I cheated on my wife

[ck78]

Hi,

 

I'm hurting really badly with this emotional affair I've been having with my coworker. She's married with 2 kids and I'm married with 1 kid.

 

It started innocently enough - I moved into the next cubicle across from her and a few months later, we started talking a lot more. We shared about cultural interests, life stories, aspirations etc; It then got to to a point where we were having lunches/coffees together more and more frequently and then to the point where we would text each other into the night or log into IM so we could continue. She is that combination of girl who has a sparkling personality, has brains and is okay looking. I was working really long hours for 3 months straight and I feel into her arms emotionally - she knew exactly what I was going through and would help with advice.

 

It then got to a point where we would miss each other if the other wasn't at their cubicle. Inevitably, the physical connection arose. We kissed - a day I remember well and after that, it would be embraces/kisses in empty elevators, empty stairwells. It got a point where oral sex was next - we would do it in her car in secluded spots away from the office. One time, she made me promise that I wouldn't sleep with her - I should have known that since it took me so long to promise that it would invariably happen.

 

Just before she went away on a 3 week holiday, her husband found out about us - she told him she loved me, not sure what else he knew. Their trip away to where their respective families lived was a harsh 3 weeks. I still emailed her and texted her when it was possible. However, during their holiday, she wanted me to make a decision on what was going to happen between us. I woke up and realized I would lose my 2 year old (my wife and I are from different countries) and she had told me that she wouldn't hesitate to take my boy back to her country if anything ever happened. I told the OW that I wasn't ready to let go of my boy and lose him so I told her it was over.

 

She came back from holidays and the first week was hell. The 2nd week was just as bad, we were both in pain but we talked about sleeping with each other - just to spite the world into showing that we could. Sure enough, Friday morning, I get a call from her whilst she was driving to work, she asked what I would say if we went back to her place during lunchtime and fooled around - not necessarily sex but just fooled around. Lunchtime came, I ducked in the back seat when we entered her street just in case the neighbors were out. We took off our clothes in her 2 year old daughter's room, closed the room and started fooling around in bed. The next thing, I had a condom on you can guess what happened next.

 

The guilt really hurt over the weekend and by Sunday, when I wasn't ready to commit, she had a slight breakdown - she told her husband to leave her alone, she cried uncontrollably and she sent me a late night text telling me she was quitting the next day. I replied back telling her not to do it, to think of her career etc; I was mentally brain dead Monday, my head hurt so badly - I sent her a text asking her if she would still quit if I said that I wanted to be with her then. I was ready to destroy everyone's lives at that point, all she had to do was respond, say Yes, and I would have walked home and given it all up for her. I didn't hear back from her for 4 days - no contact and then she called Thursday and said she wasn't quitting. Her husband had helped talk her out of it saying why did she have to sacrifice her career.

 

The last 2 weeks have been an absolute rollercoaster. She and her husband have had multiple blowups - she told him Sunday night that she was ready for divorce - the guy didn't want it (I suspect as it would lose face within the culture and he wants to keep the family present). I went over to her place Monday and talked her out of divorce - I told myself I didn't want her raising 2 kids alone even if it's joint custody and I didn't want her kids growing up in a single parent household.

 

She's now started seeing a therapist by herself. My wife doesn't know about the affair although she did refer to this coworker as my work wife (I've talked about her enough at home and my wife has seen us at Starbucks multiple times). This week, she's backed off physically, we haven't kissed and only hugged once. She's had other - I guess mini-affairs in the past where she's had emotional connections with other guys. She told me she had only kissed one of them out of the few.

 

She told me today that 2 weeks ago, she wanted a life with me but today, she's not sure what she wants anymore. She's a bit of a zombie at work and I can see she's hurting.

 

The question is what I want. My wife is incredibly loving and a wonderful mother to our 2 year old - I still struggle to fully understand why I was unfaithful - was it because my coworker and I connected at an emotional level far deeper than my wife, is it because she is pretty, what is it ?

