to distract yourself and change your setting? I remember the day after I got dumped, I had to go to the dentist, I fought so hard not to cry during that visit, but it was good for me, it got me out of the house and doing something, although unpleasant, at least it distracted me somewhat. 1
Author alexa137 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 to be honest not really,nowhere to go, no money just the way it is for me i live in a very boring small town i want to disappear, he meant alot to me and treated me so good and i thought i meant alot to him, its eating me up inside! i guess im just hoping he will realize and contact me if not i just go day by day thats all i can do 1
River Rain Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 You have no choice but to take it day by day. Too bad you have nowhere else you can go for the weekend. Just stay away from the triggers, sad songs, sad movies etc...I watched a lot comedies for the first few days!
Author alexa137 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 I want to contact him so bad!!!!!!!!!! i wrote in a notebook all the things i feel and want to say to him, some good some not so good some nice things and some compliments does it really work if you dont contact them they will contact you? i mean who really came up with that idea that if someone breaks up no contact????? yea you might get ignored and told off but i dont know i mean i guess telling him how i feel doesnt matter im just lost! how can you go from texting calling and seeing someone everyday for 4 1/2 months to nothing in 3 days??? its so hard! i guess its hard for me because ive never dumped anyone, im always the one who gets dumped, hurt cheated on and lied to, dont get me wrong this dude was not cheating on me and said he was 100% in the relationship with me i just want to change his mind, i just want him to make me feel wanted needed cared for and liked and to to give me another chance
Author alexa137 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 few things i wanna say: having the feeling that you will never talk to me again is heartbreaking i enjoyed every moment we spent together and miss you how can you spend so much time with me and then walk away I want to learn how to love the right way, can you show me how? I really dont understand how you can be so heartless? Guess im hoping you will reconsider and give me another chance
CopingGal Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 but its so hard! all i do is cry, cant eat cant sleep, cant concentrate on anything cant really keep busy nothing to do but internet and clean tv is boring i did delete all messages, etc pics from phone and computer, but still know his number and email by heart! sucks! i just want to contact him so bad and i know i shouldnt its killing me! wishing theres hope wondering if he missed me how do you go from being with someone everyday to nothing? no feelings, no words? no contact? its so unbelievable! hurts soooo much! im going crazy! i know the worst thing is to contact him and ive done good for 3 days! but the weekend is the worst! ugh!!!!!!! You have the Internet. I imagine you have a phone? There's plenty to do. Build a website. Mentor someone over the intenet. Mentor a child in South Africa. Being a volunteer teacher or tutor via web cam. Run a hotline from your home. I mean....man there are so many things you can do for free with the Internet and/or phone.
Frank13 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) The thing I am getting is that you two did lots of stuff together, movies, dinners, casino, but you have no money. So was he paying for everything? Dating can be very expensive and unless he is rich, doing all that stuff can quickly drain any savings. Suddenly to him you may have looked like a user who latched onto him for the free fun and good times. Did you ever cook him dinner or do things for him where he didn't have to pay? Edited October 21, 2012 by Frank13
Author alexa137 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 yes lots of stuff every weekend esp fridays! at the beginning he paid for everything-but after a month or so, i must say i am one of those frugal people who coupon and print coupons etc all day so most of our dinners were under $20, he offered most of the time, i have rewards cards etc also then i didnt want him thinking i was using him i mean heck i got credit cards and make money selling things online everyday so i started chipping in on the tips we won a few times at the casino and lost once, i paid for the trip to the beach for a concert i wanted to go to, so it wasnt all him-it was close to 50/50
PYTpisces Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 I'm in the same boat as you, except i was with this guy for 8 months and he didn't even give me a goodbye he just disappeared. I went crazy and called/texted him non-stop until i realized i didnt have a choice but to let go. Does this pain feel heavy to you? Keep telling yourself that pain is not love, it's pain. So if he's capable of hurting you like this then it is NOT love. He dumped a really heavy load of PAIN on you. in order to love yourself (think of it as tough love) you must try to remove this load by letting go. Love doesn't always feel good, that's why i'm calling it tough love. It should absolutely never HURT though. Please try to dig deep inside yourself and sort out the difference. Be STRONG and keep going by letting him go. You're doing SO WELL! and remember you're not alone.
