Grass Is Greener (GIGS) *rant*

[Sav]

There's something I do not get about this "symtom". It appears to me lots of people are attributing the failure of the relationship to GIGS.

 

Does this make people feel better or something? When a partner leaves you, the reason is useless, the point is clear. (S)he doesnt want to be with you any longer, so why justify them leaving you?

 

Seems to me that the only important piece of information that anyone should register is that their partner has forsaken them and the relationship. Why bother with GIGS or some other symtom? Does it actually make one feel better to THINK that someone left them due to GIGS?

 

P.s Just a question I've been feeling for a long time, and a rant

[KatZee]

I think it's nice to know a reason someone left you. Some people will sit for months and years wallowing, trying to figure out WHY they left. They will think, "If only I..." or "I should have done..." or "If I would have done x,y, or z" they'd still be here...

 

When in reality GIGS is about the dumper, not the dumpee. The dumpee can be the most amazing person on the face of the planet, but it won't matter. The dumper has on blinders and thinks there is even BETTER out there.

 

Instead of a dumpee beating themselves up for things they should have done, or didn't do, or could have done if only... they should know that it was never about them and they did all they could.

[paperboy48]

 

Does this make people feel better or something? When a partner leaves you, the reason is useless, the point is clear. (S)he doesnt want to be with you any longer, so why justify them leaving you?

 

Does it actually make one feel better to THINK that someone left them due to GIGS?

 

No, it does not make you feel better...but in many of these cases the dumpee analyzes the situation in greats length trying to figure out if the dumper left the R because of the dumpee or because oof the GIGS.

 

I personally feel (at least in my situation) it is a combination of the two.

 

Were you the dumpee? If so, are you saying you are able to accept the situation without any analysis of the why?

[paperboy48]

Instead of a dumpee beating themselves up for things they should have done, or didn't do, or could have done if only... they should know that it was never about them and they did all they could.

 

I agree for the most part but, in most cases I don't think the dumpee will ever know if it was truly a GIGS situation.

 

Great thread BTW

[Sav]

Were you the dumpee? If so, are you saying you are able to accept the situation without any analysis of the why?

 

This time, yes I was the dumpee. It happened few months back. Thing is, I did not try to justify the reason why she left me.

 

To me it was pretty clear. I was not worth fighting for in HER eyes. However, I'm also not that uhm egoistic to steer clear of all blame. I believe a relationship failure boils down to the two people in the relationship, which meant I had a part to play in the breakdown of this r/s.

 

I never did look back though. I miss her at times and whatnot but I'm in pretty good shape. I realize I heal faster when I do not think of the what if's and whys, which made me question people wanting to justify the reason for their partners leaving .

[Sav]

I think it's nice to know a reason someone left you.

 

But you will never know the true reason. GIGS is just something created to make ourselves feel better no? I would like to think a breakdown in r/s would be two people's fault and GIGS seem to be placing the full blame on the dumper

[TopCat22]

It's a nice theory but I'm not sure how real GIGS is. Surely every RS ends because of GIGS then? If someone doesn't want to be with you then it follows that they must feel they can do better. If they believed you were the best they could do then why would they end it? I'm sorry, but I think that GIGS theory is just a way to make the dumpees feel better about things.

[KatZee]

But you will never know the true reason. GIGS is just something created to make ourselves feel better no? I would like to think a breakdown in r/s would be two people's fault and GIGS seem to be placing the full blame on the dumper

 

I don't think it's something created at all. I think it's a perfectly legit explanation for why some people leave others.

 

Due to emotional immaturity, selfishness, emotional unavailability, they think there is better out there for them. Instead of taking a look at what they DO have, they pin blame on the dumpee and convince themselves they'll find better, or that the new person they just met is "so much better" than what they had.

 

They find out in due time that this wasn't true. It happens every single day. The guy who a year later tries to get that one ex back that he left b/c he thought he found better.

[Sav]

@KatZee: I agree with you on some level about dumpers convincing themselves that they will find better out there and realize what they had was good only to come crawling back. But there has to be underlying issues that triggered such a thought.

 

The issue could be as simple as the relationship becoming a routine which led to the dumper thinking someone out there is better. When in this case the dumpee didn't do any mistake (cheating blabla), there has to be blame on both the dumpee and the dumper for not trying as hard as when they first started out which caused the relationship to stale.

