StormySeas Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 More truth came out last night about the awful time period of Oct '09 to Aug '10. You guys said there was more, and you were right. Only the threats of a polygraph and a serious discussion with the OW (I have not wanted to bring her back into my life), brought out more truth. (Notice I don't say "all the truth" given I have no idea where I stand on knowing 5%, 50%, 95% about that period of our lives...) Aug '10 to Oct '12 continues to look clean, like my H really did go NC then and re-dedicate himself to our marriage, despite never telling the truth during MC, etc. I'm not sure that in my heart-of-hearts that really matters, but I'm trying to think...think...think...and not ignore any key pieces of information. I didn't know this Mount Everest of sh*t could grow so exponentially.
BetrayedH Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 More truth came out last night about the awful time period of Oct '09 to Aug '10. You guys said there was more, and you were right. Only the threats of a polygraph and a serious discussion with the OW (I have not wanted to bring her back into my life), brought out more truth. (Notice I don't say "all the truth" given I have no idea where I stand on knowing 5%, 50%, 95% about that period of our lives...) Aug '10 to Oct '12 continues to look clean, like my H really did go NC then and re-dedicate himself to our marriage, despite never telling the truth during MC, etc. I'm not sure that in my heart-of-hearts that really matters, but I'm trying to think...think...think...and not ignore any key pieces of information. I didn't know this Mount Everest of sh*t could grow so exponentially. Trickle-truth can be such a killer. I think it is more damaging that the affair itself. It can be so much like starting over at square one that many betrayed spouses list it as another Dday for them. They'll have several Ddays, each one as painful as the one before because they discovered (again) that their "remorseful" spouse was still a liar even if it wasn't new cheating. And we are right back to not knowing what the hell to believe. God, if they could only understand that they just need to rip the damn band-aid off, we could finally come to grips with the truth and make a decision to stay or go. I was able to handle so much painful crap that my wife had done and still wanted to stay but deciding to stay with someone that was still actively lying to my face was impossible. Idiots. 4
Author StormySeas Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 I couldn't agree more, BetrayedH. I finally said last night that the fact that I was having to deal with the drip, drip of truth indicated to me that he wasn't trying to fight for our marriage and if he had any desire to move forward, it all had to come out. I said that after some information came out with the polygraph/OW conversation. So then more came rolling out. It's just so sickening and downright impossible to get off of this roller coaster right now and I'm so fed up. The truth does not hurt at all right now...it's like taking punches on boxing gloves -- it doesn't hurt nearly as much as uncovering a new lie, which is like a stone cold punch to a glass jaw.
BetrayedH Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I couldn't agree more, BetrayedH. I finally said last night that the fact that I was having to deal with the drip, drip of truth indicated to me that he wasn't trying to fight for our marriage and if he had any desire to move forward, it all had to come out. I said that after some information came out with the polygraph/OW conversation. So then more came rolling out. It's just so sickening and downright impossible to get off of this roller coaster right now and I'm so fed up. The truth does not hurt at all right now...it's like taking punches on boxing gloves -- it doesn't hurt nearly as much as uncovering a new lie, which is like a stone cold punch to a glass jaw. Some people survive several rounds of trickle-truth. I don't know how they do it. In my case, I didn't see it coming. I defended my WW here for 7 straight months only to get that kick in the gut that I was still being played for a fool. I lost my sh|t. To be honest, I wish that I had more readily anticipated that they ALL lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more even after they have "come clean." They just don't have the courage to actually come clean and have too much of an established history of lying about it. Trickle-truth should be anticipated. Perhaps if I had expected it, it wouldn't have been so damn overwhelming. I don't know. But of course, I was just trying to digest the one sh|t sandwich I had already been handed. When I found out there was a full buffet, I just about died. Turns out that the damn things taste like sh|t and so I vomited it out all over her instead. I'm sorry for your pain and I hope you find the best path for you. Don't follow mine. Jail sucks. 3
2sunny Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 So now that you know he's willing to with hold his truth - at YOUR expense - what do you plan to do about that?
