ilikecupcakez Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 We have been together almost 10 years, however married for 5. We met in MS & then seriously started seeing eachother all throughout HS. I thought I was alright with my marriage, and happy with my husband. We live in a nice house, have nice cars, and are really popular amongst our friends. Considered the "pretty ones" our circle says. Just except for one BIG, HUGE, ENORMOUS mistake. I have been cheating on my husband for about 2 months now with another man, that he has no idea about. I have slept with the other man twice, but multiple times in each event. Does that mean I cheated more than twice? I do not know anything anymore. In total I believe 6 or more. To be honest, I was so awe struck with the fact that someone noticed me and did something about it. I keep telling myself I have no emotional connection with him, that what happened had happened because I am evil and unworthy. I feel like this new man coils me up, snakes around me and there's no way of containing myself. My husband cheated a few years ago with another woman, but I forgave him. It probably isn't possible for him to forgive my behavior or me, I know. But I do NOT want to leave my husband for this man. I need advice on how to completely cut him off, in a way that won't hurt or offend him. Or worse, wanting to seek revenge for wanting to end this so abruptly. And lastly, I need to know why....why do women like me who have everything in life they need. But then do what I did?
sweetkiwi Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 girl listen. **** happens. You don't really owe the other guy anything beyond- look this is done. If you forgave your husband i'm sure he should be able to forgive you. You're not evil, you're not unworthy. If you don't believe that then you're torturing yourself. I've been where you are. But i wasn't happy and had tried everything i could think of to turn it around. This is really a personal issue that no one can say whats right for you. But it doesn't mean you're a bad person. We are simply people.
sweetkiwi Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 also it seems all you described was material things that were supposed to make you happy. What about your relationship is lacking. Therein lies the true cause for your needing make attention outside your marriage. Be honest with yourself or you'll never figure it out or make it better. 1
Author ilikecupcakez Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 I understand things happen. But I also know I should've been mature enough to resist temptation. I wish I would've thought of my husband, and been able to stop what was going to happen. I am so mad at myself for doing it more than once. I do not think by telling my husband neither he nor I will benefit from it. But I need to, IDK how, and IDK how to tell this man I want nothing to do w/ him anymore. He is a very stingy person when it comes to being "burned", and I'm really scared of his reaction and then action.
Owl Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 You just tell him that you're done, it's over, no more. Point blank, clearly, unmistakeably. Men won't understand anything less than that.
underwater2010 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I understand things happen. But I also know I should've been mature enough to resist temptation. I wish I would've thought of my husband, and been able to stop what was going to happen. I am so mad at myself for doing it more than once. I do not think by telling my husband neither he nor I will benefit from it. But I need to, IDK how, and IDK how to tell this man I want nothing to do w/ him anymore. He is a very stingy person when it comes to being "burned", and I'm really scared of his reaction and then action. Tell the OM it is over. Simple as that. If you truly think that he is vengeful, then you might be better of letting your BH/FWH know what has been going on. It is better if it comes from the horse's mouth rather than someone else. 1
sweetkiwi Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 i get the should've could've would've game. Yeah you ****ed up. 6+ times. You wanted what you wanted and were selfish. But if you don't stop now, you're lying to yourself about your relationships with these men.
Eddie Edirol Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 So your relationship with your husband went stale, thats why you were so awestruck when another man noticed you and pursued you? Then you just have to figure out exactly what you wanted from your husband as far as romance goes, and tell him about it. But dont be vague, let him know in detail what kind of things you like, including things he used to do. And it cant be one sided, you have to step up the romance too. maybe you guys can start dating each other and build up to intimacy again. It takes work to figure out where you two went wrong and how to fix it, but I'm sure he will be understanding if you explain to him what went wrong, in your eyes. He might tell you some points you need to know too. Also, like the other poster said, you might have to tell him about the cheating just in case the other man decides to try to ruin your life. it will completely take the wind out of his sails if you tell him your husband already knows.
j'adore Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I doubt if you have only been seeing the man for two months that he would try ruin your life. Just tell him you can't do it anymore, that you love your husband and want to work it out. Has he said he is in love with you or something, or is this longer than you are making out? Otherwise I can't see two months being a problem unless you are particularly horrible about telling him.
Chi townD Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 By the way you're describing this OM, I think it would be in your best interest to tell your husband. If you're afraid of this dudes reaction because of how he reacts when he's been "burnt". It wouldn't surprise me in the least if he contacts your husband or forward texts you sent the OM to your husband or any e-mail exchanges between the two of you. It might go better if you fess up rather than your husband find out through a third party. Mainly from the guy you've been screwing. If you tell your husband, then the OM has no leverage.
