Another "Just not that into me?" Thread

[plainjane79]

So I'm going to try and make this relatively brief...please feel free to ask for more details!

 

Basically, met a guy while out with friends this summer, he got my number, called me a few days later, and we went out for drinks. I then went out of town for a few days and he kept in touch via text almost daily...when I got back, we had dinner. He continued texting and calling me daily, we went out on a few more dates, and became intimate on date 5 (Dinner and drinks by his place.) I stayed the night and he continued to text me daily and tried to see me frequently the following week. The next weekend, we once again went out by his place, I once again stayed over. After this, I sensed he was pulling away...he still contacted me daily but didn't seem as eager to see me. Two weeks passed like this, where he texted or called daily but made no plans to meet...I asked to see him twice during this time period and he always agreed to see me, but seemed slightly distant.

 

So a little over a month after we first met, he went on a business trip for a little over a week. He texted me the day he left but didn't contact me at all while on his trip. When he got back, he again texted me letting me know he was back but didn't seem eager to make plans to see me or even to have much of a conversation. I waited a few days and then asked if he'd like to have dinner...he agreed and we did, but once again, cold as ice towards me, though he did kiss me several times. At this point, I figured he lost interest and stopped trying to get in touch, readying myself to move on.

 

But lo and behold, every few days since then he's been texting me inane stuff. Finally, he asked when I'd like to go out again. We met up, he's still not as warm as he was at the beginning but much less cold. But something is still off. He texted me the next day suggesting that we would be seeing another movie again in the near future. On the one or two occasions that I've texted him inane things since, he has responded pretty quickly and seems attentive.

 

I'm just wondering if any one has any thoughts on this situation, and whether it sounds like he's indeed lost interest or whether it sounds like something else is going on. Should I cut him off completely and move on or stick around but do so in a seriously watered down way (which has been my M.O. the past few weeks, since he returned from his trip.)? Thoughts?

[Drseussgrrl]

From the sound of it he's not that into you. He would still be making dates and he's not.

 

It sounds like he's keeping you around as an option (hence why he keeps in touch). I wouldn't initiate any more contact and certainly don't ask him out any more. Your gut is telling you something and you should listen to it.

[plainjane79]

From the sound of it he's not that into you. He would still be making dates and he's not.

 

It sounds like he's keeping you around as an option (hence why he keeps in touch). I wouldn't initiate any more contact and certainly don't ask him out any more. Your gut is telling you something and you should listen to it.

 

Well...he did finally make a date, last week. He asked when we were hanging out again that week, so I told him when I was free, and he took me out for dinner and a movie.

 

Oddly, last night he texted me a random amusing picture, then a few minutes later sent me another text which I think may have been for someone else, asking where the "big party" was (it's possible it was for me, but who knows...he jokes that way sometimes.) I responded jokingly to that, and insinuated that I wasn't sure he meant that text for me...to which he responded asking when we were hanging out again. I just said "soon!"

 

I guess this doesn't make a world of difference...but it's not like he's completely stopped asking me out on dates either!

[Drseussgrrl]

Well if you want to keep dating him then go for it.

 

I just wouldn't expect this to turn into something serious if that's what you want.

 

I'll say again - when you feel like you might be an option - YOU ARE. There is nothing like that unmistakable feeling when a man wants to make you all his and you know I'm right.

[zebracolors]

hello Jane.

 

"Finally" ? For your sake, I hope its just that he is still only interested in keeping things casual until he figures out what he wants. However from what you describe his behavior and text messages,( and by the way you really can't gage his true level of interest with text messages) I have to agree with Drseussgrrl. You could just be option at this point, and he's stringing you along, giving mixed signals. How much time passed before he asked you out on that most recent date?

 

Bottom line, ask yourself how much longer to you want to play this mystery game of how he is or isn't feeling about you. But as Drs says, if he was really committed to seeing where this could go, he'd initiate more in person dates.

 

Hope you figure out what is best to do in this.

[plainjane79]

Thanks Drs. I don't disagree with your overall conclusion, just wanted to mention that he was still asking me on dates, just not as often as before.

