GF Spends Too Much Time with Male Friend

[Mateo A.]

A couple of days ago my GF had two of her close male friends over her house. This initially made me jealous but I kept it to myself and eventually calmed down--remembering to trust her.

 

The three of them hung out for awhile until one of them had to leave for some reason, leaving my GF alone with the one other boy (who I've never met). I did my best to avoid sounding jealous by asking what they were doing and respect her privacy. But after a couple of hours went by with no response, I anxiously texted her, "Are you alone yet?" in which she replied, "Not yet." It was about 10 o'clock at night when this happened.

 

I then continued to wait for her friend to leave... and wait... and wait. Until I finally started dosing off. So I texted her again, "I'm starting to get tired." I got no response. I waited an hour and texted her again, "Goodnight." Again, no response. I woke up to go pee two hours later, in which I texted her again, this time just a bunch of exclamation points, in shock that she still hadn't responded yet. I still got no response. By this time, I had already assumed the worst had happened: she was cheating on me.

 

She didn't text me until 4 in the morning, saying that her friend had JUST left. I didn't even respond back because I was so angry at her. She ignored me for a whole eight hours for her male friend. She included in the text that she was sorry and that she'd tell me "everything that happened tomorrow." This also raised a red flag. Why couldn't she just tell me what happened immediately? To give her time to think of a cover story perhaps?

 

Anyway, the next morning she tells me that the two of them spent the whole night talking and playing the piano together (which is more or less of a romantic thing to do with someone who you're just friends with), and that her phone died so she didn't get my texts. When I told her how uncomfortable the whole situation made me, she said that she didn't do anything with him and that I should trust her. I responding with something like, "How can I trust you if you ignore me for 8 hours?"

 

I'm willing to believe that her phone died but she knew I was waiting for her yet she didn't stop for two second to charge her phone and let me know what's going on.

 

She doesn't feel guilty about anything that she did. But at the same time, I'm not asking her to feel guilty--just for her to understand why her hanging out with a boy, in her house, until 4 o'clock in the morning makes me super uncomfortable.

 

She asked me if I really, really, REALLY thought she did "something" with her friend and I couldn't give her a straight answer. After I thought about it, and analyzed how hurt I feel by what happened, I came to the conclusion that she's lost my trust and it's going to take some time for me to give it to her again. If she had just taken a few seconds to text me in between, I wouldn't be as hurt or upset.

 

What I want to know is, do I have good enough reason to 1) feel uncomfortable, 2) not trust her anymore and 3) feel like my toes are getting stepped on by her male friend.

Edited October 18, 2012 by Mateo A.

[meeji]

Maybe she is innocent and nothing happened but the lack of communication makes her look suspicious. I would let it slide because phones do die sometimes at the worst times. Explain to her that if it happens again and continues to happen you will confront her about it but she needs to keep the communication open, especially when she's with guys at unreasonable hours.

 

As for the piano thing... I disagree with you. Artists and musicians get their inspiration whenever it comes. We can't control that. Creativity is very impulsive and being around other people can be inspiring. I believe her story. I can paint for hours and 12 hours feels like one.

 

Just be honest about your feelings and concerns with her and set some boundaries if you need to but try to see her side of it too.

[bluegreen]

It does not sound all innocent but neither does it sound like foul play

You are only one who knows her best inside and out did she ever cheated before does she has habit of lying is she flirty and needy if any of this is true then you might be right.

 

But there is always first time to so talk to her face to face if she lies you will be able to see it and feel it if she does not tell her kindly not to repeat her behavior it hurt you made you feel disrespected and provoked jealousy in you.

 

 

Let us know how it went ...

[Mateo A.]

Maybe she is innocent and nothing happened but the lack of communication makes her look suspicious. I would let it slide because phones do die sometimes at the worst times. Explain to her that if it happens again and continues to happen you will confront her about it but she needs to keep the communication open, especially when she's with guys at unreasonable hours.

 

You're absolutely right. Communication is key for any relationship.

 

As for the piano thing... I disagree with you. Artists and musicians get their inspiration whenever it comes. We can't control that. Creativity is very impulsive and being around other people can be inspiring. I believe her story. I can paint for hours and 12 hours feels like one.

 

Your'e right about the creative part. However, for her to say they were playing the piano "together" leads me to believe it was more intimate than just jamming out with a few friends. Maybe I'm overreacting but to me two people playing one piano is very romantic. You see it in movies all the time (lol).

