totty101 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 So I've been with this girl for about a year now and it's definitely been a rough relationship but it has for sure had some great moments. Some of the best ones I've ever had with anyone. Our connection was like no other connection I've had.....it was great. We really had some great times. The problem is I feel like I have given this girl so many chances and has left me disappointed each time. She cheated, came running back once she seen how much better I was to her, found some shady s**t on her phone a few times and has lied to me. I've already been screwed or hurt in some way just about by every girl I ever really cared about and now this one. After all the fighting, betrayal and getting just about to the breaking point where I was questioning my own insantiy, I told her I need time to gather my thoughts to figure out what I want. I few days later i told her it is best for us to stay out of each others lives. She was not happy about that but I could not handle the pain and stress anymore. So I stop talking to her. She would text me, come see me at work (we work together) email me, bring me things, ask me if I needed anything while she was at the store, ect, trying to be nice and say how much she missed me and "needed me" and didn't have anyone else. I am a sucker for feeling needed, a big flaw of mine, but I don't want to be "needed", I want to be wanted. Eventually I gave in and started texting her back. We talked about what I didn't give her and what she didn't give me. She apologies several times for everything she has done and wants to try this again but take it very slow. Good right? I know I want to be with her and I want it to work but I also don't feel I should put much effort into it until she can PROVE to me she is serious. Do you agree? I put so much into it the whole time and most of the time would get very little back. I'm sure some of us know how it feels to give love to someone and not get the love you need back............it causes you to feel horrible. When we both were getting our needs met, it couldn't have been better. During those times, it was like we were "meant to be". Yes gay I know lol. Our biggest issue is we do not know how to communicate. Anytime in the past we would try to talk if always backfired. Usually her getting all defensive when I try to express something she does that puts strain on our relationship, then I'd just give up. This time she is actually listening and not saying "well you did this so I do that" bs. Don't get me wrong, we all know I was not perfect in the relationship. I didn't do anything like cheating or lying and some of the other crappy things she did but she says she felt I would talk down to her, not really listen to her, she said she felt like she couldn't ever do anything right (which is completely not true), neither of us supported each other emotionally, said I was rude to her and a few other things. She'd always tell me she didn't think she was good enough for me but that's mainly from her self-esteem. I don't know how she would think that. I mean, why would I do nice things for her out of the blue, send her flowers when she was having a bad day, set up surprise picnics by the river, tell her I love her, hold her, kiss her, tell her how beautiful she is and how lucky I am to have her, if I didn't think she was good enough? I wouldn't! So I guess my question is I feel like I have given this girl several chances this past year to prove herself and have been left hanging like a wet towel out to dry. Do I see what she does to "prove" to me that she is serious and willing to put in the effort or do I just tell her it's over? What do I do when she contacts me? I've told her several times i want time but then the next day she contacts me about something or other. Do I ignore her? I hate ignoring, it causes me to feel bad. The heart wants what the heart wants and frankly, right now I hate my heart.
River Rain Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 (edited) What stood out for me was that you don't want to make an effort. You want her to do all the work, to prove something to you. You also have been thinking of ignoring her - don't lower yourself to game playing, btw. You mentioned that you gave her so many chances, and she cheated on you... She's contacting you a lot, saying she needs you. But that's your weakness, and she must know that. It doesn't sound healthy to me. It sounds like you want it to work so badly that you'll settle for someone who has a history of hurting you. I understand the heart issue...I went through it, and unfortunately took him back three times before he broke up with me. I regret ever giving him that first chance because I deserved better than that. People don't change, they'll say they will just to hang on to you, but if she wanted to be a better girlfriend, she would have changed a long time ago. I wouldn't fall for it, plus you don't seem to really want to make an effort anyway right? That's my 2 cents for what it's worth! Edited October 17, 2012 by River Rain 1
itsmisterheartbroken Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Your story sounds very similar to mine. Let her go man. I am guilty of looking past things and trying to let real love takes its course. Problem is people dont change. I really felt the same way, like everything I did to show I cared was swept under the rug, while such marginal and stupid things were magnified. Believe me when I say this girl is no good for you. My ex cheated on me and I still took her back despite what everyone here told me. I told myself that our love was different, that our connection was real and it would overcome all. Granted she did KIND of try to change, but at the end of the day a zebra cant hide its stripes. You're better off alone than trying to make pieces that dont fit, fit. As much as it sucks to be alone, atleast you will find solace in knowing youre no longer giving it your all to someone whos only willing to give a fraction back. You deserve better, we all do.