 

So GIGS may be a legit explanation for some breakups but something has to trigger the reaction in the person (dumper). And too many people here seem to think that their breakups are due to GIGS and only the dumper is at fault which makes me perplexed. How can there be a perfect partner in a relationship? Surely the dumpee did some things too ( or did not do some things )

[TopCat22]

I have to agree with Sav here. If someones needs are being met in a RS then they don't leave it. Ever. When needs stop being met (regardless of why) that is when a person will start to look elsewhere and wonder if another person is better for them. To simply label everything as GIGS seems a convienient way of putting all the blame on the dumper.

[Sav]

Once that happens, they get angry for having False Hope and go on the offensive and attack the "theory" of G.I.G.S. or blame me (and others who post about it) for giving them False Hope. This thread being an example.

 

Woah hold your horses right there. This thread isn't attacking the theory of whatever neither am I blaming you for anything. (You could point it out specifically where I attacked GIGs or where I blamed you)

 

Au contraire, GIGS doesn't seem to be useful other than preventing the dumpee from bashing themselves up. The theory of GIGs is that the dumper left in search of a greener pasture whilst not realizing what (S)he had was good. << This creates the illusion to the dumpee that "Oh wow, (S)he didn't realize what (S)he had was awesome, there's nothing wrong with me, it's just the immaturity of the dumper"

 

You can deny this all you want but that's actually what GIGS is putting into people's head. Instead of the dumpee thinking what went wrong with himself/herself, GIGS encourages them to place the blame on the other party. Now I dont see any learning experience in this. Dumpees are conveniently attributing their breakups to GIGS and not looking into their own faults.

 

Instead of placing everything on GIGS, why can't you step back and think of what caused the dumper to even entertain the thought that there is something better out there? Was it the neglect of the relationship? Was it the dull routine? Was it the sex? Face it. GIGS happen in EVERY breakup. People leave because they think something better is out there. The real problem is the process that led to the GIGS, not GIGS itself.

 

You seem to think GIGS as an all-powerful solution to every breakup. Why did he leave me? Oh it's GIGS, nothing to do with you. Why did she go? Oh it's GIGS, it happens to immature people. << Can you see the problem here? The full blame is placed upon the dumper and the dumpee is not taking responsibility in the breakup. It takes two hands to clap, I know I didnt wake up one day and suddenly said to myself, hey I can do better, alright I'm dumping my gf. No, there were circumstances that led to that. And that's the purpose of this thread. To question people why are they using GIGs as an excuse which prevents themselves from improving as a person; not attacking your theory or anything, get off your high horse

[KatZee]

Sav, that's a valid argument, however if someone is just denying they had any fault in the split and just says, "Oh it was G.I.G.S!" then they're not being emotionally mature about it either.

 

You have to look at the split, because not all breaks are the same. I wouldn't say that my ex left because of GIGS. I know that I did certain things he didn't like. I tried to change myself for him. In the end, it didn't work. He never truly loved or accepted me for me anyway, I was just an escape, a rebound and a transition girl.

 

If a person however DOES do that introspection and can't find SIGNIFICANT cause for the split from their end... lets say it was fully loving, great communication, long-term that eventually got a little boring and comfortable and one day one partner just goes, "Hey sorry. Leaving you!" And winds up leaving their long-term partner for the hot new executive in their office, I would attribute that to GIGS. They got bored. No real reason for leaving other than they wanted to see what was on the other side of the fence.

 

Not every relationship can be classified as GIGS at all. That's the problem here. You need to KNOW what kind of break up you were a part of.

[songbird70]

There's something I do not get about this "symtom". It appears to me lots of people are attributing the failure of the relationship to GIGS.

 

Does this make people feel better or something? When a partner leaves you, the reason is useless, the point is clear. (S)he doesnt want to be with you any longer, so why justify them leaving you?

 

Seems to me that the only important piece of information that anyone should register is that their partner has forsaken them and the relationship. Why bother with GIGS or some other symtom? Does it actually make one feel better to THINK that someone left them due to GIGS?

 

P.s Just a question I've been feeling for a long time, and a rant

 

 

IMO...GIGS is a way to make the dumpee feel better. I don't agree there is such a 'condition'. I think the problem with relationships lasting or working out now days is simply because as a society we have gotten greedy, lazy, too picky. Greedy, because when you have a partner that has the qualities that you are looking for, or like in that individual, after you've been with them awhile you tend to feel you can get better (or more) from someone else. Lazy, simply because most of us are not willing to put forth any work anymore in making a relationship work. And lastly, too picky! No one is perfect, and NO two people are exactly alike. With that being said, there will ALWAYS be SOMETHING about the SO that you may not like or disagree with. Instead of working it out, or accepting the reality of that fact, some dumpers tend to think that if they keep looking they will find that 'perfect' match. THERE IS NO SUCH THING!

