What Have You Learned About Yourself Since the Split?

[KatZee]

My ex boyfriend from my most serious relationship (so far) actually got in contact with me about a month ago and was showing MAJOR interest after seeing me again (we had a run in; long and irrelevant story.)

 

Point being to answer your question, he taught me that I am an incredible girlfriend (and shouldn't ever doubt that otherwise) and that I shouldn't waste my time trying to compromise my needs for someone even just remotely close to "the one." Sounds kind of conceited, but let me explain.

 

While I was with him, I did so much for him. He lied to me again and again about the stupidest things, took me for granted, twisted things around when he was at fault for something and made ME look like the bad guy... ugh, just alot of stupid things. And I dumbfoundedly went along with everything thinking he was perfect and "the one."

 

He broke up with me and blamed our constant "fighting" to be the reason why, and then came crawling back a year later once he realized he couldn't find anyone better and admitted he made many mistakes during our time together and that most of our fights could have been avoided if it weren't for him being an idiot.

 

IN SUM, I basically realized that I am great:p and that he is at a terrible loss!

 

I honestly feel like this will be my ex. I was the same as you. A wonderful girlfriend, and my ex always made me feel like the problems were all because of me, when in reality he was the one constantly lying, cheating on me, taking me for granted and taking advantage of how awesome I was for him.

 

Like you, I compromised myself and he actually had me brainwashed that I WAS the problem and I would do everything and anything in my power to try and change for him and be "better."

 

What a joke!

 

I feel like for right now, he probably thinks he can do better than me because I became a mega b.itch to him at the end and completely told him how I really felt about him.

 

But I wouldn't be surprised if he came crawling out of the rocks a year from now crying about how he f.ucked up. He already tried to date someone else and it didn't even last a month.

[KatZee]

It was basically like he just wanted me to be this boring, no personality person.

 

I honestly think he needs someone with no personality and who is incredibly demure, naive, wouldn't hurt a fly... not an actual woman that stands up for herself and is independent and knows who she is. His own personality is so weak that he can't handle it, and I think it is because of his weak personality that he seeks out more exciting people.

 

OMG this is like my ex too! The girlfriend he had before me was that type of girl. She's as dull as a pile of rocks. Basically no personality, she just stands there and looks pretty. She's not funny or quirky or witty, and she's an idiot. She doesn't stand up for herself, she just remains quiet, and turns into this passive aggressive person.

 

These traits were things he HATED about her and when he met me he was like omg you're not like my ex at all, you're smart, and witty and hilarious, and passionate, etc etc...

 

All these things that he gravitated towards because he didn't like his ex who was so bland.

 

At the end of the day, HE COULDN'T HANDLE ME!

 

When we had problems and I actually spoke up? Forget it. He would go and hide. He would refuse to talk to me. When his friends would disrespect me and talk crap about me, I would go to him and be like... so what's going to happen? Are you going to say something to them? Nope. He actually said:

 

"I hate drama. And my friends have been around much longer than you have so they're allowed to act like that. You're not allowed to say anything or be a b.itch to them because you're new to the group. You have to bend over backwards and be extra nice to all of them to get them to like you."

 

I actually FLIPPED at that point and said, WHAT FREAKING PLANET ARE YOU LIVING ON THAT YOU ALLOW YOUR FRIENDS TO BLATANTLY DISRESPECT ME AND OUR RELATIONSHIP?!

 

My personality is not to sit back and let people walk on me, but I had to become that person just so I didn't rock the boat with him! There are so many times I would have called out those b.itch girls he was friends with. Put them in their place. But I couldn't just out of respect for him. If I had acted that way? The real me? The person he said he loved and the person that he said his ex wasn't? He would have just gone off on me.

 

My ex was attracted to my personality and then when he actually had to be a part of that life, he couldn't handle it. In my opinion he's a huge p.ussy that he wouldn't and couldn't ever stand up for me. He would always roll over like a dog and allow people to behave horribly.

 

He was also a boring person. All he's into is sports. He's closeminded to anything and everything else. If I wanted to do something? Forget it. We couldn't because he wasn't interested. So if we ever did things or hung out, it was going to sports games. Ugh. I need someone who's passionate about life as well, who's down for adventures and excitement! Not a stick in the mud!

Edited October 19, 2012 by KatZee

[zebracolors]

Mostly that after 4 years of making stupid choices in fruitless distance relationships, I need to be more careful with how quick I give my heart to someone. Lesson learned. I started to do something about it though, by going out and meeting people in person.

[Hobbit]

Ive learned that I am strong, and that its ok to cry, and that I should always look before I leap....

 

I dunno

 

I'll get back to you lot in a few months on this one

[JSJS]

I realized these things...

 

1. I can sleep peacefully at night, not thinking about anything.

 

Reason : Why is she cold today? Yesterday she was so sweet... Did I do something again?

