I cheated on my wife

[JamesM]

Earlier in this thread you advocated marriage counseling for the OP, you also advocated that the OP should confess his affair to his wife.

 

Now with this post you seem to be saying the opposit.

 

I'm confused where you're coming from.

 

In this post I am simply asking questions and not taking a position. I still hold with my first post, but give out other views to get someone thinking.

[OhGeesh]

Choosing honesty creates 10X or 100X the problems you have today what for the sake of chivliary or some BS like that. Potentially sends your child to another country. Splits your assets by half, of which you may have signifcant legal bills, so maybe less than half, and creates misery and pain for everybody in your life. Or you could keep your mouth shut, man up and quit acting like an overly emotional woman (most of whom are posting on this thread, women who have been cheated on most likely), admit your mistake to yourself and promise to keep it in your pants and be a good boy from now on. Boy that is a real hard decsion you have to make. Regardless of which you choose, putting a loaded gun to your head and squeezing the triggar or just manning up and being quiet, good luck to you.

 

Sauron, we must have been separated at birth!! I agree wholeheartedly that this is the best advice in 99% of the marriage or LTR's out there.

[Decorative]

I don't really understand why lying is ever considered the best advice.

 

The best advice would be not to do things that you have to lie about later, I would think.

[woinlove]

I don't really understand why lying is ever considered the best advice.

 

The best advice would be not to do things that you have to lie about later, I would think.

 

Not everyone values honesty or wants to treat others with respect. For example, if someone wants to stay married under conditions that they know their spouse would not accept, some will choose to lie in order to stay married and have the conditions they want. Some of those people then counsel others to behave similarly to themselves. I don't get the impression that ck wants to spend his life behaving like that, but that doesn't stop some from encouraging him to do just that.

[ck78]

Thanks for all the words of enlightenment, I don't consider them to be brutal but exactly what I needed to hear.

 

For those stating that I/She should quit our jobs, the problem I have is I am currently a visa holder which means I would have to find an Employer willing to sponsor a work visa and then go through the change of visa process - not impossible but stressful. She is currently a permanent residence but has told me work is the only thing she can currently count on in her life at the moment.

 

For the record, my wife has not cheated before, she is an unbelievable, loving mother and wife.

 

In terms of telling my wife, we were watching TV recently and Bill Clinton came on air. The topic invariably arose regarding his infidelity towards Hillary and my wife told me that she just would not want to know if I had strayed - it was one of those moments when you feel your insides burning and I blew it off.

 

For what it's worth, it does kill me inside because the betrayal/guilt is all I see, day in and day out. Then, I get to work and the OW is there and there's no escaping her, the work we do requires a lot of interaction and everything about her draws me to her. There's no question that my work has suffered, I don't feel as motivated to work and I'm constantly tired now, the mental suffering really hurts and it takes such a toll physically too.

 

The OW's husband wanted to talk to OW - she finally told him she started seeing a therapist this week. He asked if they would get better, she told him she felt more distant and she still liked someone else. He asked if the other person reciprocated (he knows exactly who I am) and she said not enough to want a future with me... I felt miserable when I heard that, it's like I want some hope or someway for this work out for everyone but that's the problem with this dream, it will end in tears and those tears have already started.

 

On top of that, I'm finding little things that set me off at home, my wife & I had a small argument today, something really trivial but it's enough that we're not talking and I know it's me, it's just me and my mindset..

 

I wish I could just walk away from all this, walk away from everyone and everything and go be alone somewhere but that's not going to happen either.

 

In terms of telling my wife, I've started by telling her that the OW has stated she likes me, I've told her the OW is having marital problems and I've told her the OW's spouse doesn't like me because of all the coffees/lunches we've had - all true.

 

The really hard part about this is that my folks never wanted me to marry my wife (cultural reservations) and I fought for so long to make it happen. I married her regardless and it took my folks a few years to get over it and now they are all fine & loving with each other. And then I go ahead and do something like this !!

 

With regards to the sex, I didn't know when she brought me home where we'd end up, it was only when we entered the bedroom that I realized but at that point, I was so blind that it didn't matter. I don't know who's the bigger fool, her for suggesting we'd fool around at home, me agreeing to it and then ducking in the back seat so we wouldn't see her neighbors and then asking her to get condoms from their stash so I could use them.