 

Just be honest about your feelings and concerns with her and set some boundaries if you need to but try to see her side of it too.

 

How do I set boundaries without making it seem like I'm trying to controlling her life? Because I'm not and I don't want to.

Edited October 18, 2012 by Mateo A.

[meeji]

About the piano thing.....

Even if she had a thing for this guy, that doesn't mean it was a romantic thing. Maybe you watch too much tv. If your girl slipped on some sexyy lingirie and rubbed him down with baby oil in a candle lit room, that's romantic. Think of it like this, if your friends come over and you end up playing halo reach with the last guy that's left after they all go home and you guys get really into it and the dude stays late or even spends to night because time got away from him it wouldn't be so different. (Of course he went home and bc she is a girl with a boyfriend, staying over would cross the line.)

 

But...

As I said before, if she us used to playing alone she could have easily just enjoyed the fact of having someone else to collaborate with. I really feel like you are going overboard with this piano thing...and I suggest that if you really feel thhat strange about it (something is wrong, musicians practice together all the time) and 2:learn to play the piano so you can play with her.

 

Let me know how romantic it is and if you both end up hot and bothered in the bedroom after each session. What happens in tv is written by a writer....its not always comparable to real life.. as mentione before, I'm an artist. I do ceramics too and just because I watched the movie ghost,I don't think its romantic thing to sculpt clay with some....unless you're both naked and sculpting each other....another story. Catch my drift?

 

Tell you how you feel and what is causing you to feel that way. Make suggestions for thing that would make you feel differently about it.

Ex:

"I felt really insecure the night he came over. When I tried to contact you and you didn't respond it just made my mind wander to think of what you could be doing and I got concerned. When these kinds of feelings arise, it makes me wonder if I can trust you

100%. It would make me feel better if xxx ...."

 

Hope that helps.

[umirano]

What I want to know is, do I have good enough reason to 1) feel uncomfortable, 2) not trust her anymore and 3) feel like my toes are getting stepped on by her male friend.

 

1) Yes you do. Reason: It does not seem like this is normal behavior for her or you.

 

2) It is reasonable that your trust level sinks. Let her know this, and make sure she understands why. If she can't see at all where you are coming from this time, and if it happens another time, I see a big fight and hurt feelings in my crystal bowl.

 

3) You have no evidence for that (if you are referring to physical acts). But: See 2). It's an LDR after all. LDR require special measures because naturally they are more difficult and more fragile than non-LD relationships. Both of you should take this into account.

 

In the LDR I'm in, I don't think either of us would approve of the other having an opposite sex friend over late at night.

Jealousy is a relationship poison that's much more easy to inject and than to get rid off. People should consider this, whatever they do while in a relationship.

[ms_daisy21]

A couple of days ago my GF had two of her close male friends over her house. This initially made me jealous but I kept it to myself and eventually calmed down--remembering to trust her.

 

Smart.

 

I woke up to go pee two hours later, in which I texted her again, this time just a bunch of exclamation points, in shock that she still hadn't responded yet. I still got no response. By this time, I had already assumed the worst had happened: she was cheating on me.

 

I get that it was late, but it seems odd that you immediately jumped to this conclusion. Has she given you a reason before this to not trust her so much?

 

She didn't text me until 4 in the morning, saying that her friend had JUST left. I didn't even respond back because I was so angry at her.

 

She was thoughtful enough to text you back once her friend left, after your whole explanation point tantrum and you didn't respond?

 

She included in the text that she was sorry and that she'd tell me "everything that happened tomorrow." This also raised a red flag. Why couldn't she just tell me what happened immediately? To give her time to think of a cover story perhaps?

You really jump to conclusions quickly. She might have also decided to call you in the morning because it was 4am and she was tired.

 

Anyway, the next morning she tells me that the two of them spent the whole night talking and playing the piano together (which is more or less of a romantic thing to do with someone who you're just friends with),

 

Not that romantic.

 

and that her phone died so she didn't get my texts.

 

My phone dies all the time.

 

When I told her how uncomfortable the whole situation made me, she said that she didn't do anything with him and that I should trust her.

 

It doesn't sound like you do trust her. If I were her I would be extremely hurt by your response to all of this.

 

I'm willing to believe that her phone died but she knew I was waiting for her yet she didn't stop for two second to charge her phone and let me know what's going on.

