nutsaboutmango Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I'm new to this but felt i needed some support. My marriage broke up on the 4th july this year, but the children and i weren't offically out of the family home til 31st aug. I've been married for 14 years, my now ex husband went through something extremely similar 7 years ago. we think it was a break down of sorts. he got distant, lost weight, got more distant and when questioned eventually admitted to not loving me and that i made him miserable. so after that shock the behaviour continued for 9 weeks. it was awful. he was cold and cruel in his words and behaviour. then one day i said to him that i loved him very much but i couldn't do this bit for him. 3 hours later my husband came back!!! shocked but so please, we continued in our marriage. he was so apologetic and said he never fell out of love with me he just got sick. infact he termed it a break down. he did have councelling during those 9 weeks and discovered that he is a 'functioner', meaning he will appear to be fine. also he said he must remember to communicate with me. this was all after a huge stress in his life. then we had to move 2 years ago. he felt like he didn't fit in anywhere and he was already aloof and distant. he never took me out. he didn't do anything with me. he worked 12 hour days and said he had no time for himself when he gave no time to me. this caused arguments. then last year he had another big trauma, he lost his mum in awful circumstances. he wouldn't let me travel with him to help sort things out with the rest of the family. said he didn't want me there to question him,. he refused to let me go to the funeral but i went anyway. it was important to me. there were a lot of arguments and i noticed some more big changes in him. i found out from a friend recently that two years ago when she had stepped in cause he was being rather awful to me, he had told her he had no emotional feelings towards his wife or children. i confronted him with that recently and he said it was drunk talk, which i wouldn't except. then he said it was his darkest times but i should know that cause he told me. he didn't tell me but he was quite close to a female friend at the time. this year has been awful. he has got more and more stressed. he's even been different with the children and not in a good way. ii got him to go to councelling and tried to reach him (as we had discussed should he go down this line again), before it was too late. i told him he was behaving like he didn't love me and he denied it. the counceller warned him of the repercussions of tweaking this emotional brick wall of his. any how he said something got tweaked. he withdrew more. we went on holiday and he went into a depression the whole time. he rejected me and humiliated me and when i tried to get close to him he acted like i repelled him and told me i was always trying to change him! eventually 30th june i was out, very rare, but when i came home late i risked hugging him as ii thought he was asleep, he clung on to me and begged me never to leave him as he loved me so much and didn't know what was happening to him. the next morning he had no recolection of that. then after more rows and some pushing to talk, he finally said that our marriage was over and admitted to not loving me. as the flat was connected to his job i had to move out. the area was too expensive, and long story short, the kids and i had to relocate some distance away. it was like putting a pin in the map. i don't wish to explain too much about that because it is all based on where we lived and why we had to move, but i had to find and apply to schools in a hurry, move without seeing our home, my parents had to fund all of that. they are still funding everything, and i am not happy about that. we have been in a terrible situation. we are away from family and friends and the school s and clubs the kids knew and i knew. my ex husband is a very charming man, and that coupled with him really not having any concept of what has gone on and how difficult it has been and continues to be is just an added pressure. he is still round our mutual friends and tells them that our marriage break up was through both of us as it was too much pressure for him and it came to a natural end! i am utterly heart broken. a friend stayed recently and pointed out that she really thought he had not loved me for some time and been a gutless coward. i kept thinking as his behaviour had been so odd and awful and not at all like him that he would come out of it. like last time but to fact it now that thats that is another huge blow on top of all the others. not to mention i was a house wife before and have been chucked in at the deep end with all the things i am trying to learn and understand. he has just chucked me out and closed the door on us. i think i am still in shock. i am also left to pick up all the pieces with the children. i don't recognise that man at all now. it has been a long hard road. the only councelling he had face to face was with me for about 3 sessions. the rest was on the phone. on our own she asked me if i thought he was autistic. i said there are most certainly traits there that i cannot explain, but he is a very stubborn arrogant man who believes he is totally selfless, where in fact he is incredibly selfish, but just cannot see it. he was a kind caring man, but now i don't know him. it has been lonely for some time being his wife, but i would never ever have broken up my marriage i would have kept trying to work on it. he has caused so much pain and yet still doens't accept or understand that. the stress has become too much for me, i have now got quite ill with it. i am trying to pick myself up, and dont wish to be a burden on any one but it is difficult.
StartingOver4 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Hi there. First, I want to say I'm so sorry for your pain. My story is different, but I, too, am struggling mightily with my emotions. Second, for some reason your username struck a chord with me. It's like, most people who come here, including me, choose a name that's emotional, or negative, or just reflective of their pain - either that or neutral and indecipherable. But yours is just positive, and you thought about yourself and chose a lighthearted factoid. It's hard to explain, but to me it speaks to who you are deep down - possibly resilient and able to see the bright side through tragedy. Now, maybe you chose it for entirely different reasons, and I'm completely off! But it might be something to think about. I dunno...but it makes me wish I'd chosen monkeys_rock.
Author nutsaboutmango Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 hi, thanks so much for that, i hasn't thought about it really it was just what came into my mind first... i am a positive person, i have been incredibly strong through out an awful time that really has lasted years. its broken my heart and pulled my world apart, but i kept going, i kept trying to find a solution, i just kept trying in my kack handed way and didn't manage to save my marriage. but i do know that one day i will get stronger, i will be happier, and to be quite honest, and this is no dig, but i know i will be stronger and happier than he will be also. he won't speak, he won't answer questions, i told him tonight i realised he had infact lied to me and betrayed me, two things i never thought he would do and i totally believed in him and i believed for a long time that he has been emotional unwell, a whole heap of stuff that will take a long long time to unwind should he choose to get the help. its very hard to accept that i have to step away from the man i love and can no longer help him. i have been very worried about him, but i have done all i can do
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