 

I'm depressed, I try and put on my happy face at home so nobody sees me suffering and at work, I sit right across the girl who I've built a new life with in my mind. I'm not sure what to do - any help, brutal and otherwise would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

[kae]

before you do anything.. being responsible adult means asking yourself what will my actions lead to??

 

you didnt have boundaries at work. she didnt have boundaries. i feel so bad for the women contemplating divorce.. she`s being silly. if you leave your wife you too will be an fool. nothing has to be wrong for you to like another.. you simply got carried away. if you were sensible you would have observed her for 3more months and you would have notice her darker side, we all have one with that prudence reality and the cooling of your attraction would have set in. then you`d be grateful you and your wife have the space where you go to work and take emotional breaks from eachother where you do need to share all your feelings and troubles. you dont need someone to walk you in life... you need to deal with stress alone to be a good partner. emotional cheating happens when ur a baby and greedy for more support or you literally dont talk to your spouse or she doesnt listen. I bet your wife knows but she`s hoping you suffer enough to learn a lesson. what a wise women. women always know..

 

 

go home.. man up.. learn to protect yourself and your family!!!

[kae]

emotional breaks from eachother where you do NOT need to share all your feelings and troubles.

[waterwoman]

Your poor wife

 

I wish you have expressed more concern for her and less for yourself and the OW in your post.

 

Do you want to remain married?

[Sauron]

Disclaimer: I am a married man (30 + years) in a 7 year affair. Wow brains and beauty, a rare combination. I can see why you were attracted to her. Whatever you do don't tell your wife about this, let it blow over. Hopefully your lovers husband won't tell her either, and if I was you I would start distancing myself from your lover until she figures out what she wants to do. If she get's divorced, then she might become more available to you if you want to continue seeing her. I would also bet that is not her first affair the way you described her.

 

By your writing you sound like you are in the UK, hate to see wifey take your child back to wherever and be raised by another man in a foreign country. It is your responsbility to take care of your child. I stayed in my sub par marriage becasue of my children and I found a solution to my marriage issues.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited October 18, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inflammatory statement

[BetrayedH]

She had other - I guess mini-affairs in the past where she's had emotional connections with other guys. She told me she had only kissed one of them out of the few.

 

Sounds like she is a real winner. You should definitely dump your wife who you have described as incredibly loving and a wonderful mother. Of course, if this woman will cheat with you, she will cheat on you so hopefully you are mentally prepared for that.

 

You need to break off this affair entirely. Establish "no contact" with her. Tell your bosses if necessary.

 

Get the book, Not Just Friends. And yes, find the courage to tell your wife. Regardless of what she has said, it's highly unlikely that she will immediately leave. We all say it and it is rarely true. But IF you want to reconcile, confessing is just the first step. But rest assured, you'll never really reconcile with your wife with this wall between you.

 

Disclaimer: I am one of those bitter, previously betrayed posters that Sauron referred to. I can handle the label. Sauron is a self-admitted and active serial cheater with multiple other women and no plans to change a thing. Your choice of lifestyle. Something tells me that you don't have what it takes to do what he does.

[Minnie09]

You have to understand one thing: affairs are about how the op makes you feel, not about real emotions and genuine attachment. You're attached to the high she gives you when you're together, the longing for her when you're not together, and the idea of what might be if you were together full-time and officially. What keeps you in limbo is the thrill and the adrenaline that you get from the secrecy. You know you're hurting yourself and others, but the quick fix feels too good to make a smart decision. What you don't see is that you're hurting yourself the most. You will lose wife and kid. She will eventually find out. The OP's H already knows, after all. You will live in endless fear of being found out, because he could contact your W at any time. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next month, maybe in 3 years. Even after the A is over, he might still harbor hate and resentment that eventually drives him to reveal everything to your W. and who could blame him?

 

The other thing I would like you to consider is your ow's character. Not only is she capable of deceit and cheating, she also uses her toddler's room to "fool around" with her lover. Who does that? That's just plain callous and disgusting. Didn't you have any objections to that when she suggested her daughter's room and bed? Eeeeeew.

