I am hopeless with girls and I'm still a virgin. I really want to change this?

October 17, 2012

I need to change this but I don't know how to. I am horrendously useless with girls. I am always nervous around them, even if they're not talking to me but to a friend. my heart starts pounding and my lips tremble. how do i get over this? i am 21 and i feel so down because everywhere i look there are damn couples walking about. it's like it's being rubbed in my face. how do i improve my confidence and get rid of the nervousness around girls? i will do anything...I just really need to know what to do.

also, I am decent looking and i'm average body. I get girls looking at me and stuff, but i'm not sure if they're attracted to me or just looking. it's annoying because my friends who are not as attractive as me have girlfriends, yet i can't manage to even meet any. this nervousness and confidence is driving me insane. i feel like i'm always going to be single. i feel like i'll be a 40 year old virgin for real

Edited October 17, 2012 by Mr_hopeless

October 17, 2012

Start talking to them and start asking them out. What do you think is the worst possible thing that is going to happen to you if they said, "No"? You are not going to die, right? Slowly you will get used to rejections and you will start landing a few as well.

October 17, 2012

The good thing is you are still only 21.

Try to find some activities, interests or courses that involve interacting with women. The best way to cure the nervousness of being around women is......well, being around women. Talk to them, continuously, and it won't be a heartstopping event anymore.

For the more subtle nuances, I would learn everything I can about attraction. How to be attractive, how to talk to women and how to alter your physical expression (touch, body language, reading body language, movement etc).

The most important thing to do for you would be to build up confidence, and you have to put yourself through the gauntlet. Try to reframe it in your mind as best you can. If you start to see talking to women as a normal thing that you do every day, then it won't be so trembling. Learn to relax.

One method I toyed with was to put a rubber band on my forearm whenever I felt anxious before doing something, and snap it against my skin, hard enough that it slightly hurt. So feeling that way would be associated with that pain on my skin and I would be forced to alter my frame of the scenario rather than the pain.

EDIT: Later said it - Don't be afraid of rejection! It happens to everyone. Just today I was rejected, albeit politely, and it didn't put a dent on my day at all .

October 17, 2012

yeah but when i start talking to a girl i feel like an idiot because i keep getting nervous around them. they obviously notice but i don't want this to ruin my chances.

October 17, 2012

and why does there always seem like there are a ton more couples when you are single? everywhere i seem to look there are couples kissing and showing pda.

October 17, 2012

yeah but when i start talking to a girl i feel like an idiot because i keep getting nervous around them. they obviously notice but i don't want this to ruin my chances.

It doesn't matter. Some girls will even think it's cute (not many, but a few).

You will be nervous around them because you don't think highly of yourself as an attractive person - like I said, you have to reframe these things in your head. Google is your friend - find some torrents or something that deal with particular issues, you can download things that will help you in this regard.

I maintain, the best way to stop being nervous with women is to keep talking to them and you will become less and less nervous.

October 17, 2012

I need to change this but I don't know how to. I am horrendously useless with girls. I am always nervous around them, even if they're not talking to me but to a friend. my heart starts pounding and my lips tremble. how do i get over this?

Practice. Talk to girls just like they are ordinary people (and when you realise that they are ordinary people you'll be about half way there).

i am 21 and i feel so down because everywhere i look there are damn couples walking about. it's like it's being rubbed in my face.

Read that back to yourself. Does it sound ridiculous? Rubbed in your face? You think those other people are coupling up just to spite you? Seriously, man up!

October 17, 2012

yeah but when i start talking to a girl i feel like an idiot because i keep getting nervous around them. they obviously notice but i don't want this to ruin my chances.

I find a guy who is nervous and shy VERY endearing.

Just keep smiling... and do the best you can.

And EXPECT rejections. Remember that every person has their own preferences and their own baggage, and just because you aren't one girl's cup of tea for whatever reason doesn't mean you are not attractive to other girls.

October 17, 2012

Practice. Talk to girls just like they are ordinary people (and when you realise that they are ordinary people you'll be about half way there).