 

This is messed up on so many levels and at this point, I'm hurting pretty badly - the mental pain is exhausting. I rang up a therapist, he couldn't fit me in so I need to ring up the others on the list I have. Having said that, I'm hesitant to do that too.

 

At the moment, I don't know what I want, I know I want my son in my life, I worry that my wife finds out and leaves but I fear the heartbreak from not having any contact with the OW (since she doesn't want to leave and I will have visa issues if changing employer), it makes the no contact part unlikely for the next few months at least.

 

Just drifting aimlessly...

[KathyM]

I think you should leave your wife. If your love for her is so little that you would risk it this way, then you don't belong with her. She deserves someone who will love her and cherish her. That isn't you. So leave her, and take it up a notch with your lover, since she is the one you value more than anyone. More than your wife. More than your son. But good luck with keeping a relationship together with the OW, since she seems to have a problem with keeping to just one guy. But apparently, you're willing to share her with someone else anyway, since you knew she was married, so it's all good. Just continue on the way you have been with her, after setting your wife free to find someone who truly loves her and whom she can trust.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

you're really got yourself into a tight spot here, but it sounds like sooner or later, something has to give.

 

It sounds as if your affair is creating a very negative effect on your life. You're fighting with your wife and even your work is starting to suffer. Seems that all this lying and deceit is not who you are. Some seem to be able to lie and totally disrespect their spouses and feel no pang o guilt about it...that's just not you.

 

I would strongly encourage that you see a therapist or counselor so that you can talk to someone is real life who can listen to you and help you sort out what it is that you want. Not to sound mean or anything, but your other woman is a big girl and can take care of herself. It doesn't sound like this is her first affair, and it likely won't be her last. Seems she is using cheating as a way to fill a void i her life and in her self rather than trying to actually fix the problem. She sounds just like any other serial cheater.

 

Ask yourself this...if the other woman was to just suddenly disappear, what would you do with your life? would you feel a sense of relief that it was over for good and you didn't have to deal with it any more, and go back to your marriage and try to move on, or would you still be unhappy? what does your answer tell you?

[Sauron]

You have another option. It is not all or nothing. Wait until your lover decides what she is going to do. If she stays married she may be unavailable to you, then you just man up and move on. If she leaves that is a different ball game. Manage your family and take care of them, and if your lover is getting out of her marriage tell her that you are committed to your family as you already have, and ask if if she desires be your OW until she gets on her feet and get's over the divorce and then the 2 of you can see where it goes from there. You probably are looking at a 12 to 18 month stint. I would think that you need to be prepared to help her out the best you can from a support issue, mental, emotional and financial if she needs it. Who knows she may like not having a full time realtionship, but having a friend and lover while she figures out the next phase of her life. And by the time her divorce becomes final you probably will have a much better picture of how you 2 realate to each other. Based on what you said, there is no great sense of urgency. And whatever you do avoid pregnancy, or then you will have a sense of urgency. Good luck to you.

[BetrayedH]

You are pretty deep in the rabbit hole. Your choices now are to either start digging your way out or keep going further in. That's it. You're smart enough to realize that this fantasy isn't real and it is seriously ****ing up your real life. Will you keep going with all of this manipulation, lying, scheming, and so forth? Or will you begin to live an authentic life?

[nofool4u]

You should stay on topic.

 

It is on topic. I was referring to your advice. If I'm off topic by replying to that, then you are off topic.

 

But you weren't, and neither am I.

 

 

What I said was that sex is an individual experience.

 

Yup, thats what you said, and that is to which I was referring.

 

My point is if thats all it is, then the SO shouldn't have a problem with it.

 

If the SO has a problem with it, then thats not "just all" it is.

[yessy21]

Look at the bright side... Most men that cheat on their wives are still in love with them.

I read this in an article.

[JamesM]

Look at the bright side... Most men that cheat on their wives are still in love with them.

I read this in an article.

 

So true. That is why they cheat on them instead of divorcing them.

[Owl]

Choosing honesty creates 10X or 100X the problems you have today what for the sake of chivliary or some BS like that. Potentially sends your child to another country. Splits your assets by half, of which you may have signifcant legal bills, so maybe less than half, and creates misery and pain for everybody in your life. Or you could keep your mouth shut, man up and quit acting like an overly emotional woman (most of whom are posting on this thread, women who have been cheated on most likely), admit your mistake to yourself and promise to keep it in your pants and be a good boy from now on. Boy that is a real hard decsion you have to make. Regardless of which you choose, putting a loaded gun to your head and squeezing the triggar or just manning up and being quiet, good luck to you.

