i am so sad!!!!!!!!

[blueman]

okay so i have been with this girl for 2 and a half years. we started dating when i was 17 and she was 16 and we fell in love right away. she had a very nasty divorce going on when i first went out with her and i remember talking with her everynight about it and she would always say how thankful she is for me being there. She always told me she loved me and i even got ditched by my party friends for her in high school. Now two proms and a whole lot of time has passed and we have had some bad arguments but she still seems to love me just as much and i still love her too. Then one day her dad gets upset about something regarding me and my girlfriend has to argue with her dad all night about it. The next day i explain to her that i am so tired of her having to argue for me when it isnt her arguent and how maybe it will be better if we werent together so she and her dad can get along. she seemed very resistant and explained to me that she has dealt with her father disliking me for over 2 years she can put up with it for 2 more. The next day we are hanging out and she says we need to break up and i ask why? she says she just is tired of the fighting and i quote "want's to see what it is like being single". What the ****!!! I got very sad and begged her to give us another chance. After three days she said yes to another chance then two days later said that she decided against another chance and wanted to be friends that could still hug kiss and talk. Then after a couple days i broke down and asked her to really try and give us a chance and she said no and then said she doesnt love me the same anymore and this is only after 5 -6 days!!!!!!!!!!! How does someone just stop loving someone that has been with them for so long? Another twist is that she hangs out with the same group i do. So that next week we are all hanging out almost every night and she gives me a huge hug every night that she sees me and a little kiss on the cheek or neck then proceeds to just kind of ignore me. So now i am really confused and we all go to the beach and she gets mad at me because i am hanging out not getting upset and having a good time. So she leaves me a message about how i started drama somehow at the beach. I call her back and explain that she doesnt seem to care about me and then i say if you want to hang out with me call me because it seems as if i am just calling and bugging you. Now i am just hurt beyond belief because i still love her and i still want her back. At the same time i need to know what to do for that to possibly happen and if it even sounds like it will. I would do anything for her and i just cant see how she just gets over me in like 4 days please help me deal with this

[wildturkey]

It will pass. If she would have been madly in love with you. She would have stucked around and work things out. She is not interested. "Cut your loses and move on". Something someone told me here. It is like a bad dream I know. Try to sleep. It helps. "If you love - you don't dump. You keep". I am not sure people can get over someone so fast unless "it was all a farse". Assuming you did not do anything badly/wrong. Or already went through the pain and it is just a matter of timing and when you find out she has gotten over. Hope I explained it right.

[xeon124]

Stop talking to her for a couple days, and let her start talking to you again. Don't beg for her back, and give her time too.

 

Here is an analogy:

 

Say, her emotions are like a broken car. She is trying to fix it, but you are there throwing kinks into it. You are begging her to hurry up and fix the car, but if she does that, it will be half-asses and will break again right away. So you just need to let her take her time to fix her own car. Also, don't try to help her fix her car, because then she will never learn to fix it herself. Plus, when you try to help fix it, you sometimes hold it back from being fixed.

 

So yeah. I hope you understand my analogy

[lioness]

Blueman,

 

The tired old phrase, "time heals all wounds" is a tired and used old phrase for a reason. It's true. You also need to put some distance between you for a while. Seeing her every day is not going to help you move on or heal. It's like throwing salt on open wounds.

[blueman]

so the latest is that i went to hang with my friends and my ex was ther keep in mind it has been only two weeks since she dumped me. I show up and see her all dressd up sexy standing right close next to some guy. I walk over and say hi to everyone and introduce myself to this guy. Then i ask my ex if we could have a quick chat she was very reluctant but said ok. as we walked i asked her to explain who he was and shesaid he was a friend she met in the mall. I asked if they had hung out before and she said yes they wen to a movie at night alone a week ago. That means my ex went on a date with this guy she just met only a week after dumping me!!!!!! I was pissed and she knew especially when i found out this guy is 22 and she just turned 18 wtf?????? So now i am forced to deal with the fact that not only is my 2 and a half year relationship over but she is already seing some 22 year old which she told me she has feelings for. what do i make of this? Especially considering that she claims to still want to be best friends? please help i am confused and just torn up inside.

