Just saw my ex during no-contact

[property]

Okay, before I start with the current situation, let me briefly explain my relationship, breakup, and the start of no contact.

 

I have been always searching for "the One." One perfect woman to fall in love with and start a family with. I fell in love with an old high school crush that had been divorced and out of a few failed relationships. I met her again when I was 22. We hit it off quick, and unlike other girls - she wasn't turned off by my views. She thought it was great that I was a virgin and she thought I was living my life right. One night we kissed, and she made the first moves. That told me she wanted to be the one. Our relationship went perfectly for a month. There was nothing wrong with this girl that I could find. The only thing that made me nervous is that we started having sex more than doing other things that we used to love. She took my virginity with her first moves, so that also told me that she was in it for good.

Anyways, fast forward another month and the relationship is falling apart. She left for a week on a trip to Canada. She came back acting kind of weird. When she came back, we kissed and sat together holding each other and talking. She would say "I have missed you" and when I said "I have missed you too" she would say "I don't think you have..." Anyways, things got weirder. She started canceling dates on me, and avoiding all situations which could lead to sex.

Finally, after my heart began to ache - I confronted her and she told me that "she didn't need to be 'messing around.' She needed to save sex for the One." She went on to say "I'm not saying that you're not the One..I'm just saying I want to wait before we have sex or do anything like that anymore."

That kind of hurt, because I had basically told her the same thing when we first met...but I was okay with it. I told her SEX wouldn't make or break our relationship. However, as the weeks went on she continued cancelling and spending more time with normal friends than me. Considering how she had a lot of guy friends, it ****ed with my head. Also considering how I was never invited to such things, I started getting really emotional, crying myself to sleep. I had never been in love, and the no sex anymore - not seeing her as much, it all broke my heart and tore me apart.

I broke up with her on her birthday after she told me she wasn't doing ANYTHING at all on that day. I had a gift and everything, but my heart was broken enough that I wanted to hurt her the best I could. She wanted to be friends and said "maybe we can work things out."

 

The break-up has been three months ago, and it has been up and down since then. We have had three major fights since then. We would get mad at each other, go on ignoring sprees, and then say things like "I wish I never met you" and "I hate you"...then we make up and become friends again. She always has kind of messed with my mind during this friend period. She goes on periods of giving me tons of attention...telling me how much she misses me and how she wishes I were right with her (IN BED). Then she goes on periods of giving me no attention at all, and act like I'm bugging her. Enough of this led me to getting mad two weeks ago. I got mad and started ignoring her. I did a lot of thinking and realized I wanted to move on with my life and date someone else.

 

I wrote her a long 20-some-odd page letter about everything I felt. Why I ended the relationship. EVERYTHING I ever felt was in this letter.

My friends all told me I was an idiot if I gave it to her...but I dropped it in her mailbox. I called her and told her I had something for her, but she went off and said "I want nothing from you. You aren't allowed at my house. Thanks anyways." But she found it in her mailbox and responded a few days later via text telling me that some things simply weren't true. She told me she had everything I ever gave her and she ended the letter with "I am going to keep the 'book' you left me as a reminder to never get involved with anyone else, ever. All of the pain I have caused you and all of the pain you have caused me. I won't be forgetting of it. Never have in the first place. Never forgot the good times either."

I responded with telling her it meant a lot that she kept everything, and ended a long text with "I'm glad you read the book. I wasn't worried about length when I wrote it. I won't forget the good times and I for sure will never forget the pain."

 

She sent me nothing back. No good-bye. Nothing. The letter detailed having no contact. It was pretty harsh towards the end, and ended with "You were right. You aren't worth it. The pain outweighs the happiness. I never want to see or hear from you again."

 

Our last text exchange was October 6th, and that is only 11 days - but today, I saw her. I had been working hard on getting over her in the past week. I have burned everything she ever gave me. I've deleted all pictures. Deleted all message history. Deleted her number (but it's programmed into my mind).

 

Anyways, she didn't see me. I have gotten a new truck since we last saw each other and I saw her as I drove through town. She was on her way to the grocery store. I have been honestly been afraid of seeing her, afraid I would see her happy - with someone else maybe...but she didn't look happy. She just looked depressed.

 

Anyways, seeing her has reminded me of how much I loved her and still want her. I mean, she was the first woman I have fell in love with and I made a promise to myself that I would have one and only. My brain, my friends, and my family are telling me to move on and remember the pain of the breakup - but my heart is reminding me of the happiness I felt and how it was me that really ended the relationship.

