I can't do this on my own

[Jmatj]

My husband just recently told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and I don't feel like I'm strong enough to handle it. I have no girlfriends, no close friends, no family to support me so I'm making a desperate attempt to reach out to strangers to give me the confidence I need to handle this.

 

Let me start out by saying that I'm only 26, been married for 3 years, together for over 7. I know it doesn't sound like much and I have my whole life ahead of me, especially because we have no kids, but it feels like the hardest and most impossible day of my life and I have no idea how to handle it or even where to start handling it.

 

We started dating right after high school, maintained long distance through college while I studied in Europe, and then got married right after college. We were young, but we were both convinced it was an epic love story - we were different, but our differences complemented each other. My family, friends, career opportunities -- all remained in Europe. But I made a conscious decision to leave all of that behind to pursue my love.

 

No marriage is perfect, we had our fights. There were moments were he got abusive, both physically and mentally, but we addressed those issues. I wasn't perfect either; guilty of mistrust and nagging. But year ago, it seemed like we were growing as a couple. I loved him, good and bad, I adored him; even though I was not always able to show it.

 

In February, I suspected infidelity. I stumbled upon text messages in his phone, while putting it on the charger ... To several girls... That implied sexual relationships or at least desire to do so. I gathered all my courage and addressed it in a civil manner, with proof of screenshots, he had no choice to admit it. Not infidelity, but a desire to cheat. Seeing the pain I was going through, he promised to be a better man.

 

Since then, the last couple of months he made an effort to be a better husband the best way he could, I saw that and appreciated that. Last couple of weeks have been the happiest moments of my marriage. He cooked for me, he listened to what I needed, he got me things I wanted... The things he never did before.

 

Then, out of nowhere, in a usual domestic argument he told me he couldn't do it anymore. I thought it was just another argument but as more days go by, I know he means it. He says he wasn't happy, he's been pretending, it's better that he leaves now than grow to hate me. No warning, no discussions, he just made a decision to throw away a 7 year relationship without any reason. I'm confused because he won't talk to me, he ignores me .. Avoids the subject... I spend my days and nights crying my eyes out, with no affect on his emotions.

 

I gave up everything for this man to move back to the states to be with him: my family,my friends, my grad school opportunity.. I am all alone here, no one to talk to, no shoulder to cry on, nothing. He was all I had here, and he knows it, I have backup plan and nowhere to go but it doesn't seem to covern him as he wants one of us to move out. I dedicated my life to him, been a loyal wife. What hurts the most is that I had dreams of buying our first house, I was ready to have a child with this man and be a family.

 

All I got in return is that he's nt happy and we got married to early. I feel like he's describing a different marriage.

 

I made so many sacrifices to make this work, I put all my cards into this marriage. Now, I feel so alone, like I have nothing left. No reason to continue because the person that was my life doesn't want me in his anymore and I dont even get an explanation. I'm broken. I didn't see this coming and I don't know how to handle this on my own. I spent days in bed crying myeyesnout while he stays out and doesn't even check up on me; this cant be good for my health.

 

Regardless of what happens, I love him. He is the love of my life and I don't know how to go on without him. Please help, how can I make myself sane and strong enough to handle it?

 

If nothing else, it feels so good to let it ... Or type it... All out.

[Ugh1]

He is gone. I am sorry, but he is. I would venture to bet that he has cheated. He only admitted to the bare minimum. Why would he admit to more. Cut your losses. Don't move out, though. It is as much your house as it is his. Stay there, shut down your emotions towards him for now. Go see a counselor if you need to talk to someone and just wait out his papers for a divorce. I wouldn't talk to him or even confront him. Just ignore him and start getting your ducks in a row to get a divorce. I'm sorry you are going through this, but it will work out. 6 years from now when you are in a great relationship with someone who won't abuse you, you are going to wonder why you wasted a single tear on this guy. You are lucky there aren't children in the marriage.

Again... sorry.

