firstandlast Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Most books about affairs are, understandably, focus on the betrayed spouse. Are there any good books about getting over the affair partner? Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Search baggage reclaim. It's geared towards women, but it applies to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 After The Affair Torn Assunder (If I recall correctly there was advice on how to get over an affair partner and/or some discussion about it) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Most books about affairs are, understandably, focus on the betrayed spouse. Are there any good books about getting over the affair partner? Ultimately what works the best is absolute NC. No phone, text, email, no nothing. Not even reading old emails or looking at old photos. Absolute hermetic NC is the fastest way to recovery. Contact can be as subtle as knowing he or she is online when you are online. Any time you make contact, you feel better for a short time, but in the end you just prolong the agony. The relief is short lived, not worth it. You may also want to use that old trusty mechanism we all need to justify our decisions-------------rationalization. At the onset you probably idealized AP. Now it is time to demonize AP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 "How to Break your Addiction to a Person" "Smart Women/Foolish Choices" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 More in general, Why Good People Have Affairs". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstandlast Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 I ended up buying "When Good People Have Affairs" and "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person." Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 "How to Break your Addiction to a Person" "Smart Women/Foolish Choices" I started reading "how to break your addiction to a person" then I realized it didn't apply to my current relationship. I don't have an addiction, I have a strong deep passionate love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstandlast Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 I started reading "how to break your addiction to a person" then I realized it didn't apply to my current relationship. I don't have an addiction, I have a strong deep passionate love. In my case, it might be an addiction. It has no future, is bringing me pain and driving me insane. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstandlast Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) This book coddles the cheater and justifies affairs. I think it takes a non-judgmental approach to helping the OP think through the affair and make a decision -- not to continue the deception. Most OP, if they're normal human beings, already know that the affair is wrong and feel guilty about it. Edited October 25, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I started reading "how to break your addiction to a person" then I realized it didn't apply to my current relationship. I don't have an addiction, I have a strong deep passionate love. I've never read it, it just seemed like a good book for women in painful relationships. The title seemed to imply that. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass also looks at affairs from all three sides of the triangle--so it's very comprehensive, and insightful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I've never read it, it just seemed like a good book for women in painful relationships. The title seemed to imply that. You may be right, I guess if your in that sort of relationship or if your unhappy with the relationship then give it a try. It covers all different types of situations where the relationship is unhealthy or you want to end things. Again, maybe it's just meant for my type of situation. I'm not unhappy with the way my life is right now, however I'm not saying it can't change at any given moment but at this moment it's perfect! Well at least it's perfect for me. Link to post Share on other sites
FelicityShot Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 Ultimately what works the best is absolute NC. No phone, text, email, no nothing. Not even reading old emails or looking at old photos. Absolute hermetic NC is the fastest way to recovery. Contact can be as subtle as knowing he or she is online when you are online. Any time you make contact, you feel better for a short time, but in the end you just prolong the agony. The relief is short lived, not worth it. You may also want to use that old trusty mechanism we all need to justify our decisions-------------rationalization. At the onset you probably idealized AP. Now it is time to demonize AP. This is pretty much Carl Jung's beginner's guide to suppression. So right after, go into intensive CBT, counselling, and perhaps wierd and wacky ways of stilling the hell you will unleash by 'hiding' and 'demonizing'. No sorry, the storm will likely come years later. Good luck with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 not to be rude or anything, but is this the first relationship you've ever had that ended? had that ended? If not, how did you handle a break up in the past? why won't those same methods work now? Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I think it takes a non-judgmental approach to helping the OP think through the affair and make a decision -- not to continue the deception. Most OP, if they're normal human beings, already know that the affair is wrong and feel guilty about it. "Non-judgmental" is seen as "coddling the cheater" by many. If you're not pouring acid on an unfaithful spouse or their affair partner, you're seen as "enabling" by such members. I found "When Good People Have Affairs" to be very helpful in resolving my affair and understanding why and how it happened. Along with a skilled counsellor it helped me achieve sustainable resolution. My solution was different to yours - I left my marriage and am now happily married to my former affair partner - but I think the issues are the same if the resolution is to be thoroughgoing enough to last. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstandlast Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 not to be rude or anything, but is this the first relationship you've ever had that ended? had that ended? If not, how did you handle a break up in the past? why won't those same methods work now? I've never had a relationship this intense. I've never gone this crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I've never had a relationship this intense. I've never gone this crazy. why are you assigning so much to it? ( not saying you're wrong to, just asking the question "why")... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 I've never had a relationship this intense. I've never gone this crazy. Crazy and intense...like an addiction? Even knowing it is wrong for you and going nowhere and ultimately painful? Like great highs and great lows...also like an addiction? Reading books help,counseling helps, but with all addictions...the first step is cold turkey complete abstinence. In affairs, abstinence = NC! It's the very first step towards regaining your sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstandlast Posted October 25, 2012 Author Share Posted October 25, 2012 why are you assigning so much to it? ( not saying you're wrong to, just asking the question "why")... I honestly don't know. I guess I ascribed a significance to the relationship that she didn't. Maybe it's stupid and immature, but I thought we would end up together permanently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstandlast Posted October 25, 2012 Author Share Posted October 25, 2012 Crazy and intense...like an addiction? Even knowing it is wrong for you and going nowhere and ultimately painful? Like great highs and great lows...also like an addiction? Reading books help,counseling helps, but with all addictions...the first step is cold turkey complete abstinence. In affairs, abstinence = NC! It's the very first step towards regaining your sanity. I know. I told her to leave me alone and added a few choice words to piss her off just enough to do it. So far so good. I'm also starting IC in Nov. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 first - while I don't think any one book is the answer, "Why Good People" helped me look at why my MP may be in an affair and why I, starting off as a MOW, was in an affair. It didn't provide me all the answers but it did give me some insight. I agree that "Not Just Friends" is a good book in parts as the SOP as it helps you work on your boundaries. There are other parts to the book that are more geared to the married person but it is still interesting reading. I think any relationship that doesn't end with the end result the way you want, and/or making you happy, is worth deep diving to figure out your why's. I think what is helpful is to figure out if things were causing you anxiety, unhappiness and stress, deep diving those areas and figuring out why you did not heed those warnings and what patterns you will change for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstandlast Posted October 25, 2012 Author Share Posted October 25, 2012 first - while I don't think any one book is the answer, "Why Good People" helped me look at why my MP may be in an affair and why I, starting off as a MOW, was in an affair. It didn't provide me all the answers but it did give me some insight. I agree that "Not Just Friends" is a good book in parts as the SOP as it helps you work on your boundaries. There are other parts to the book that are more geared to the married person but it is still interesting reading. I think any relationship that doesn't end with the end result the way you want, and/or making you happy, is worth deep diving to figure out your why's. I think what is helpful is to figure out if things were causing you anxiety, unhappiness and stress, deep diving those areas and figuring out why you did not heed those warnings and what patterns you will change for the future. Thanks. I am working though "When Good People" now. It has been extremely helpful in helping me understand the affair -- not just from my side but the OW's, too. I had so many red flags, but I wanted it so badly that I ignored them -- and I was so ready to throw away a loving family in the process. My marriage may still end after working through this, but at least I'll have a better understanding of why I did what I did and feel what I feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nikkin09 Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Most books about affairs are, understandably, focus on the betrayed spouse. Are there any good books about getting over the affair partner? The Bible..... Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Thanks. I am working though "When Good People" now. It has been extremely helpful in helping me understand the affair -- not just from my side but the OW's, too. I had so many red flags, but I wanted it so badly that I ignored them -- and I was so ready to throw away a loving family in the process. My marriage may still end after working through this, but at least I'll have a better understanding of why I did what I did and feel what I feel. And this is key. We can only evolve when we learn from our past patterns and decide if they are one's we want to continue to repeat or we want to change. I think really digging deep on why you ignored the red flags, what you were getting out of it, what you will do differently in the future, etc are all key. I think really looking at why you wanted it and if it was because of needs that you feel are reasonable and just or because of some other reason that you kept pushing ahead. What was it doing for you? I am sorry to hear that you are in such a tumultuous stage right now. I know it is hard but as they say, we do not learn from our successes but from our mistakes. Keep pushing forward, keep trying to reconciling your reasonings, and things may not be lost yet. The best approach is what you are doing now, working on yourself. If you are trying to reconcile with your wife, she will see that. It doesn't mean things won't end but that also doesn't mean there is no future between you two. Many people will get remarried again. And if you two don't, understanding yourself better is key for any future relationships. I have found IC to be very helpful for myself. It is a great sounding board as well as reading different books. (((((first))))) Sorry for your struggles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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