 

2. I am more relaxed.

 

Reason : She goes out with her "guy friends" way too often and most of the time 1 on 1. I have no issue with my girlfriend going out with male friends as long as I know them and they know me. The problem was...she doesn't tell me who they are, these guy friends do not know I am her boyfriend, they do not know that she's in a relationship.

 

3. I wake up in the morning, worry about myself, not worrying about what I could do that day that might "turn her off".

 

Reason : I could not be myself around her. If I try to offer help to her mother when I'm over her place, she gets turned off because "I'm too proper, I'm too polite, that she's more attracted to bad guys".If we went to a restaurant and the server makes a mistake and I said "oh, it's okay, no worries" she thinks that I'm "too nice" and it is again, a turn off.

 

4. I no longer have to feel bad about being just an option.

 

Reason : Let's say it's Monday today and I ask her to make plans with me on Friday, she will say "we'll see... I'll let you know" and then Friday her answer will either be "Oh, I'm doing something with my friends or come at around 5:00 pm, I'm just with my friends right now".

 

I realized that I was treated like sh*t, that I loved someone who never felt the same towards me and made me her doormat.

 

I realized that one day, she will realize that she f*cked up and lost an amazing guy such as myself. That one day, I'll find that amazing woman who deserves everything I can offer, the things that she never deserved.

 

Did we date the same person?

 

1-4 were true for me as well. I was called 'needy' and 'too nice' but I don't care - she treated me like crap and I know I would never put up with this again. First signs of those things she's gone!

[mishy]

1. Don't show your cards too early

2. don't act any more interested than he is

3. men prefer placid women that sit back and wait to be chased (im serious)

4. don't fall for anyone again

5. dont sleep with someone straight away

[catluvr2]

After my 2 and a half year relationship, I discovered what I'm really looking for in a future boyfriend/husband. My ex is a good guy but he wasn't adventurous and never showed his feelings (prob because of his on and off depression). Those are two things I'll def be looking in someone. Also, I'm DEF going to take things really slow in dating and not sleep with someone after just one month of dating lol.

[Love Bytes]

In just a couple days I learned a lot about myself, and my destructive character flaws. And I'm currently working on fixing them the best that I can. I've learned that I'm not as independent as I thought I was.

[dchin1985]

So I have been thinking to write down my thoughts about what I realized after break up and I found this thread. Wonderful!

 

Though i still miss her terribly and misses what we had and shared but my recent breakup feels like god just slapped on my face and asks me to wake the **** up, she has changed. 3 years of a wonderful relationship but she has changed in the last year, she is not the same person I fell in love with at the first place and maybe GIGS as well. Suddenly she gives very cold shoulder and all communication broke down, like she no longer cares anymore.

 

Well back to the points.

 

I realized that I give too much. I know I can give the world to the one I am in love to. I realize I can give so much that I can make her the luckiest in the world. when she went with family for holiday in Australia, I flew there just to show her Sydney for one day; gave her the memories and love in Sydney. I would travel 2 hrs each day to send her back home. BUT I realized I have given too much, she began to take it for granted. So my next relationship I will make sure it will be give and take, a relationship is not supposed to be a one way street anyway.

 

I realized that bad behaviour needs to be punished. Instead of spoiling her all over, and hoping that me being nice will make her love me more, I will just not put up with bad behaviour.

 

I realized that my effort wasn't appreciated. I bought her a puppy, brought her to week long overseas resort trips, bought her nice dinner and bla bla bla. Paid for everything. But where is my need, when I only needed small appreciation and affection. I used to get them, but the last year i didn't feel i get it anymore. I don't ask for much anyway.

 

I realized I need to be confident and develop myself especially social more. In simple terms, man the **** up like how I have actually always been and not let love blinded me.

 

I realized I should just focus on myself and my career. When i was in a relationship, I put so much effort into it, but I realized a girlfriend can just easily turn around especially those one with GIGS and doesn't know what they want. Only self development, self happiness and career are truly mine that i can control of.

 

I realized that one day she will wake up and realize she has lost an amazing guy, one that truly loved her, would not hurt her, would not cheat on her, would remain completely faithful to her. Someone that was always there to help eachother to grow. But that one day, I know I will meet someone who would appreciate, instead of walking out like it never mean anything.

[movingon12]

I learnt that I deserve to be happy

 

And that I can be perfectly happy on my own.

 

Also, I deserve to be with someone that treats me well, and makes me feel wanted (rather than just 'needed').

 

And finally, that I should never settle for 'good enough'.

[KatZee]

So I have been thinking to write down my thoughts about what I realized after break up and I found this thread. Wonderful!

 

Though i still miss her terribly and misses what we had and shared but my recent breakup feels like god just slapped on my face and asks me to wake the **** up, she has changed. 3 years of a wonderful relationship but she has changed in the last year, she is not the same person I fell in love with at the first place and maybe GIGS as well. Suddenly she gives very cold shoulder and all communication broke down, like she no longer cares anymore.

 

Well back to the points.