 

Hi zebra! Let's see...when he returned from his trip, we had dinner a few days later, which I initiated...then a little over a week passed until he asked me out again on this latest date. I didn't think too much of this, since he was coming back from a trip out of the country and I figured he was catching up on work, errands, etc. Plus we don't live or work close to each other (technically different states, bad train connections, he lives in the suburbs and I don't have a car, I recently moved back in with my parents temporarily but am moving out again in the next few months, yaddah yaddah) and it's always been a bit of a hassle to get together regularly. We went out on Sunday, three days ago. He then he texted me Monday saying we'd do it again soon. So that's the timetable, if it makes any difference!

 

But you're right...guessing games are no fun where feelings are concerned, and never an indication of good things to come. :-/

[Drseussgrrl]

Look girl I'm right there with you. Being single in a big city is a tough job. It can be fun but draining. I live in DC (technically VA) and finding men who live in the city to come across the river seems impossible. LOL

 

I've just chalked those guys up to not all that interested and wish them luck finding someone in their neighborhood to date so they don't have to put in so much effort.

 

Heck - it's taken me a while to come to this conclusion, but I AM worth the 15 min drive across the river to take me out in my neighborhood (not every time of course), I'm worth the pursuit, the constant contact, no guessing games, etc. It seems like every time I write one of these dudes off, months later they pop back up in some ambiguous way. Lack of options is what I chalk it up to. It's a waste of your time.

 

And it's only until we start valuing ourselves more that we can weed out these dudes looking for casual dating situations while they're still on the prowl for "the ONE".

[sweetkiwi]

when a guy is into you he will do everything he can to see you. My guy drives 30 minutes to get me after a 14 hour day.

 

Stop making excuses for him and find a guy who treats you like you want to be treated. Demand respect.

[Imajerk17]

Look girl I'm right there with you. Being single in a big city is a tough job. It can be fun but draining. I live in DC (technically VA) and finding men who live in the city to come across the river seems impossible. LOL

 

I've just chalked those guys up to not all that interested and wish them luck finding someone in their neighborhood to date so they don't have to put in so much effort.

 

Heck - it's taken me a while to come to this conclusion, but I AM worth the 15 min drive across the river to take me out in my neighborhood (not every time of course), I'm worth the pursuit, the constant contact, no guessing games, etc. It seems like every time I write one of these dudes off, months later they pop back up in some ambiguous way. Lack of options is what I chalk it up to. It's a waste of your time.

 

And it's only until we start valuing ourselves more that we can weed out these dudes looking for casual dating situations while they're still on the prowl for "the ONE".

 

 

Something about this struck me as feminine sense of entitlement.

 

Here's the thing: I have no problem making a 15-minute drive to meet someone... hell I live in Annapolis and have driven to DC *and* the VA suburbs to meet someone. But I made the drive (all the way to their town) for women who at least appeared willing to meet me halfway for a first meet. It was her willingness to meet me halfway that made me think that this woman could be worth getting to know, which made me do the chivalrous thing and drive all the way to meet her.

 

If you haven't met, neither of you should be that interested. And both of you should be willing to do the legwork... I mean, at this point when you haven't even met, what have you done or shown to deserve special treatment?

Edited October 18, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Drseussgrrl]

Yeah a first meet I don't really consider a date.

 

But it never fails. If I communicate with a guy online it has nearly ALWAYS been the case that he expects me to come into the city for that first meet. Never a "Hey what's convenient for you, too?" This has nearly always set the tone for my traveling to meet him for subsequent dates.

 

To me that's just lazy.

[Imajerk17]

Yeah a first meet I don't really consider a date.

 

But it never fails. If I communicate with a guy online it has nearly ALWAYS been the case that he expects me to come into the city for that first meet. Never a "Hey what's convenient for you, too?" This has nearly always set the tone for my traveling to meet him for subsequent dates.

 

To me that's just lazy.

 

Tell him you're willing to meet him halfway. Or propose that if he drives in you get the drinks.

 

I don't know what else to tell you. Market forces. Thing is, DC has plenty of single women who live closer to this guy and at this point you're just a profile, so...

 

Or you could try communicating with guys outside of the DC metro area. Hey I like where I live, but I soon accepted early on that if I was going to date, I better be prepared to be making a lot of 45-minute drives either north (to Baltimore) or west (to DC). Hell NOVA is actually easier to get to than DC for myself personally.

[JayL]

So I'm going to try and make this relatively brief...please feel free to ask for more details!

