numberone Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Hello my name is Gia. Long story short, my ex and I met on New Years. Found each other in love around March. By late july she realized, I wasn't the best person for her. I became clingy, insecure and I always talked about the relationship, and never really showed my outgoing side that she used to enjoy.(though she acknowledged and said that I have always treated her the best.) She has let me come back two times, every time I screwed up. The last time I did not, but after we spent a night together, (we had sex) she told me that everything became too real again, and that she found out that she really really liked me a lot, she even said I was still her number 1. But she kept thinking if she tried it again, ultimately the relationship would not work out because of our past. She told me she thought this way because I always drove her crazy by talking about getting back when she just enjoyed my company and nothing serious.(this results from my insecurity, i wanted her back that much that i always talked about it.) So last night I decided that I had to let her go, for her to realize that I do respect her, that I was not always going to try and influence her to come back. That I let it be natural. In this situation where we both like each other a lot still,but she is afraid of me doing the same thing again, what can I do to reassure her that I won't screw up by always making our time together so difficult. Is it just no contact? or do I leave clues here and there? I need her to realize. She even said that she will miss me when I am gone. please help!!! I love her.
Mcnulty Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 2 different personalities wanting different things from life will not work. That simple I'm afraid. You have to let her go, it's knocking your self esteem and confidence, this rel. is not healthy for either of you.
JayL Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 (edited) It's not that you're insecure, you're just the type of person who perceives a relationship in a different way than she does. She's the type who is looking for a "companion" to have fun with, spend time with and at the same time have the benefits of a relationship. Her personality is not the type to look ahead. She is with you now, but she does not know if she will want to be with you tomorrow. She has the type of personality that is always craving for "what's next?" , she wants the excitement, she wants the thrill. These are the type of people in general whose minds operate logically rather than emotionally. If one day, she finds a man who she may think is better suited for her, she will leave you for him. She "wants" someone in her life as a companion, whom she can choose to stay with or not. You, on the other hand, wants a "partner" to build a potential future with. You are looking into the future, you have pictured and you are planning to be with this girl in the future, provided things go great. You want a relationship with a partner and potential better half in the near future with the benefits of having a companion to have fun with and do things with. You like things planned, you want to feel secure by having an idea of what lies ahead, of where you are going with her in the future. Your mind is more "emotionally" inclined, hence even if you find another woman who you believe is better, you'll still stick with your partner. You "need" someone in your life as a partner, whom you want to stay with as long as possible. You and her are just two different people and it is best that things end now rather than years later. I'm no expert, but this is what I've recently gone through, I'm the type who is looking for long-term and I look ahead, my ex was more like a "what's next" type of woman. She craves excitement, she craves the thrill. While me, on the other hand, I like to stick with a routine, with a plan, with the little very occasional excitement on the side. I've analyzed the situation enough and have done tremendous amount of online research while I was trying to find my closure and this is what I've learned. I hit the spot, did I not? Staying in this relationship does not allow you nor her to be yourselves, hence it will be an eternal walk on eggshells if you two are to stay together. Don't feel bad... Knowing this fact will allow you to get to the "acceptance" stage faster. What is your and her zodiac signs? Edited October 18, 2012 by JayL
Author numberone Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 its strange because we both love the feeling of having someone there. I'm not sure if she just wants to up and leave but she told me she wanted a guy that is more "sound" with being by himself before being in a relationship. She says the girl has to be like this too, but in her case, she ALWAYS COMES back when she misses me and is lonely. She has a hard time dealing with her self esteem as well. My zodiac sign is capricorn, and her's is taurus. Supposedly we are meant for each other. Also this is her last semester in college, and she is finally getting to experience new things, that she never was able to. She has new friends that she actually likes (and room mates). Is it my fault to think that when all of this is gone for her she'l come right back again when she realizes what she once loved is gone and missing becaus she wont feel safe in that new world that she lost so quick when it was only just for this semester?
Mcnulty Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 She's nearing the end of her time at college..there's your answer! She's wanting to have a good time and be free whilst doing it and adios to you I'm afraid...end of.
