radchencko Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I'm feeling quite sad right now. This looks like the website to go to, because I can't vent or be as honest to family and friends sometimes. Oh boy. Dated this girl for three years. First loves. First everything. In June, it broke apart. I was dealing with severe, (suicidal) depression and we weren't simply getting along. She broke up with me. Between then and now, hardly no contact. My thin attempts at communication got nowhere.I was hoping to establish a connection with her, to show her that I've positively changed, but I never got the chance to. In those four months, I've been sad but trying to live positively. Recorded an album, meeting people, tried to live life to the fullest. all the things one is supposed to do to get over someone. And for the most part, it worked, until a week ago I've been feeling a crippling sadness again. I hardly want to move or do anything productive. We work at the same newspaper now, she being a writer, me a photographer.We have an assignment this week together--we both need to go to a certain event. She warned me that her new boyfriend will be there. They got together within a month after our breakup. He's four years older (I believe a 19 year old dating a 23 year old is a sizable difference), and now she drinks and is part of bar culture (before, she hated the idea of me drinking). Needless to say, I've been frustrated and incredibly jealous of their relationship, dismissing it as a rebound and shallow and nothing to worry about. Well, knowing that I'll actually meet the dude this week, I freaked out. I had to know if their relationship was working or not, if she was happy. So I did a very bad, bad thing, in which the consequences of it were obvious, though I did it anyway. I logged into her facebook, since I remembered her information. Read through messages. Without saying much, yes, she is happy in her relationship, and she is quite sexually active. I mean, what the **** did I expect? Obviously snooping was wrong and it's not something I'll do again. But I've been a sort of wreck. My efforts to get over her, and to be disattached from her emotionally, is not working. The rational part of me realizes that the break up is for the better, and that being depressed over this won't do anything. But the emotional side takes over. It's hard for me to think clearly. I feel dumb and lonely going on online dating sites and not having anyone interested in me. I know it's irrational--that I should be content with myself, be happy by myself, but I just miss the feelings of unity and other things that come with a relationship so much. I feel like although my life is objectively great--many things going for me--I'm still often miserable, despite my efforts. I miss her. Or the idea of her at least. It's consuming. I think the main cause of my jealousy, especially toward her sex life, comes from the fact that I am saddened that I don't mean much to her anymore, that our sexual experiences were not special, unique, or authentic, that I'm (easily) replaceable, and also that I'm lonely and greatly miss our old connection. Those factors tide together makes me feel absolutely crazy sometimes. Had to get it out there. Sorry for the novel. Thus, my question is, what can I do to make things better?
River Rain Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I'm feeling quite sad right now. This looks like the website to go to, because I can't vent or be as honest to family and friends sometimes. Oh boy. Dated this girl for three years. First loves. First everything. In June, it broke apart. I was dealing with severe, (suicidal) depression and we weren't simply getting along. She broke up with me. Between then and now, hardly no contact. My thin attempts at communication got nowhere.I was hoping to establish a connection with her, to show her that I've positively changed, but I never got the chance to. In those four months, I've been sad but trying to live positively. Recorded an album, meeting people, tried to live life to the fullest. all the things one is supposed to do to get over someone. And for the most part, it worked, until a week ago I've been feeling a crippling sadness again. I hardly want to move or do anything productive. We work at the same newspaper now, she being a writer, me a photographer.We have an assignment this week together--we both need to go to a certain event. She warned me that her new boyfriend will be there. They got together within a month after our breakup. He's four years older (I believe a 19 year old dating a 23 year old is a sizable difference), and now she drinks and is part of bar culture (before, she hated the idea of me drinking). Needless to say, I've been frustrated and incredibly jealous of their relationship, dismissing it as a rebound and shallow and nothing to worry about. Well, knowing that I'll actually meet the dude this week, I freaked out. I had to know if their relationship was working or not, if she was happy. So I did a very bad, bad thing, in which the consequences of it were obvious, though I did it anyway. I logged into her facebook, since I remembered her information. Read through messages. Without saying much, yes, she is happy in her relationship, and she is quite sexually active. I mean, what the **** did I expect? Obviously snooping was wrong and it's not something I'll do again. But I've been a sort of wreck. My efforts to get over her, and to be disattached from her emotionally, is not working. The rational part of me realizes that the break up is for the better, and that being depressed over this won't do anything. But the emotional side takes over. It's hard for me to think clearly. I feel dumb and lonely going on online dating sites and not having anyone interested in me. I know it's irrational--that I should be content with myself, be happy by myself, but I just miss the feelings of unity and other things that come with a relationship so much. I feel like although my life is objectively great--many things going for me--I'm still often miserable, despite my efforts. I miss her. Or the idea of her at least. It's consuming. I think the main cause of my jealousy, especially toward her sex life, comes from the fact that I am saddened that I don't mean much to her anymore, that our sexual experiences were not special, unique, or authentic, that I'm (easily) replaceable, and also that I'm lonely and greatly miss our old connection. Those factors tide together makes me feel absolutely crazy sometimes. Had to get it out there. Sorry for the novel. Thus, my question is, what can I do to make things better? At least you agree that logging into her account was wrong. But that brought you right back to square one, so you did yourself a terrible disservice as well as invading her privacy. Just because she's moved on doesn't mean she was with you out of convenience, i.e. that you were always replaceable. I hear that a lot and don't really understand it. I mean, you had something special, and just because it's over, doesn't mean it was a waste of anyone's time. If it's over, she has a right to find another boyfriend, but that doesn't mean what you had meant nothing to her. You have to stop that way of thinking because it kills the self-esteem and prevents you from moving on. As for dating sites, well, maybe you're not ready yet, since you just reopened the wound. I know you said you work together, so that makes things more difficult because you have to see her, but take the high road and go no contact otherwise and take every measure to heal yourself and move on. Life is too short to waste on what could have been.
Chi townD Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 A writer for a newspaper at 19? Is this a college paper? Anyways.....talk to the editor and get reassigned. You don't need to be around her. There's several different stories that you could be involved with so a re-assignment isn't be a big deal. Editor can tell her that he/she had to pull you for a different piece. Chances are she isn't going to complain.
Author radchencko Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Yup, college paper. I made an excuse and got another photographer to cover it. I'm not ready. @River Rain--you're right--I did mean something to her. I think why I'm upset is that it is in the past tense, as, rationally, truly or not, I'd like to still mean something to her currently.
Recommended Posts