PYTpisces Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Also, this new "tough" love will be very uncomfortable and seemingly unbearable for a while. Keep posting with us and we will walk with you every step of the way!
Author alexa137 Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 I was doing ok all week, but today I am really missing him and Im just sitting here alone doing alot of thinking, i have mixed emotions, sad because i miss him, upset because he lead me to believe he really like me, how do spend so much time and money or someone and then throw it away and then mad of how he ended it and the reasons he broke up with me especially about my financial situation and my past i say i hate him but i miss him, dontthink i will every find another man who made me feel special and happy and did everything i always wanted a man to do with me, dinner, movies, casino, shopping,festivals, dancing, spending the weekends with me at my apt in my bed(which i dont do often) only 2 other men in 20 yrs have spent the night with me! it sucks because in the 20 yrs of dating previous to this guy all the other men didnt do any of that with me, they were mostly i guess friends with benefits and all the men i talk or meet on dating sites now and between the previous men i dated act like they dont want to do anything! ugh! so annoying and frustrating!
PYTpisces Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 It's ok to miss him right now. Miss him with your body and soul even. Sit with the disappointment and longing. If you can, find a distraction. Posting here was a great idea. Doing something, anything that serves you right now is good. Think of as many of the things possible that you didn't like about him. All in all though feeling this mixture of emotions is normal, and you should let yourself feel it all. Sometimes accepting our raw emotions is all we can do. I used to fear not finding a better man when my guy disappeared, mainly because I put him on a pedastal that he didn't deserve to be on in my mind. The further away I got from him, the more I started to see him just as another person in the world just as screwed up as any1 else. Stay strong and be proud of yourself for making it here. It DOES get better!
Author alexa137 Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 i just want him to regret breaking up with me and hopes he misses me and maybe realize that the reasons were too vague and cruel and alot of other things!
Author alexa137 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 being home all day with the storm and been reading the book its called a breakup because its already broken, is making me miss him, wondering how he is, missing the texts, sometimes 100 aday, and its hard to compare to the men in the book because he didnt cheat on me, or treat me badly, he was actually the best man ive ever had in my life! he just couldnt get my past,,,etc,,, but the more and more i realize and analyze my dating/love/men life is that Im so depressed and sad because Ive never had a man fight for me, want me back, try to contact me after a breakup, tell me he misses me etc,, you know what i mean! I dont feel needed, wanted, loved, missed, all the things that I go through everytime i go through these breakups and emotions I mean what does it take for a man to have these feelings> especially a man that gave me all the clues and actions that he was really into me? i know things men say during sex prob dont count, but he used to say dont ever give it away to no one else, its mine its so good blah blah blah ok so that doesnt count but for him to prob spent at least $1000 on me in 4 months and spend 5 out of 7 days a week with me(a first for me) means alot to me, I mean i wouldnt spend( and I never have before him) with someone if they didnt mean alot to me and i really enjoyed being with them it just messes with my mind, i ask they same questions over and over again. the things he did with me were everything i wanted from the 50 guys ive dated in the past 22 yrs and never got treated that way it sucks like i said i just want him to regret breaking up with me and i hope he misses me
Author alexa137 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 my ex just texted me happy birthday ugh! it is the worst birthday ever! been stuck in the apt for 2 days with rain! its also because ive always been single on my bday and didnt get to spend anytime with my family due to the storm, at least my parents usually take me to dinner but we are doing it another time so now about the ex, i havent had any contact with him in about 10 days what to do????????????????
PYTpisces Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Let the excitement wear off a bit before you think about responding. Keep at the forefront of your mind that this man hurt you and he's very capable of doing it again. Mine texted me too, asking if I was alright during the storm. I said yes thanks and had no hope or intention to engage in convo w/ him because unless he was going to grovel for forgiveness I knew that his reason for texting me was probably a selfish way to see if the proverbial door is still open. If you keep your feet firmly planted in reality you will be fine. Just don't act impulsively maintain your personal power!!
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