Cheated and moved on hopefully....

[Bobjohn]

Ok so ive been with my SO for about 6 years. And its been great 6 years, we have been living together for the last 3. we are both working now and actually got engaged not too long ago. So now shes planning the wedding and all that good stuff and im supporting her and we are both very excited. I also do love her very much.

Im 26 and shes 25 by the way. Since i proposed and a little before that ive been having some what of cold feet, thinking that wow is that it?! I mean i live once and ill be with the same woman for the rest of my life. I started freaking out on the inside whether i made the right choice or more importantly whether the timing was right.

For the last little while due to working condition we've been apart from each other for a few weeks at a time. Then we would get back together and be always busy and trying to catch up on friends and house and then we'd be apart again.

Also the sex life has never been that great, i mean there were times when we really got it on and never consistant and for the most part boring. Shes also really hard to please and is not very adventurous in bed. I love it rough, fast, sweaty etc.

Long story short, we were apart for work again and i looked up online website for casual meetings. This girl was asking for eaxctly what i was looking for and after some emails we decided to meet at restaurant that day. It was a blind date and we agreed on no awckwarness of we dont like each other. So i waited at the bar, and to my suprise this incredibly good looking, very petite blonde comes up and introduces herself. We knew right away and we clicked right away. We had an awesome night with drinks and she flirted and we went to hotel room after. Let me tell you this, this blonde is way better looking than my fiancee and her body was just incredible, something you'd see on a cover of a magazine.

Anyways we go to hotel and have the best sex of my lifetime, side of the pool, hot tub, all over the room. all night long. And she was awesome and it was epic. I mean i walked around with a smile for 2 days after that.

The bad part about it is that i dont really feel quiulty about it. I mean im giving my fiancee the wedding she wants, big ring, the whole nine yards and always have for the last 6 years. And this one night stand for me was just unreal, like a breath of fresh air. WOW!

 

So anyways, i dont really feel quilty but im not planning on meeting this girls again because then it will turn from one night stand to an affair. Also, im a bit paranoid right now about the discovery but spent the last 3 days going over details making sure no trail was left behind. N

Right now i want to move on and enjoying our life together and get married and remember this random occasion as a sweet but dirty memory.

My question is, am i messed up? am i a heartless prick? Do i have issues and maybe shouldnt even get married?

Or the whole thing is cut and dry just like i explained and i should move on.

 

p.s. My fiancee cheated on me once as well and confessed 1 year later and i forgave her for that.

[BetrayedH]

The problem here is that what you have done solves nothing and now you will have this huge wall between you that will prevent you from reaching true intimacy with her for the rest of your life. This is not a great way to start off, well, the rest of your life with her.

 

You are 26 years old. Are you really going to take this to the grave with you?

 

The fact of the matter is that she has a right to make an informed decision about how to spend the rest of her life. Does she deserve to be lied to for the rest of her days by the one person in life that is about to take vows to protect her? That most certainly means that you should be the LAST person to betray her.

 

You're still basking in the chemicals of your ONS. It felt good and has left you with a residual high. Your brain says, how can that be bad? By the way, once it fades, you're going to want to hit that pipe again. And you will have suffered no consequences from your actions this time around. What will be there to stop you? This is how serial cheaters are born.

 

The interesting thing is that you have another brain. And that brain is going to be the one that remembers this for the rest of your days. And anytime your wife says how thankful she is to have you and how grateful that she is that you stayed with her after her indiscretion, you'll say, ok hon, I, um, love you, too.

 

Look, if you want to marry this girl and spend the rest of your life together, then it is going to take an unbreakable bond between you to make that happen. And that bond isn't going to happen with this massive wall of deception between you. The only way to reconcile this relationship is to truly reconcile with her. That means coming fully clean, showing true remorse, and hoping for forgiveness. Otherwise, your marriage and this grand wedding you are giving her is a great big sham. What a huge waste of her time and yours.

 

Whatever you do, be respectful to her and give her the same opportunity to make a choice that you gave yourself. Maybe she needs one last fling before she is married. Maybe she has the same reservations about marrying you that you have about marrying her but doesn't have the courage to break it off.

 

Start using your mind here, Bob. Your choices are either to

 

(1) Leave her and confess (at least this respects her enough to give her the truth)

 

(2) Leave her and lie (seems kinda cruel to me)

 

(3) Stay with her and confess (best idea if you want to be married to her) or

 

(4) Stay with her and lie (stupid)

 

You got in your selfish time. Now, what does she deserve?

[Bobjohn]

Thank you for such a quick response. Yes you make perfect sense and i will take your suggestions into consideration

[CarboniteCammy]

Sexual compatability is a really big deal when it comes to long term happiness with a partner.

 

My suggestion is not to settle for your fiancee and to really give yourself a chance to find someone that you can really respect and to whom you can give yourself 100%.