 

I guess I'm starting to feel like I have a now or never period to go back after her. I am feeling a slight jolt of confidence, but there is still a lot of fear built up inside. Fear of not being able to get a hold of her. Fear of being ignored or what if she changed her number?

 

Sometimes I think of her being totally over me and not thinking about me. If she truly wanted me, wouldn't she try to contact me or at least say good-bye? That makes me think she doesn't care and she enjoys this.

BUT also, I'm thinking what if she is thinking the same thing? What if she is waiting for me to call or text her?

[NavyAirTraffic]

Question, have you guys ever had sex since she came back from Canada?

[property]

No, we did the night she left. It was a church mission trip and when she came back, she started volunteering like all the time. She also started pressuring me to be more religious, which kind of contributed to the breakup. But not as much as the no sex and hardly ever seeing her.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Ok, idk then sorry. Usually this, not sleeping with you, is because they cheated but that doesn't sound like the case here. Maybe she felt like she was sinning, this is a tough one. Your relationship sounded volitile, especially after she got back so I don't know why you'd want to try again. She also stopped hanging out with, inviting you out, spending time with you. No real advice sorry, of you feel so strongly about being with her then go for it.

 

Just remember that you broke up with her once over how you were treated. Do you really want to go back to that?

[veggirl]

She checked out long ago, no I don't think she is feeling the same way as you sorry to say.

 

How long did you actually date? It sounds like only a few months. I am baffled that "deserved" a 20 page letter!!!

 

She knows how you feel...she didn't care and she still doesnt...

[property]

Yeah I don't think she cheated on me, at least I hope not. That would rip me to shreds. While she was gone I went partying with some friends, and she called me while we were out - and she seemed a little aggrevated that I was out having fun...and when she got back she did make those little comments of me not missing her, so I've also thought that maybe she was afraid I cheated. But she never asked or accused.

 

And @veggirl, that is absolutely true and my friends have been trying to tell me the same thing. We only dated for a little over two months. The letter was something that came from my heart, so I wrote and I wrote. A close friend of mine told me NOT to send it at all - but sending it went better than both of us thought. It put some things at ease for me, because I thought something was wrong with me and she told me there wasn't anything wrong with me (talking sexual here).

 

Every person in my life who knows this story constantly drills me on being as they call "a pussy." I think the only thing that attaches me so strongly to her is how our first month of dating went. I had never had anything like that in my life. And like my friends say, she was my first...and since then my only. They say I need to go out and get laid, but I don't want that. When I was with her, I programmed myself to think she could be the only one I had sex with. I'm afraid if I had a one-nighter with someone I would turn into a person that did that all the time, and lose the ability to have a stable relationship.

 

I always try to see the best. I had a friend that lost his girl after three months, and they went for four-five months of not seeing each other and trying to date others. Anyways, he thought he was over her until he got real messed up and emotional and somehow worked things out with her. That's been a year ago and now they're married. I just want a story like that lol.

 

I thank you two for the advice, and I'm going to do some soul searching in the next day and decide if I should contact her or not. I'm thinking about maybe a HAY text on Friday. Then if things go badly or if she ignores me, I can go out Friday night - have fun and keep it off my mind. Then I would for sure know it's done and not have the "what if" thoughts for weeks to come.

[NavyAirTraffic]

You broke up with her so if you're going to do it do it right! She might be in this forum and might have read the "breadcrumbs" threads. Don't give her breadcrumbs. If she's looking for reconciliation "hey" won't get it done.

[property]

You're right. Considering how it was my idea to start no-contact, I should call and just speak from the heart. Maybe see if she'll have coffee or something sometime. Tell her I didn't mean she wasn't worth it.

 

I mean, if I didn't care I wouldn't be thinking about her all the time. And if I find out she cares, I can find a path towards happiness. If I found out she doesn't care, I can stop caring for her and again - find a path towards happiness. Win win.

[property]

I figured that I would give an update.

 

I did contact her. I had an elaborate plan involving her favorite type of flowers and a big sorry...but it all went horribly wrong because she is seeing someone else now. That woke me up and I'm realizing I need to listen to my brain more than my heart.

 

I expected it to hurt more than it did...but now I just realize it's over 100%. This time last week I thought there was hope. I kept thinking "maybe she is thinking about me right now", "maybe she's checking the phone just as much as me to see if I've called texted." I even felt guilt. I kind of thought maybe she was heartbroken and hurting. But, she wasn't...and she isn't. She's blowing some other fella.

 

So the guilt and feelings of regret have just turned into emptiness. I realize I wasted a lot of time. This is a lesson well-learned and a mistake I will for sure never make again.