What Have You Learned About Yourself Since the Split?

[KatZee]

So I was sitting at work yesterday just pondering my life and I realized a few things. Despite still missing my ex on the rare occasion, I realize that I'm MUCH better off without him.

 

And not for the most obvious of reasons; him being a cheater, a liar, using me as a rebound, making a fool of me, allowing his friends to disrespect me, talking s.hit about me to his ex... those are the most basic reasons of why I'm better off without him.

 

But the deeper reasons... when I was with my ex, I was always insecure. I had no confidence. I basically had no idea who I was. I was shy and withdrawn around his friends because no matter how hard I had tried to be nice and to get them to like me, they were horrible. I wasn't free to be myself. I was not me, but someone who always tried to be something else for other people. I tried to be what my ex wanted, not who I was.

 

It's 4+ month being single now. All my quirks have come back out. The funny me is back. My mother always tells me I should be a stand up comedian. I just have that natural knack to make people laugh. I do that pretty much wherever I go now! I love seeing people laugh because of me.

 

I'm more outgoing! I didn't even realize how much of my issue wasn't really me, but how I was acting because of the ex. I couldn't do/say things without fear of setting him off, so I just completely shut down. Now I talk to people wherever I go with no issues! I used to think there was something wrong with me. When my ex called me "anti-social" and "weird around everyone" ... no I was just scared to be myself. When he would tell me that he didn't "like my behavior" I just completely stopped being me.

 

I lacked enthusiasm for life! I have done so much with myself in these 4 months. Reconnecting with people, new experiences, new friends. I'm just so EXCITED about my life these days! Every weekend I now have plans, and there are people asking me to hang out and I have to say, "No sorry. I'm busy!" Where as before my entire life revolved around my ex, making him happy, conforming to his stupid "rules" and how he "expected me to act" in public.

 

I never realized until yesterday just how much of myself my ex had killed.

[PennGuy]

I have learned that sometimes I can be very selfish and put my needs first.

I've learned that guys like that take on a job, the majority of expenses, cook, clean, and wait on their partner hand and foot are pretty rare.

I have learned that I have amazing friends and family.

I've learned that laughter is a great medicine.

I have learned that a lot of people are sympathetic to my situation and know exactly how I feel because they have been there.

I've learned that relationships are a lot of work and after having talks about things needing to change and I seemed like the only one who was trying, is nothing but delaying the inevitable.

[blue_jay_bird]

My Ex is really not that good of a guy.

 

I am a very good person. I'm emotionally intelligent. Mature. He put all the blame on me at the end of the relationship.

 

I also learned, i'm not independent. But i am humble enough to recognize my faults. AND to recognize i have A LOT to offer in a relationship. That it's not my fault he can't recognize this.

 

I AM- loving, understanding, caring, humble, loyal, funny, and so forth.

 

HE IS- critical, close minded, and unable to express his emotions.

 

We do not work well together.

 

[Tally123]

I think I have learnt that I am a very stubborn person and also stronger than I thought. My last break up has taught me that I really know what I want from a guy, and that its empowering to walk away from something that you know is no good for you, no matter how hard!

[KatZee]

2. I'm oddly unscathed, not detached, but I'm not taking this "failure" personally. Again, this is new. With all the relationships I've had over the past 28-29 years...both long and short... there was always a sense of "if I'd just done x...". I did everything I could do, it just didn't work.

 

I can relate with this one. I know with my ex, I did everything I possibly could to make things work. I gave 1,000% of myself to that relationship. In past relationships I had the mentality of "If only..." or "I should have..." or "If I would have..."

 

With this one, I wiped my hands and walked away. I have no regrets with anything I've done regarding the past relationship. I know I can put my head down at night on the pillow with no guilt, no regret.

[SoConfusedAndInShock]

My Ex is really not that good of a guy.

 

I am a very good person. I'm emotionally intelligent. Mature. He put all the blame on me at the end of the relationship.

 

I also learned, i'm not independent. But i am humble enough to recognize my faults. AND to recognize i have A LOT to offer in a relationship. That it's not my fault he can't recognize this.

 

I AM- loving, understanding, caring, humble, loyal, funny, and so forth.

 

HE IS- critical, close minded, and unable to express his emotions.

 

We do not work well together.

 

 

Story of my life...you couldn't have said it any better!

[Sav]

I've learnt that I need to be better at expressing my emotions and voice out my thoughts. I've also learnt that I've forgotten how to be single XD and had some trouble going back to the "single" life.

 

Most importantly, I've learnt no one is worth beating myself over and everyone has their own faults. I accepted hers and if she doesnt accept mine, someone else will and hell yea that will be my freaking wife!

[JayL]

What I realized after our break up?

