so_difficult Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I've had a difficult relationship for a long time, ever since I caught my h in bed with someone 14 years ago. But that was not the only problem, nor did that specific problem end ... at least not until relatively recently. Click on my name if you want to read the whole story (and if you don't know it already). Anyway, I've been wanting to leave him for years, but not constantly. In other words, I wasn't always miserable but had many periods of intense misery mixed with periods of being what I call "robotic" - going through the motions. I've been "robotic" for at least two years now, but probably closer to seven. Honestly with everything that's gone on in this marriage I lose track. At many times I was even happy but for the most part not when he was around. In short, he has lots of great qualities but also really really bad stuff. Ok fast-forward. After months of really dying to leave him, where I thought about it every moment of every day (I told him I wanted to, and he started being incredibly nice -- almost like a servant/job interviewee), he was a real total a**hole one night and it reminded me of all the reasons I wanted to leave and I couldn't handle it so I finally left. This was a little over 3 weeks ago. Since then he's been ok with me, though devastated. The first two weeks were absolute hell for him – not eating, not sleeping. He's told me many times that even if I want to leave eventually I should come back for awhile to make things better financially and work things out with our one son who's still at home. That we could live "separate lives." I really did not think this was a good idea. Marriage is not just sleeping together, and sharing the same house still seemed like still being married, whatever anyone said. Also btw our one son doesn't live at home anymore and the other one does. I've been driving him around and visiting him a lot on the weekends which is when my h works, but not living with him and that's been really hard. Now that I have my own place he'll be staying with me at least 2 days a week and maybe 3. H and I have seen each other a few times and spoken many times. He always wants to hug me and sometimes kiss me (wayyyyy too much overbearing affection from him has been a problem, especially through this summer). He always says how much he misses me and how he never realized just how important I was until I was gone. He has always made me feel very loved though. So -- I've been living at my parents' cottage, which is very very close to our house. And btw my parents live with us in their own apartment and own the house with us. He said he's not leaving, period, so I've left. But now we have to close up the cottage for the winter and so I got an apartment yesterday. I told him today. He says he thinks I'm rushing it too much and it's not financially wise and that I'm making a mistake. I feel like I should be happy but I'm not. I feel so, so sad. Am I making a big mistake? I hate hurting him so much, no matter what he's done over the years. I keep thinking of all the nice things instead of the bad things. And my parents and kids get affected by all this too. My mom has said a few times that maybe we could live separately and yet together. And it is a financial burden for sure, since I have to give him plenty of money each month on top of now carrying another household. Is this just jitters b/c I'm starting a new life after being with someone for nearly 24 years? Is this b/c I'm breaking free from a codependent relationship?
jf2good Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 The real problem is you didn't leave years ago, by postponing it you made it worse. Your husband needs his "sugar tits", that is why he was nice when you tried to leave, aka a big baby. 1
GuyInLimbo Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Is this b/c I'm breaking free from a codependent relationship? Yes. One of my downfalls throughout my life (including right now) is that I wasted wayyyyyyyy too much time worrying about the other person's feelings, while my misery grew/grows. My last LTR was with someone who was Borderline and a nightmare. The threats of suicide, etc. kept me with her longer than I ever should have been. The simple fact is that if YOU are not happy, then what's the point in staying? You've already seen that nothing is going to change how you feel or how he is. You think this is healthy for your son? It's not. Your STBX can stew and act like a helpless child all he wants. He needs to find his ball sack and figure out how to make himself happy and healthy. It's not your job. But it IS important that your son sees you do the emotionally healthy thing for you. Or he is much more likely to repeat your mistakes when he gets married. Of course you're going to be sad. You've been with this person a long time and it's scary. But you're strong enough to get through it. 1
worldgonewrong Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Your husband is a man-child. He expected to carry on outside the marriage while at the same time being married. Complete, total disrespect and irrevocably broken trust. Dump his arse. 2
sweetkiwi Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 being sad is normal after a break up. You have to forgive yourself for staying with this dick bag and do things that reaffirm your selfworth.
Author so_difficult Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 Thanks everyone. Sometimes I feel strong and like I'm doing the right thing and other times it's just so hard. I guess i just need some support and get it here The good news is both kids are doing well. I brought my younger son to see the apartment today. He was a little sad because it's a basement and a little small, though decent. Really nice family living above but you can hear everything. As he said, it's a big step down (no pun intended) but we'll make it our home. I hear my stbx is complaining that I expect him to pay half the household expenses (that is, the house I no longer live in). Life sucks, huh? 1
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