Read that back to yourself. Does it sound ridiculous? Rubbed in your face? You think those other people are coupling up just to spite you? Seriously, man up!

that's the problem. I don't know what to talk to them about. I mean i don't have any female friends and I just about have any male friends. I guess I'm not that great at socialising in general really. it's annoying because how do people seem so confident? I can't practice when there's no girls to talk to. sometimes it seems like girls are intimidated by me. the way they act around me is sometimes awkward but it's probably me making them awkward. no i don't feel that the couples are doing it to spite me. i understand it sounds stupid but it just makes me feel even worse when i'm constantly seeing it.

October 17, 2012

that's the problem. I don't know what to talk to them about. I mean i don't have any female friends and I just about have any male friends. I guess I'm not that great at socialising in general really. it's annoying because how do people seem so confident? I can't practice when there's no girls to talk to. sometimes it seems like girls are intimidated by me. the way they act around me is sometimes awkward but it's probably me making them awkward. no i don't feel that the couples are doing it to spite me. i understand it sounds stupid but it just makes me feel even worse when i'm constantly seeing it.

Well, you need to learn to socialize more then .

Do some activities, find some interests, find what you're passionate about, share hobbies. Cultivate some goals for your life etc.

What do you want to do in general?

You might want to find out more about yourself before you worry about your virginity .

October 17, 2012

The good thing is you are still only 21.

Try to find some activities, interests or courses that involve interacting with women. The best way to cure the nervousness of being around women is......well, being around women. Talk to them, continuously, and it won't be a heartstopping event anymore.

For the more subtle nuances, I would learn everything I can about attraction. How to be attractive, how to talk to women and how to alter your physical expression (touch, body language, reading body language, movement etc).

The most important thing to do for you would be to build up confidence, and you have to put yourself through the gauntlet. Try to reframe it in your mind as best you can. If you start to see talking to women as a normal thing that you do every day, then it won't be so trembling. Learn to relax.

One method I toyed with was to put a rubber band on my forearm whenever I felt anxious before doing something, and snap it against my skin, hard enough that it slightly hurt. So feeling that way would be associated with that pain on my skin and I would be forced to alter my frame of the scenario rather than the pain.

EDIT: Later said it - Don't be afraid of rejection! It happens to everyone. Just today I was rejected, albeit politely, and it didn't put a dent on my day at all .

I understand what you are saying. it is just really emotionally tiring. I don't know where to find these girls to talk to. I work with a small group of guys in a job I don't like. The guys are okay but they're just work buddies who I don't socialise with outside of work. I work full time so that's pretty much my life at the moment. so you can understand why I don't meet any girls. And approaching girls on the street is a bit creepy don't you think? and you've got to have a lot of confidence to do that anyway.

What else did you do to gain confidence with women?

it's even more frustrating when I my friends are in serious relationships or dating....and have lost their virginity. because they are all dating and in relationships we don't spend much time going out. I've asked them if any of their girlfriends have friends but they say they'll ask and they never do. I did go on a date with one girl who was a friend of my friend's gf but i didn't really find her attractive.

October 17, 2012

You just need to get over that hurdle and start talking to them, start talking to the ones you probably don't want to date, just so you become more comfortable holding a conversation with the opposite sex. If you can't have a non-awkward conversation with a girl, you're not going to get much further than that.

Talk to them and build momentum, then drop the bombshell. "Are you busy on such and such day? We should do coffee then." It's best to phrase it like that, the proposal is a statement of fact, you SHOULD do coffee, not could, should. If she's got a boyfriend or isn't interested, she will find an excuse, if she accepts, you've got your foot in the door.

I'm a lot like you, I'm still single, but I've dedicated the past year to really working on my game with girls. I just talk to a lot of women, I've got a lot of ones I would like to date, and I feel confident in making a move on them, just I've got enough numbers to work on for now. Once you get your first number or whatever, you're laughing, it's really not that hard.

