Ex girlfriend of 6 years just turns up to his house.

[Ladygator]

Just wondering what others think...

 

I'm 20. Good job, car, home.

He's 25. Excellent job, car(s), home.

 

I've had one longer-term relationship.

His last one, and the one I'm concerned with, was six years long and they lived together for 5.

 

We've been seeing one another for 3 months, no talk of a relationship together per se, but it is very relationship-y.

 

I've been used before and this has not felt like the previous times at all. In the beginning it felt pretty much FWB but progressed into more without a hassle.

 

It started off FWB style, except with me staying the night and leaving the next morning after he left for work.

Then we went out one weekend, and were pretty much inseperable since. It's been me virtually living with him. Cooking,

cleaning, laundry. A routine; he gets up for work early, kisses me, has a shower, gets dressed, comes back and cuddles me

for 5 minutes before he leaves. Texts me throughout the day.

 

There has never been an arguement or a tense moment. He's very simple minded and easy going. I'm pretty chill, too.

 

I've met his parents and he's met mine. Both times were organised "would you like to meet them?" style.

 

Sex was a good indicator of the change between us. It was from rougher, more handling, tense kisses, to, after we went out that weekend and I started staying every night, soft, lingering, more gentle and caring. His kisses softened more often.

 

One night after particularly good sex after a month in, he just said "you're welcome anytime. you pour me beer, you're a great cook and make me steak, you're hot, you **** like a champion, you know a little about cars, and you're

not annoying as hell. Where have you been?" The conversations have even softened since then. He calls me pretty. He strokes me all the time. He's nice. He has stroked my cheek and said "I like you a lot." I like him a lot too and he's been good for me.

 

When I was on a contract job in a nice little tourist town, in a nice apartment, he got sick. He was with me that night and

I took him to hospital, they couldn't quite tell. He went home (it's a 2 1/2 drive) and the next night, ended up in emergency with appendicitis. He text me saying "I'm on the truck, I'm pretty crook, what should I do?" Told him to call his boss and sent his butt to hospital.

 

That night after work for me, I drove back the 2 1/2 hours just before he went into surgery. I stayed with him until he actually went into theatre and drove back to his house to get fresh clothes for him instead of his work clothes.

 

I got back and waited until he was ready. I had written a note for him in case it was too late and I needed to drive the 2 1/2 hours back home to work (it's about 1am now, I started at 5). I folded his clothes in order and placed the note on top, I put his phone charger in and within easy access for him and waited in the lounge for him.

 

The nurse came in and got me and told me he was awake so I went to his room. He had the note on his lap and couldn't believe I was still there.

 

I cuddled his chest and he took his oxygen mask off to kiss me. He couldn't stop saying thankyou for being there.

 

I stayed until he passed out on the morphine drip (about 2:30?am). I drove back.

 

After he'd recovered some, he drove out to the apartment I had and we spent the week together there. Dinner every night, never an issue with money, just enjoying the time together. When my contract was up he drove there to pick me up and drive me back.

 

It's just been nice and easy and relaxed and good. Very together.

 

Recently I was out and he text me asking if I was coming back tonight to make him dinner. I replied "you're the man, you tell

me! " he said "well, I don't want to smother you so it's your choice... I'm easy." I giggled and replied "dickhead, it's me

at your house. If anything it's the other way around."

 

"So that's a yes? "

 

Now, his ex. This happened last night. I made dinner, desert, it was lovely. I was cuddling him on the couch and the door knocked.

He pushed up and looked through the window. He looks back, worried, "It's (his ex)."

 

Which was my cue, somehow I knew, to go hide in the back room.

I don't care they were together for six years, that's definitely being shafted isn't it?

 

I waited the 40 minutes until she was gone. In that time 5 minutes after she turned up there was a facebook message from him saying "i'm so so sorry for this, I didn't know." He came in when she left and tried to smile and said "heeey missymoo, I'm sorry, I really didn't know she was coming." (he didn't, she'd just rocked up because she's finally gotten her license).

 

This was the first time he's ever seen me pissed off. I just said "it's ok, I'm going to go home, though."

He asked if I was okay, "you look like you're about to lose your ****."

I just said no, it's fine, I'll get a ride home in a minute.

(he picked me up the week before so my car was still at my technical home.)

 

He was obviously nervous and trying to play light.

"Okay well come out in the lounge."

"No, thankyou, I'll stay here and wait for my ride."

 

He came in twice more getting progressively more worried. I could hear him in the lounge where he thumped down on the couch for the final time and said "****."

 

When the person picking me up got there, I grabbed my jacket and said "ride's here, seeya."

He didn't look at me and said "talk to you later then."

 

Haven't heard from him yet. It wasn't technically a relationship so I'm worried I won't hear from him again.

 

Did I overreact in leaving? He asked me to stay.

I didn't fight, I just hung my head and lowered my voice and said that I can't.

