Jingle14 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Just wondered, as I have sent 'him' a couple of texts and an email this year (broke up 16 months ago but last spent the night together 13 months ago, didn't end well and not in contact although we have bumped into each other as we live in the same neighbourhood). The texts and email were friendly and I did receive a much warmer response - especially to my recently email - than I had expected and, being honest, I really didn't think he'd reply at all. The last text was to say I hoped he would be able to see his kid on her birthday (he adores the girl, she is his life) and the email was to share something relevant). But do dumpers really wish we would just vanish, never to be heard from again? I would hate to think he was there rolling his eyes and thinking 'God, not her again!', especially when we had meant so much to each other for a lot of the time we were together.
mammasita Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 It really depends on the nature of the breakup. I dumped my son's father, but there was no way I could or would cut him out of my life completely. My other ex cheated on me, so to hear from him was like laying naked on a bed of nails....i.e. annoying, lol 1
ReadMyThread Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Just wondered, as I have sent 'him' a couple of texts and an email this year (broke up 16 months ago but last spent the night together 13 months ago, didn't end well and not in contact although we have bumped into each other as we live in the same neighbourhood). The texts and email were friendly and I did receive a much warmer response - especially to my recently email - than I had expected and, being honest, I really didn't think he'd reply at all. The last text was to say I hoped he would be able to see his kid on her birthday (he adores the girl, she is his life) and the email was to share something relevant). But do dumpers really wish we would just vanish, never to be heard from again? I would hate to think he was there rolling his eyes and thinking 'God, not her again!', especially when we had meant so much to each other for a lot of the time we were together. Why should you care? He dumped you which means he doesn't want you. You shouldn't be contacting him at all. No matter what. Birthdays, deaths, anything. If you're dumped by someone just leave them alone and move on. No emails, no texts. They are nothing to you anymore and you should try your best to NOT think of them. 16 months after and you still have this guy on your mind? How!? lol. Probably because of those emails and texts you sent to him. Please, for you, stop talking to him and thinking about him. You shouldn't even think about if dumpers get annoyed when they you contact them because you shouldn't be contacting them. FIND BETTER! Love will come again and it will be stronger that what you and this guy had. I promise. "'Don’t feel sad over someone who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them.'' 1
Author Jingle14 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Why should you care? He dumped you which means he doesn't want you. You shouldn't be contacting him at all. No matter what. Birthdays, deaths, anything. If you're dumped by someone just leave them alone and move on. No emails, no texts. They are nothing to you anymore and you should try your best to NOT think of them. 16 months after and you still have this guy on your mind? How!? lol. Probably because of those emails and texts you sent to him. Please, for you, stop talking to him and thinking about him. You shouldn't even think about if dumpers get annoyed when they you contact them because you shouldn't be contacting them. FIND BETTER! Love will come again and it will be stronger that what you and this guy had. I promise. "'Don’t feel sad over someone who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them.'' How? Because we loved each other, he didn't die, he just chose not to be with me. If only everything were quite so black and white. Yes, of course he's still on my mind - he was important enough for me (as I was to him at the time) to plan a future home with, to introduce him to my son, my family and friends, for us to be a part of each others families. To think I could just forget the person who I loved and adored more than I have ever loved any other partner, just because they dumped me, is unrealistic - I am not a robot. And I have no interest whatsoever in meeting anyone else, I am completely closed off to the idea. My choice.
ReadMyThread Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 How? Because we loved each other, he didn't die, he just chose not to be with me. If only everything were quite so black and white. Yes, of course he's still on my mind - he was important enough for me (as I was to him at the time) to plan a future home with, to introduce him to my son, my family and friends, for us to be a part of each others families. To think I could just forget the person who I loved and adored more than I have ever loved any other partner, just because they dumped me, is unrealistic - I am not a robot. And I have no interest whatsoever in meeting anyone else, I am completely closed off to the idea. My choice. LOVED each other. LOVED! Not Love. You still love him but he LOVED you. He isn't IN LOVE with you anymore and anything you do can't change that. Only he can make that happen. You seem to hope he will eventually want to be with you again. What if he doesn't ever? You'll be alone forever waiting for this guy. Ahhhh yes the future planning. Of course. So now that he dumped you, do you still think your future will turn out to what you two planned? I don't think so. You said it yourself, "he was important enough for me (as I was to him at the time)", you USE to be important to him. It has been 16 months and this guy has not showed any interest in getting back together with you which obviously means your not important to him anymore like you were "at the time". If your not important to him now, what makes you think you will be in the future? You are right. You have no interest in meeting new people and you will just wait and wait and wait and wait until this guy MIGHT come back to you. JUST MIGHT. Remember, there was a REASON he left you and if he were to EVER come back, that reason would still be there. Or he would just be coming back because he has nobody else. I don't mean to sound mean about this but I'm trying to help you! This guy left you and you have been waiting for 16 months. You should stop waiting and forget about his guy. Move on and find someone who makes you happy. 4
Regrets58 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Can't speak from point of view of a dumper. However mine seems to want to stay in touch. Seems genuine enough on her side.I have reached a stage where casual contact feels fine. We are both with other people which helps,also BU was a "good" one. Am aware this contact may fizzle out,if it does it does.