October 17, 2012

I understand what you are saying. it is just really emotionally tiring. I don't know where to find these girls to talk to. I work with a small group of guys in a job I don't like. The guys are okay but they're just work buddies who I don't socialise with outside of work. I work full time so that's pretty much my life at the moment. so you can understand why I don't meet any girls. And approaching girls on the street is a bit creepy don't you think? and you've got to have a lot of confidence to do that anyway.

Approaching girls on the street is a good way to get comfortable with the idea that rejection happens. And besides, depending on how you approach a woman will be appreciative even if she's not interested.

As for your job, I think that if your life revolves around a job you don't like, you're bound to find it emotionally tiring to know what to do next. What are your plans for your life? I mean, what do you want to do, what do you like doing, what interests do you have or want to cultivate?

I understand where you are coming from . You at the very least have a job.

What else did you do to gain confidence with women?

I talked to them. Really. I put myself in scenarios and positions where I had to talk to them. Killing a bunch of birds with the same stone really. I had interests, I took courses, I'm a musician so I have to network as well, and perform at shows where there will be girls. With more exposure, you get better at talking to them. For you right now, it's the nervous bits you need to sort out, all the other stuff about being more seductive and learning how to banter/flirt can wait a little.

Best thing you can do is put yourself in scenarios where you have to talk to girls more often, even if it's hard. See if you can find the time.

For what it's worth, I lost my virginity about a month shy of my 24th birthday - that was 2 months ago . So I know EXACTLY what you're going through, and exactly how to deal with it .

it's even more frustrating when I my friends are in serious relationships or dating....and have lost their virginity. because they are all dating and in relationships we don't spend much time going out. I've asked them if any of their girlfriends have friends but they say they'll ask and they never do. I did go on a date with one girl who was a friend of my friend's gf but i didn't really find her attractive.

Don't worry about your friends. They probably won't help you that much, all they can do is offer encouragement when they can. At least in my experience that's how it was.

Here's a tip. Get better at socializing in general and you can build a larger social circle outside of your job. Depending on what job it is, and where you want to move forward, a social circle will help you a great deal in a variety of ways, and you will find it easier to meet girls via networking.

There is tons of info out there on these subjects

October 17, 2012

Approaching girls on the street is a good way to get comfortable with the idea that rejection happens. And besides, depending on how you approach a woman will be appreciative even if she's not interested.

As for your job, I think that if your life revolves around a job you don't like, you're bound to find it emotionally tiring to know what to do next. What are your plans for your life? I mean, what do you want to do, what do you like doing, what interests do you have or want to cultivate?

I understand where you are coming from . You at the very least have a job.

I talked to them. Really. I put myself in scenarios and positions where I had to talk to them. Killing a bunch of birds with the same stone really. I had interests, I took courses, I'm a musician so I have to network as well, and perform at shows where there will be girls. With more exposure, you get better at talking to them. For you right now, it's the nervous bits you need to sort out, all the other stuff about being more seductive and learning how to banter/flirt can wait a little.

Best thing you can do is put yourself in scenarios where you have to talk to girls more often, even if it's hard. See if you can find the time.

For what it's worth, I lost my virginity about a month shy of my 24th birthday - that was 2 months ago . So I know EXACTLY what you're going through, and exactly how to deal with it .

Don't worry about your friends. They probably won't help you that much, all they can do is offer encouragement when they can. At least in my experience that's how it was.

Here's a tip. Get better at socializing in general and you can build a larger social circle outside of your job. Depending on what job it is, and where you want to move forward, a social circle will help you a great deal in a variety of ways, and you will find it easier to meet girls via networking.