Author StormySeas Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 I'm a mother to a four year old, so jail is not an option, BetrayedH. Not to mention that it just isn't my style to do anything that would get me there! 2sunny...I have no idea. A friend's father is a very good family law attorney so I am hopefully going to go and see him next week. I am not prepared to make a decision, but need to stop relying on the internet to give me certain facts so I know all my options, the ramifications, etc. At this point, my H is out of the house and I'm NC with him unless it has to do with our son. Until I can get my emotions to level out somewhat, I am in no frame of mind to make any decisions. I definitely still love him and he's the father of our son. He's also inflicted much more pain on me than anyone else. It's all tough to reconcile in my brain and my pro/con lists are not clear at this point.
Snowflower Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I'm a mother to a four year old, so jail is not an option, BetrayedH. Not to mention that it just isn't my style to do anything that would get me there! 2sunny...I have no idea. A friend's father is a very good family law attorney so I am hopefully going to go and see him next week. I am not prepared to make a decision, but need to stop relying on the internet to give me certain facts so I know all my options, the ramifications, etc. At this point, my H is out of the house and I'm NC with him unless it has to do with our son. Until I can get my emotions to level out somewhat, I am in no frame of mind to make any decisions. I definitely still love him and he's the father of our son. He's also inflicted much more pain on me than anyone else. It's all tough to reconcile in my brain and my pro/con lists are not clear at this point. Then take your time! There is no rush to head toward divorce until you are sure of what you want to do. It always irks me when people start asking a BS, "well, what are you going to do?" as if the decision needs to be made immediately. In most cases, a decision does not need to be made. Unless there are mitigating circumstances such as physical abuse, disappearing assets on the part of the WS or something like that, waiting at least a few months after d-day is smart. It gives the BS time to calm down emotionally so that they can make smart decisions. Divorce is a huge decision and it is best if at all possible, to give yourself time to revert to some emotional balance, think about your options and make the decision that is right for YOU! Even if you are sure you want a divorce, give yourself some time to get your head around everything that has happened so that you can be calm, cool and collected as you begin the divorce proceedings with a clear head. No matter what, divorce is very stressful and IMO, you need your emotional reserves to make smart, focused decisions that are right for you and your son. This is more difficult to do if you are fumbling around in a world of hurt, rage and confusion that is so common after d-day. So don't worry about making a decision right now and it sound like in your post above that you are getting some pressure to do so, maybe IRL. Take your time. Gather information (the family law attorney you mentioned) and take the time you need to make this huge decision. 3
Author StormySeas Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Thanks, Sunflower. I told my mother a lot of the story this morning (spared her some of the pain associated with the details) because she could tell something very bad was going on with me and that was tough. I just reiterated to her that I am in no rush and that I am just going to focus on getting through each day. Loving our son as much as I possibly can, working hard in the office so I can a) distract myself and b) allow this to cause as little damage as possible to others in my life that rely on me, and hopefully figuring out some things to do for me to allow me the time and right environment to think. I have led a very lucky life and I have not lost sight of the perspective that many people go through so many worse things in their lifetimes than this. While this is agonizing and just so awful for me to deal with, nobody is faced with a terminal illness. Nobody is homeless, jobless, futureless. I'm an emotional wreck, but I know that will change over time because I'm doing the right things to hopefully equip me to deal with this. So I'm just going to focus on what makes sense in my head, which is trying to wade through some of the emotions to be rational. Visiting with a lawyer to get the facts about the laws in our state, continuing to visit with our MC on my own, telling the key people in my life that can help me get through this, and just not rushing at all. At the end of the day, I love getting advice from folks here because it comes from the heart and is typically wrapped with a box of experience. But I know that there isn't a person in the world who can tell me what is right for me. That can only come from my inner peace (like in Kung Fu Panda ). 5
worldgonewrong Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 But of course, I was just trying to digest the one sh|t sandwich I had already been handed. When I found out there was a full buffet, I just about died. Turns out that the damn things taste like sh|t and so I vomited it out all over her instead. God have mercy, but that was funny -- I mean, i realize it was a statement made in pain, but I get this statement profoundly so, as I try to wrap humor around pain too. BetrayedH - if our paths ever cross in this life, you're the kind of guy i'd definitely have a beer with. StormySeas: you ARE gonna get through this blizzard of bull, I promise you. And you will emerge from the other side happier and stronger. I wish I could wave a magic wand over the sorrows of every hurting person on LS, with you being among the first ones. Trust is everything when it comes to Love, and to have it abused so....ugh. My thoughts & prayers are with you. 2