 

It died. How was she supposed to know that it was dead? She probably went to check it when her friend left, noticed it was dead, and went to charge it so she could text you before bed. Pretty thoughtful, actually.

 

She doesn't feel guilty about anything that she did. But at the same time, I'm not asking her to feel guilty--just for her to understand why her hanging out with a boy, in her house, until 4 o'clock in the morning makes me super uncomfortable.

 

I wouldn't feel guilty either. In fact, if my boyfriend were to pull this stunt with me it would get nasty. If I want to hang out with a friend that happens to be a guy, that's MY BUSINESS. Not his. I would never stick with a man would tried to control me this way. And that is exactly what you're doing the instant you try and put up rules about who she can spend time with and when.

 

If you love her, then you should trust her. He's just a friend. I have hung out with guy friends without my boyfriend about a zillion times. We even do things I'm sure you would probably classify as romantic, like seeing movies and taking cooking/dancing classes together. Doesn't mean I'm sleeping with them. My boyfriend understands that. Just like how I understand that he likes to spend time with women that aren't me.

 

If I were you, I would apologize and try to give her a bit more credit. Maybe meet the friend. That might put your mind at ease. Try to be nice.

[umirano]

I get that it was late, but it seems odd that you immediately jumped to this conclusion. Has she given you a reason before this to not trust her so much?

I don't think this is normal in their relationship, why else would Mateo end up here? Or, Mateo, is it a fresh relationship?

 

 

You really jump to conclusions quickly. She might have also decided to call you in the morning because it was 4am and she was tired.

Mateo didn't jump to a conclusion. He said it raises a red flag for him. And imo he's got a point. She could have said right in that text what was going on. What happened here is probably that she sensed that the OP was having a hard time and she didn't know what to do and wanted to calm things down. Which in turn would indicate that she didn't do anything and did not try to cover up anything. Mateo, do you and your GF have frequent phone calls?

 

 

Not that romantic.

For you.

 

My phone dies all the time.

Yeah, though it seems to me that for some people their phone dies much less often than for others. And some people, when they were just texting somebody, check there phone after 20 min or so, so that they could see it died. But the quality of the infrastructure (coverage, black outs) ofc greatly influences communication.

 

It doesn't sound like you do trust her. If I were her I would be extremely hurt by your response to all of this.

That's at least as bad as being overly jealous. I don't think it is hard for her to understand where he's coming from. And she should appreciate he cares so much. I agree wit you ms_daisy though, that the OP should have reacted in a calmer manner.

 

OP, in my opinion, keeping your cool only helps you. You can see more clearly what's going on (if she's telling the truth or not) and it makes you look more serious and more reliable, and thus, if your GF is any good, more attractive.

 

 

It died. How was she supposed to know that it was dead?

By checking it? She knew he texted her. Depending on their rituals it was normal for him to expect her to text back before he'd fall asleep.

 

She probably went to check it when her friend left, noticed it was dead, and went to charge it so she could text you before bed. Pretty thoughtful, actually.

Isn't this just common courtesy?

 

I wouldn't feel guilty either.

It's not about guilt, in my opinion. But if she can't see why the OP felt that way then they do have a problem. That's an aspect of any relationship, both partners should agree on.

 

In fact, if my boyfriend were to pull this stunt with me it would get nasty. If I want to hang out with a friend that happens to be a guy, that's MY BUSINESS. Not his.

Are you saying, you don't and will never care who your BF spends time with, and for how long and how he communicates about it with you?

 

I would never stick with a man would tried to control me this way. And that is exactly what you're doing the instant you try and put up rules about who she can spend time with and when.

Where did the OP give you the impression he controlled her? He didn't tell her what to do. He wanted to know what's going on and he didn't like what he observed (which was little), but she didn't really help him to stay calm. As I said, in an LDR you need to be a bit more careful. If a partner is left uninformed for a longer period of time, naturally the mind starts going places. Especially if the relationship is fresh or if they just went through a rough patch. He was unsure what's going on. His reaction was questionable, but not the fact that he was uncomfortable in the first place. I am assuming having an opposite sex friend over for a whole night is not something that is common in their relationship. But maybe this topic never came up up until now. So now OP and his GF got to agree on something in this regard.

 

If you love her, then you should trust her.

Yes, you can't base your assessment of the relationship solely on your mistrust. Because people also make mistakes when suspecting, not only when trusting.