[fellowes7892000]

hey, sorry to hear about your bad luck. i really hope things work out.

Maybe she's just testing the water though. If i read correctly you did bring up the notion of splitting up first?? This can be hard to hear - no matter how genuinely you only brought it up for her relationship with her father. Nevertheless, i think maybe this really got her worried that maybe it was an excuse, and you were looking for a way out?? No-one wants to get dumped, and in my experience girls are much more hung up on doing the dumping than getting dumped.

So maybe - she just needs to know that your fellings are genuinely still there - admittedly, I don't know how to prove it to her. A few rules - (1) don't beg!! I recently went through hell trying to get a girl back, and I totally shot myself in the foot by begging. Girls want dignity, and strength - especially a girl who's relationship with her father (who provides dignity and strength) is weak. That's also why maybe she's toying with an older guy. (2) Make yourself very clear that you have genuine feelings, and that you were only suggesting breaking up because of how much you loved her. (3) If it all seems like it's never going to happen again - don't let her take anything more than the relationship. What I mean is - YOU are in control of what she takes from you. Don't let it affect your school/work/life any more than you want it to. YOU are in control of your life. She doesn't control it. Also, don't stop hanging with your mutual friends if it makes you happy.

 

Basically, girls are very different than boys. We all know that. She wants control of what's going on and sometimes you may have to let the one's you love make mistakes before they realise what they had. You are ahead of her in knowing what you want, you can't make her see what she wants, only she can. So give her space but be very clear when talking to her that you are serious.

 

I really hope it works out - I hate to hear people going through this, I know it sucks - there's nothing trivial about love and what can be caused if it's not fulfilled. So remember there's always counselling and there's always someone you can ask for help - always.

 

hang in there man

dave

[blueman]

Dave thanks for your post it made me feel a little better. My question to you is what do i do to have a chance. She has told me that she wants to be best friends and i am wondering if i should or just ignore her. her friends told me that she was freaking out for like days over the possibility that if i found out she was hanging out with some guy that i would never want to see her again. she also told me that when she dumped me she basically shut out her emotions after 4 days so she could move on. My thinking is be best friends and she will realize how much fun she has when we are hanging out and how much she misses me. But by ignoring her she will miss not seeing me and talking to me and therefore make an effort to work things out. i am not going to dwell and am already moving on but i still love her. I want to know what is the best way to have things with my ex to still have a chance in the future? thanks,

aram

[fellowes7892000]

you face a very real danger that if you do offer to be best friends with her - you'll actually lose her love forever. you see, girls can totally separate friendship and romance. guys can't. that's why in most cases guys and girls who are friends, are actually girls who think the guy is their friend, but he's actualy wanting more. If you love her, you can never be her best friend. when she finds someone new it will hurt you too much. that's what I think but i could be wrong. if you want her back, you can be her friend, but she needs to know what it feels like to not be able to count on you for everything. she needs to find out exactly what life would be like without you being right there. don't get me worng, don't cut her off totally, just take it very slow and don't jump right into being her best friend because then you'll never be back to where you were. I'd say slowly be her friend, and it'll be hard not to be there all the time, but the only way she'll realise what she's lost is if you take it from her for a while. Take what you want from what I've said, i guess i'm just saying that if you jump straight in there's no going back. maybe after a while and you've gioven her space and it's obvious she just wants friendship, if you are prepared to give it then you can give it your best,

 

good luck

dave

[blueman]

ok so here is the latest. I have gone two weeks with no contact. I have been meeting ne girls and hanging with alot of old friends. Yesterday i got a call from my ex all pissed off because some guys that i went to a strip club with told her some stuff. They said to her that i had sex with the stripper and that this was when we were still going out. Of course none of this is true and I tolde her that i have nothing to gain by lying so its her choiceto believe me. She was very mad and sad at the thought of me and this stripper. My question is why does it matter now after she already dumped me and is this an effort to just communicate with me? I again did not speak with her for two weeks and when she called she also seemed very upset about me and this girl i have been seeing alot of lately. My question is why the call and why the big dea? I am confused and i guess in a way i hope it is a sign that she just misses me and just wanted to hear from me. But on the other hand i think it might be because she hasnt been doing well lately and wanted me to feel like crap to. Please help me understand why she would call me?