Author StormySeas Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Thank you, worldgonewrong! BetrayedH's sh*t sandwich and vomit sentences have put a smile on my face multiple times today. The description is so vivid and accurate. I hate that you had to feel that pain, BetrayedH, and can't imagine how much you were hurting to put yourself in a position to end up in jail, but I couldn't agree more that you seem like the type of person that would be an asset in any corner! 1
BetrayedH Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I have to admit that someone else at SI first came up with that analogy and it sure resonated with me. And yeah, humor certainly helps get thru this sometimes. While my wife and I were reconciling, we were even able to joke with one another briefly about the affair from time to time. As for the jail thing, I discovered an internet post that my wife had written about her first encounter with the OM, on our couch, with the children asleep in their rooms. This was 7 months into believing that she had come completely clean in the days right after Dday. It was graphic and to make it worse, she had told me he had never been to the house. I wasn't prepared for that. I went to a bar and spent many hours there alone. It was the day after Christmas and no one could take my call. I went home around 10pm (intentional so that the kids would be in bed) and proceeded to drag the 3-pc sectional to the back of the house one piece at a time and lit it on fire. I was drunk and dirty and went straight to the shower. When I got out and dressed, I told my wife to leave. She refused. I told her again. She refused again. I picked her up by the waist, took her to the front door and pushed her out. She fell and I noticed the neighborhood, fire dept, and cops out front (probably due to the 40ft blaze in my backyard). I turned myself in and spent 15 hours in the hokey. My wife filed for D a few days later. Pretty dramatic especially considering that I'd never done anything violent in my life before; I've always been a pacifist. My wife was officially the victim. I was permitted no contact with her of any kind, even thru a third party. Took me about 2 months to get into my own apartment and be able to have the kids for overnights. Took me 6 months to get the charges dismissed. The whole thing has been quite an experience and one I would have lost my life savings betting would never be possible. Anyway, I always feel somewhat compelled to warn people to temper their reactions. I learned the hard way.
Author StormySeas Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Oh BetrayedH...I can't even imagine. The feelings the day after Christmas, reading that crap. She deserved to be tossed out of your house and should have understood your rightful anger and exited when asked the first time. You lost time with your kids, money, etc. Hopefully those that knew the whole story around you would never toss the word "victim" around when discussing your wife. Where are you now in all of this? How long removed from divorce? How is life treating you after having to barf up so many sh*t sandwiches???
Steen719 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I have to admit that someone else at SI first came up with that analogy and it sure resonated with me. And yeah, humor certainly helps get thru this sometimes. While my wife and I were reconciling, we were even able to joke with one another briefly about the affair from time to time. As for the jail thing, I discovered an internet post that my wife had written about her first encounter with the OM, on our couch, with the children asleep in their rooms. This was 7 months into believing that she had come completely clean in the days right after Dday. It was graphic and to make it worse, she had told me he had never been to the house. I wasn't prepared for that. I went to a bar and spent many hours there alone. It was the day after Christmas and no one could take my call. I went home around 10pm (intentional so that the kids would be in bed) and proceeded to drag the 3-pc sectional to the back of the house one piece at a time and lit it on fire. I was drunk and dirty and went straight to the shower. When I got out and dressed, I told my wife to leave. She refused. I told her again. She refused again. I picked her up by the waist, took her to the front door and pushed her out. She fell and I noticed the neighborhood, fire dept, and cops out front (probably due to the 40ft blaze in my backyard). I turned myself in and spent 15 hours in the hokey. My wife filed for D a few days later. Pretty dramatic especially considering that I'd never done anything violent in my life before; I've always been a pacifist. My wife was officially the victim. I was permitted no contact with her of any kind, even thru a third party. Took me about 2 months to get into my own apartment and be able to have the kids for overnights. Took me 6 months to get the charges dismissed. The whole thing has been quite an experience and one I would have lost my life savings betting would never be possible. Anyway, I always feel somewhat compelled to warn people to temper their reactions. I learned the hard way. I didn't know that it was the day after Christmas! UGH! I don't know why, that makes it worse for me. I'm glad the charges were dismissed, anyway. Your reaction to her betrayal is probably what most of us feel, you not bringing up her history in court or while you were negotiating says more to me about your nature and integrity. Wish I could serve some s*it sandwiches! Accordingly, here is a story from a friend. She had a cousin who was married to a man who had been a college football player. He was very large, she was tiny. He physically abused her. One day he threw her down the stairs. She started planning her escape and one evening he cooked soup for himself and when she asked for some, he told her no, that he was taking it in for the people he worked with. She urinated in a cup and added it to the soup. Friend swears it is the truth. I don't advocate this, but I can't say he didn't deserve it. Ewwwwwwwwww!!!!!!