[Clothed-in-strengh]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know the feeling and have been struggling for the last 6 months. I'm not going to lie...it's going to be hard but it will get better. I promise. Focus on yourself and consult an attorney. Also, make an appt. to see a therapist...it will help you so much since you have no support system. You don't deserve his abuse and your H will not change unless he gets IC. If he decides to go to IC, he will not change overnight. Seems like he has deep rooted issues and they have nothing to do with you. Take a vacation to go see your family and friends. It will be a good thing for you. You'll come back a lot stronger to face him and the divorce. I wish you the best!

[GuyInLimbo]

I'm sorry you are going through this as well, but you will get through this fine.

 

Yeah, you did get marred too young, IMO. But you don't have any responsibilities that will tie you to him the rest of your lives. You need to experience more people. But most importantly, now you know you need to work on YOU. You are free and clear after this divorce. Now is the time to indulge in new hobbies, travel, meet new people and make new friends, take classes, read, whatever. You need to discover who you are, what you love and find someone you can be in a HEALTHY relationship with.

 

And, I strongly believe you need to start seeing a therapist immediately. This motley crew can help to a point, but having someone, a professional, in your corner, in person, is critical.

 

Oh, and stop looking for something from him. Often, people think the other person "owes" them something in return for x years. Forget it. Move on. You're asking for something he can't and won't give you. And, frankly, nothing he could give you is going to help. You just need time to heal.

[MsOptimist]

I can certainly sympathize with you as I have experienced similar situations in my marriage. It is anything but easy being in our situation.

 

I agree with the others who suggested finding a good therapist - I am seeing one and it helps immensely. I feel good after each session and he helps to make sure I'm on the right path of dealing with this and working through the emotions in a healthy way. That is so important right now.

 

You can establish new friendships - I oddly felt it easier to talk to some people who didn't know me very well. And they have since become closer friends during this time of crisis for me. Find activities that you enjoy and reach out to people - you will be pleasantly surprised at how much support you can find. Find a divorce support group, that is something that I keep meaning to do myself. You will find others there in the same kinds of situations.

 

We will get through this. We deserve better than this and we can come out of this stronger.

[KatZee]

Is there any way you can go back home? To Europe? You will have your support system there. Friends, family, and job opportunities... is this something you've thought of?

[Jmatj]

Thank you for all the kind words, a harsh reality check, and bits of confidence to go on. It's truly amazing to find much needed support in complete strangers. I'm done with hysterical crying, I'm still confused and lost, but after spending an entire night reading divorce and separation forums I realize that my situation could have been so much worse. I'm still in a lot of pain, I am still lonely, but the sane and logical part of me is trying to make sense of things. I've started looking into therapy/counseling because it seems like the one thing everyone agrees on, so I will give it a try.

 

He is gone. I am sorry, but he is. I would venture to bet that he has cheated. He only admitted to the bare minimum. Why would he admit to more. Cut your losses. Don't move out, though. It is as much your house as it is his.

 

I know but a part of me that still loves him is in denial.

He never admitted to cheating, he convinced me that all that he's guilty of is "sexting", which doesn't make it any less painful. And the only reason he couldn't deny it was cause I took screenshots of conversations an sent them to my email to confront him. He seemed truly sorry, we discussed everything manyntimes, and forgave him so I dont know if this had any impact on his desicion.

 

I might have to move out as I won't be able to afford this rent if he moves out.

 

You don't deserve his abuse and your H will not change unless he gets IC. If he decides to go to IC, he will not change overnight. Seems like he has deep rooted issues and they have nothing to do with you. Take a vacation to go see your family and friends. It will be a good thing for you.

 

Appreciate your kind words. But leaving now will mean coming back to something unresolved and dealing with it at a later date.

 

 

But most importantly, now you know you need to work on YOU. You are free and clear after this divorce. Now is the time to indulge in new hobbies, travel, meet new people and make new friends, take classes, read, whatever. You need to discover who you are, what you love and find someone you can be in a HEALTHY relationship

 

Oh, and stop looking for something from him. Often, people think the other person "owes" them something in return for x years. Forget it. Move on. You're asking for something he can't and won't give you. And, frankly, nothing he could give you is going to help. You just need time to heal.

 

I am starting to think that I lost who I am, or was, that I no longer know what makes me happy.

