Desperate to get the love back

[Rollercoaster82]

New here and seriously struggling in my 1,5-year-old marriage. Sorry, this is probably going to be a long post, but there are several issues and they all lead to the same confusing issue...I'm not sure if I really love my husband anymore, yet at the same time I am desperate to get our marriage back on track and get those loving feelings back.

 

So where to start? My husband and I met each other 4 years ago and we had an instant attraction/connection. Things moved pretty fast for us and he proposed after 1 year. It was really an amazing relationship, in my eyes at least (and his too, this I know for sure). We weren't just bf/gf, we were best buddies as well, always hanging out together, even if our friends were involved, having the same interests, liking the same stuff. It was great. What made it even more brilliant is that I trusted him 100% and even in light of what happened recently, I still truly believe that at that time he wasn't interested in any other women and had no intention to cheat ever! There was never anything that could be construed as a red flag in the first 3 years since we had our first date and, sure, even though he noticed other good-looking women (as does every guy), he always told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him and, what's more, he wouldn't get along with all these other girls as well as he does with me. In other words, we both felt we finally found our soulmate.

 

Before I go into what happened next, I have to add that my husband was diagnosed with bipolar (manic-depression), so what happened next does have to be seen in light of that.

 

Fastforward a few years and roughly 5 months into our marriage. The business my husband was working for at the time (he actually helped build up the local call centre from scratch with a few other people) was expanding rapidly and attracting a lot of young, single employees, whose main goal in life was to go out, get drunk and party. Before my husband was introduced to these people he had left his 'party animal days' well and truly behind him. We did go out together, especially early on in our relationship, but around that time he just preferred to stay home with me, watch TV, hang out, etc. Even during the time when I was working late every Friday night and he had every opportunity to go out with friends, he preferred to stay at home, wait for me and we'd order in a take-away or something. He just had no interest in anything else. Now, when this business started expanding and people started asking him to go out at weekends, things changed dramatically (one of my husband's bad points: very influentiable!). I was kinda sad at the time our quiet life had come to an end, but I let him have his fun. However, things started to get from bad to worse. He started coming home drunk after these nights out, telling me stuff like how all these gorgeous 18-year-olds were hanging around him and all he had to do was flash his credit card and they'd be up for it. This started happening more and more frequently and, even though he didn't do anything and always came home to me, it hurt he was starting to notice other women in a sexual way. All of a sudden, he also started to have a problem with the fact that I would be the only woman he would ever sleep with for the rest of his life and he started talking to me about maybe going to a prostitute just to get it out of his system. It was like a complete personality overhaul. My sweet, devoted, adoring husband had (in my eyes) turned into a sex fiend. We tried to have a few weeks apart, but didn't help at all. In fact, while I was away he came on to some woman he worked with while in a club and ended up kissing her. I found out about this (despite his strange behaviour, he always confessed to me almost straight after something happened) and started putting two and two together.

 

His dad and other people in his dad's family also suffer from bipolar and his dad has been on medication for over 30 years. When he goes off it for whatever reason, he literally goes crazy. My husband was already exhibiting other strange behaviour...spending loads of money on stripclubs, hardly sleeping but going out every night and going to work the next day, telling me he loved me one minute and he wanted a divorce the next...the list is endless. I confronted him with the idea that I thought he was manic (the high phase of bipolar illness) and he agreed to go to a psychiatrist and was put on meds straightaway. But for about 6 months the strange behaviour didn't stop. He was still loving me on minute, hating me the next. Still going out and fooling around with this other woman he worked with (the one he kissed), then coming home to me and crying about it. We obviously had many arguments, but I was just waiting for the meds to properly kick in (it can take up to a year with some people) and hoping things would go back to normal. We took another week off from each other when I went to visit my family who live abroad and during that week I made the mistake to tell him I couldn't live with his feelings for this other woman anymore and we should split up. Maybe stupidly I thought this would make him realize how much he had lost. Instead, he straightaway went into a relationship with this other woman, then after a week begged me to come back home and confessed what had been happening. I know this all sounds too bizarre to be true, but this is actually very common for people with bipolar. Your thoughts are totally skewed and you make the wrong decisions based on that. Also, I have to add the relationship never became sexual as she refused to sleep with him until he got divorced.