There is tons of info out there on these subjects

yeah i guess so but when you're as nervous as i get...it's difficult to actually want to approach a girl. I just feel that i should be more confident than i am which is really damn irritating. i mean i'm not a totally unattractive guy. i will admit that my hair is receding but i still have a decent looking face and i've been commented on my blue eyes before. what do you think i should just go up to girls? it always seems a bit creepy. and most guys have to have really good "game" to approach attractive girls don't they?

well i have lots of interests but none i can really find a course for in my area. the last time i joined a course it was full of middle aged women which i'm fine talking to haha but no girls my age. and no i'm not after a cougar lol especially not one that old!

these are my interests:

- music (general interest)

- adventuring/expeditions (although i've never done it before)

- some sports

- exercise

- reading (general interest)

- writing (general interest)

now i think about it...there's not a lot of my interests that i can do a course in. i mean there's probably not a lot of girls who go adventuring/on expeditions lol.

i know i'm fortunate to have a job but it's something i wake up and don't really want to do. i am a paving assistant which although is a job...it's not something i enjoy doing. i was just desperate for work and that came about.

that's cool tho because at least you get to perform in front of people which must give you confidence to face people i'm guessing? it must be easy to approach a single person after performing to a crowd? or maybe i'm totally wrong haha. i would love to do something like that but i am terrible at singing and i can't play an instrument so that pretty much leaves cleaning the stage haha.

what about nightclubs...do you think they are a good places to learn to talk to girls?

another thing is...i find it hard to trust people. i get paranoid about letting people connect with me emotionally.

yeah thanks. i was thinking of getting in touch with a couple of friends i haven't spoke to for ages. he used to know some girls even though they weren't the "take home to meet your mother" type girls lol.

sorry for my essay lol just shorten your reply if you want.

October 17, 2012

You just need to get over that hurdle and start talking to them, start talking to the ones you probably don't want to date, just so you become more comfortable holding a conversation with the opposite sex. If you can't have a non-awkward conversation with a girl, you're not going to get much further than that.

Talk to them and build momentum, then drop the bombshell. "Are you busy on such and such day? We should do coffee then." It's best to phrase it like that, the proposal is a statement of fact, you SHOULD do coffee, not could, should. If she's got a boyfriend or isn't interested, she will find an excuse, if she accepts, you've got your foot in the door.

I'm a lot like you, I'm still single, but I've dedicated the past year to really working on my game with girls. I just talk to a lot of women, I've got a lot of ones I would like to date, and I feel confident in making a move on them, just I've got enough numbers to work on for now. Once you get your first number or whatever, you're laughing, it's really not that hard.

yeah thanks. i guess i do need to give it a go. but it's hard not to have a non awkward conversation because of my nerves. but then again i have never actually stood and had a proper conversation with a girl. it's pretty much always been small talk and not much else. because of my nerves i tend to stick to not much talking so i can get out of there fast! haha.

October 17, 2012

yeah i guess so but when you're as nervous as i get...it's difficult to actually want to approach a girl. I just feel that i should be more confident than i am which is really damn irritating. i mean i'm not a totally unattractive guy. i will admit that my hair is receding but i still have a decent looking face and i've been commented on my blue eyes before. what do you think i should just go up to girls? it always seems a bit creepy. and most guys have to have really good "game" to approach attractive girls don't they?

Well, the best way to get game is to practice. Which means, talking to more girls . It is actually difficult, I know this. Every now and then, I strike out myself. But then I force myself to go through it because what is the worst that can happen?

It's a long road to build up that confidence. It seems natural to some other guys, I get that. I am autistic so I know tenfold how difficult it is to be as comfortable socializing as anyone else. Building confidence socially will take a while, but it's worth making the start now, even though it's going to be difficult.

well i have lots of interests but none i can really find a course for in my area. the last time i joined a course it was full of middle aged women which i'm fine talking to haha but no girls my age. and no i'm not after a cougar lol especially not one that old!

these are my interests:

- music (general interest)
- adventuring/expeditions (although i've never done it before)
- some sports
- exercise
- reading (general interest)
- writing (general interest)

now i think about it...there's not a lot of my interests that i can do a course in. i mean there's probably not a lot of girls who go adventuring/on expeditions lol.

You would be surprised! It's not just courses, but evening courses, groups and meet-ups. What interests do you wish to cultivate? Or skills?

i know i'm fortunate to have a job but it's something i wake up and don't really want to do. i am a paving assistant which although is a job...it's not something i enjoy doing. i was just desperate for work and that came about.