Furious Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I have to admit that someone else at SI first came up with that analogy and it sure resonated with me. And yeah, humor certainly helps get thru this sometimes. While my wife and I were reconciling, we were even able to joke with one another briefly about the affair from time to time. As for the jail thing, I discovered an internet post that my wife had written about her first encounter with the OM, on our couch, with the children asleep in their rooms. This was 7 months into believing that she had come completely clean in the days right after Dday. It was graphic and to make it worse, she had told me he had never been to the house. I wasn't prepared for that. I went to a bar and spent many hours there alone. It was the day after Christmas and no one could take my call. I went home around 10pm (intentional so that the kids would be in bed) and proceeded to drag the 3-pc sectional to the back of the house one piece at a time and lit it on fire. I was drunk and dirty and went straight to the shower. When I got out and dressed, I told my wife to leave. She refused. I told her again. She refused again. I picked her up by the waist, took her to the front door and pushed her out. She fell and I noticed the neighborhood, fire dept, and cops out front (probably due to the 40ft blaze in my backyard). I turned myself in and spent 15 hours in the hokey. My wife filed for D a few days later. Pretty dramatic especially considering that I'd never done anything violent in my life before; I've always been a pacifist. My wife was officially the victim. I was permitted no contact with her of any kind, even thru a third party. Took me about 2 months to get into my own apartment and be able to have the kids for overnights. Took me 6 months to get the charges dismissed. The whole thing has been quite an experience and one I would have lost my life savings betting would never be possible. Anyway, I always feel somewhat compelled to warn people to temper their reactions. I learned the hard way. BH Despite the horrific pain you went through, here you are helping others. You are a gem and we're so lucky to have you here with us at LS.
Spark1111 Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 BH Despite the horrific pain you went through, here you are helping others. You are a gem and we're so lucky to have you here with us at LS. Could not agree more! And let's be honest here.....I;m a kind-hearted soul but there is only so much one can bear! I think BH showed amazing restraint! And of course, his one aberration was severely turned against him. If it was me in those same circimstances with that priceless agonizing discovery.....the entire house would have been ablaze! 1
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Where are you now in all of this? How long removed from divorce? How is life treating you after having to barf up so many sh*t sandwiches??? I have a lot of acid reflux. I'm doing ok. Still adjusting to be sure. That was last Christmas with Dday being the May prior so I'm about a year and a half into it all. We were about 19 years together and I thought we were doing well so it was a shock. Our kids are 10 and 6 now. Mediation was a little over a month ago and we signed an agreement but as far as I know, the attorneys are still waiting on a judge's signature. I could find out tomorrow that I've been divorced for a week already. I did fairly well in the divorce; got 50/50 custody of the kids and stuff and a small amount of child support since she makes a higher income (my company went thru a restructuring shortly before Dday and I took about a 30% pay cut). I think I did as well as I could in the D considering that I have a penis. I could have gone for alimony but the court battle would have eaten up about half of the potential benefit with a decent risk of not getting it (we were assigned a wild card kind of judge). My kids were badly affected when I couldn't come home (fortunately my wife told them that our fight was her fault) but they quickly improved once we got to 50/50 a few weeks after and they seem perfectly happy. The whole thing has been quite surreal but I've got two feet on the ground now and find myself looking forward much more often than back as time progresses. I think the hardest part now is the co-parenting. With the kids so small, I have to have routine contact with my wife about school, shared expenses, extracurriculars, and so forth. We stick to texting and email. I would be happier with NC, you know? But that ain't gonna happen. Sorry if I made this thread about me. I tend to ramble but appreciate you asking. Honestly, I hope you find the right path that works for you. I still find myself very pro reconciliation (at least giving it an attempt) but boy, those waywards sure love to screw it up and in a predictable fashion. Glad to hear you are listening to other opinions but smart enough to know that yours is the one that matters. Otherwise I hope your H learns to stop being such an asshat. How many times do we have to say that we just want the truth? And then they lie to our face? Like I said, idiots. My thoughts are with you. At least understand that this mess clearly isn't about you anymore. Your H can own it from here on out and you're the one in the driver's seat. 2
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I didn't know that it was the day after Christmas! UGH! I don't know why, that makes it worse for me. I'm glad the charges were dismissed, anyway. Your reaction to her betrayal is probably what most of us feel, you not bringing up her history in court or while you were negotiating says more to me about your nature and integrity. Wish I could serve some s*it sandwiches! Accordingly, here is a story from a friend. She had a cousin who was married to a man who had been a college football player. He was very large, she was tiny. He physically abused her. One day he threw her down the stairs. She started planning her escape and one evening he cooked soup for himself and when she asked for some, he told her no, that he was taking it in for the people he worked with. She urinated in a cup and added it to the soup. Friend swears it is the truth. I don't advocate this, but I can't say he didn't deserve it. Ewwwwwwwwww!!!!!! There was a thread here a while back with all of the crazy reactions by BSs. Sorry to say it but it was hysterical.