KatZee Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 The problem is I feel like I have given this girl so many chances and has left me disappointed each time. She cheated, came running back once she seen how much better I was to her, found some shady s**t on her phone a few times and has lied to me. I've already been screwed or hurt in some way just about by every girl I ever really cared about and now this one. I am a sucker for feeling needed, a big flaw of mine, but I don't want to be "needed", I want to be wanted. Eventually I gave in and started texting her back. Do I ignore her? I hate ignoring, it causes me to feel bad. The heart wants what the heart wants and frankly, right now I hate my heart. These are your issues right now. And I'm being clear here, these are YOURS and yours alone. Not hers, not anyone else's. You need to be single, and to address these issues on a deep and honest level. 1. Why do you continue to stick your hand on the proverbial hot stove if she's betrayed you over and over? Why is it you think you deserve this? Why don't you think you deserve more than this? 2. You've been screwed over by every girl you're with because these are the people you subconsciously pick for yourself. If you look at all situations you have been in, you've been hurt. The problem isn't everyone else. The problem is YOU and the fact you continue to choose the same type of person over and over... insanity. Doing / Going for the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. "We choose the love we think we deserve."-- It's time to start thinking more of yourself. It's time to make a list of what you're going for, and it's time to change that list. You're picking the wrong people. 3. You're a sucker for feeling needed. Why do you want to feel needed? Address the confidence issues you have and the insecurity issues you have. Why do you feel you need to "save" other people? 4. "Do I ignore her, it causes me to feel bad." Why are you putting the welfare, and wellbeing of others before yourself? She may feel bad that you're ignoring her, but haven't her actions warranted this reaction from you? After the first time she cheated on you, you should have cut her out of your life. She is not someone deserving or worthy of your friendship, of your emotions, of your devotion. Time to stop feeling sorry for people who bring this s.hit onto themselves. She made her bed, now she should lay in it.
Author totty101 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 KatZee, 1. I know I deserve better so nobody can tell me otherwise. Why I put up with it, i can't explain. I guess I listen to the heart not the head. 2. It's not like I go out and say, "hey, let's see if I can find some girl that's going to screw me". Maybe you are right, maybe I do subconsciously pick these type of woman. I don't know. 3. I wasn't saying I have to be needed, I want to be wanted. I am not going to lie, I am a little insecure. Something I never dealt with until recently. Working on that and yes, I do need to be alone to deal with that. That is what I am trying to do but clearly am failing at it. 4. I can't argue with you there. I read your reply and at first it kind of p*ssed me off but after thinking about it, you may just be right about it. I know there are things I need to figure out and that's what i am working on now. Yes I am a sucker, no denying that but as well all know it's not an easy process to break that same cycle we have gone by our whole life. Thanks KatZee, touch love but I believe you may have some valid points. 1
Author totty101 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 KatZee, 1. I know I deserve better so nobody can tell me otherwise. Why I put up with it, i can't explain. I guess I listen to the heart not the head. 2. It's not like I go out and say, "hey, let's see if I can find some girl that's going to screw me". Maybe you are right, maybe I do subconsciously pick these type of woman. I don't know. 3. I wasn't saying I have to be needed, I want to be wanted. I am not going to lie, I am a little insecure. Something I never dealt with until recently. Working on that and yes, I do need to be alone to deal with that. That is what I am trying to do but clearly am failing at it. 4. I can't argue with you there. I read your reply and at first it kind of p*ssed me off but after thinking about it, you may just be right about it. I know there are things I need to figure out and that's what i am working on now. Yes I am a sucker, no denying that but as well all know it's not an easy process to break that same cycle we have gone by our whole life. Thanks KatZee, touch love but I believe you may have some valid points. River Rain, Yes I honestly don't want to put in much effort. Take it for what it is but I've put in a lot and honestly burnt out on putting in the effort, i feel it should be her time to show me she wants this. If she were to prove to me things were going to be different, I'd be happy to make the effort but until then, I'm not going to. Let her figure this screw up on her own. I've done my part for too long.