 

It is now so 'convenient' to have sex, meet potential mates (online dating, etc.), raise kids as single parents, and get divorces that not many people want to even put any effort in making a relationship work. 'Back in the days' when people fell in love, they married and worked through the issues they had instead of leaving due to some crazy (or petty) reason. Most of those were the couples who stayed together 50+ years until death, and the surviving partner found it difficult to survive without them. That to me is a testimony of true love and effort put into a union that we lack today. Again, I blame it on convenience and greed to always want what else is out there instead of being satisfied with what you have (provided it's good in all the right places) and not so much GIGS. JMO

[Sav]

@ KatZee : Now that's something I can agree with. However, the problem here is that almost everyone is classifying their breakups as GIGS. (Or almost every thread that I read). Now I'm not saying that they are wrong but somehow, this "theory" which is supposed to help them is in turn working against them.

 

People tell them oh it's GIGs, it happens and there's nothing you can do about it. << This statement might seem to be comforting but it actually tells the dumpee that it's the dumper's fault and there's nothing wrong with the dumpee.

 

Now your example about the long term relationship and the partner leaving cuz he was bored, I would attribute that to people getting lazy. You dont get bored if the relationship you had was an exciting one. People do get comfortable after awhile and it is actually one of the many reasons why partners get bored. Because they are too comfortable and fall into a routine.

 

For that case, I would say both parties are at fault but the dumper has more blame. A relationship after all takes hard work and once the input stops, the feelings will also die down.

[Sav]

IMO...GIGS is a way to make the dumpee feel better. I don't agree there is such a 'condition'. I think the problem with relationships lasting or working out now days is simply because as a society we have gotten greedy, lazy, too picky. Greedy, because when you have a partner that has the qualities that you are looking for, or like in that individual, after you've been with them awhile you tend to feel you can get better (or more) from someone else. Lazy, simply because most of us are not willing to put forth any work anymore in making a relationship work. And lastly, too picky! No one is perfect, and NO two people are exactly alike. With that being said, there will ALWAYS be SOMETHING about the SO that you may not like or disagree with. Instead of working it out, or accepting the reality of that fact, some dumpers tend to think that if they keep looking they will find that 'perfect' match. THERE IS NO SUCH THING!

 

It is now so 'convenient' to have sex, meet potential mates (online dating, etc.), raise kids as single parents, and get divorces that not many people want to even put any effort in making a relationship work. 'Back in the days' when people fell in love, they married and worked through the issues they had instead of leaving due to some crazy (or petty) reason. Most of those were the couples who stayed together 50+ years until death, and the surviving partner found it difficult to survive without them. That to me is a testimony of true love and effort put into a union that we lack today. Again, I blame it on convenience and greed to always want what else is out there instead of being satisfied with what you have (provided it's good in all the right places) and not so much GIGS. JMO

 

Oh you just worded this so beautifully. This is what I'm trying to get across. Relationship takes hardwork and perseverance. There are no holidays in a relationship. Your points are wonderful and I have to say I agree with what you said about the olden days where people worked through issues.

[beyond]

I'm always puzzled why people are puzzled about GIGS.

 

Have you, your parents or Grandparents never heard or said "oh no, he/she shouldn't get engaged/married/serious at such a young age, they need to go and sow their wild oats" or similar?

 

I've always known it existed, just didn't call it GIGS.

 

Was my GIGS ex to blame for dumping me because he was young, wanted to concentrate on building his career, dating other girls because he wasn't ready to settle down with anyone? No, I don't think he was.

Technically I dumped him because I could see all the signs and knew I had to set him free. Yes, he did things 'wrong' in the relationship at the end because he wanted to hang onto me one minute whilst pulling away the next. I did things 'wrong' too - mainly not letting him go a lot sooner.

 

To be honest, I'm fed up with hearing people say a GIGS break up is some sort of cop out and there must have been other 'real' reasons. It was the most painful and 'real' break up I've ever experienced mainly because I knew we were good together and I knew he wold regret his decision and when he came back it may be too late for us (sadly, both these things came true years later when he tried to).