 

Completely and totally incorrect.

 

It doesn't CREATE the problems. It gets them out in front of BOTH spouses, and forces them to be resolved, one way or another.

 

The problems are already there...the thing is, his wife doesn't know about them yet, and so they're not being addressed/dealt with/focused on/resolved.

 

Honesty gets it all out in the open where it can be dealt with.

 

I'd agree that it creates more STRESS in the short term than remaining married and decieving your spouse about your affair...but that stress is then counterbalanced by the stress of maintaining those lies for potentially years, and compounded by the stress of what happens when/if she finds out...which happens OFTEN.

 

Maintaining the marriage by deception ultimately is more stress, long term. Lying avoids the issues and reduces the stress short term, but doesn't resolve the problems and ends up being more costly stress-wise long term.

[stillafool]

I completely agree with KathyM. Leave your wife because she is the one you don't love or want. I'm sure she would not deprive her son of a relationship with his father so it's doubtful you will lose your son. It is really awful that you are taking the pressure of your affair out on your wife. Stop treating someone so innocent that way. I can guarantee her intuition is telling her something is wrong and she probably thinks SHE'S crazy. You have to tell her that you no longer want or love her. If you don't the pain you feel now will be nothing compared to the Karma you are creating.

[yessy21]

So true. That is why they cheat on them instead of divorcing them.

 

 

LMAO. it makes sense doesnt it!? Oh, and the article also says... they cheat to save their marriage.

[BetrayedH]

LMAO. it makes sense doesnt it!? Oh, and the article also says... they cheat to save their marriage.

 

That's what my wife said. Even while they were meeting up, she would ask him if he had sex with his wife this week. If he said no, she would grill him on why not. It's insanity what people tell themselves to justify what they were doing. I picture my wife in a hotel room with her asking about him having sex with his wife while she removes her blouse. I am sure they were very helpful to one another in restoring their marriages while they got it on.

[frozensprouts]

That's what my wife said. Even while they were meeting up, she would ask him if he had sex with his wife this week. If he said no, she would grill him on why not. It's insanity what people tell themselves to justify what they were doing. I picture my wife in a hotel room with her asking about him having sex with his wife while she removes her blouse. I am sure they were very helpful to one another in restoring their marriages while they got it on.

 

 

i think you may have just discovered a whole new form of marriage counseling...

[BetrayedH]

 

i think you may have just discovered a whole new form of marriage counseling...

 

You actually had me laughing out loud. I need to think about how to market this.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

BetrayedH

 

That's what my wife said. Even while they were meeting up, she would ask him if he had sex with his wife this week. If he said no, she would grill him on why not. It's insanity what people tell themselves to justify what they were doing. I picture my wife in a hotel room with her asking about him having sex with his wife while she removes her blouse. I am sure they were very helpful to one another in restoring their marriages while they got it on.

 

That's beyond affair fog and into hallucinations! You have got to be friggin kidding. The biscuit is now taken.

[yessy21]

playing Scene 1:'sitting on Hotel Bed Bug infested bed, while taking off blouse'

"Oh Bob, How could you NOT sleep with her? Dont you know this is the only thing that can save our MARRIAGES."

 

Scene 2: 'Bob turns around' " I couldnt do it Helen! I...I... I Love her soooo much... that i can only sleep with you."

[yessy21]

Sorry tooo many soap operas when i was a kid.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP

 

In terms of telling my wife, I've started by telling her that the OW has stated she likes me, I've told her the OW is having marital problems and I've told her the OW's spouse doesn't like me because of all the coffees/lunches we've had - all true.

 

That is not "starting to tell your wife". That is lying to her, and yourself. Come clean, FFS!

[Realist3]

I find what I need outside of my marriage for a lot of complex reasons that no one here will ever understand. In your particular case you made a mistake. That is all it is, a mistake. Fix it and move on with your life like most rational people would do. No reason to hit the self destruct button on your current life. You should do everything humanely possible to keep this under the radar. Also quit beating yourself up for responding to your male nature. Attractive, smart female wanted you. I am sure you will find that on here there will be men lining up telling you how good they are at denying that, great for them. Remember that most affairs end in total discretion. Discovery is the exception not the rule. Fix it and move on. Good luck to you.