Author ilikecupcakez Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 I am afraid of him saying something because I think he developed feelings for me. I don't really want to say why, but mostly because he says things to me that sound territorial. I know what I have to do I am just having a hard time doing it. I don't want a bad reaction I just want to cut this totally off. I think telling my husband will destroy anything we have left, and I don't want a divorce. They aren't in the same circle of friends, and don't know anything about eachother. I am going to tell the other ma straight forward I am sorry and cannot do this, nor ever speak to him again. Thank you for your responses.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 (edited) cupcake I agree with all the other posters that you need no explanation whatsoever, just say "we're done. No contact now." and nothing else. No need to sugar the pill. Presumably you've ended it now already. If so, well done. If not yet, then you have fallen into the classic bind of waiting for the right time to end it. The right time is now, right now. Now. This moment. Next, ( or if you have not ended it yet, then FIRST) you should tell your H. You are reluctant, but there are reasons to do it: First, a confession salvages some trust on which more can grow, whereas secrets mean you will never ever be able to be honest with your husband your entire life, which will mean you will never be truly close. Second, he had an A first so should be able to reconcile. Don't deny him the opportunity just because you don't want to fess up. Third: just like you deserved to know about his A, he deserves to know about yours. You chose to stay with him. Don't deny him the knowledge to make a choice of his own. Fourth: Suppose it comes out anyway. But takes a while. Then, as he is in a circle of friends as this guy, they will be in a social situation together, maybe with you there too, and you two affair partners will know something your H will be in the dark about. Hard for a relationship to survive that. I wish you clarity of thought, and resolve to carry through with what you decide. Edited October 17, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy
Author ilikecupcakez Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Tiredfamilyguy, thanks your advice was helpful, and so were others stories on here. I feel worse and worse as I read these stories. I just called the other man no answer, so I sent a text saying that I need mental help and that it's over, there's no need for a reply back. I am changing my phone number today, deleting & staying away from anything that would result in talking and seeing eachother. Next step, I will tell my husband the truth when he gets home. Just reading other people's stories frightened me. I know NOTHING good will come of this....so I know that after my confession his reaction will be terrible, and result in my things being chucked out every exit of the house. I packed a suitcase for the storm and I really can't rebel or do anything because I caused it.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Cupcake, Well done. You've been making decisions and executing the steps. That is very difficult for a wayward spouse. Credit accrues to you. The next bit will be difficult. If you can't think of another way to do it, just sit him down and say you have something important to say, then just say it. You will have many questions to answer, just be completely candid and don't hold back out of fear of hurting him (it is the holding back that would further hurt). You have a very good chance of reconciliation, I hope it works. Regardless, you are doing the moral thing, the most effective thing now and you deserve praise for taking that step. Unconditional positive regards to you. Really hope it works out.
Darth Vader Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Tiredfamilyguy, thanks your advice was helpful, and so were others stories on here. I feel worse and worse as I read these stories. I just called the other man no answer, so I sent a text saying that I need mental help and that it's over, there's no need for a reply back. I am changing my phone number today, deleting & staying away from anything that would result in talking and seeing eachother. Next step, I will tell my husband the truth when he gets home. Just reading other people's stories frightened me. I know NOTHING good will come of this....so I know that after my confession his reaction will be terrible, and result in my things being chucked out every exit of the house. I packed a suitcase for the storm and I really can't rebel or do anything because I caused it. Your husband will want to know everything you did with OM, EVERYTHING! Anywhere and everywhere, what positions, was he bigger, better than him screwing you, etc. He'll want to know everything you wore for OM perfume, panties, dresses, skirts, gifts from OM, etc.(these things will have to go!) Including any and all gifts to OM. He may want to confront the OM, and you can't deny any information, otherwise it'll feel like you are protecting and preferring your OM over him. Yes, he'll be pissed, and rightly so. However, he doesn't have the right to hit you, although he'll feel like it, just so you know. 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 More thoughts: The other guy may call. If so, he'd try to talk you out it. Don't answer him. If you answer not knowing it's him, hang up immediately and don't talk beyond saying it's over, never contact me again.
Chi townD Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Vader is right. You need to be completely honest with your husband. Answer all questions honestly. Because if he finds out anything on his own that you never mentioned to him, it will be like DDay all over again for him. Telling your husband first is the right thing to do. Because, if the OM is territorial as you say that he is. I wouldn't put it past him in telling your husband to try and break the two of you up. So, in his sick little mind, you'd have nowhere else to turn to but him.