No one yelled or raised their voices, but it had to be obvious I was pissed off.

I think he just panicked, they were together for 6 years and she obviously doesn't know about me. Otherwise I wouldn't have been shafted into the back room. They've been separated for a year. They still text but it's rare. I didn't hear anything through the hallway that suggested they were interested in one another as anything more than friends. Neither of us have ever seen the other in any less of a relaxed state so this is very new for me.

 

TL;DR - relaxed 3 month non-relationship (not technically dating), met each others friends and parents, virtually living together, his ex of 6 years turned up unexpected, I was shafted to the back room, I left, upset. Haven't heard from him since.

[kaylan]

Dont talk to this guy anymore.

 

If an ex just showed up out of the blue when Im with a new girl, Id tell the ex to get lost. Hes disrespectful and doesnt behave like a guy who likes you much.

 

This sounds like the beginning of a lot of drama to me. Dont deal with someone who hasnt cut off their exes completely.

Edited October 18, 2012 by kaylan

[mesmerized]

You cook for him almost every night without even being in a relationship??? You're too easy and no challenge, probably not worth fighting for in his mind.

[geegirl]

You bend backwards, forwards, sideways and turn yourself around for this guy and after 3 months, still in a "I-like-you-non-relationship" and then hides you in the broom closet?

[Leigh 87]

It is great that you are nice and like to look after the guys you are with, but doing it too early can lead to a false sence of being in a relationship, when the guy may have no such desire.

 

And just because he does not like you enough to make you his girlfriend and tell his ex to go away, does not mean he TOTALLY does not care about you, or like you on ANY level.

People here are a bit harsh about this..

People here will allude that he does not even like you much at all. Buthe did want you at the hospital for support, he did like having you around, and I am sure he DID appreciate all you have done for him.

 

I doubt he does not care about you AT ALL lol... The way people here make out.

But yes, the others are right in that he does not like you ENOUGH for what you have done.

While I am sure he appreciates things, he does not feel strongly enough to make you his girlfriend, or to make it clear to his ex.

 

It has been a year since his ex, that is ample time to move on and tell her about it.

[Leigh 87]

And based on you just being cool and yourself, plenty of guys would want to make you their girlfriend by now without you having done ANY of that stuff for them that you did for this guy.

[tigressA]

Dump. Him.

[phineas]

You cook for him almost every night without even being in a relationship??? You're too easy and no challenge, probably not worth fighting for in his mind.

 

Challenge is just another word for games.

You tell her this & she may take your advice to heart & blow with a guy who is genuine because she decided to be a "challenge" to him.

 

OP, you should dump him.If any woman i'm dating had done this i'd be gone.

I have a rule.

NO EX's.

 

Period.

[2sunny]

He hid you in the back room and YOU WENT ALONG WITH THAT? Why?

 

His EX was the intruder - why were you treated like you weren't supposed to be there?

 

Why didn't YOU SPEAK UP?

 

Why are you spoiling him - HE should be dating and wooing YOU at this stage of seeing him.

 

YOU ALLOWED him to use you - and now it looks like he's going to get back with his ex.

 

Learn from what you've done - don't do it that way again.

 

You've allowed him to treat you like a doormat.

 

And next time- when YOU don't like it - speak up!

[veggirl]

Wowwwww hiding you away like a dirty secret while he shoots the **** with his ex for 40 min?! DEALBREAKER! That's soo disrespectful and in that moment he showed you what he truly thinks of you

[Ladygator]

Such a shame, it felt like a really nice relaxed budding relationship.

Something to think about, I guess.

[2sunny]

Such a shame, it felt like a really nice relaxed budding relationship.

Something to think about, I guess.

 

It was budding FOR HIM!

 

What about YOU?

 

Next time you date a guy - have HIM make a TON of EFFORT FOR YOU!

 

Sop participating on a level that looks desperate for a guy to stay with you - only to allow him to treat you like crap!

 

He can do his own damn laundry! He can clean his own place! He can cook FOR YOU!

 

If he's not making effort for you - don't see him anymore!

 

And if/when this douche calls you - DON'T RESPOND!

[2sunny]

Such a shame, it felt like a really nice relaxed budding relationship.

Something to think about, I guess.

 

Why aren't you flaming mad?

[Ladygator]

Why aren't you flaming mad?

 

I'm just a bit upset. I'm not/never was his girlfriend, no guidelines were ever set, so it's not my place to be angry at him, unfortunately.

[veggirl]

Plus after 3 months and ALLLLLL this time spent together, why hasn't he asked you to be his girlfriend?

 

Red flags all OVER the place.

 

Of course he loves having you around, you do everything for him. He doesn't have to do ANYTHING. And then you hide in the back room so he can entertain his ex. Please tell us you are done with this guy?