 

Flashforward to now. For the past few months, the meds have started working and my husband has gotten better but still not the man I used to know. He stopped seeing the OW, is kind and caring again, loves me to the world and back, gives me compliments and affection and swears never to cheat again or put me through anything like that again. When I ask him about this period in his life, he can't remember a lot of things, even things that happened between us or that he said to me. But he feels terrible for betraying me like that and really doesn't know why he did it. He can still get emotionally detached, however, and I can't talk to him the way I used to. The thing is, I don't know if this part of his disease will get better over time with the right medication or if it is going to stay like this forever - balanced, but not the man I fell in love with, not exactly the same anyway. I'm also not sure if his experiences (before this happened, for instance, he was not so confident with women and most of his ex'es chased him rather then the other way around, now he knows that he could go into a club and pick up other women without a problem) have changed him forgood and for the worse.

 

To make matters worse (and this is a bit of a seperate issue), in a bout of total honesty he recently told me that when he was single he visited prostitutes. Now, if he had told me this at the start of the relationship, I'm not sure if this would have bothered me. We all have a sexual past, I had casual sex before I met him and I knew he did and it never bothered me in the slightest. But he always maintained in the past that, even though his friends did it, he wasn't into that kind of thing and, well, I guess I respected him for that. I kinda feel that he should have either told me from the start or kept it a secret forever, cause now I feel I have to re-eveluate him as a person. I'm definitely not a prude and never had a problem with prostitutes or men that visit them before I met him, so I'm trying to figure out if it is the 'little white lie' (as he calls it - he says he was embarrassed and that's the only reason he did not tell me) that bothers me or if so much has happened between us recently, that this admission was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.

 

We are currently planning to move back to the UK to be closer to his family and his and my friends after having lived abroad for a few years. I'm looking forward to moving back as I have missed the UK very much and (despite not being the country I was born in) I feel it is my one true home. I'm hoping that this new/old environment will help him revert to his old self, away from the druggies and party animals and (most importantly) away from the woman he had an affair with, as he still has to work with her for the time being (we are moving in December). He hates seeing her and being around her, but at the same time he is still attracted to her on a level and it's making things worse for his mental state and for our relationship.

 

To make a very, very, very long story short...I'm terribly confused. I'm not as naive as to think that moving back is just going to bring all those old feelings back like nothing ever happened. And right now, he's not the problem...I am! I'm making his life even more difficult by constantly being upset/depressed/jealous/paranoid and he's not giving me any reason to right now. In fact, since he started to get better, he has been more loving than ever. But the feelings won't go away. Getting divorced is the last thing I want to do, but if I don't love him anymore and he can't make me happy anymore, then what choice do I have? Is there anyone out there who has some advice on how to deal with the (often delusional) thoughts in my head, how to try and forget and move on and accept that the affair was, admittedly, a terrible thing to do, but one fueled by a mental illness and not something he would do when 'normal'. And accept that the prostitute thing was just a sexual experience from the past and that's where it should stay? He has never slept with anyone else for as long as we have been together, despite the difficulties, should that count for something?

 

I just don't know what to do or what decision to make...

[BetheButterfly]

This is exactly WHY I will have nothing to do with bi-polars.

 

Then again, it would seem you've given him a free ticket to ride and keep excusing away all his crappy behavior because he IS bi-polar.

 

You can either sign up for a lifetime of this crap or choose to get out while you can. Me? I'd already be gone.

 

My sister and my Dad both have bipolar. They didn't ask for it; they just have it. it doesn't mean that they are bad people at all, anymore than having cancer would make someone "bad." Cancer, bipolar, and other diseases and disorders are sadly a part of an imperfect earth. It doesn't make the people who suffer from them bad.

