debber01 Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 First of all, it's not set up as a legal separation. It's set up as a divorce. He said legal separation. He also said he's keeping the house forever (in the papers, he will pay for 18 months), said he'd pay for me to go back to school so I could have a career rather than a job (not in the papers). Everything that he said he would do is an outright lie! Don't get me wrong. I know I need to get back out there and get some kind of job. Some type of decent paying job. But I worked for him, in his business, for years. I truly have no marketable job skills. At 49. But I don't have those skills because I was always working for the business. Wow. I mean wow. Do they ALL lie like this? Have a friend going through exactly the same thing. Same situation. And she was lied to for 7 months about what was going to happen. After 25 years, why does everything have to be lies? Why?
Gunny376 Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 You have marketable skills. What you don't have is documented, creditied, "degreeded" ya~da ~ yada. All of which is overrated any way. There are plenty of folks out there (here) with college degrees that are working jobs that they could have gotten wihtout having gone to college. You have office management skills, telephone skills, customer service skills, bookeeping skills, computer skills, data entry skills, sales skills, tax skills, any and everything that one would need in a individual to run a small buiness. Which by the way? Small businesses are the No. #1 source of employment. With over twenty - five years doing such ~ you sound as though you would be the perfect "one-man" operation ~ front office person for some small business. It sounds as though you could literally just walk right in and pick things up ~ even improve them. With that you need to come up with a way to market those skills. And to market yourself. The Number # 1 way of getting a job ISN'T through apply through the state employment office, nor through "Temp" agencies, nor is it through the internet, nor is it through the newspaper, nor is it through sending out a million ~ zillion blind resumes' . Nor is it through job fairs. The Number # 1 of finding a job ~ 70 to 80 % of any and all jobs is through Networking. Its not so much what you know, but more a functino of who you know ~ and all the more important who you know that knows someone ~ that knows someone ~ that knows someone. (Get the idea?) In the job that I had before the one that I've got now? There was Mr. Mc who was the top guy in our department. Then there was his son, his daughter, his grandson, his grandson's GF, his grand niece, his niece's husband, the step-daughter of the Plant Manager, a high school friend of the VP of operations, the son of the accounting manager's best friend from college. :sick: Now is the time to get on the phone and get out and about and in the face of anyone and everyone that you've ever known and made contact with over the course of your life. Especially the 25 years you worked for the STBX. What you need right now isn't so much a career as a freaking job. First things first. Preferablly with benefits ~ especially medical. I wouldn't worry too much about the divorce papers right now. That's just the first salvo ~ the first round to see if you're just going to 'lay down' and accept his BS! In my divorce papers the XHEX "wavied" any and all rights to my military retirement ~ which at the time in the State of Alabama she wasn't entitled to begin with. But her attorney was just trying to bufflo me with it. I signed them ~ took it in the shorts for the benefit of the DD (Then age 10) and DS (Then age 6) In short I took on everything burdesome about our divorce as I could for the benefit of the my children. She couldn't believe that I laid down so easily. Thought I was a sap, but I knew exactally what I was doing. I did it for my chldren ~ not her. Had it just been her and I? I wouldn't have been pretty and it wouldn't have been fun. My advice to you would be to look at going to a Community College first. At age 48 you simply don't have the years to waste going to a four year college. The first two years are total BS anyway. Go to the employment office. There are programs and grants that you may qualify for...... that will pay for you to go to a program. A quick fast down and dirty is Truck Driving. I know, I know,....................but here in Alabama you can go to the State Employment Office, and if you qualiy they will pay $6000 tutition for you to go to the local community college, (The people that went through ended up paying $100 out of pocket ~ not including the gas to go to and from school) and six weeks later they had their CDL's. Truck drivers have the potential to make big money, (It means being gone out and staying out on the road for weeks upon weeks at a time) Just throwing some thought ballons in the air for you. Things aren't as bad as you may think. You just need to get on the phone and start calling any and everybody. Forget "Flakey Brains!" ~ the STBXH. 2
Gunny376 Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 BTW? When going through what your going through with the STBX? The way you can tell if they're lying? Their lips are moving! 3
Author debber01 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 Thanks Gunny. Your reply was very helpful in many ways. It's just so hard to see those things right now. I mean, I don't feel like I could even drive my car to the grocery store right now without endangering myself as well as others. Let alone seeing a lawyer. :-(. So trying to see long term enough about getting work is way out of my realm of comprehension right now. Loved your saying about how you can tell when they're lying. Their lips are moving. That made my day.
GuyInLimbo Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I don't recall your initial post, but does he still own the business? I would believe you are entitled to alimony, no?
paradigm shift Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Wow, Debber...I am so sorry. I just came back from a meeting with the attorney and I explained how wonderful Stbx was, status quo etc etc. and said said that now is a good time for legal separation before he changes his mind about things. I commented that he wasn't that way, but your post has made me rethink things. I am truly sorry this is happening and you are entitled to spousal support, as well as child support, and as Gunny mentioned, this is just round one. What isn't in the papers is how much everything hurts
Author debber01 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 GIL. No, no business any longer. And we just filed bankruptcy so there really isn't any money. Paradigm. You are spot on. The thing missing from the papers is the pain. Thanks everyone. I really need the support.