Author Jingle14 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 LOVED each other. LOVED! Not Love. You still love him but he LOVED you. He isn't IN LOVE with you anymore and anything you do can't change that. Only he can make that happen. You seem to hope he will eventually want to be with you again. What if he doesn't ever? You'll be alone forever waiting for this guy. Ahhhh yes the future planning. Of course. So now that he dumped you, do you still think your future will turn out to what you two planned? I don't think so. You said it yourself, "he was important enough for me (as I was to him at the time)", you USE to be important to him. It has been 16 months and this guy has not showed any interest in getting back together with you which obviously means your not important to him anymore like you were "at the time". If your not important to him now, what makes you think you will be in the future? You are right. You have no interest in meeting new people and you will just wait and wait and wait and wait until this guy MIGHT come back to you. JUST MIGHT. Remember, there was a REASON he left you and if he were to EVER come back, that reason would still be there. Or he would just be coming back because he has nobody else. I don't mean to sound mean about this but I'm trying to help you! This guy left you and you have been waiting for 16 months. You should stop waiting and forget about his guy. Move on and find someone who makes you happy. I thought we were all on this forum to support each other, being in similar positions? I really don't need to be shouted at like this, and it's very upsetting. I am perfectly aware that he doesn't love me - I'm not stupid - that I am not important to him etc, I never said that I thought otherwise. I also don't for a minute imagine he will be back anytime in the future, so I am not waiting for that - my life isn't on hold, it is busy and full, but it doesn't mean I can cut him out of my mind as though he never existed because he did and I miss him. It's all too easy for people - and I include my friends in that - to say 'move on', 'forget him' etc etc but saying it doesn't make it so.
KatZee Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I thought we were all on this forum to support each other, being in similar positions? I really don't need to be shouted at like this, and it's very upsetting. I am perfectly aware that he doesn't love me - I'm not stupid - that I am not important to him etc, I never said that I thought otherwise. I also don't for a minute imagine he will be back anytime in the future, so I am not waiting for that - my life isn't on hold, it is busy and full, but it doesn't mean I can cut him out of my mind as though he never existed because he did and I miss him. It's all too easy for people - and I include my friends in that - to say 'move on', 'forget him' etc etc but saying it doesn't make it so. I think where that was coming from was a tough love perspective. Not to outright bash you. Whether or not you think so, you ARE holding yourself back. You're holding yourself back by continuing to try to contact him, you're holding yourself back by saying that you have no interest in trying to find someone else. Are you saying that because you genuinely want to be single? Or are you saying that because you feel you'll never feel what you felt for your ex for anyone else? If it's the latter, you're mistaken. I'm wondering who contacts who in your case. Are you always the initiator of the conversations? It kind of sounds that way from how you worded your post. I know you love him, don't want to forget him, or be out of his life, but honestly look at your situation. How much of a "friend" are you really to him? Do you guys hang out? Does he invite you out with his group of friends? Do you still see his family? Are you friends with his new woman, or have you been in the past? If you're not even a part of his life, then you're not a friend. You're "just somebody he used to know." And used to love. That chapter is over. The door is closed. I think it's unhealthy to continue asking him to come see your son. You worded it in the first post, "I hope you can come see your kid." That's not his kid. That's YOUR son. He is not your son's father. So why are you continuing to try to bring around a man who is neither father or partner of this boy or his mother? Don't you think that's a bit unhealthy and confusing to a child who's growing up? This is not a father figure. And it's a bit unhealthy to continue trying to bond your ex and your son. It's time to close the door to that chapter of your life. It's been long enough. It's time to look forward. Having a busy schedule doesn't really mean you're moving on or going anywhere. And releasing him doesn't mean you didn't love him or that you'll forget how you felt for him, it just means it's time to learn and experience something new. 1
Own Worst Enemy Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 his daughter and her son. the text was saying that she hoped he got to see his own daughter on her birthday. the problem is that she might as well have said "HI, I STILL LOVE YOU". because that is basically what it says. it doesn't matter what the contact says in a situation where it's long since over and you aren't normally in contact, if you are reaching out, out of the blue, then this is the subtext. OP, i feel a lot of sympathy, but i think the door has to be closed. if you're not willing to open it for someone else just now, that's your prerogative, but don't keep trying to reach out to him.