 

I realized that I give too much. I know I can give the world to the one I am in love to. I realize I can give so much that I can make her the luckiest in the world. when she went with family for holiday in Australia, I flew there just to show her Sydney for one day; gave her the memories and love in Sydney. I would travel 2 hrs each day to send her back home. BUT I realized I have given too much, she began to take it for granted. So my next relationship I will make sure it will be give and take, a relationship is not supposed to be a one way street anyway.

 

I realized that bad behaviour needs to be punished. Instead of spoiling her all over, and hoping that me being nice will make her love me more, I will just not put up with bad behaviour.

 

I realized that my effort wasn't appreciated. I bought her a puppy, brought her to week long overseas resort trips, bought her nice dinner and bla bla bla. Paid for everything. But where is my need, when I only needed small appreciation and affection. I used to get them, but the last year i didn't feel i get it anymore. I don't ask for much anyway.

 

I realized I need to be confident and develop myself especially social more. In simple terms, man the **** up like how I have actually always been and not let love blinded me.

 

I realized I should just focus on myself and my career. When i was in a relationship, I put so much effort into it, but I realized a girlfriend can just easily turn around especially those one with GIGS and doesn't know what they want. Only self development, self happiness and career are truly mine that i can control of.

 

I realized that one day she will wake up and realize she has lost an amazing guy, one that truly loved her, would not hurt her, would not cheat on her, would remain completely faithful to her. Someone that was always there to help eachother to grow. But that one day, I know I will meet someone who would appreciate, instead of walking out like it never mean anything.

 

I could have written this entire list because each of these things were things I learned about myself as well. I gave way too much to someone who was completely unappreciative of everything I had to offer. I learned that only deserving people will get this from me now.

 

I also made my life too much about him. No more. I've become more social, made new friends, and I'm doing all the things I was never able to do while with him.

 

I also gave him chance after chance with all the BS he put me through. I went back and stayed when any other person would have dumped his sorry a.ss. Bad behavior will ALWAYS be punished now.

 

I also focus on myself now instead of him. I never treated myself well, only him. No more.

 

I'm not sure if he'll ever wake up and realize what he lost. I highly doubt it as he's so self-absorbed, he'd never see that he made mistakes or that I was someone great who always respected him and never lied or cheated. I do hope karma kicks his a.ss though and he winds up with some nasty chick who completely destroys him. Maybe then one day he'll get it.

[denxnis]

(1) Always hold true to your word. Don't say something if you don't mean it.

 

(2) Set aside some free time each day/week to understand and think about what you have - this will help prevent you from taking things for granted

 

(3) Trying to change your partner's attitude/behavior will only end in failure - it may take a while for the failure to surface but it will eventually happen.

 

My favorite

 

(4) ALWAYS treat a woman with respect and admiration. If she does not deserve it politely say good bye and move on.

[IST]

Similar to what you said, I was a different person when I was with her. Less confident, lethargic, stressed out, snappish and in general an unhappy person. I love her and I was happy to do whatever with her but I realize now that I did a lot of things that I didn't enjoy just because I wanted to spend time with her and it really started to eat away at me.

 

I've learned a lot about myself and am a much happier person. I hate saying that I'm "better off" because really despite treating me poorly near the end of our relationship/post break up (Which was most likely just because she was angry and hurt in her own way) she brought a lot too my life that was quite positive and I've genuinely changed as a person from meeting her.

 

I still love her, in a way. But I'm happier in my life now than I was with her in my life.

[Amelie1980]

1. I've learned who you meet is the person they will be throughout the relationship trying to change them is unfair for both of you.
   

 

I don't agree. I've learned the person you meet is on their best behaviour. The mask slips later and you find out who they really are.

[todreaminblue]

I realized life goes on, that even when you fall apart you can move on and sew yourself back together....

i realized i am stronger than i ever thought i wasr

i realized he did damage and scars do heal

i realized that he isnt the last man ill ever care for.....

i realized i fought hard and long and that he didnt deserve what i have to give because he never truly appreciated me ....not me as a mother ..through allhis blustering he admits that he knows i do a damn good job with everything even though i struggle..... he never appreciated me outside the bedroom

i realized soem things including our relationship were not meant to last

[cavalier99]

I have learned that i am still a party animal and I'm loads of fun, i make the hottest chicks laugh and flirt with me and i can get tons of numbers but have trouble closing and getting laid the same night.

 

And that all this partying coupled with 4 tylenol is probably bad for my liver . And My fluent Spanish after living in south America for 3 years is a big plus with Latina girls. Want to learn another language but cant decide.

 

.. Having gone to UVA commerce school doesn't matter as far as picking up...having fun does help..and i still type and spell horribly especially when posting from my phone (approaching 99% percent of posts)

 

...and i still cry like once a month.

 

And i still feel drunk after last night

 

Will look for deeper meaning.. self analysis when sober. Cavalier

Edited December 21, 2012 by cavalier99

[KatZee]

Cavalier you need a time out, lmao.