[2sure]

If he calls in 24 hours profusely apologizing and begging for you to be in an exclusive and defined relationship , you might consider it. But nothing less than all of that. It's possible he just panicked . He didn't ask you to hide, you just did. Maybe He wonders why? 24 hours. Apologies. Begging.

[veggirl]

I'm just a bit upset. I'm not/never was his girlfriend, no guidelines were ever set, so it's not my place to be angry at him, unfortunately.

 

Wow you are WAY too passive. No wonder he did something like this! It doesn't matter if you are his girlfriend! He is dating you, you said yourself you practically live with him (inappropriate so early on btw, esp with no committment) and you do everything for him.

 

Even if you were just his FRIEND, it is rude as fk and totally disrespectful for him to HIDE you while he chats with his ex.

 

Geez! You don't have to write out those guidelines, they are common courtesy! (not to mention he hasn't even called to apologize)

[Ladygator]

Very much appreciated for the perspective, everyone. I told mum and she was devo'd, she really liked him and told me I really over-reacted. I don't know why he hadn't yet, I'm guessing he's still not over her, which I'm not okay with. I'll just drop off the face of the planet from him for a while.

[geegirl]

Have a feeling the casual response is probably because it's back on. It's not gnawing at OP anymore and all is well. I could be wrong.

 

Even if he didn't ask her to hide, when she went to hide, he should have told her to stay put, stepped to the door and dealt with ex. Instead he let her hide, then entertained the ex for 40 minutes. It's pretty clear the priority was the ex's feelings rather than OP, whom he was actively dating.

 

If you go back to him, it's time to see effort from his side. Quit washing his underwear and slapping on the apron when he wants to eat. Find balance between giving and taking. You should never let yourself get carried away with pleasing a man because you so desperately want him to see your value.

[Ladygator]

Have a feeling the casual response is probably because it's back on. It's not gnawing at OP anymore and all is well. I could be wrong.

 

Even if he didn't ask her to hide, when she went to hide, he should have told her to stay put, stepped to the door and dealt with ex. Instead he let her hide, then entertained the ex for 40 minutes. It's pretty clear the priority was the ex's feelings rather than OP, whom he was actively dating.

 

If you go back to him, it's time to see effort from his side. Quit washing his underwear and slapping on the apron when he wants to eat. Find balance between giving and taking. You should never let yourself get carried away with pleasing a man because you so desperately want him to see your value.

 

I can say honestly that it's 2:30pm and I still haven't heard from him or contacted him at all. Just used to this kind of thing happening, which probably means, yep it's me, lol.

[veggirl]

I can say honestly that it's 2:30pm and I still haven't heard from him or contacted him at all. Just used to this kind of thing happening, which probably means, yep it's me, lol.

 

It's only "you" in the sense that you allow it to happen. In the future, don't play wifey to some guy who hasn't reciprocated the effort.

[2sunny]

It's only "you" in the sense that you allow it to happen. In the future, don't play wifey to some guy who hasn't reciprocated the effort.

 

Especially when you hide while another woman shows up to stake a claim on a man you're with for the evening.

 

Why didn't you stay in the room? Why didn't you ask her why she was showing up uninvited?

 

Why didn't you ask him for answers after she left?

 

Most likely, she was there to beg him to get back together - you shokd have at least required him to tell you what the purpose of her visit included.

 

Instead you ran away without answers to questions he she have been asked.

 

Where's YOUR VOICE? Why didn't YOU speak your truth?

[Ladygator]

I know why she was there, I could hear it all easily from sitting on the bed. She'd just gotten her license, and he was the "first person she wanted to see."

 

Like I said, couldn't hear anything that sounded like she was hunting him down again, but he did "walk her to her car" which took an awfully long time. I understand it; 3 months of good doesn't make up for this 40 minutes of bad. I won't lie, however, I do want to talk to him about this, if he contacts me first. For something that has had no drama for a solid 3 months, I'd be happy to hear what he has to say.

[yongyong]

Why are you trying to sabotage their relationship?

 

Sometimes it's other people that ruins the relationship.

 

his friends will say 'your ex showed up without asking and she acted like a bitch. don't contact her till she apologizes'

 

her friends will say 'he didn't care about you. what a douche bag. don't talk to him till he apologizes'

 

What will happen when both sides listen to their friends?

 

fu-king people. sometimes you guys should stay out of other people's business.

 

do whatever you feel like you need to do, OP

 

 

 

Dont talk to this guy anymore.

 

If an ex just showed up out of the blue when Im with a new girl, Id tell the ex to get lost. Hes disrespectful and doesnt behave like a guy who likes you much.

 

This sounds like the beginning of a lot of drama to me. Dont deal with someone who hasnt cut off their exes completely.

[kaylan]

^Stay out of her business? She came here asking for advice, and I gave her some real talk. A dude whos serious about a chick wont act like homeboy was acting, and you know that.

 

Dont play dumb or naive here bro. You know whats up.