ReadMyThread Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I thought we were all on this forum to support each other, being in similar positions? I really don't need to be shouted at like this, and it's very upsetting. I am perfectly aware that he doesn't love me - I'm not stupid - that I am not important to him etc, I never said that I thought otherwise. I also don't for a minute imagine he will be back anytime in the future, so I am not waiting for that - my life isn't on hold, it is busy and full, but it doesn't mean I can cut him out of my mind as though he never existed because he did and I miss him. It's all too easy for people - and I include my friends in that - to say 'move on', 'forget him' etc etc but saying it doesn't make it so. I am trying to support you. I'm just trying to be straight forward with it so you can understand. You WILL find someone better than this guy and someone who makes you 10x happier but it won't happen if this guy is still in your head. You say you can't just cut him out of your mind. Well, put it this way, the day he DUMPED you, HE cut you out of his mind as if you NEVER existed! On top of that, he doesn't miss you. It hurts I know, I'm the same situation but you have to understand if someone breaks up with you, you have to look at it this way for YOURSELF. Just tell yourself you are better! AND IT IS HIS LOSS! Think of all the things you offer that he won't get from other girls. Your better than him and all the other girls he will be with. Be strong! 1
UPSandFedEx Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 While most people on here will tell you NC NC NC I find it doesn't work that way for us. We broke up, he is seeing someone else, he is still attracted to me but I am not going there with him. I miss him and honestly he is about the only person I can count on to do what he says he is going to do. We are in contact almost daily more along the lines of have a good day, how is your mom, mundane stuff. I have talked to my therapist about this among other things. She says as long as the contact is mutual then it is fine even if it hurts from time to time. People CAN be friends after a break up contrary to popular belief of the majority of this board. 2
witmadskilllz Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 While most people on here will tell you NC NC NC I find it doesn't work that way for us. We broke up, he is seeing someone else, he is still attracted to me but I am not going there with him. I miss him and honestly he is about the only person I can count on to do what he says he is going to do. We are in contact almost daily more along the lines of have a good day, how is your mom, mundane stuff. I have talked to my therapist about this among other things. She says as long as the contact is mutual then it is fine even if it hurts from time to time. People CAN be friends after a break up contrary to popular belief of the majority of this board. Although you are right about the possibilities of friendship after breakup, but more or less, there are billions of people on this planet to be friends with rather than with your ex.. It just isn't the same, it's like an emotional chess game. You can't really change the way you feel with a certain person.. old feelings will always resurface no matter what and it'll become awkward from time to time. I'd really ****ing hate to pretend as if nothing has happened between me and my ex if I were to befriend her. The amount of pain and suffering is not equivalent to a simple apology over the phone or in person. 1
Sugarkane Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Although you are right about the possibilities of friendship after breakup, but more or less, there are billions of people on this planet to be friends with rather than with your ex.. It just isn't the same, it's like an emotional chess game. You can't really change the way you feel with a certain person.. old feelings will always resurface no matter what and it'll become awkward from time to time. I'd really ****ing hate to pretend as if nothing has happened between me and my ex if I were to befriend her. The amount of pain and suffering is not equivalent to a simple apology over the phone or in person. A dumper actually apologize and admit they were wrong? I'd like to see that!
Sugarkane Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 While most people on here will tell you NC NC NC I find it doesn't work that way for us. We broke up, he is seeing someone else, he is still attracted to me but I am not going there with him. I miss him and honestly he is about the only person I can count on to do what he says he is going to do. We are in contact almost daily more along the lines of have a good day, how is your mom, mundane stuff. I have talked to my therapist about this among other things. She says as long as the contact is mutual then it is fine even if it hurts from time to time. People CAN be friends after a break up contrary to popular belief of the majority of this board. Why? So the ex can tell you your replacement is better than you? How they're in a better relationship now? I'm surprised your therapist said that. 1
CopingGal Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 While most people on here will tell you NC NC NC I find it doesn't work that way for us. We broke up, he is seeing someone else, he is still attracted to me but I am not going there with him. I miss him and honestly he is about the only person I can count on to do what he says he is going to do. We are in contact almost daily more along the lines of have a good day, how is your mom, mundane stuff. I have talked to my therapist about this among other things. She says as long as the contact is mutual then it is fine even if it hurts from time to time. People CAN be friends after a break up contrary to popular belief of the majority of this board. UpsAndFedEx, you wrote this in another post: "I feel in someways if I give him time he will come back but I feel I shouldn't wait. I can't deal with being around him as I cry everytime but I can't deal with not hearing from him every day." I was able to go right from bf-gf to best friends with one of my exes because our relationship was much, much, much, much more platonic that it should have been. We weren't lovers. We were more friends, so I slipped into the friend mold with no grieving. That was 8 years ago. We are the best of friends. But when we broke up back then, I had no desire to be his girlfriend. But this is different for you. You want to be with this person as a lover, as an intimate partner. I think friendship can work if you go NC and then work on your friendship a year or maybe years from now. But now your relationship is too fresh. If you keep this up you won't be able to have a healthy relationship because your heart is not free. It's not free, it's tied to your ex. You have to have a free heart in order to have a really good relationship. Anything else is going to be a rebound. Communicating with your ex every day is not the answer, as far as I'm concerned and I know your therapist thinks differently. You will continue to pine over your ex unless you set yourself free.