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 BH Despite the horrific pain you went through, here you are helping others. You are a gem and we're so lucky to have you here with us at LS. You're always too kind. Just ask Sauron. I'm just another bitter extremist. I might have to admit to the bitter part. Joking aside, yeah, I like to help. I would have been clueless without this place and it has truly helped me to be able to make some sense of it all. I am still learning. But what is remarkable to me are the patterns. So much of this is predictable. Each situation is unique and I have to remind myself of that but there are times that it is crystal clear to me what a poster needs to do but the poster hasn't yet earned a freakin' PhD in Infidelity yet. Why wouldn't I share? Helps them and it helps me. Makes me feel good to give back to a place that gave to me. 2
Spark1111 Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Here's he bottom line, I think. We know you screwed your affair partner, whether it was twice or 200 times, does that really matter? I do not think so it the grand scheme of things. You crossed the line and broke your vows of fidelity, even if just once. We are not the stupid people you think we are. We know, intuitively, it did not just happen. You didn't slip and fall onto their genitals. We know there was an attraction and it had to be fueled, whether by texts, emails, cups of coffee, meetings at the water cooler, drinks at the bar. We fell in love with you too, and we know how you pursued or allowed us to pursue you. We also know you lied, deceived, betrayed and acted like a rebellious teenager to be with your AP. We resent that. We were not your parent but your spouse. We did not deserve your adolescent rebellion. It just added insult to injury. You could have told us the truth and we could have separated with dignity and been spared this humiliation. You did not consider our feelings for five minutes. Do not insult us by telling us you never stopped loving us or you never meant to hurt us. You were a selfish, self=entitled child. Someone who loved us would have told us the truth of OUR life and OUR marriage. We will work very hard to forgive you your idiocy because we love you, but now you have to grow the F up and NEVER, EVER tell another lie if you expect us to give you another chance. If you continue to lie and trickle truth and omit, it just PROVES you are damaged goods in that your fear and shame STILL outweighs the pain you have caused us. It is STILL all about you and your flaws and deficiencies. Now, we no longer feel you have grown up or that you will be a better, more trust-worthy partner to stake a future on. We not only stop trusting you, we stop respecting you. Buh-bye. And they still do not get how they appear to us with their hiding and cowardice and inability to OWN their deception. So self-sabotaging. 2
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Could not agree more! And let's be honest here.....I;m a kind-hearted soul but there is only so much one can bear! I think BH showed amazing restraint! And of course, his one aberration was severely turned against him. If it was me in those same circimstances with that priceless agonizing discovery.....the entire house would have been ablaze! Funny you say that. Most men (and ladies for that matter) say they probably would have burned the couch inside the house. I just wish I had stopped at the couch. We all could have done without the wife tossing event. Ah well. I don't really struggle with it anymore. I was at a wedding last weekend for a very close friend and it's nearly impossible not to be affected there. To see their bright eyes about their forever future together is just tough. I wanted that, you know? But I think I have finally reached acceptance. The internal strength I have now is remarkable (at least to me). You couldn't hurt me if you tried. I have been to the hottest parts of hell and come back better for the experience. I fear nothing in life now. That's a side benefit that takes a long time to realize. 3
Recommended Posts