River Rain Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Yes I honestly don't want to put in much effort. Take it for what it is but I've put in a lot and honestly burnt out on putting in the effort, i feel it should be her time to show me she wants this. If she were to prove to me things were going to be different, I'd be happy to make the effort but until then, I'm not going to. Let her figure this screw up on her own. I've done my part for too long. You know, there is always give and take in a relationship. But when one is giving more than the other always, and isn't happy about it, then it's really destined for heartache. You already kind of sound like you've given up on her, don't set yourself up for more hurt. We all deserve love and happiness.
KatZee Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I read your reply and at first it kind of p*ssed me off but after thinking about it, you may just be right about it. I know there are things I need to figure out and that's what i am working on now. Yes I am a sucker, no denying that but as well all know it's not an easy process to break that same cycle we have gone by our whole life. Thanks KatZee, touch love but I believe you may have some valid points. Well some people like to sugar coat things, I'd rather live in reality. I honestly didn't get as tough as I really could have gotten but if I made you think a bit, then I did my job.
Author totty101 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 River Rain, I get there is give and take. I just feel like I gave too much for too long. I feel she just kept taking not giving me anything. Believe it or not guys need emotional support too. They need to feel secure in the relationship just like you woman do. It's no so much that I have given up, I just don't want to start putting in too much effort to be right back where I am now. I am willing to fight for it IF she is able to prove to me things are going to be different. Honestly, I have high doubts that anything will change permanently. I know I have some of my own things to work on, I know I'm not perfect and to some extent have played a part in the downfall of this, not what she's making it out to be but I know I have.
LostOne1 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 River Rain, I get there is give and take. I just feel like I gave too much for too long. I feel she just kept taking not giving me anything. Believe it or not guys need emotional support too. They need to feel secure in the relationship just like you woman do. It's no so much that I have given up, I just don't want to start putting in too much effort to be right back where I am now. I am willing to fight for it IF she is able to prove to me things are going to be different. Honestly, I have high doubts that anything will change permanently. I know I have some of my own things to work on, I know I'm not perfect and to some extent have played a part in the downfall of this, not what she's making it out to be but I know I have. wow.. I'm going through the same thing except the opposite. I took my ex for granted after. When I met her I put in all the effort and did everything. All the little things and such. THen she started doing it back and over time I stopped putting in the effort. Then I guess she got to a point where she felt stuck and felt like I wouldn't wake up. She noticed I changed in a bad way and I noticed it after too when she finally broke it of with me recently. It woke me up to realize that I fell asleep and stopped doing all the things I used too. I became a person I started not liking. Honestly been a month and half now and I feel like my old self. I finally got to see what I messed up on and I've even admitted all my mistakes like not putting in effort and taking her for granted. But the fact is my change is not going through to her. I could see if I took her for granted from day 1, but that never was the case. I loved her lots when I met her and still love her lots. It's just too bad that she has a high ego and is very stubborn to see that I've changed and I've seen my mistakes and I want to put in more effort than her to make this relationship work onwards. And I am slowly realizing if she can't see my effort of trying to learn my mistakes and show I've learned and want to work it out. THen she doesn't deserve me at all. If a girl showed me she actually has learned something and wants a chance to fix it and I can SEE the changes by her actions. I'd give her a chance for sure. In my case I've done things no other guy has done for her. Just yesterday I went to her house and dropped off in her mail box a personal letter I wrote, with old photographs even a baby pic of her I kept. I went to 3 card shops to find the perfect card to give her to say how sorry I am and decorated it inside with memories and moments and fun things we said. And I left my lucky necklace I always wore and wanted to give her earlier, but never got a chance If after all that she still can't see that I am willing to put in the effort to fight for her and us... than like I said, she doesn't deserve me. I'm damn sure other girls would go crazy for a guy to do something like that and man up to his mistakes. I know if a girl womened up to admit her mistakes if she hurt me.. and shows she is willing to put in more effort to make it work. I'd at least have respect for her to give her a chance again.
Author totty101 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Ya sorry LastOne1, I have learned in my past failed relationships never take a woman for granted. We all have our own ways of learning and for most people, you don't realize what you had until it's long gone. I had to hit face 1st in the ground before I realized. I hope it all works out. If not, there is someone better out there for you.
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