 

Sometimes I think it would have been easier if he'd cheated/treated me badly, then I could have been angry with him, gone into victim mode and concluded that all men were basta**s! Or, If I'd been at fault, I could work on those things and then tried to get him back.

Instead I had to swallow my hurt pride, push my bruised ego aside and love him enough to let him go.

 

There are always reasons why people break up, and it really helps healing to figure out why. No, it doesn't bring that person back, but it helps to answer all those enevitable questions that follow a break up.

[KatZee]

@ Sav--- of course relationships take work. That's the issue in today's society. We're all about convenience, getting things done quickest, getting things done easily. Most of society these days are so lazy. Instead of putting work into a relationship that has history, but has gotten boring, they'd move right onto the next and chalk it up to: "I guess our connection is gone. This new piece is much more exciting so she's probably the one who is right for me." A lot of people don't like to put in the work to achieve greatness, they just skip around from one to the next, looking for bigger better, without ever realizing that it takes WORK!

[Sav]

To be honest, I'm fed up with hearing people say a GIGS break up is some sort of cop out and there must have been other 'real' reasons. It was the most painful and 'real' break up I've ever experienced mainly because I knew we were good together and I knew he wold regret his decision and when he came back it may be too late for us (sadly, both these things came true years later when he tried to).

 

Well, I'm sorry to hear that you're fed up with people saying about GIGS being a cop out. I do agree to SOME extent (as stated previously) that GIGS could very well explain several breakups. However, didn't you just state the reasons for your ex leaving you? "Wanting to focus on career" << isn't this a pretty legitimate reason? This doesn't seem to be a GIGS scenario but it seems to me that he wasn't ready for a commitment. Grass is Greener? Don't think so. More like not ready to get into a serious relationship. (had other priorities)

[Sav]

@ Sav--- of course relationships take work. That's the issue in today's society. We're all about convenience, getting things done quickest, getting things done easily. Most of society these days are so lazy. Instead of putting work into a relationship that has history, but has gotten boring, they'd move right onto the next and chalk it up to: "I guess our connection is gone. This new piece is much more exciting so she's probably the one who is right for me." A lot of people don't like to put in the work to achieve greatness, they just skip around from one to the next, looking for bigger better, without ever realizing that it takes WORK!

 

YES. I agree with you 100%. And that is why I dont think alot of dumpers leave due to GIGS. It's more towards laziness. With hard work, a 10 year relationship can feel like a new one every single day

[KatZee]

YES. I agree with you 100%. And that is why I dont think alot of dumpers leave due to GIGS. It's more towards laziness. With hard work, a 10 year relationship can feel like a new one every single day

 

And some people actually do live in the deluded reality that relationships DON'T take work and that they should be easy 100% of the time. I would call this GIGS too, not just laziness. They think because there are struggles that it's not right, so they think something out there that's (easier at the time) is better, and a better fit for them.

[beyond]

Well, I'm sorry to hear that you're fed up with people saying about GIGS being a cop out. I do agree to SOME extent (as stated previously) that GIGS could very well explain several breakups. However, didn't you just state the reasons for your ex leaving you? "Wanting to focus on career" << isn't this a pretty legitimate reason? This doesn't seem to be a GIGS scenario but it seems to me that he wasn't ready for a commitment. Grass is Greener? Don't think so. More like not ready to get into a serious relationship. (had other priorities)

 

I wrote my reply in a hurry, so sorry if all I stated was that my ex wanted to concentrate on career. He wanted to go date others, sow his wild oats, see what else was out there despite saying I was 'perfect' for him.

No he wasn't ready for a commitment and yes it was GIGS.

Did knowing that make the break up easier? Absolutely not, quite the opposite as I explained before.

[mvc]

it doesnt really matter if G.I.G.S exists or not, if it helps the dumpee accept the break up and move on then thats all that really matters. you have to do what you have to do to get where you want to be. the people who say their ex had G.I.G.S probs dont have a clear reason why the breakup happend and are confused/spinning in circles trying to figure out what happend, so if they can say the ex had G.I.G.S and accept that then they will begin to move on and ultimately thats all that really matters.

 

just my 2c anyways

[beyond]

it doesnt really matter if G.I.G.S exists or not, if it helps the dumpee accept the break up and move on then thats all that really matters. you have to do what you have to do to get where you want to be. the people who say their ex had G.I.G.S probs dont have a clear reason why the breakup happend and are confused/spinning in circles trying to figure out what happend, so if they can say the ex had G.I.G.S and accept that then they will begin to move on and ultimately thats all that really matters.