 

Last: your W had affairs in the past. Have those been addressed and worked through properly? Are you sure she's done with that phase of her life? Is it behind you? Are you talking about it, or did you talk about it and how it affected your M, or did you just gloss it over?

 

Ask yourself what's important to you and be upfront. Honesty will get you where you want to be. I know many people say that what she doesn't know wont hurt her, but if you want a relationship that's healthy, you should be able to come clean, talk and resolve - together. She will be much more likely to forgive you if you tell her. She will be more reluctant to if she hears it from somebody else, because then she'll ask herself forever what else you're hiding and lying about. She will then know you're capable of doing that and rebuilding trust will be hard, if not impossible.

[road]

You need to get the book surviving an affair by Dr Harley.

 

Go NC with this OW. That means quit this job.

 

Tell your BW and send the OW and OWH a NC/no contact letter.

 

Don't tell me you can't quit. You danced now you have to pay the band. It's called consequences.

[JamesM]

One of you will have to quit this job. Having worked with someone (when I was single) who I tried to break away from...three times, I can say that the possibility of an affair will exist while you work together. The thrill of her body and the thought of her excitement during sex will never leave you.

 

The two of you need to stay apart. Her asking you back to her house to "fool around" was a ploy to keep you attached to her. She knew and probably planned on having sex. (You had sex in her little girl's room? Would you have had sex in YOUR little boy's room? ) Just because you no longer work with her does not mean that you won't feel the urge to see her. But you must.

 

Decide if you really want to stay with your wife, or if your reason for quitting this affair (as you stated) is because you do not want to lose your son. If it is for your son, then realize that it is best for him if his parents can reconcile. If you truly do not want to be with your wife, then you may want to re-examine why you married her.

 

You must tell your wife. While it may be the most difficult thing you do, I don't see how you can keep this from your wife. The OW's husband may beat you to it, if you don't hurry up. Telling her does not mean she will stay with you. In fact, she may still leave you and take your boy. If you don't tell her and she finds out, then you can be sure that she will be less forgiving than she would be if you do tell her.

 

If your wife agrees to stay with you and you want to stay with her, then seek out marriage counseling for the two of you. There IS a reason why you ended up in the arms of this co-worker, and it is not simply because she is pretty or that you became closer to her than your wife. It may be that you and your wife are less emotionally close, but I suspect there is a reason. It could be that you work too much. It could be that your co-worker looks more alluring because you are not spending enough time with your wife. It could be that your wife doesn't have as much time for you because she has your son to raise. It could be many different reasons, but you must get to the bottom of this if you want your marriage and son.

 

Always remember the pain that this has caused you. Never forget the pain that you are enduring. And while I know you will say "Oh, I never will!" I am afraid that in time, you will forget the intensity of the emotions caused by this. However, you must learn a lesson from this or it will have been a wasted mistake.

 

As I have said before, when it comes to affairs and cheating....the pleasure is not worth the pain.

[ThatJustHappened]

Disclaimer: I am a married man (30 + years) in a 7 year affair. Wow brains and beauty, a rare combination. I can see why you were attracted to her. Whatever you do don't tell your wife about this, let it blow over. Hopefully your lovers husband won't tell her either, and if I was you I would start distancing myself from your lover until she figures out what she wants to do. If she get's divorced, then she might become more available to you if you want to continue seeing her. I would also bet that is not her first affair the way you described her.

 

By your writing you sound like you are in the UK, hate to see wifey take your child back to wherever and be raised by another man in a foreign country. It is your responsbility to take care of your child. I stayed in my sub par marriage becasue of my children and I found a solution to my marriage issues.

 

Good luck to you.

 

You constantly claim to have the utmost respect for women, and then you say this.

 

OP, I agree with the people who are saying that you need to come clean, and that you need to quit your job.

[JamesM]

You constantly claim to have the utmost respect for women, and then you say this.

 

Please for the sake of the OP...DON'T make this a thread (once again) about Sauron. He is what he is and arguing with him will not cause him to suddenly drop his affair(s). Arguing with him will not change anyone else's past either.