The_Face Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I don't know if anyone has said this already, or even agrees, but I think an important thing to do once your husband hears this news, is ask yourself what about the relationship wasn't meeting your standards to where you cheated on him multiple times. You could cut this OM out for good, sure, and be done with him, and your husband may forgive you and want to move forward. That is a possibility. But, if you don't figure out what it was that lead you into another man's arms, you're likely to do it again when whatever problem you were having comes back. Not the best advice giver, but it's all I got. If you cheated, it was likely for a reason and that reason needs to be understood. Once you deal with that, you can move forward. And I agree with a few of the other poster's that you need to come clean to your husband before your lover possibly beats you to it. Aside from this guy making it worse, it's just the right thing to do, to fess up. It shows respect. 1
road Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I am afraid of him saying something because I think he developed feelings for me. I don't really want to say why, but mostly because he says things to me that sound territorial. Says what things? Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.
The_Face Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I am afraid of him saying something because I think he developed feelings for me. I don't really want to say why Hehh? You don't want to say why you think he developed feelings for you? Kind of confused by that comment. Spill the beans. Did you tell this OM (while you two were having the affair) that you developed feelings for him, too? Kind of thinking you probably did. If you did, you better set things straight with him. Otherwise, you'll have not one, but two guys feeling played by you. Could be possible you developed feelings for this guy, too, and don't want to admit it? Just my two cents. But c'mon, what do I know?
Author ilikecupcakez Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 NO, no, and absolutely never do I want to be with the OM, even if my husband left me I still don't want the OM. I told him I did not ever want it to go beyond what it did, long before I ended it w/ him. I said him being affectionate and lovey towards me made me uncomfortable, and he got irritated. He tried to convince me after the second time it happened for me to wear his boxers home, and that I leave my bra at his place. It was possibly the second most awkward thing someone has ever asked of me. When I told him a delayed "NO....", he tried to kiss me very roughly. Which resulted in me saying sorry and that I had to go because it was late. So to a few people's question: Do I want this other man or did I make him feel as though I had mutual feelings for him, NO. I'm sure that may be surprising, because I've heard most women want to be w/ the OM. That isn't my case, and that's what I meant when I said the OM was acting "terrotorial." I told my husband two hours after he got home off of work. It was a disaster. He just started screaming why in my face, and then broke my car windshield. I expected him to get mad, but after he did that he said have fun driving to your BF's house now. I had a suitcase ready if something happened. I asked him if he wanted me to leave, and he said yes, then no and he cried. I haven't seen my husband cry since the death of our daughter, and at that moment I just wanted to be someone else. ANYONE else. I didn't realize how much this would hurt him, if it did at all. Trying to see emotion or determine emotion coming from my husband is so hard. He never cries. He asked me a few questions about the A, and then told me to get out or he was going to freak out on me. So I left. I don't really want to go into any other detail about the last few days. I'm lucky my husband forgave me, but I know he will never feel the same about me or look at ke the same. I am at home now, trying to keep my distance yet stay open in case he wants to talk or ask me anything else, and keeping my phone time limited. I feel like I'm trying to stay strong for both of us, but when I think about why, it's because I decided to be a selfish sl*t. I hope that my husband can come to trust me again, love me, or just....try to forgive me. If I could I'd rip my heart out and let him run it over, but again, even that wouldn't make him love me again. I wish I wasn't a moronic 24 yearold, and knew what the hell I was doing.
nofool4u Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I do not think by telling my husband neither he nor I will benefit from it. Not sure if you found out or if your husband told you. Regardless, you did find out and you got the choice of how to proceed....whether to divorce him or forgive him. Now its time to give him that same choice. And it matters not if the OM is hurt, thats just too damn bad for him. Your concern should be with your husband. Concern about the OM only adds to the disrespect of your H and marriage.