 

I agree. Those who willfully pull the trigger of destruction are not doing anyone involved any favors, not matter how much they try and convince themselves otherwise.

[Tara247]

playing Scene 1:'sitting on Hotel Bed Bug infested bed, while taking off blouse'

"Oh Bob, How could you NOT sleep with her? Dont you know this is the only thing that can save our MARRIAGES."

 

Scene 2: 'Bob turns around' " I couldnt do it Helen! I...I... I Love her soooo much... that i can only sleep with you."

 

LMAO!!!

[Anoidtoo]

Hi CK78

I've just joined this forum as I myself I'm going through a similar issue. My problem started many years ago and at least around 4 years into our marriage. I was too naive to realize that something was not alright. My wife and I have been very close and so in love,we have two lovely children. There was never any arguments between us.. everyone one sees us as a perfect couple. In her line of employment (Medical) she does attend medical conferences around the country and at times overseas but for sure no reason to have to pick anyone at the airport. I did not see or thought of any red flag back then when that day she told me:

 

Tomorrow I need to pick up "someone" at the airport and that same day she had a work function to attend. That night she got back home past 11pm and had a thorough long shower. She usually take her function clothes with her to work and shower there ( clue number 1)!! (And besides that, who would have been that "someone" unless it's someone she's very close to she had to pick up at the airport !)

 

She thought I was fast asleep, I felt a weird pressure in my chest that something was not right. I did not say anything, she came to bed and fell asleep within minutes.. As soon as I noticed she had started snoring and in a deep sleep, I got up and went straight to her handbag and something urged me to check her mini phone book.

 

I went to the toilet and sat there perusing it... aside of all the family members and close friends contacts i was aware of, I came across this man's contact from Sydney with his mobile number, home number and address... I thought well this is not good as we've never hidden anything from each other before.

 

The next day after work, during dinner time we talked and I asked her about that contact.. of course she had her convincing excuses and I never expected her to tell me the truth, I just wanted her to know that I was aware of it. I should have copied down that guy's contact, because the very next day she got rid of it (clue number 2). This was my confirmation that she was up to something.

For unknown reasons, I left things as is and proceed with our family routing ( the beginning of faking happiness). She did not do anything out of the norm to arouse my suspicion thereafter (what I'd like to believe). She would always be home on time from work and never had any excuses that would alert me.

 

Having worked at the same hospital for 18yrs,she attends Medical functions where she gets to meet Reps, both men and women trying to promote their Medical products. She says;often at those Medical functions, Reps would entertain the hospital staff buying them drinks,meals etc., to get into their good books so that they can motivate them to buy their products.

 

My wife is a very attractive woman, she's tall with thick long blond hair and with a great body and was around her early 20's. It is quite obvious one of those male Reps had eyes on her and had worked his way to her heart getting her to see it as just platonic friendship. It might have been that this Rep was popular around the hospital she works at and for unknown reason she had this guy's complete contact in her personal diary. (not an appropriate thing to do as business contacts should be kept in one's work database).

 

At one stage, she came home after work with an expensive perfume (clue 3) she did not bother telling me where she got it from as we both know she couldn't have spent that much money as we had a large mortgage and other bills to pay. It's those little things that keep coming up on my mind.

 

Whether she was aware or not that this guy may have had it in for her, I get the feeling that she may now be living with remorse and regretting why she let herself go and get lured into having out of wedlock sex with a stranger damaging her marriage and relationship that has altered beyond repair.

 

We stayed together firstly because of our two children and secondly because of her Mum & Dad who are strict Christian believers that the first marriage is the ultimate. I was also her first lover (never had sex with another man) and coming from a strict christian background having sex before marriage was a no no.

 

After all those years I'm still hurt, confused, frustrated and bitter. I think she prayed that I never get to know what really happened back then and or that she wouldn't do something like that!! Once one has savoured the forbidden fruit, will always be a cheater.

I was never a jealous, possessive or inquisitive type. I was always humorous and never took anything seriously. She's now created a silent venomous person.

 

This coming December, we'll be celebrating our 25years wedding anniversary and for the past 20 odd years it's been a roller coaster for both of us I'm sure. By not admitting to adultery she's protecting her reputation, her status and her family that she does not want to hurt in case I decide to walk out on her. A decision, I'd say we both subconsciously put up with living a clear "fake married life".