 

By cheating and feeling no remorse, you have indicated that your relationship with your fiancee is not where you really want it to be. Happy people don't cheat unless they are pathological liars or sex addicts.

 

I feel that you should end your relationship with your partner, but perhaps not tell her about the encounter with the hot blond. If you tell her about this encounter, it will leave her feeling sub par. Also, trying to justify your cheating by saying she also cheated on you is another indication of your unhealthy relationship.

 

she does not have to forgive you for this. All is fair in love and war, and you can't expect her to react as you did.

[Bobjohn]

CarboniteCammy,

 

You are definately saying things that have crossed my mind in the last month or so.

The reason i mentioned that she cheated and i forgave to show that there has been a crack in the relationship before. I didnt mean to say that to justify me cheating now.

You are speaking the truth, the scary part of course is that, us being together is all we, our families, friends, careers, location of our house. This is all we know and have known for the last 6 years. I will honestly have to move to a different city and start everything from scratch if we break up. Sell the house, the cars, change jobs and most of friends and hoping her dad will not come in with a 12 gauge through my bedroom door even if im in different town. But you are speaking sense for sure. Thanks

[Bobjohn]

Also, it is not true that i do not feel no remorse, i do very much so. However, i feel that i should be just crawling up the wall with regret and its been a bit of time and nothing strong like that.

[Spark1111]

I think your relationship died a natural death a long time ago but the friendship keeps you together.

 

Nothing wrong with that, certainly not in your 20s.

 

But unless you can't imagine a life without her.....I do not think you should marry her NOW.

 

You obviously have not sewn enough wild oats. Why did you commit to marry this woman?

[BetrayedH]

Also, it is not true that i do not feel no remorse, i do very much so. However, i feel that i should be just crawling up the wall with regret and its been a bit of time and nothing strong like that.

 

What is stopping you from telling her and then seeing if you two work on it together or separate?

[Bobjohn]

I think your relationship died a natural death a long time ago but the friendship keeps you together.

 

Nothing wrong with that, certainly not in your 20s.

 

But unless you can't imagine a life without her.....I do not think you should marry her NOW.

 

You obviously have not sewn enough wild oats. Why did you commit to marry this woman?

 

Very good question Spark,

 

Well i have to say i do love her and i do care for her and what shes doing and such. In the last 6 years everything have been coming to this one thing of getting married around the family and where you are supposed to be in life and i have never been too much of disturber. Actually i was before i met her and then i got tame and just let things flow. This marriage is defiantely making sense from where we are at in life and whats coming in the future but it does scare me of its boredom. Mind you we do have fun when we are together, tons of fun and she completes me quite well. Lets just say, I decided to marry her because we are together anyways and it seemed to come to it anyways. Wow that does not sound good eh?

[Spark1111]

Very good question Spark,

 

Well i have to say i do love her and i do care for her and what shes doing and such. In the last 6 years everything have been coming to this one thing of getting married around the family and where you are supposed to be in life and i have never been too much of disturber. Actually i was before i met her and then i got tame and just let things flow. This marriage is defiantely making sense from where we are at in life and whats coming in the future but it does scare me of its boredom. Mind you we do have fun when we are together, tons of fun and she completes me quite well. Lets just say, I decided to marry her because we are together anyways and it seemed to come to it anyways. Wow that does not sound good eh?

 

No, not good at all...

 

You go with the flow, you avoid conflict, you haven't been able to negotiate the sex life you want or need, you have both now cheated on each other.

 

Do NOT get married because it is the thing to do or the family expects it of you because you have been together for six years.

 

You describe your relationship as if it is a well-worn habit. I think you really like each other....but it takes mad passionate love, honest communication and total commitment to make the long haul.

 

You are still so young by todays standards.

 

if nothing else, please seek couple's counseling before marriage. You may discover both of you are missing something.

 

Do NOT let the your focus be on the wedding as the be all end all like so many other young couples today.

 

You HAVE to want to wake up next to each other for every day of the rest of your life.

[sad puppy]

Getting married will be a disaster. You are not sexually compatible - get ready for a life of celibacy or a life of cheating, take your pick.

[Sauron]

I hope you kept the blondes contact information. You remind me of me in my younger years, except for feeling guilty. I would not get married, you will miss the sex, when your GF becomes your wife it will be more bland and the issue will get much bigger, if she is not adventerous now she never will be. The only way I would marry your GF is if her family is loaded and she will inherit a bunch of money, then you can solve your problems and afford to do so.

[Bobjohn]

Thanks for all your replies and thoughts. I think this one nigher actaully taight a quite a few things. It taught me that maybe instead of giving up and ruin everything i should carry the burden and not spill it on her. Instead ill give it my best on trying to upgrade and make our relatioship better by being honest and best boyfriend for now. I will try to spice up our sex life and talk about it and see where it leads. We are not getting married right away. Theres a bit of time before that so this soon future will show if i can make it better. If all fails, i will tell brake it off.