 

All I want from him is an explanation. Whether there's someone else, if he just wants to be single, or there's no more love. "Unhappy" doesn't come out of nowhere, unhappiness needs to be addressed in counseling or at least be attempt to find the root. But he refuses, he became a completely different person in just a day.. No signs no warning.

 

 

You can establish new friendships - I oddly felt it easier to talk to some people who didn't know me very well. And they have since become closer friends during this time of crisis for me. Find activities that you enjoy and reach out to people - you will be pleasantly surprised at how much support you can find.

 

Suprisingly, my coworkers all offered their support and time so it really helped to know that every work day I spend in such environment.

 

The only activity I seem to enjoy since this happened is cleaning... I've cleaned out every part of the apartment and got rid of all the things that I meant to throw away, like worn out clothes, unused makeup, broken appliances. Not sure if this means something.

 

Is there any way you can go back home? To Europe? You will have your support system there. Friends, family, and job opportunities... is this something you've thought of?

 

I thought about it. But after this time my friends are spread out and have their own lives, we've really grown apart these years and don't keep in touch. The job opportunity I was offered years ago is no longer available, plus my current job makes me happy and is probably the only thing that helps me wake up in the morning.

 

 

First ...one thing you DON`T do is move out, unless it betters you.

 

Second, you start getting your head around the idea that you DON`T need him in your life for anything.

 

And Third, you STOP with the thinking that he owe`s YOU anything, just because "you gave up everything to be with him"

 

Coopster,

I haven't even thought about moving out, mostly because I'd have nowhere to go. But I know one of us will eventually have to, and I can't afford the rent at our current place on my own. Whereas it won't be a problem for him.

 

He's all I know, all I'm used to, I don't know how to be without him in my life or where to start.

 

I feel like deserve an explanation and truth, that's all I need.

[BlackSwanMan]

"The only activity I seem to enjoy since this happened is cleaning... I've cleaned out every part of the apartment and got rid of all the things that I meant to throw away, like worn out clothes, unused makeup, broken appliances. Not sure if this means something"

 

You are nesting - cleaning physical crap out of your life to represent the emotional crap you are dealing with.

 

You are also preparing (in a very minor way) for someone else to enter your life at some point in the future.

 

Be active, be social.

[MsOptimist]

I cleaned a ton in the first 2 weeks of when this bomb was dropped too. For me I think I was preparing things for when I moved out - getting rid of useless things and mentally taking inventory and getting organized. It also kept me busy in the beginning.

[GuyInLimbo]

I am starting to think that I lost who I am, or was, that I no longer know what makes me happy.

 

This happens easily, because you don't notice it for a long time until it's "too late" or some crisis arises. That's why it's so important for people to have hobbies, go out with friends, etc. If you don't take care of your passions, you become miserable. And, like in your case and many others, you're left with nothing when the ONE focus of your life leaves.

[MsOptimist]

I want to add that, as far as finding stuff to do, things aren't going to seem "fun" to consider doing.

 

I remember the first week that my bomb was dropped, I had a previously scheduled lunch date with former co-workers. Immediately I thought, "I can't go, I might cry, won't be myself, don't know how I can laugh and smile and have fun." But I knew that my therapist told me that I very much needed to reach out to people during all of this, and these people were good friends of mine.

 

So I agreed to still go, and discreetly told 2 of my former co-workers what was going on. They let me cry a little before the others arrived, and then we proceeded to have a nice lunch and I did laugh and smile - and it felt good to do that.

 

In the beginning you'll have to force yourself to get out there, but it will get easier the more you do it (at least it has for me). Whether it be lunch/dinner with friends, seeing a movie with friends, grabbing coffee, join a fitness group, take a cooking class - I urge you to go and try something, even if the thought of it doesn't sound appealing right away.

[stillafool]

 

 

He's all I know, all I'm used to, I don't know how to be without him in my life or where to start.

 

 

Don't ever let this happen to you again. Have your own friends in addition to a bf. This may have been one of the reasons that lead to your breakup. Being someones 'everything' is unattractive and too much responsibility for most people.