 

My relationship was basically walking on egg shells in its last several weeks.

 

While it is a fact that I terribly miss her and I still wake up in the middle of the night missing her, I realized these things...

 

1. I can sleep peacefully at night, not thinking about anything.

 

Reason : Why is she cold today? Yesterday she was so sweet... Did I do something again?

 

2. I am more relaxed.

 

Reason : She goes out with her "guy friends" way too often and most of the time 1 on 1. I have no issue with my girlfriend going out with male friends as long as I know them and they know me. The problem was...she doesn't tell me who they are, these guy friends do not know I am her boyfriend, they do not know that she's in a relationship.

 

3. I wake up in the morning, worry about myself, not worrying about what I could do that day that might "turn her off".

 

Reason : I could not be myself around her. If I try to offer help to her mother when I'm over her place, she gets turned off because "I'm too proper, I'm too polite, that she's more attracted to bad guys".If we went to a restaurant and the server makes a mistake and I said "oh, it's okay, no worries" she thinks that I'm "too nice" and it is again, a turn off.

 

4. I no longer have to feel bad about being just an option.

 

Reason : Let's say it's Monday today and I ask her to make plans with me on Friday, she will say "we'll see... I'll let you know" and then Friday her answer will either be "Oh, I'm doing something with my friends or come at around 5:00 pm, I'm just with my friends right now".

 

Since our break up, I gained my confidence back, I regained my sense of self-worth, I started focusing on "ME", I started working out more than I used to, I started the courses that I need to take to get my professional designation title, I started buying more clothes, I started spending more time with friends and started to meet more people.

 

I realized that I was treated like sh*t, that I loved someone who never felt the same towards me and made me her doormat. That next time, I'll put myself first and not depend on a woman to "complete" me. That next time, I'll be with a woman who will "compliment" me. To NEVER make a woman a huge chunk of my world again until she proved herself worthy, to take my time and really distance myself while getting to know her well before letting myself get attached. I realized that I am never letting myself get treated like a worthless piece of crap again like she did.

 

I realized that one day, she will realize that she f*cked up and lost an amazing guy such as myself. That one day, I'll find that amazing woman who deserves everything I can offer, the things that she never deserved.

Edited October 18, 2012 by JayL

[Tree_Salmon]

I've learned so many great things that there's too much to list here.

 

Most of it came from being alone and dealing with the pain.

[fucpcg]

I have learned that sometimes I can be very selfish and put my needs first.

I've learned that guys like that take on a job, the majority of expenses, cook, clean, and wait on their partner hand and foot are pretty rare.

I have learned that I have amazing friends and family.

I've learned that laughter is a great medicine.

I have learned that a lot of people are sympathetic to my situation and know exactly how I feel because they have been there.

I've learned that relationships are a lot of work and after having talks about things needing to change and I seemed like the only one who was trying, is nothing but delaying the inevitable.

 

^ well said. I'd add that I've learned I have way more skeletons in my closet than I knew I had. I also learned that no matter what, I do and always wish to see myself for who I am, so that I can grow as a person, and be the man I always aspired I would be. I also know listing what I my ex got wrong does not help accomplish that goal.

[21flames]

I Give a lot in a relationship to make the person I love feel happy, appreciated and wanted.

 

I am Aware of my faults and the other person's and will talk openly about both making an effort to change certain things and do different things to stop routine and bordem.

 

I'm spontaneous in a relationship.

 

I listen, genuinely care and give advise and reassurance to my partners issues other than ours.

 

I try to work through problems/ not walk

 

All this I already knew but what I'm only just realizing now is that non of this was reciprocated and I gave far too many chances to a person who didn't deserve them or deserve me.

 

I'm no way near completely over her and what she has done to me and make me feel but being able to look logically at her part in our relationship and her as a person is really helping me.

 

Also reading other peoples experiences and advise on here really helps you pull your head out your ass when you are still putting that person on a pedestal.

[Drseussgrrl]

I've learned not to date someone who is perfectly fine with maintaining an ambiguous status for the foreseeable future, hoping he'll change his mind.

 

I've learned that I can't carry on a casual sex relationship if I really like the guy.

 

I've learned that it's ok to develop feelings for someone I care a lot about, and not to perceive it was weak (I'm human, not a robot), and not to feel guilty about it, but just more choosy about whom I give my heart to. Rather than feel stupid, I feel that I've learned something and to treat myself with care.

 

I've learned that men are pretty honest through both word and action about what you can expect from them in the future, and you should listen every time.

 

Great thread.

[ParadeRain]

No matter how caring, loving, sincere and beautiful a girl can appear to be...

 

That's just a front for building a relationship, and they all have the ability to become cold, heartless and crush your world.