[nofool4u]

My question is, am i messed up? am i a heartless prick?

 

Just remember, you asked.

 

The answers, IMO are yes and yes.

 

 

Do i have issues and maybe shouldnt even get married?

 

No, you have no business getting married.

 

 

Or the whole thing is cut and dry just like i explained and i should move on.

 

Move on, but set your gf free.

 

p.s. My fiancee cheated on me once as well and confessed 1 year later and i forgave her for that.

 

Well what goes around comes around. But she at least gave you the respect of giving you a choice. You now need to do the same.

[veggirl]

dude you can't go 6 years without cheating, what makes you think you can go the rest of your life? you obviously aren't happy with the sex life you have now, well it isn't going to change. why the eff do you stay with someone for 6 yrs when you have such a huge issue?! damn people baffle me. you've had SIX YEARS to "make it better" (the sex) and it hasn't worked yet but uh good luck. your poor clueless fiance.

[Bobjohn]

Alright,

I think I'm going to confess to her. You guys are all right. It's time to do the right thing. Thanks again for all the replies. I think I got it figured.

[BetrayedH]

Alright,

I think I'm going to confess to her. You guys are all right. It's time to do the right thing. Thanks again for all the replies. I think I got it figured.

 

Better. Confess and stay or confess and go.

 

My vote is that you confess, stay, be honest about your problems (via couples counseling) and see if she'll work on them.

[Bobjohn]

Better. Confess and stay or confess and go.

 

My vote is that you confess, stay, be honest about your problems (via couples counseling) and see if she'll work on them.

 

I hope your vote exactly how it happens.

Thanks to everyone this website is great.

[BetrayedH]

I hope your vote exactly how it happens.

Thanks to everyone this website is great.

 

Statistically, you literally double your chances of reconciling by disclosing your affair rather than it being discovered. But contrary to conventional thoughts, most people that are betrayed do stay, at least initially.

 

I recommend that you disclose to her soon (while you are decisive and before it has a chance to be discovered) but there are some things you should anticipate and plan for when it happens and that may even help influence her decision to stay.

 

Are you up for some suggestions?

[Bobjohn]

Statistically, you literally double your chances of reconciling by disclosing your affair rather than it being discovered. But contrary to conventional thoughts, most people that are betrayed do stay, at least initially.

 

I recommend that you disclose to her soon (while you are decisive and before it has a chance to be discovered) but there are some things you should anticipate and plan for when it happens and that may even help influence her decision to stay.

 

Are you up for some suggestions?

 

Yes I'd love to hear what you have to say. I'm all ears!))

[veryhappy]

Let's fast forward 10-15 years. A couple of kids, a sexless marriage, one or more affairs. Sounds like fun. If you are marrying her for anything but a satisfied sexual life, it can work. Don't say we didn't tell you.

[Bobjohn]

Bobjohn,

 

based on the way you describe how great the sex with the blonde was, I would definitely break up with the fiancee and have as much sex as possible with the blonde. Then perhaps maybe you could use that hook up website for more adventures of the same type.

 

You're absolutely right--life is way too short to be in a sexually unsatisfactory relationship out of a sense of obligation or inertia.

 

Wow this is definitely a 180 degree turn from all the other replies. Thanks for your opinion. I almost sense some sarcasm in it. Thanks!

[Bobjohn]

Let's fast forward 10-15 years. A couple of kids, a sexless marriage, one or more affairs. Sounds like fun. If you are marrying her for anything but a satisfied sexual life, it can work. Don't say we didn't tell you.

 

Oh trust there's more than just sex. I still love her!

I mean what if we together work on out sex issues and it becomes better. Why do u assume sexless marriage right away?

It can be fixed I truly believe that.

[whichwayisup]

Ok so ive been with my SO for about 6 years. And its been great 6 years, we have been living together for the last 3. we are both working now and actually got engaged not too long ago. So now shes planning the wedding and all that good stuff and im supporting her and we are both very excited. I also do love her very much.

Im 26 and shes 25 by the way. Since i proposed and a little before that ive been having some what of cold feet, thinking that wow is that it?! I mean i live once and ill be with the same woman for the rest of my life. I started freaking out on the inside whether i made the right choice or more importantly whether the timing was right.

For the last little while due to working condition we've been apart from each other for a few weeks at a time. Then we would get back together and be always busy and trying to catch up on friends and house and then we'd be apart again.

Also the sex life has never been that great, i mean there were times when we really got it on and never consistant and for the most part boring. Shes also really hard to please and is not very adventurous in bed. I love it rough, fast, sweaty etc.