 

The number of times when I've felt pretty good verses those times where I've felt down the drain are limited. We make love and most of the time it's just an action to relieve myself and she's just there as a vessel (feels like I'm doing it to a prostitute)...

 

Sad as it may sound, she initiated this and other times when we have a little disagreement she confesses that she's so scared that I may leave her and she'd have to face her strict family (clue number 4), why would she be worried about me leaving her?). I told her so be it, I have no problem with it and that scares her even more.

 

It's possible that many women are not aware that when a man is being so nice, understanding, showing empathy, sympathy and a good listener, it then leads to ensure calmness, relax, trust building confidence until the right time so she'll agree to sex.

 

It is also possible that there are many women out there that are just as horny as many men craving for sex with other guys and wanting to experience being screwed by another guy.

 

I can believe that my wife may have got carried away under alcohol influence as only two glasses of wine is enough to tip her over. She may have confessed to prying ears how a couple of drinks will easily tip her over and this would have been music to any guy's ear!!

And guys like that will have no problem reassuring targeted women that their secret affair will be very safe with them and no harm done to their marriage.( a disgusted reason for a married woman to be involve herself into).

 

At this point in time, this is all SPECULATION AS SHE HAS NEVER ever ADMITTED TO ANYTHING, something many would do to avoid confrontation and risk losing what's most precious to them not realizing it does not take much for your better half to figure things out.. (one's gut feeling is not to be avoided) and deep down inside knowing that one way or the other the relationship is doomed. My only clues are what I've been observing over the years based on touchy conversations and even nowadays when we hear anecdotes in similar genre whether in person or on TV, I purposely stimulate about how stupid many women are to fall for those type of guys who befriend and work them up to get between their legs and then dump them thereafter.(clue number 5) Her comments and reaction confirm to me that she is living through remorse and hatred for being abused... well this I cannot help.. I've been suffering in silence too.

 

At this point in time, there's no moving on for either of us...our darling children are 23 and 21 now... they are more or less aware of little issues but we do our best to maintain a positive atmosphere around our families, friends and acquaintances (very fake but achievable).

 

The trust has been destroyed for good, the real love I had for her is out the window. No marriage counsellor can ever restore or mend what we had at the beginning of our married life.

 

I firmly believe once any party in a marriage stray, the damage is done and it can never ever be mended 100%.. It is like a deep wound, it heals but the scarred tissue will always be visible and there to remind one how painful it was.

 

How we chose to deal with it is up to each individual. I show her gratitude for being a good mother, I show her affection (not love) in a weird way but not as intense and well meant as I used too and sadly, I have sex with her to fulfil my need.

 

Whether she enjoys it or not, I wouldn't have a clue as I've lost the urge to explore and please her as I used to do. For every time I see her naked, I visualize the other guy on top of her.. it puts me off completely!!

 

Is it right to have lived life this way, is it right to believe she may have cheated and never will admit(clue number 6) she keeps quiet and avoid confrontation...... the confusion is that I've got so used to it, I do not know how to gauge real happiness or fake happiness because when we are among families, friends and acquaintances everything seems to be alright, however, I've noticed how she'd stared at me when I'm around other women being humorous and laughing (something we used to do together, of which has declined rapidly), she appears lost and hurt but never says anything (clue number 7). Is she dealing with her guilt?

 

I've learrned to adjust and cope with my present lifestyle. It has not been easy.... everyday comes and goes with no expectation.

 

Maybe if she had been honest enough in the first place to tell me the truth I may have dealt with the blow then figure out what would be best for our children in a calm humanitarian way. Maybe she kept lying so she'd protect her children and her marriage.

 

it is still my right to know and no one deserves to be treated this way especially from a woman who thinks she can lie to her man and believing that I'd never figure it out. Two can play at this game... I prefer to play my game the way I've been treating her for the past 20years and I'm sure she feels the difference.

 

 

The intense love i had for her her once is now tarnished forever.. this is why every now and then I relive and visualize this but now I tell myself that I'm the most important person here.. I'm above her and she's really not that important anymore rather good enough for my needs.

 

The option was to: sell and move our separate ways, she panics and would not hear of it. We have a large mortgage and she's OK with paying most bills, so be it.

 

Stop, think and make the right choices... look at your 2 year old.. does he/she deserves a single parent lifestyle???? I stayed with my wife (even if I will never ever know the extent of her infidelity, I will survive with the proof I know, saw and other little give aways).. She's rotting with pains too as I'm not the same as I used to be..