 

just my 2c anyways

 

Totally disagree.

 

I longed to find another reason why we had broken up. If he'd fallen out of love with me, of course it would have been hard but I would have accepted it and moved on a lot quicker than I did. I'd had non GIGS break ups before and knew exactly what the problems were - this was totally different.

 

If I'd wanted to give myself an easier time and accept the break up quicker, I would have denied he had GIGS and tried to convince myself we weren't getting on or some other falsehood.

 

Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately!) I was older than the usual GIGS dumpee so recognised it for what it was. I do agree with Gibson when he says you usually either have to be older or to have been through GIGS yourself to recognise it.

[mvc]

Totally disagree.

 

I longed to find another reason why we had broken up. If he'd fallen out of love with me, of course it would have been hard but I would have accepted it and moved on a lot quicker than I did. I'd had non GIGS break ups before and knew exactly what the problems were - this was totally different.

 

If I'd wanted to give myself an easier time and accept the break up quicker, I would have denied he had GIGS and tried to convince myself we weren't getting on or some other falsehood.

 

Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately!) I was older than the usual GIGS dumpee so recognised it for what it was. I do agree with Gibson when he says you usually either have to be older or to have been through GIGS yourself to recognise it.

 

you dont agree that the dumpee moving on is the best thing for them?

[Sav]

This is horsecrap! I should know, I had G.I.G.S. and so did most of my friends!

 

From the age of 17 - 22 I dated the most AMAZING and WONDERFUL girl.She was smart, sweet, funny, great family, attractive (Hell, she was the Prom Queen and later modeled). There wasn't a thing wrong with her and should could not have been any better. Before, during and after her (even more so)... I ALWAYS knew how special she was.

 

I wanted to focus on my career, hang out with my friends, party, club, drink, etc. I also wanted to date / sleep with other women because up to that point, I didn't very much. I met her when I was 17 so how much "experience" could I really of had since my parents were taking me on dates before I had my drivers licence. I was 22, living on my own, had my freedom (which I never had a chance to experience) and knew I was way to young / immature to get married and settle down.

 

Can you please explain to me what my Ex did that was wrong or what she could have done that was suppose to make me not think, feel and believe what I did? Was she to let me go date and sleep with other women just because I had a strong need, desire and curiosity too?

 

Even at the tender of 22 (when we broke up), with my immaturity and with little to no life / dating experience... I knew she was one of a kind and someone I would be lucky to marry. After "sowing my wild oats" (G.I.G.S.) for several years... Who in the hell did you think I wanted to be with? That's right, the one I dumped due to G.I.G.S.

 

Even though I already knew how rare, amazing and special she was... As I went through G.I.G.S. and when I came out of it.... I now had the perspective, maturity and life / dating experience to magnify what I already thought of her it 1,000 times over. Had I married her... I would always wondered, would have ended up resenting her (even though she would not have deserved it), taken her for granted and ended up divorced.

 

My friends also had similar experiences and the ones that didn't act on their G.I.G.S.... All ended up with marriages that lasted only a few years. When divorced, they didn't jump into another relationship or marriage... They went and "sowed their wild oats" and got it out of their system.

 

For whatever reason, I think you either have to have G.I.G.S. or be a lot older to understand / comprehend it.

 

Oh yeaaaaaa tell me your ex which you dumped due to "GIGS" were totally flawless. That, my friend is as you would say, horsecrap. Every relationship would have its problems and there are bound to be quarrels and such.

 

As I have already stated, there is no way you wake up one day and suddenly say "Hey I wanna sleep around, alright time to ditch my gf" No such bull. There are bound to be things leading up to the breakup no matter how minor it is. It could be quarrels or little quirks that are still fresh that made you decide that you could do better.

 

You are able to rationalize the breakup now because you had such a long time and you had more dating experience now. After dating many people, you found out that your ex which you dumped was better and hence attribute your dumping to "GIGS".

 

After my breakups and stepping back, I realized some of my exes were great people but I failed to see it due to some quarrels we had and all. I agree with Katzee when she said all relationships need work. You did not dump her due to GIGs..you dumped her because you were lazy and decided not to work on the relationship any further. Getting a new relationship would be easier for you and thats the reason you broke up not "GIGS"