Perpetually Learning Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Any insight would be great, I'm always looking for an outsider's perspective. Hello all, My ex and I broke up yesterday. I feel a bit... disconnected. I have a heavy heart and am jumping around through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), yet somehow I don't feel like I'm letting myself fall into a bottomless pit of despair. I'm not sure if this is a good thing, as I'm not sure if I'm suppressing my feelings somewhat or if I'm using emotional discipline like I'm telling myself I am. This process is incredibly exhausting. I'm 20, I was with my first love for four years till the end of high school, that was 2.5 years ago. That break up was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through; it was nothing short of agonizing for at least a year. With that being said, I don't think I've fully moved on from that even though I have dated a couple of girls since. I have a lot of fear and horrible trust issues which is why my most recent relationship ended. I (subconsciously) put up a lot of barriers. I had been seeing this girl since late May/June, and we had a few "we should stop talking for a while" breaks that never lasted long, initiated at times by her and at times by me, though most recently by her. I do not think this is another one of those times, and that's probably due to the fact that deep down I don't want to be with her and am getting tired of this game. I think I became attached and liked her for all the wrong reasons—I just wanted to feel loved. She was giving me attention and gave me a bit of an ego boost for a while and this made me feel good. Frankly we are irreconcilably different and not compatible by nature, I was aware of this since the very beginning. However, I can't help but feel heavily disheartened. Somehow I'm pretty positive that at my core it's mostly my ego that's hurt and a lot of this pain is fear of abandonment, trust issues, etc. coming back up from my past but that still doesn't make the pain anymore bearable. I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor (kept it to myself for a decade), I come from a very mentally abusive upbringing and I have had self-esteem, trust, and attachment issues for as long as I can remember. My first love was the first person in my life I completely "let in" and coming from a dysfunctional background herself, as well as suffering from untreated bipolar disorder, she was at times very hurtful, unpredictable and disloyal which left me with deep feelings of betrayal, inadequacy and again, trust issues. I don't know how to let people love me, I don't know how to let people in, and most of all, I don't know how to trust people. There's always doubts in the back of my head and I'm incredibly skeptical of people and their intentions and this keeps me from enjoying getting close to anyone; it's more daunting than anything else. (Though not getting close to people makes me feel empty and alone, so I lose either way.) Despite the fact that I feel I completely understand this breakup and the situation in general and I don't particularly feel angry at her or like she's done something to "do me wrong", I can't help but feel that this just reinforces my fears and trust issues. When we first started getting close, I voiced my concerns about our compatibility (nothing against her, we're just unbelievably different in the way we think, what we want, how we view life/the world, etc) and let her know that I have a lot of personal issues that I'm still working on and will take time and that I am not an easy person to be with. She seemed very understanding, patient, and even seemed to have a desire to help me overcome my fear of, well, people. This made me trust her a little bit more and even though it was a slow process, my walls were slowly but surely coming down. I guess it wasn't enough, or maybe she wasn't noticing the slow progress, but it seems she got tired of my fear and trust issues. This does bring me feelings of betrayal and more fears of trusting people since I was honest with her about me, my past, my personal problems, she seemed to understand and be okay with it all and then she simply left when she got tired of it. It brings back that old feeling of worthlessness, or like I'm somehow inherently inadequate. Any advice or reassuring words would be greatly appreciated
Exit Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I probably can't offer too much advice because I feel that I am paddling right along side you in the same boat. I have dealt with many of the same issues. The worst thing about trust issues, is that they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you doubt people and end up being overly cautious in your relationships, you put up walls, it causes unnecessary tension, and eventually the relationship ends, and take it as more evidence that we were right and say "ah-hah, I knew it!". I hate to spew the typical rhetoric, but have you sought counseling? Especially considering the abuse in your past. I sometimes wonder if something bad happened to me and I've blocked out the memory, because I cannot figure out how exactly I turned out this way, but I certainly have the same issues. My main plan of attack has been to accept how much I need to fix about myself, and I have not dated in the 11 months that I've been single so far. I just know the patterns would repeat themselves. Maybe you just need to step back and be single for a while and get to know yourself. I know what you mean that it's lose lose either way because it's lonely to be single. Not to add to your paranoia but frankly I think it's understandable to not trust easily in today's dating environment. I just spoke to a friend who I've been out of touch with for a few months and asked if he was still with the same girl, and found out she left him for a mutual friend of theirs. This kind of crap happens all too often. Nobody seems loyal anymore. It's hard to draw the line between being careful and keeping people at a safe distance, and being too paranoid and just ruining your relationships anyway.