JayL Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 its strange because we both love the feeling of having someone there. I'm not sure if she just wants to up and leave but she told me she wanted a guy that is more "sound" with being by himself before being in a relationship. She says the girl has to be like this too, but in her case, she ALWAYS COMES back when she misses me and is lonely. She has a hard time dealing with her self esteem as well. My zodiac sign is capricorn, and her's is taurus. Supposedly we are meant for each other. Also this is her last semester in college, and she is finally getting to experience new things, that she never was able to. She has new friends that she actually likes (and room mates). Is it my fault to think that when all of this is gone for her she'l come right back again when she realizes what she once loved is gone and missing becaus she wont feel safe in that new world that she lost so quick when it was only just for this semester? You're younger than me, my heart as been broken multiple times and this last one is by far the worst in my life. I know for a fact that in the future, there could be another one or more coming. What I learned... Never expect... Never hope... If the things you expect and hope for don't come, it'll hurt you so much more. You have to let go. Life gives us no other choice when we get knocked down... that's to get back up, dust off our knees and keep going forward. If one day she comes back and you still feel the same, then great, if not, well..... it just was not meant to be in the first place. People come in our lives... some stay, some don't... one good thing is we learn something from each one of them that comes into our life, whether for short or for long-term.
Calico Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 My zodiac sign is capricorn, and her's is taurus. Supposedly we are meant for each other. In that case, the good news is that there are hundreds of thousands of other people out there who are just meant for you, too! There is nothing that you can do to convince her. And the fact that she misses you means nothing. Of course she misses you, you had been together for a while. My ex misses me too, and even said how she'll always love me, but none of that stops her from being with someone else. Even if it's true, and it probably is, it doesn't make a difference to "what is", and it doesn't mean they want to be with us. The best, I think, you can do is to do nothing. Just let it play out. If she wants you, there is nothing that will stop her from expressing that clearly to you. You're the dumpee, so the only power you have in this is over yourself and your (re)actions. You can't "make" her want you. "Leaving clues" will ensure that you'll hurt yourself: there will be pain every time the expected result doesn't happen. It's also too much like playing manipulative mind games for a genuine, lasting outcome.
JayL Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 (edited) i just miss her so much. Trust me... you're not alone. I wake up in the middle of the night from my dreams of me and my ex having sex, which makes me reach for my phone to look if she's changed her mind and messaged me. Every morning, as soon as I wake up, she pops in my mind, I reach for my phone hoping that I'll see her "good morning" message, just like the old days, but there's none... no message... Some time in the afternoon, while I'm at work, when my phone vibrates on my desk, I stare at it before I pick it up and say a wish in my mind... "I hope it's her, I hope she changed her mind..." but when I open and read the text message, it's just my friend asking what we're doing for the coming weekend. Almost every night after work, I used to go straight to her place to have dinner with her. The street where she lives is on my way home from work, I sometimes zone out and merge into the lane that goes to her street and when I snap out of it and tell myself "oh yeah.. it's over... I forgot", I merge back to the other lane. Then I get all depressed... At night, before bed, whenever I look at my bed... I see me and her... when I'm in my bed, I look at the empty space next to me where she used to lie down while facing me... smiling....followed by a kiss. The couch in my living room where her and I first made out, where her and I used to cuddle while watching TV together, the couch where her and I were sitting when she said "yes" when I asked her to be my girlfriend. Every night, I look at my phone, hoping and wishing she will message me. The "goodnight text messages and phone calls" every single night are all gone. The text message at night of "are you home yet? followed by a phone call" if I don't see her for that day. I miss seeing her name pop up on my phone.... her text message of "hey babe, how was your day?" , "hey babe, want to have dinner with me tonight?" , "hey babe, want to go for a walk tonight after your work?", "hey babe, my mom is making dinner and she's asking if you're coming over tonight, she's asking what you want to eat?". They're all gone... So don't feel so bad.... we're all going through this...... stay strong.... One day... someday... they will all come back... except it will be another name... and hopefully that name will belong to "the one". Edited October 19, 2012 by JayL
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