[blueman]

someone please help me understand this?

[fellowes7892000]

Yes - I think you could be correct in both ways to some extent. She probably is feeling like crap and hates the thought that you might be doing well enough to have moved on alreay. And yes, maybe she just wanted contact because she still has some feelings. Either way, this doesn't necessarily mean that she wants you back. If you are showing signs of moving on, then of course this will make her feel like crap. Even if she doesn't want you back, you can bet your arse that she enjoyed the fact that you were constantly trying to get her back - because that made her feel good, girls are selfish in ways like that (don't worry, guys are selfish in other ways too ladies reading this, we're as bad as each other). What a situation she had planned out - A best friend (you) who would always tell her how great and lovable she is, and the chance to run free with whichever guy she wants to, to only have her best friend there at her beck and call, willing to do anything for her....freedom without the chance of ever feeling lonely and hurt - what a deal!!!! You might be reading this thinking, man this guy has got the wrong idea about this princess, but I'm just raising it as a possibility. You have to consider the prospect that she wants to be best friends with you because then she'll never feel bad about herself, and she'll never feel lonely - and they are the 2 worst feelings in the world so why would she want to let go of you.

Yes there is a possibility that she is jealous and may want you back. In my opinion, I don't think this is the most likely case. But - if you want her back, then make her feel good, but not too often. I can see tht you don't want to lose her forever, and probably don't want to lose contact with her, so if you choose to be friends with her, you really need to be there for her, so she can see how great you are to her, but never let her take you for granted. she can't think that she can always fall back on you when she needs to. If you want to invest your feelings in her, she needs to do so for you too, and she needs to be there for you when you need her to as well. But first, you need to ask yourself whether the friendshp has an expiry date - ie.when she finds a new guy. If you can't stay friends with her once she finds someone new then maybe it's not worth getting hurt again and maybe pull yourself away from this girl. I guess in my opinion this girl probbaly hasn't made her mind up, sO I guess maybe you could hang in there for a bit longer until you better gauge what she's thinking. You do run the risk of continually being hurt by doing this though, because you'll keep getting your hopes up and then broken down. It's up to you as to whether you want to (1) hang on and possibly keep getting hurt, (2) stay friends with her but not too close so you can move on slowly but you will still hurt a bit everytime she does something with someone else, (3) decide that you guys are better off being best friends and give her a 100% attempt at being best friends and acknowledge that she'll eventually move on and you'll have to be ok with that, (4) cut your losses, move on, no more pain - no contact unless she initiates it and that way you'll be moving on and feeling better and just maybe she'll realise what she's lost and will realise she wants you back (???big maybe???)

 

good luck

dave

[blueman]

ok so here is my one month update!! Both my ex and i have had a pretty strong no contact going except in two situations. My ex has a morning math class with me from monday to thursday and she is always trying to talk to me. She also is always IMing me online. I try to be brief and short and polite. My thing is why does she every day in class sit right next to me? I told her that i could never be her friend and she asked why and i said becuase u hurt me to much. She told me thats too bad and i quote "it could have worked". Also in the last month i wrote my ex a long heartfelt letter telling her exactly how i feel and how i love her so much and hope she can find it in herself to work things out. My other girlfriends read the letter and cried saying it was so beautiful and sincere. So i gave it to her and asked her to let me know in a couple of days so she could really think about it. Well it only took her two days before with no emotion whatsoever she called me up to say no. This was the closure i needed and since this letter have moved on. I have gotten tons of new numbers and friends and have been doing very well. Every day it hurts a little less even though i can say i have some horrible days and soma awesome days. But ever since i have moved on my ex has been saying how she doesn't understand how different i have become for the better since the breakup. She says she sees me having fun with my friends and doing well in school and she feels like she is missing out. She even requested that i not discuss my plans with friends in class because she didn't wanna hear it. anyways i am doing better but i still get some mixed feelings from my ex. I still love her to death but i realize that if she loves me she knows what to do. So if anyone can answer my couple of small questions id appreciate it and i hope everyone is doing well.