Long story short, we were apart for work again and i looked up online website for casual meetings. This girl was asking for eaxctly what i was looking for and after some emails we decided to meet at restaurant that day. It was a blind date and we agreed on no awckwarness of we dont like each other. So i waited at the bar, and to my suprise this incredibly good looking, very petite blonde comes up and introduces herself. We knew right away and we clicked right away. We had an awesome night with drinks and she flirted and we went to hotel room after. Let me tell you this, this blonde is way better looking than my fiancee and her body was just incredible, something you'd see on a cover of a magazine.

Anyways we go to hotel and have the best sex of my lifetime, side of the pool, hot tub, all over the room. all night long. And she was awesome and it was epic. I mean i walked around with a smile for 2 days after that.

The bad part about it is that i dont really feel quiulty about it. I mean im giving my fiancee the wedding she wants, big ring, the whole nine yards and always have for the last 6 years. And this one night stand for me was just unreal, like a breath of fresh air. WOW!

 

So anyways, i dont really feel quilty but im not planning on meeting this girls again because then it will turn from one night stand to an affair. Also, im a bit paranoid right now about the discovery but spent the last 3 days going over details making sure no trail was left behind. N

Right now i want to move on and enjoying our life together and get married and remember this random occasion as a sweet but dirty memory.

My question is, am i messed up? am i a heartless prick? Do i have issues and maybe shouldnt even get married?

Or the whole thing is cut and dry just like i explained and i should move on.

 

p.s. My fiancee cheated on me once as well and confessed 1 year later and i forgave her for that.

 

DO not get married. Your fiance isn't the one for you. She is who she is, you are who you. Sexually you two are not compatible and you find it boring with her and inconsistant. You want more, she probably (as time goes on) will want it less.

 

End it and move on. You don't seem to be totally and absolutely in love with her either, just from the way you describe things overall.

[BetrayedH]

Wow this is definitely a 180 degree turn from all the other replies. Thanks for your opinion. I almost sense some sarcasm in it. Thanks!

 

There are many that don't have much faith in reconciliation after an affair. It is honestly a very difficult road to travel. It is a very narrow path, filled with landmines on either side and even if you are successful, many would still call it a failure because a betrayed person can forgive but few ever forget. It really is a huge decision and when there is not yet a marriage and children involved, it may well be a big enough red flag to just get out. It really is your choice and if you can't see resolution to fundamental problems in your relationship, you should think long and hard about it. Marriage doesn't secure or guarantee anything. If anything, you may just take the relationship for granted.

 

In my view these days, I think just about everyone is touched by infidelity at some point and that's when the opportunity to learn arises. Prior to that happening, most of us think ourselves incapable or that our mate is incapable. I think the trick is for you to learn now so that you don't carry this pattern into your next relationship.

 

I have a lot to do tonight but here are some quick thoughts:

 

Get the book, How to help My Spouse Heal from My Affair. There are about 10 other books to read but this one is a quick and simple read and will give you a decent foundation for this. Get it tomorrow and read it tomorrow.

 

Schedule individual counseling (IC). You need to determine "why" you had this fling. This solved nothing for you. The logical, ethical, healthy, and respectful thing for you to have done if you wete unhappy would have been to either fix the relationship or leave it. You chose an illogical, unethical, unhealthy, and disrespectful route that probably violates your own standards. Why would you do that? It goes way past those surface answers you gave us about sex and so forth because again, you could have fixed those or left. This was something within you. You need to determine what it is so you can change that coping mechanism AND so that your future wife can feel that she can trust that those issues are addressed. Again, schedule this tomorrow.

 

Be COMPLETELY truthful. You have lied enough. She will be hurt, to be sure. But if she decides to try to stay and she discovers one lie about anything, you are back to square one. It is all going to be about building trust from here on out. If you refuse to discuss something or lie about it, you will teach her that you are still not trustworthy. I cannot stress this enough.

 

Also be prepared to be transparent with your life. Your whereabouts, your passwords to everything, who you are with, you name it. Your life is an open book. If she wants to have a PI track you, embrace it. Everytime she investigates and finds nothing, you win. Proactively hand over your phone. If she is nervous a out where you are, take a picture with your phone and send it to her. If she wants you to take a polygraph, sign yourself up. Speaking of this, sign up for an STD test, too.

 

As for your sexual compatibility, it does need to be addressed before you set a new wedding date. Couples counseling will be a must. Your "needs" are going to take a backseat for now but I agree with the others that it's not likely to magically improve after marriage if it was mediocre before. The test will be about what happens between you in terms of communication as a result of this. Many couples reconnect bigtime. This is why you can't just sweep this under the rug and keep it to yourself. That solves absolutely nada.

 

That's all I've got time for tonight. Keep processing and see if you can get to work on some of the things I have listed. It won't stop the pain of your betrayal but you might still be able to salvage this relationship or better yet, build a new one that is based on an authentic life and a true partnership.

Edited October 19, 2012 by BetrayedH