 

All that will happen is...the mods will close the thread and the OP will lose out on some friendly advice.

 

I just hope that ck78 comes back to read and post on his thread.

[underwater2010]

How sick can it get? You screwed a women in her 2 yrs old bedroom. Sounds romantic to me. And by the way...you have not woke up yet. You say you do not want to lose your kids....then QUIT texting and talking to this woman. When your wife finds out...all hell will break lose.

[underwater2010]

I do not agree with Sauron....it is better that your wife find out from your mouth, then discover it on her own.

[Sauron]

Please for the sake of the OP...DON'T make this a thread (once again) about Sauron. He is what he is and arguing with him will not cause him to suddenly drop his affair(s). Arguing with him will not change anyone else's past either.

 

All that will happen is...the mods will close the thread and the OP will lose out on some friendly advice.

 

I just hope that ck78 comes back to read and post on his thread.

 

Thank you JamesM I couldn't agree with you more.

[BetrayedH]

I read it as the OW had the other affairs, not the wife. OP would you clarify?

 

I read it that way, too, but there's a lot of "she" pronoun action going on in there.

[JamesM]

I read it as the OW had the other affairs, not the wife. OP would you clarify?

 

I read it that way, too, but there's a lot of "she" pronoun action going on in there.

 

I agree with both of you....the OW had other "mini affairs."

[frozensprouts]

op,

it sounds like you need to take a step back and starting looking at this situation from a logical standpoint.

 

to start with, deepening on the policies of your workplace having an affair at work is a huge mistake. Even if there's no rules against it, you still have to work together, and when things end, that's really hard

 

second...take an objective look at this other woman. It seems she's somewhat of a serial cheat/other woman. Why do you think she's like that? doesn't sound like a good relationship bet to me ( and having sex in her child's bedroom is just gross...i mean come on, how nasty can you get?)

 

third...you need to put on your " big boy pants" and figure out what it is that you want. i know you may not realize it, but your affair is probably hurting your wife/ child, even if they don't know why. Be honest with yourself and ask if you have been cross, bad tempered or preoccupied with them? If you have, you're hurting them...really look hard at the situation. Do you think you are being fair to your wife and child are you so wrapped up in your affair and all it's associated "drama" that you're being unfair to them in all of this?

 

You're probably not a bad guy, but you are doing some bad things. Is this really the kind of guy you want to be? Sneaking around, having sex in a child's bedroom, etc.?

 

If you want a good deterrent to cheating, be honest with your wife. The pain you'll be causing someone who loves and trusts you should be deterrent enough.

best of luck to you, and i hope you are able to work things out

[mercy]

Sounds like she is a real winner. You should definitely dump your wife who you have described as incredibly loving and a wonderful mother. Of course, if this woman will cheat with you, she will cheat on you so hopefully you are mentally prepared for that.

 

You need to break off this affair entirely. Establish "no contact" with her. Tell your bosses if necessary.

 

Get the book, Not Just Friends. And yes, find the courage to tell your wife. Regardless of what she has said, it's highly unlikely that she will immediately leave. We all say it and it is rarely true. But IF you want to reconcile, confessing is just the first step. But rest assured, you'll never really reconcile with your wife with this wall between you.

 

Disclaimer: I am one of those bitter, previously betrayed posters that Sauron referred to. I can handle the label. Sauron is a self-admitted and active serial cheater with multiple other women and no plans to change a thing. Your choice of lifestyle. Something tells me that you don't have what it takes to do what he does.

 

lololololololol

 

Do we all now have to post a disclaimer?

 

Disclaimer: Ecstatically happy BW here.

 

OP, do the right thing.

[mercy]

I say go be with the OW. It's what you really want right? You wife isn't meeting your needs or expectations and you sure in hell aren't meeting hers if you are giving to someone else. Be a big boy. Pick up the cojones and go for the whole pie.

 

But the pie is married and can't make up her mind.

 

Maybe the pie and the OP should allow the betrayed spouses to make the choice of who can stay and who has to go.