Steen719 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Debber, We have some similarities in our situations. You can read mine and see what I mean, but briefly, I was married for 22 years and am now divorced. My XH also had an illness, but like I said, it would be better to read my story than for me to repeat it here. One thing that took me a very long time to understand (I have been divorced for a little over 1 year and I am still a work in progress) is that my XH had moved on long before we divorced. Your H may not have someone else, mine did and this facilitated and expedited his removal from me and made him rewrite our history. The affair woman did not work out and my XH moved on at the speed of lightening so that he turned his head and found someone else. It hurt, really hurt, that I was in so much pain and he seemed to care less. But, people here and my brother kept telling me that he had moved on way before we divorced, so he had been through any feelings of loss before I even knew he had. We also have major financial problems d/t his illness and inability to work and now issues with house, etc. He is filing bankruptcy and I am hoping to avoid it by working 2 jobs and I am NOT young. It just takes time to start feeling even OK again. You have been betrayed by someone you stuck with. Let's face it. Anyone who has been married as long as we were have faced times when love ebbed. It is natural to ebb and flow and we knew that it would get better again. Be kind to yourself, spend time with friends, go back to school. I teach and I have plenty of older students who find themselves in situations that open that door for them. We may not want to go through that door, but sometimes that decision is made for us. Try to embrace it and find the best you. I am not trying to minimize your pain. God knows, I understand how it hurts. It is mostly indescribable and you just pray you will never feel this bad again. But truly, if you do not go forward, it is the same as going backwards. Go into Vet tech school, find money to go and do what you love. You have a lot to offer the world; we all do. Go to a divorce support group and get some support from others who understand how you feel. Volunteer with your animal shelter. Look into the things Gunny mentioned. I know it seems as if you won't survive this, but you will. It stinks, it hurts, it is not fair, but you have to go through it to get to the other side. Best to you, really. Keep your chin up. {{{HUGS}}}
Author debber01 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Thanks Steen. I realize totally that he moved on long ago. And I've thought about how he's already dealt with these awful awful feelings. Yet he's asking me to put my life back together in 18 months. What? Seriously? And I also have strong suspicion that when his billionaire employer died 2 years ago that he left Dave money. They got pretty close personally. There are tons of signs of it. And i know a complex estate like a billionaire's would probably take two years to settle. But I know for a fact that the account wouldnt be in his name although he can draw funds on it. My lawyer would never find it. And I'd risk pissing him off and then he'd withdraw all financial support and I literally would not have access to a dime. I was completely dependent upon him financially because I quit my job in 2005 to run his business. I just don't know what to do about that situation. If its 10K who cares? The lawyers are going to eat that up anyway and then I'd have taken that huge chance for nothing. But if it's 50K, 100K or even more, well I sure could use the help until I can get on my own feet. I'm lost...
Steen719 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Thanks Steen. I realize totally that he moved on long ago. And I've thought about how he's already dealt with these awful awful feelings. Yet he's asking me to put my life back together in 18 months. What? Seriously? And I also have strong suspicion that when his billionaire employer died 2 years ago that he left Dave money. They got pretty close personally. There are tons of signs of it. And i know a complex estate like a billionaire's would probably take two years to settle. But I know for a fact that the account wouldnt be in his name although he can draw funds on it. My lawyer would never find it. And I'd risk pissing him off and then he'd withdraw all financial support and I literally would not have access to a dime. I was completely dependent upon him financially because I quit my job in 2005 to run his business. I just don't know what to do about that situation. If its 10K who cares? The lawyers are going to eat that up anyway and then I'd have taken that huge chance for nothing. But if it's 50K, 100K or even more, well I sure could use the help until I can get on my own feet. I'm lost... It might be worth a financial investigator (forensic accounting)?
Author debber01 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 What is that Steen? Don't know how I'd pay for it anyway. I am utterly dependent upon him and there isn't much money in the joint checking account, which is all that we have.
carhill Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 OP, pick one thing you want when the dust settles; one priority. Focus on that. In my state, legal sep is the same as a D except one cannot legally remarry if legal sep. Financials, support, custody, etc are predominantly resolved during the legal sep process. Slush funds and plan B's are common for business owners who have long-term access to accounting, investment and legal help. Expect that. The trick is to get that one thing you want through voluntary compliance rather than brute force. Leave that path open as the 'easy out'. Otherwise, the lawyers and accountants chew up a huge amount of whatever is available for distribution. Keep it business and treat it like a business deal with a business adversary. Leave emotion at the door. Care less. Good luck.
Author debber01 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Thanks Carhill. I ran the business for 11 years so I know he has no slush fund. :-(
carhill Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I mentioned it because I know some business owners personally who do, including offshore accounts. Also, as a trusted friend/colleague/confidant, I've been a 'slush fund' for some, as well as trustee. Everything isn't always as it seems. People can hide things if they are sufficiently motivated. As you shared in your opening post, he lied. Yep. 1
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