CopingGal Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 (edited) Well with my ex I trusted him a lot more than I should have, although I didn't trust him 100%. I cut him a lot of slack because I'm naturally suspicious and I wanted to give him a break. He repaid me back by constantly lying to me, cheating on me, and trying to force me to be his friend after I left him whether I wanted that or not. So there you go. I suggest that when you start a relationship again, write things down. Write down things that happen. Write down your feelings about them. Write about your date and how your partner made you feel on your date. You can take a good look at the behavior of your partner when it's on paper and make decisions about whether or not to trust. Edited October 19, 2012 by CopingGal
Author Perpetually Learning Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 I probably can't offer too much advice because I feel that I am paddling right along side you in the same boat. I have dealt with many of the same issues. The worst thing about trust issues, is that they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you doubt people and end up being overly cautious in your relationships, you put up walls, it causes unnecessary tension, and eventually the relationship ends, and take it as more evidence that we were right and say "ah-hah, I knew it!". I hate to spew the typical rhetoric, but have you sought counseling? Especially considering the abuse in your past. I sometimes wonder if something bad happened to me and I've blocked out the memory, because I cannot figure out how exactly I turned out this way, but I certainly have the same issues. My main plan of attack has been to accept how much I need to fix about myself, and I have not dated in the 11 months that I've been single so far. I just know the patterns would repeat themselves. Maybe you just need to step back and be single for a while and get to know yourself. I know what you mean that it's lose lose either way because it's lonely to be single. Not to add to your paranoia but frankly I think it's understandable to not trust easily in today's dating environment. I just spoke to a friend who I've been out of touch with for a few months and asked if he was still with the same girl, and found out she left him for a mutual friend of theirs. This kind of crap happens all too often. Nobody seems loyal anymore. It's hard to draw the line between being careful and keeping people at a safe distance, and being too paranoid and just ruining your relationships anyway. Thanks for the reply, it always helps to know someone else is out there dealing with similar issues. I am currently in therapy. I have been all year but due to money I don't see him as often as I'd like. I've also been having a hard time opening up in therapy (yeah, I guess it's that bad). Thankfully though I'm realizing all of this. Step one is admitting your problem, right? I think all of these realizations will make therapy much more doable. As for the self-fulfilling prophecies, you're 100% right. I actually first started realizing I do this within the past few months, but I guess I wasn't sure if it was really an issue. I feel like I have a very hard time differentiating between, say, being too paranoid and simply being cautious. Obviously when you have these issues, your assumptions and fears seem completely logical so how do I know when it's just all in my head? Ugh, so complicated. Well with my ex I trusted him a lot more than I should have, although I didn't trust him 100%. I cut him a lot of slack because I'm naturally suspicious and I wanted to give him a break. He repaid me back by constantly lying to me, cheating on me, and trying to force me to be his friend after I left him whether I wanted that or not. So there you go. I suggest that when you start a relationship again, write things down. Write down things that happen. Write down your feelings about them. Write about your date and how your partner made you feel on your date. You can take a good look at the behavior of your partner when it's on paper and make decisions about whether or not to trust. Amazing suggestion, thank you very much. That sounds like a much more practical way of monitoring your thoughts than just introspecting and jumping from stance to stance like I do, which seems to almost always drive me crazy.
Recommended Posts