fucpcg Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 How? Because we loved each other, he didn't die, he just chose not to be with me. If only everything were quite so black and white. Yes, of course he's still on my mind - he was important enough for me (as I was to him at the time) to plan a future home with, to introduce him to my son, my family and friends, for us to be a part of each others families. To think I could just forget the person who I loved and adored more than I have ever loved any other partner, just because they dumped me, is unrealistic - I am not a robot. And I have no interest whatsoever in meeting anyone else, I am completely closed off to the idea. My choice. I feel ya.
suladas Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Why? So the ex can tell you your replacement is better than you? How they're in a better relationship now? I'm surprised your therapist said that. So many bitter people. There is plenty of times were you can be friends with your ex. I have friends who have zero issues being around their ex. Just because you don't want to, or don't feel it's possible doesn't mean it's not possible for others.
Sugarkane Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 So many bitter people. There is plenty of times were you can be friends with your ex. I have friends who have zero issues being around their ex. Just because you don't want to, or don't feel it's possible doesn't mean it's not possible for others. Wouldn't you be bitter if you got dumped for no reason By text, after a year. Maybe I just don't want people to be used and strung along, as it happens so much on here.
suladas Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Wouldn't you be bitter if you got dumped for no reason By text, after a year. Maybe I just don't want people to be used and strung along, as it happens so much on here. I'm not saying that. My problem is some people who got dumped harshly are making blanket statements about every situation. Many people aren't bitter towards their ex, and are fine with not being together. Sure some ex's don't deserve the other to forgive them and become friends, but not everyone is like that. I got dumped by text to, and had to bug my ex to even get that, she was fine with just fading away. I know all about it.
mishy Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 i think that if someone dumps you then it should be THEM that initiates any contact. If he wants you back he has to make all the effort. All he should be getting from you is complete stone cold silence.
phuongnn Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 My god, 16 months and you are still in love with this guy. Your feelings are exactly what I feel right now. Im still deeply madly in love with my ex but you have to hold your dignity intact. Be strong and refrain yourself. That's what Im telling myself. You wrote " I would hate to think he was there rolling his eyes and thinking 'God, not her again!'" so bear that in mind and hold yourself strong. I can tell you now that it IS his reaction and all you lose is your dignity.
Sugarkane Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I'm not saying that. My problem is some people who got dumped harshly are making blanket statements about every situation. Many people aren't bitter towards their ex, and are fine with not being together. Sure some ex's don't deserve the other to forgive them and become friends, but not everyone is like that. I got dumped by text to, and had to bug my ex to even get that, she was fine with just fading away. I know all about it. It must still be weird/ odd even If it is amicable. I just hate it how the dumpee is always wanting to bend over backwards for the dumpers on here. When they rarely care or would do the same.
Regrets58 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Sugarkane,I was dumped but I understood her reasons. In fact I probably agree with her on balance,so no bitterness. She seems to want to be friends and I am pretty sure it is genuine. It is the anniversary of losing my wife today. Got a lovely text from ex asking how i was coping. It is just the sort of thing a friend would do,have to admit was quite touched.
suladas Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 It must still be weird/ odd even If it is amicable. I just hate it how the dumpee is always wanting to bend over backwards for the dumpers on here. When they rarely care or would do the same. I'm not friends with my ex, haven't spoke to her in almost 3 months. I have no interest being friends with my ex. I'd be happy to talk to her when I run into her because we live next door to each other, but beyond that nope. It's not because it would weird, it's just because our lives are different and being friends would never work. I'm not going to bendover backwards for her, I am considering trying to be the bigger person and smooth things over but I don't know if I will.
simpilot Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 In this situation of that long with NC, go ahead and contact them for a cup of coffee or to hang out. You have nothing to lose despite what others may say. You still have feelings so put them to the test. I am not telling you to call them up and ask for them back, in fact never bring that up. Just by having contact with them such as lunch or coffee all the old memories will flood back to them without the remembrance of you begging or pleading (not saying you did). You don't have to hate your ex, you loved them at one point didn't you and they did the same! If they spark interest in you without wanting sex and BRING UP that they want to date again well by all means go for it if you are both single. It is important to not expect that they want to jump back in your arms, if you were dumped it is not your choice unfortunately. Play it cool and see how friends go. If they ignore you or don't have much to say I wouldn't waste your time. If they love you THEY will tell you. Don't use a meet up as an excuse to cry and confess feelings. People hate being painted into a corner and will do anything to get out of that feeling.
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