d.uta Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 little backround: my fiance broke it off with me bc she said she wasnt in love with me anymore Been in NC for 2 months now. Well her mom texted me two days ago saying she wanted to talk. I sent her a text but she didnt reply until today. Me and her mom were pretty close mother son like relationship. Today she called me. She told me that she found out that me and her daughter were having intimate relations during the relationship and that she was extremely upset with the both of us and really hurt because she trusted me. She told me to never contact my ex again and to stay out of their lives as well. We are both 20. Now i feel really guilty ashamed and embarassed. Life just keeps getting better....
River Rain Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I guess your NC was broken by association. Don't feel bad, if you were intimate with your ex, you were and it's because the two of you trusted and loved each other when you were together. Keep up the nc, with the ex and with the mom. It wasn't fair for the mom to contact you and make you feel bad for something that's really none of her business. Stay strong! 1
Author d.uta Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Thanks River Rain! It really caught me off guard. I was starting to get better and this just took me back many steps. Im assuming my ex told her. But it really hurt that her mom who i was close with would say those things. Honestly its too much drama for me
River Rain Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Thanks River Rain! It really caught me off guard. I was starting to get better and this just took me back many steps. Im assuming my ex told her. But it really hurt that her mom who i was close with would say those things. Honestly its too much drama for me Drama mamma Probably a good idea to distance yourself from the entire family. I'm sure it caught you off guard, but you don't owe this woman any explanation. Her intent was to make you feel bad, sorry she did that.
Author d.uta Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 True well she told me she wanted to make me aware that they bc occasionally i run into them at church. I havent in almost 2 months but she wanted to make me aware that if i did just to walk in the other direction as nobody from their side wanted anything to do with me
River Rain Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 True well she told me she wanted to make me aware that they bc occasionally i run into them at church. I havent in almost 2 months but she wanted to make me aware that if i did just to walk in the other direction as nobody from their side wanted anything to do with me Change churches? I know, that's not always the ideal solution. Just keep doing what you were doing with the nc because YOU want nothing to do with THEM.
Frank13 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I would send a final text to her mom telling her to come out of the 16th century. This smells more like her daughter cheated on you and the mom knows this so is trying to deflect it by what she said to you. I guiess her mom would rather have her doing casual sex than sex with the one person she is with. If anything she should be concerned with her own daughter. It takes two to tango. Does she not want anything to do with her? Don't feel bad at all. Be glad you aren't going to have this nosy hag messing with your marriage.
geegirl Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 True well she told me she wanted to make me aware that they bc occasionally i run into them at church. I havent in almost 2 months but she wanted to make me aware that if i did just to walk in the other direction as nobody from their side wanted anything to do with me Is this a religious or cultural issue that she was upset you both had sex? At 41, my mom still tells me to wait to have sex until I am married, and she means it! I just tell her I will and that I am celibate and leave it at that! So, I can understand if her stance is of that nature. In any case, if that's how her mother feels, for whatever reason, there is nothing you can do. Change churches if I were you. Church should be a pleasant and rewarding experience.
Author d.uta Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Its definietly about religion. And i.think we both messed up. But it should of been kept between us. I really loved this girl and her family. It really sucks. Guess thats what.sex does to a relationship
geegirl Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Its definietly about religion. And i.think we both messed up. But it should of been kept between us. I really loved this girl and her family. It really sucks. Guess thats what.sex does to a relationship It should have been kept private. You can't blame it on sex because you two were willing parties and did it because you loved each other. It's just unfortunate that she divulged it to her parents. There are somethings that just do not need to be shared or regurgitated.
Author d.uta Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 Thanks i appreciate the support. I just feel really bad about everything. But then again i wasnt the one who broke everything off. I was the one fighting for the relationship
BlackSwanMan Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Its definietly about religion. And i.think we both messed up. But it should of been kept between us. I really loved this girl and her family. It really sucks. Guess thats what.sex does to a relationship Sexual contact is a natural consequence of a romantic relationship. If there is no desire then you are just friends. Families, religions and other social groups provide rules relating to sex for their own specific reasons. Some of these reasons are to protect the individuals and others are to control them. If you want to part of a social group (church, someone's family) then you are expected to abide by their arbitrary rules - some of which are clear and others may be unknown. Breaking the rules upsets those that have kept them but can upset more those that broken the rules themselves - they can't forgive themselves so how can they forgive you. Circumstances can change this - if you had gotten married then sex before marriage is more acceptable to the rule makers. (Sex is allowed after the social ritual and associated group approval but not before) The mother has labelled you and her daughter - you the corrupter and her the fallen woman who is soiled and corrupt. Her princess is no longer as perfect as she wishes she was. No doubt she remembers she was once pure and she either followed the rules or she didn't. But I expect if she followed the rules she didn't in her heart. Personally I feel disappointment that so many people can be so unforgiving of others who crossed arbitrary social lines that they also walked up to and may or may not have crossed. I suspect that she also knows that once a line is crossed it is all too easily recrossed. This will lead her daughter further and further from the perfect image she wishes the daughter embodied. She doesn't see it from any other perspective. To you (and hopefully your ex) sex was a demonstration of the love and desire you had for each other. In a world of safer sex the consequences of sex before ritual are not as common as they once were. The rules are less relevant but can still be kept on the pedestal of "acceptable" behavior. Sex doesn't do that to a relationship. The arbitrary rules do. If no one knew the line was crossed then social punishment could not be enforced. If you truly believe the rule is important then follow it. If you don't then either accept others will not agree or deal with people with a different set of arbitrary rules.
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