 

He's just a friend. I have hung out with guy friends without my boyfriend about a zillion times. We even do things I'm sure you would probably classify as romantic, like seeing movies and taking cooking/dancing classes together. Doesn't mean I'm sleeping with them. My boyfriend understands that. Just like how I understand that he likes to spend time with women that aren't me.

OP, clarify with your GF what kind of activities with opposite sex friends are ok and which ones are not. This is different in every relationship. And by 'clarifying' I mean, have an open and calm talk. It's mutual. Find out what she thinks is ok what's not, and possibly why. Tell her about your taboos and why you have them. And then, I'm pretty sure you can rebuild trust.

[bluegreen]

This kind of relationship demands time effort tolerance respect and common courtesy just to begin with as someone said this girl did not gave any of that to him she actually had spend all of that on "someone else that night".

 

 

She knew he would get jealous worried and concerned and yet did nothing

why not ?

[KraftDinner]

My opinion: doesn't sound like cheating, necessarily. She could have lied about the whole night, right? Likely would have said she was with a girl or something if she was cheating. So I kind of doubt it was.

 

But it was disrespectful and inconsiderate.

 

Piano isn't that romantic, haha!

[Lady Chrissy]

Ok here is my opinion.

 

1. You have a right to feel uncomfortable, because if my boyfriend was with another girl really late a night and was "ignoring me" I would freak out and probably lose my mind a little bit. That is understandable. However, once he explained to me what happened, (Dead phone, playing piano) I would calm down a little. Have her tell you she will tell you what happened in the morning is more likely her saying that she is tired and would rather talk in the moring (Not make up a cover story).

 

(Hint: Call her phone to see if it goes straight to voice mail, if it does her phone is probably dead)

 

2. She hasn't done anything wrong for you not to trust her. Once you talk to her, let her know how you feel, tel lher that you want her to hang out with her friends and have fun but remember to check in with you everyone once and a while to let you know how things are going, and in a a way reconnect. Btu don't you dare turn it into a stalking or monitering. Just to help you feel better when they are guys at her house, over time you will be more comfortable with it and it wont bother you so much.

 

3. Umm not really, as long as she is not spending EVERY single night with her friends like that then there shouldn't be a problem.

 

What she needs to do is be more open to the fact that guys staying that late makes you uncomfortable. You guys need to talk about ways to help you feel better about her guy friends and let her sill hang out with her friends without upseting you. Like checking in with each other, talking about your day, ect. But also know, things can look really bad but if there i a good explination for everything and you are able to ask questions without her frieaking out then there shouldn't be a problem (Only for the first few times)

 

Hope this helps

[Carenth]

Now I'm not going to pretend to know the inns and out of your relationship but my opinion is you are been way too needy and well don't seem trustful at all to begin with.

 

Has she done anything in the past to cause you to think she would cheat on you at the drop of a hat? Or is it that you are just uncomfortable she has male friends.

 

The first I could understand, but if it is the second of her just having male friends then I'm feel that is your insecurities showing. Getting upset because she didn't reply in the time frame you demanded is kind of childish imo.

 

Now I know a lot of people are pretty much tied to their phones 24/7 these days and expect replies in 5 seconds or the world has collapsed. It is possible that you know she is telling the truth her phone went dead or heaven forbid she didn't have her phone on her because I know that crap happens to me all the time.

 

Now I believe communication is very important in LDR, however I also believe that you should be allowed to spend time with your friends without your partner getting pissy at you. Unless this sort of stuff if happening all the time?

 

My GF and I tell each other what we are doing if we are going out with friends then we basically say "ok have fun" or something similar and neither of us blinks and eyelid after that. No need for hourly "checkups" demanding to know what is going on that is seriously insecure.

 

Generally we just very casually talk about how each other’s nights were and such the day after. My girlfriend is currently out having dinner with her friends as I write this (friends I've never met and I'm sure there will be male friends there) do I care not in the slightest. Because I trust her.

 

So to answer your questions imo.

 

1) Yeah you have the right to feel uncomfortable sure, if you blow up in future like you did when she is hanging out with her friends. Don't be surprised if you push her away, that's something you need to talk to her about but don't expect her to react well if you try telling her who she can and can't see.

 

2) Once again I don't know if anything else in your relationship has happened to make you question her loyalty but this seems pretty extreme to me I see it as pretty much a non-event.

 

3) No that's just you been insecure imo, would you have cared if it was a female friend instead? Exactly.