 

Basically, met a guy while out with friends this summer, he got my number, called me a few days later, and we went out for drinks. I then went out of town for a few days and he kept in touch via text almost daily...when I got back, we had dinner. He continued texting and calling me daily, we went out on a few more dates, and became intimate on date 5 (Dinner and drinks by his place.) I stayed the night and he continued to text me daily and tried to see me frequently the following week. The next weekend, we once again went out by his place, I once again stayed over. After this, I sensed he was pulling away...he still contacted me daily but didn't seem as eager to see me. Two weeks passed like this, where he texted or called daily but made no plans to meet...I asked to see him twice during this time period and he always agreed to see me, but seemed slightly distant.

 

So a little over a month after we first met, he went on a business trip for a little over a week. He texted me the day he left but didn't contact me at all while on his trip. When he got back, he again texted me letting me know he was back but didn't seem eager to make plans to see me or even to have much of a conversation. I waited a few days and then asked if he'd like to have dinner...he agreed and we did, but once again, cold as ice towards me, though he did kiss me several times. At this point, I figured he lost interest and stopped trying to get in touch, readying myself to move on.

 

But lo and behold, every few days since then he's been texting me inane stuff. Finally, he asked when I'd like to go out again. We met up, he's still not as warm as he was at the beginning but much less cold. But something is still off. He texted me the next day suggesting that we would be seeing another movie again in the near future. On the one or two occasions that I've texted him inane things since, he has responded pretty quickly and seems attentive.

 

I'm just wondering if any one has any thoughts on this situation, and whether it sounds like he's indeed lost interest or whether it sounds like something else is going on. Should I cut him off completely and move on or stick around but do so in a seriously watered down way (which has been my M.O. the past few weeks, since he returned from his trip.)? Thoughts?

 

This happened to me and this is with my most recent ex-gf whom I let myself fall for so hard within a month and a half. Big mistake.

 

My story is very similar to yours and my suggestion is ask him how he really feels. If the answer is not a "YES", move on.

 

He was interested at first, but now that the "thrill" of meeting someone new is gone, he got bored and he's confused about what he really feels for you, which will turn into a "no" once he meets someone else.

 

Why is he with you? You're an option that he might or might not keep, but most likely not, because he will meet someone else in the future and you'll be a used toy, he wants a new toy. He is still with you because he saw qualities that he likes, but the feelings are no longer there. Everything now is in his mind, not his heart and he can only "like" you, not "love" you no matter how long you two stay together.

 

Some people are "thrill seekers" and these are the type that you want to stay away from.

 

These people always look for something new, something to discover, something new to try.

 

Next time, don't make yourself too available. Although, doing this will only prolong something that is already destined to end.

 

You can play the game, play for a couple to several months until one gets bored of "not" being themselves and when things get real, he will pull back.

 

Ask him how long he's been single for, I'll bet you he's been single for years. If not, ask him how many relationships he has had in the past 5 years and how long did each last.

 

You'll be surprised of the answer if he gives you an honest answer.

 

My ex was single for 5 years, she has slept with I don't know how many guys, but no relationships. She was seeing different men, slept with them, tossed them in the corner, kept doing it until she met me, fed me with bullsh*t about the future, introduced me to her family etc, but in the end, she did the same time me.

 

Been there, done that.

Edited October 18, 2012 by JayL

[Drseussgrrl]

Good suggestion.

 

Tomorrow the guy I'm meeting for lunch actually works in the same neighborhood, so getting together is convenient for both of us for a first meet.

 

If he likes me and wants another date, he'll score big points if he offers to meet half way or even *gasp* pick me up!

 

But I'm kinda done traveling to meet guys who expect me to just because I have a car and they don't (hello Metro!), or NOVA just isn't as "fun" or "hip".

 

These are the same guys that fade out and pop back up again without fail wondering if I "want to catch up".

 

Case in point: One dude I went out with a few times, we had fun, I even PICKED HIM UP IN THE CITY for a few of our dates. On a few of these, he even let me pay my share of the check even though I had driven! Now he wants to know if I'm busy this weekend and says he still thinks about me a lot. PSH. Sorry - you didn't like me enough the first time around.

 

So to me, the lack of effort a man puts forth on a date = NOT THAT INTERESTED and looking for an easy lay without investment.

[snowflakes88]

Sounds like he hangs out with you if he wants something to do. Does not sound like seeing you is a priority for him. I agree that you should look elsewhere unless you're seeking something casual. Never a good sign if you have to question things so frequently in the beginning.