That's understandable. Maybe you should look for other jobs while you're in this one! This is a means to an end for you, you should be looking to step up or take something else while you're in this job - it's the absolute best time to do so .

that's cool tho because at least you get to perform in front of people which must give you confidence to face people i'm guessing? it must be easy to approach a single person after performing to a crowd? or maybe i'm totally wrong haha. i would love to do something like that but i am terrible at singing and i can't play an instrument so that pretty much leaves cleaning the stage haha.

You would think it's easier! It really isn't. I am easily overwhelmed even by praise! The stage is like home to me, which is why I find it easier being up there than actually socializing with people. Do you want to learn an instrument? It may not lead to you getting girls, but it helps having a creative outlet.

But still, I do meet people this way and as such, it became easier talking to people as a result. It was a way of putting myself in situations where people wanted to talk to me.

what about nightclubs...do you think they are a good places to learn to talk to girls?

They are difficult places for some. For others, it's where they learned. I'm not much of a nightclub person - I like parties and I like going out to rave and get smashed occasionally, but it's not something I couldn't live without.

another thing is...i find it hard to trust people. i get paranoid about letting people connect with me emotionally.

Can you think of why that is? This may be part of this problem you are having. People generally can be untrustworthy, but building up emotional intelligence is a good way to understand how to deal with this. Read up about this stuff and maybe you will find out more.

yeah thanks. i was thinking of getting in touch with a couple of friends i haven't spoke to for ages. he used to know some girls even though they weren't the "take home to meet your mother" type girls lol.

Well, sometimes those girls you can't take home to your mother are the best remedy to help you .

sorry for my essay lol just shorten your reply if you want.

Don't worry about it. I love a good essay .

October 17, 2012

Well, the best way to get game is to practice. Which means, talking to more girls . It is actually difficult, I know this. Every now and then, I strike out myself. But then I force myself to go through it because what is the worst that can happen?

It's a long road to build up that confidence. It seems natural to some other guys, I get that. I am autistic so I know tenfold how difficult it is to be as comfortable socializing as anyone else. Building confidence socially will take a while, but it's worth making the start now, even though it's going to be difficult.

You would be surprised! It's not just courses, but evening courses, groups and meet-ups. What interests do you wish to cultivate? Or skills?

That's understandable. Maybe you should look for other jobs while you're in this one! This is a means to an end for you, you should be looking to step up or take something else while you're in this job - it's the absolute best time to do so .

You would think it's easier! It really isn't. I am easily overwhelmed even by praise! The stage is like home to me, which is why I find it easier being up there than actually socializing with people. Do you want to learn an instrument? It may not lead to you getting girls, but it helps having a creative outlet.

But still, I do meet people this way and as such, it became easier talking to people as a result. It was a way of putting myself in situations where people wanted to talk to me.

They are difficult places for some. For others, it's where they learned. I'm not much of a nightclub person - I like parties and I like going out to rave and get smashed occasionally, but it's not something I couldn't live without.

Can you think of why that is? This may be part of this problem you are having. People generally can be untrustworthy, but building up emotional intelligence is a good way to understand how to deal with this. Read up about this stuff and maybe you will find out more.

Well, sometimes those girls you can't take home to your mother are the best remedy to help you .

Don't worry about it. I love a good essay .

hey i just wanted to say that i will reply to this post. It's just i need to be up early tomorrow for work lol but i will reply tomorrow. so i'm not being rude by not replying i will definitely reply. cheers for the advice given though.

October 17, 2012

Go to Bars and approach girls like maniac. Those girls are worthless girls who won't affect your life and whom you won't see again.

Don't practice in your social circle

October 18, 2012

You're 21. The next 6 months will be pretty informative. If you can make progress within that time frame you'll probably be ok. If not, things are not going to look good for you at all.

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I am hopeless with girls and I'm still a virgin. I really want to change this?

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