[nofool4u]

The question is what I want. My wife is incredibly loving and a wonderful mother to our 2 year old - I still struggle to fully understand why I was unfaithful

 

And I'm struggling with what I really want to say, but I'll refrain.

 

You did what you did because you wanted it. You are an unfaithful person by character, you got the hots for a woman that isn't the same woman you have been having sex with for so many years, it was new, taboo, and exciting.

 

 

- was it because my coworker and I connected at an emotional level far deeper than my wife, is it because she is pretty, what is it ?

 

 

Its because you aren't fit for marriage. Emotional "levels", or connections will diminish over time. You think you have this emotional connection with the other woman, but if you ended up living with her day in and day out for a few years, you'd be right back to wondering if you have some emotional connection....because the relationship is no longer new. Its called being fickle.

 

I'm depressed, I try and put on my happy face at home so nobody sees me suffering and at work, I sit right across the girl who I've built a new life with in my mind. I'm not sure what to do - any help, brutal and otherwise would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

Divorce your wife so she can find someone that will be true to her. Hopefully this other woman sets her husband free so he can find someone decent as well.

 

Then you two can do whatever you want, until THAT relationship gets old too.

[ThatJustHappened]

Please for the sake of the OP...DON'T make this a thread (once again) about Sauron. He is what he is and arguing with him will not cause him to suddenly drop his affair(s). Arguing with him will not change anyone else's past either.

 

All that will happen is...the mods will close the thread and the OP will lose out on some friendly advice.

 

I just hope that ck78 comes back to read and post on his thread.

 

You're right..apologies everyone. It just makes me so angry to read disgusting sh*t like that.

 

I hope ck78 comes back as well..

[2sure]

Because your wife has already told you that if anything happens to the marriage she will take your son back to her country and away from you....she has previous reason not to trust you or is not as loving as you claim.

 

In most marriages here in the US , taking a child out of the country after divorce isn't a real option....so not that much of a risk in divorce......but in your case, it most certainly is.

 

Since you already know she will take your child away if she finds out....worth the risk huh?

 

Keep cheating if that's what makes you happy, but stop claiming you can't risk losing your son. You totally are.

[Sauron]

Duck has it right. Why blow everything up and feel guilty? You are thinking with an all or nothing mentality. You have a great wife at home, child and sounds like a good job. If your OW's life is a mess, wait until it smooths out and see what you want to do. You told her you don't want to commit. You really don't have to do anything except observe how it plays out and adjust to what's going on with your lover. I think many of the problems related to these relationships is based on ALL or nothing, I have to be with OW all the time or she has to be with me. Why? She wants a divorce let her get one. She may have used you to make it happen.

 

You just need to manage through the situation with your wife and make sure she doesn't find out. If you are intelligent about it you can come out of this debacle smelling like a rose. And if you aren't cut out for having a lover on the side, just bear down and take care of business at home and let this episode fade into time. As to why you felt the connection with your lover, that is easy as understanding nature and the way men are programmed to think. It is AGAINST our nature to not pursue attractive desireable women. Good luck to you.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

There is an argument being made by other posters for lying to and using other people. That is a crappy argument, both morally and in terms of the actual long term effects.

 

2sure has it: Keep cheating if that's what makes you happy, but stop claiming you can't risk losing your son. You totally are.

Edited October 19, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Sauron]

There is an argument being made by other posters for blowing up your life and devestating those your care about because you had sex with someone else while you were married. Sex is nothing more than an indvidual experience. That is a crappy argument, both morally and in terms of the actual long term effects.

 

There are differences of opinions. Like it or not, most affairs happen and end in discretion unless one is a moron about it and does something stupid like confess everything. You want to forgive yourself fine, do it, you made a mistake. You want to talk to someone about it great you have an outlet right here. But then in the real world, keep quiet and take care of your family and let this episode fade. That's what most sane, rational reasonable people who have affairs would do.

 

You will get many opinions about confessing everything as the only way to fix your marriage that is told bullshxt and driving yourself off a cliff. A sure way to change your life for the negative. You want to confess go talk to a bartender or priest. Good luck to you.