 

Us men are who we are, we are the same from the beginning to the end... I think girls can be whoever they want to be, when you fall asleep next to her at night.. she can wake up the next morning completely different.

 

What did I learn? TO NEVER! LET MY GUARD DOWN AGAIN.

[PlanB123]

that being in a relationship is time consuming and has distracted me from my goals. i would probably be further along in what i want to achieve if i hadn't been in that recent relationship.

 

i now will try to remain single for a few years until i have got where i want to be.

[cypher32]

1. I've learned who you meet is the person they will be throughout the relationship trying to change them is unfair for both of you.
   
2. I have flaws, we all do, but I won't beat myself up for them, I still think that being in love is being able to look past those flaws.
   
3. I will never compromise what I want for someone else ever again.
   
4. (If your a man) Saying your "sorry" just to end a fight might work as a short term fix but if you don't believe your wrong don't say it. It eats away your relationship like a virus and will end with her losing her respect for you
   
5. This last one kinda coincides with the previous one "A woman will forgive a man for being a man, she will never for give him for being a p*ssy"
   

[JustALittleBit]

I have become much more confident again, I spent the relationship following his lead, thinking he knew more about things than I did and must be right, at the beginning I thought he was the best, so whenever things went bad I blamed myself, if he didn't like something I'd said or done I took it as me being a horrible person and if I could only be more like this or that...

 

I think the best thing that could have happened was the complete turn around at the end. When I realised that HE was immature, HE was not dealing with things, HE was the one who caused our communication issues etc. etc.

 

After that came out, I realised I am awesome. I realised I shouldn't have to feel bad for my sense of humour, everyone else likes it. I realised that I'm not really insecure, it was just because of him.

 

On a deeper level:

- I learnt that relationships are distracting (as someone else said)

- I learnt that I need more excitement than the day-to-day, not going anywhere life. I want to do new things and be with someone passionate about life

- I learnt to trust myself

- This one is hard for me to say because I am still having difficulty shutting the door on him in my mind, but I learnt that I need a man who has values, is loyal and kind. I don't want to be wondering if his relationship with another girl could be a threat, I want HIM to have the awareness that if it were a threat he will put an end to it. Basically I just need someone more mature and stronger (and better) than my ex. So the point of this one is that I learnt what I value in a person and unfortunately it's not him.

[KatZee]

Us men are who we are, we are the same from the beginning to the end... I think girls can be whoever they want to be, when you fall asleep next to her at night.. she can wake up the next morning completely different.

 

What did I learn? TO NEVER! LET MY GUARD DOWN AGAIN.

 

Yeah, no. I'm sorry but I completely disagree. Males pull this same s.hit. My ex most certainly did and he did the same thing the girl did to you. Became cold, crushed my world, blah blah blah.

 

This is NOT designated to only females. And my ex most certainly wasn't the same from beginning to end. That's the biggest joke on the planet to think that.

[KatZee]

I have become much more confident again, I spent the relationship following his lead, thinking he knew more about things than I did and must be right, at the beginning I thought he was the best, so whenever things went bad I blamed myself, if he didn't like something I'd said or done I took it as me being a horrible person and if I could only be more like this or that...

 

I think the best thing that could have happened was the complete turn around at the end. When I realised that HE was immature, HE was not dealing with things, HE was the one who caused our communication issues etc. etc.

 

After that came out, I realised I am awesome. I realised I shouldn't have to feel bad for my sense of humour, everyone else likes it. I realised that I'm not really insecure, it was just because of him.

 

On a deeper level:

- I learnt that relationships are distracting (as someone else said)

- I learnt that I need more excitement than the day-to-day, not going anywhere life. I want to do new things and be with someone passionate about life

- I learnt to trust myself

- This one is hard for me to say because I am still having difficulty shutting the door on him in my mind, but I learnt that I need a man who has values, is loyal and kind. I don't want to be wondering if his relationship with another girl could be a threat, I want HIM to have the awareness that if it were a threat he will put an end to it. Basically I just need someone more mature and stronger (and better) than my ex. So the point of this one is that I learnt what I value in a person and unfortunately it's not him.

 

You sound very much like myself, and seem to have learned the exact same things I learned!

 

Especially about finding a guy who is loyal and kind.

[esstea]

My ex boyfriend from my most serious relationship (so far) actually got in contact with me about a month ago and was showing MAJOR interest after seeing me again (we had a run in; long and irrelevant story.)

 

Point being to answer your question, he taught me that I am an incredible girlfriend (and shouldn't ever doubt that otherwise) and that I shouldn't waste my time trying to compromise my needs for someone even just remotely close to "the one." Sounds kind of conceited, but let me explain.