mercy Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 NO, no, and absolutely never do I want to be with the OM, even if my husband left me I still don't want the OM. I told him I did not ever want it to go beyond what it did, long before I ended it w/ him. I said him being affectionate and lovey towards me made me uncomfortable, and he got irritated. He tried to convince me after the second time it happened for me to wear his boxers home, and that I leave my bra at his place. It was possibly the second most awkward thing someone has ever asked of me. When I told him a delayed "NO....", he tried to kiss me very roughly. Which resulted in me saying sorry and that I had to go because it was late. So to a few people's question: Do I want this other man or did I make him feel as though I had mutual feelings for him, NO. I'm sure that may be surprising, because I've heard most women want to be w/ the OM. That isn't my case, and that's what I meant when I said the OM was acting "terrotorial." I told my husband two hours after he got home off of work. It was a disaster. He just started screaming why in my face, and then broke my car windshield. I expected him to get mad, but after he did that he said have fun driving to your BF's house now. I had a suitcase ready if something happened. I asked him if he wanted me to leave, and he said yes, then no and he cried. I haven't seen my husband cry since the death of our daughter, and at that moment I just wanted to be someone else. ANYONE else. I didn't realize how much this would hurt him, if it did at all. Trying to see emotion or determine emotion coming from my husband is so hard. He never cries. He asked me a few questions about the A, and then told me to get out or he was going to freak out on me. So I left. I don't really want to go into any other detail about the last few days. I'm lucky my husband forgave me, but I know he will never feel the same about me or look at ke the same. I am at home now, trying to keep my distance yet stay open in case he wants to talk or ask me anything else, and keeping my phone time limited. I feel like I'm trying to stay strong for both of us, but when I think about why, it's because I decided to be a selfish sl*t. I hope that my husband can come to trust me again, love me, or just....try to forgive me. If I could I'd rip my heart out and let him run it over, but again, even that wouldn't make him love me again. I wish I wasn't a moronic 24 yearold, and knew what the hell I was doing. So now you've learned a very tough lesson. One I'm sure you'll never forget. Ok, now the hard work is ahead of you. You need to forgive yourself. Yes, I know right now you want to punish yourself. But please don't allow this to destroy you or define you. You are not a bad person, you did a bad thing. My heart really goes out to you. About your h, if you love that man do whatever it takes to help him heal. Be an open book, allow him to grieve, rant and cry. But what you aren't to allow is his anger to make you feel unsafe. Right? Know when to walk away. Counseling is really really vital to healing, use it. Want to know something strange? The OW in my h's case took his socks and boxers, it was very telling to him in that moment. It was a wake up call. He said he felt shame beyond measure. Kinda sick, huh? It's going to take time but you are going to get through this, no matter the consequences you have to face. I wish you the best. And remember, you are not a bad person. 2
BetrayedH Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 If your marriage had any chance of real survival, you've taken the first difficult steps toward that end. Good! Anything short of this was just going to take you deeper into the rabbit hole. You are climbing out. Keep going! I agree with Mercy that you have a lot of work to do (and you can get a lot of truly critical help here) but don't subject yourself to physical abuse. You do have a lot of responsibility to help your H heal but you may also need to draw a li e in the sand. No more damaging stuff, threats to you, or physical attacks or you are gone. You can tell him you desperately want to fix the marriage but he must agree to those things or you cannot stay. Then you have to be willing to do just about anythint to help him heal. Complete honesty (and I am not kidding about being COMPLETELY honest) is sometimes the hardest thing to do. You want to "protect him" but he is already emotionally wrecked and his big problem is going to be trying to trust you again and to be able to believe you. If he discovers one lie from you, you will be back to square one all over again. Remember how bad square one was? Let's NOT do that again. Rip the bandaid off. You are also correct that you are going to have to be the strong one for now. He's going to be all over the place emotionally. They call it a rollercoaster. He'll experience every emotion from desperately loving his wife and wanting to save the marriage to wanting to divorce within a matter of minutes and it will repeat for months. He'll get a handle on it sooner but it will plague him. You must reassure him that you are sorry, that you love him, and perhaps most of all that you are in this for the long haul. Be patient. Transparency is a must. Your life is an open book; your whereabouts, who you are with, all of your passwords. If he is nervous about where you are, send him a picture from your phone. Let him track you if he wants. It seems invasive and crazy but the fact is that everytime he checks on you, reads your email, or whatever and finds nothing, you both win. Embrace those opportunities. If you haven't already, schedule individual counseling for yourself. When he asks "why," try to avoid any reference to the state of the marriage. The fact is that he was in the same marriage and didn't cheat. You had an obligation to fix the marriage or leave it. Hopping on some other dude's genitals was not going to solve anything and is not your husband's fault. Something in you made you go against your own principles. Tell him you are going to do your best to understand this thru counseling. I might even suggest delaying marriage counseling to avoid any perceived "blame shifting" in the early days. And again, I agree with Mercy. You are not a "bad person." You made bad decisions that certainly had terrible consequences and hurt other people. But if you dedicate yourself to doing no such thing in the future and to helping your spouse heal, this does not have to define you or your marriage. I wish you and your H the best. Keep working at it. Better days will come. You can only go up from here. 1
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