 

While I was with him, I did so much for him. He lied to me again and again about the stupidest things, took me for granted, twisted things around when he was at fault for something and made ME look like the bad guy... ugh, just alot of stupid things. And I dumbfoundedly went along with everything thinking he was perfect and "the one."

 

He broke up with me and blamed our constant "fighting" to be the reason why, and then came crawling back a year later once he realized he couldn't find anyone better and admitted he made many mistakes during our time together and that most of our fights could have been avoided if it weren't for him being an idiot.

 

IN SUM, I basically realized that I am great:p and that he is at a terrible loss!

[carhill]

I learned that I like life just as it is. Each breath of air is a joy, each friend loved is a gift. Yep, there will be challenges, there will be failures but, man, it's a great journey and I don't mind at all taking it alone.

 

That was the lesson of death and divorce..

[mtnbiker]

I have learned that although my most recent ex didn't want to advance further with me that it was not all about me. She was up and down and still learning what she wanted. At the same time, I learned an even more valuable lesson: I need to better myself in some ways in order to love myself and in turn attract a better person. In that light, I quit two long time habits; smoking and fingernail biting. Just these two feats have made me feel amazing!!! On top of this I got back into the gym hard and have nailed my last 6 weeks in grad school. I also finally decided to engage in professional help to talk out my issues and seek and find helpful resolutions, which helped lead me to ending my worst habits and my self defeatist attitude. I am already such a better man and getting better by the day. My next "one" will not only be a better woman, but she will discover a much better man. I am infinitely grateful to my most recent ex for finally lighting a spark under my a**!!!!

[Sugarkane]

Yeah, no. I'm sorry but I completely disagree. Males pull this same s.hit. My ex most certainly did and he did the same thing the girl did to you. Became cold, crushed my world, blah blah blah.

 

This is NOT designated to only females. And my ex most certainly wasn't the same from beginning to end. That's the biggest joke on the planet to think that.

 

I was going to type The same thing!

[JustALittleBit]

You sound very much like myself, and seem to have learned the exact same things I learned!

 

Especially about finding a guy who is loyal and kind.

 

Ha, I initially quoted some of your stuff then thought I should write my own, but I thought that too! Especially the feeling bad and humour... re: the humour, I remember fairly early on we were hanging out and I was poking fun at him/just teasing, and he basically just turned it around like I was a b!tch. And it was this realisation like ok, guess you can't laugh at yourself at all... and right from then on I felt like I couldn't be myself. (Note I never do "mean" teasing, never about physical things or anything).

 

That event also only happened after he said he just wanted me to be myself, and when I was and stopped watching myself around him, suddenly it was like no... that was no good.

 

He also said he thought my humour was mean, ie. say I use dry humour, wit... that's all very much up my alley and it isn't "mean". It is never intended that way and the only issues I've ever had having that sense of humour has been in other cultures where they might not appreciate it so much (eg. Americans don't seem to take well to it).

 

It was basically like he just wanted me to be this boring, no personality person. And it's funny because RIGHT at the end he actually said he liked that we could joke together, and I was like are you kidding?? He never made me laugh either and I just figured I could compensate on that.

 

And yet despite not taking well to me and always making me feel bad about being me, he acted like he liked those qualities. I honestly think he needs someone with no personality and who is incredibly demure, naive, wouldn't hurt a fly... not an actual woman that stands up for herself and is independent and knows who she is. His own personality is so weak that he can't handle it, and I think it is because of his weak personality that he seeks out more exciting people.

 

Man, anyway I just used this as my venting board, but point is - a relationship where you don't even laugh together??? Horrible

 

P.S. Just thought I'd add, I did tell him a lot he had no sense of humour... which he didn't seem to appreciate. Makes me feel good now though!

Edited October 19, 2012 by JustALittleBit

[JustALittleBit]

Actually this is an example I just found online (yes I am bored!) from someone who went on a date:

 

Another guy corrected me to say that it was not funny to suggest I'd stuff my recently deceased cat to use as a door stop (it was a JOKE -- and it was FUNNY but you had to be there)....so that date ended early.

 

See I read that and I'm like argh, because to me that is like lighten up jeeeez.

[melenkurion]

One thing I learned that there are certain weaknesses I have that make me let my guard down and ignore any red flags that show incompatibility. I honestly didn't realise that I'd done that. If I found someone physically attractive, in the past I put up with all sorts of cr&p I'd never let anyone else get away with. It had happened with an ex, but there was a very needy friend who I let get away with all sorts because I found him so hot. That was what made me realise the ridiculousness of my behaviour. No more. If something is unacceptable, it doesn't matter how hot I think they are.

 

Not something I am proud of, but at least I know now and can adjust accordingly.