 

Rather, it takes understanding, acceptance, and love for people to have good relationships with people who are suffering from various diseases and disorders. It takes education to learn how to help people who suffer from them and how to live with them in love.

 

OP,

 

There are community groups in different places that support people with bipolar and their loved ones. I recommend finding one and seeing how that goes. Maybe meeting with people who are going through the same difficulty can help. I know it helps my parents and my sister and her husband. (I have 3 sisters, and only 1 is bipolar but my Dad is bipolar and we think my Dad's Mom was too, hence it is a genetic issue but those who do not have this genetic issue love and appreciate those who do because we see them as who they are: people.)

 

As for the prostitution thing, I personally would have a huge problem with that whereas I don't with bipolar. The reason is prostitution affects the minds of those who do it and it is very hard for them not to resort to that or to having an affair (having sex for "free") when they feel the urge again...

 

For many people, sex outside of marriage can be addictive and for bipolar people caught up in it, it is a challenge to get free from it. My Dad never went to a prostitute but he did get hooked on pornography when he was a kid. Thankfully however, he as gotten free from that addiction and talks to other men about its dangers, including how it hurt my Mom and their marriage. It took time though for him to be completely free.

 

What my Mom will tell you is that it is difficult to be married to a person who had bipolar and you have to really decide if you are "tough" enough to endure the bad times when they come. If you are not, then it might be good to divorce. However, if you truly love him and care for him and consider yourself able to weather the storms (and with bipolar people, storms often come... though storms come as well with people who do not have bipolar) then stay.

 

My Mom, if she were writing you, would encourage you to find a support group and yeah, make sure your husband is taking his meds. Also, it is very important to have boundaries. My Mom almost left my Dad when he at first refused to take medicine. She told him how in order for her to stay, he would need to take medicine and to control his tongue (because he used to say things that hurt her but later on not remember it.) Thank God, he has done so and now both are very happy and their marriage is stronger than ever!!! That is a great blessing to both of my parents.

 

I will ask my Mom to write advice for a person who is married to a person with bipolar and see about posting it here for you. It might take awhile though because my Mom is busy with getting her college degree. (She dropped out of college when she had me and is now getting her education.) I am so proud of her and Dad. Dad supports her and is so proud of her too!!!

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP

 

First, I really feel for you. You have tolerated a lot, and are now reacting.

 

You are uncertain now who you are dealing with, in your H. I imagine that a little of the wild fun guy, might have been peeking out and part of the initial attaction between you two. Except that when he is properly manic it is out of control.

 

Meds or not, he may have another episode. Only time will show.

 

In the meantime the issue is, what do you want? In your words "right now, he's not the problem...I am! I'm making his life even more difficult by constantly being upset/depressed/jealous/paranoid and he's not giving me any reason to right now".

 

Seems to me this is the "for worse" part of "for better or worse"...for him! After the "in sickness" part of "in sickness and in health" for you.

 

Except of course the origin is your husbands problem and to some extent, esponsibility. Perhaps I should say "diminished responsibility" because there's the issue. If it was just his free undistorted choice, I'd be inclined to divorce. If it's diminished responsibility ..... who wants to be married to someone with severely impaired ability to be responsible?

 

The thing with prostitutes ... A bit icky, but as you say you had your own casual sex encounters. Is the thing there, a bit of buyers remorse with your H, like saying "The suspension on this car is shot...if I'd known about the cracked wing mirror I might not have bought it"? Understandable feeling, if so, but the significant thing is the A.

 

I observe, you don't mention depression so your H may be one of those lucky ones without a real low. That's a real bonus .... Depression is awful for the spouse.

 

I know one bipolar woman. Delightful when high, but starts things that then have to be unwound later.

 

It's a tough one. If you stay there will presumably be kids. A bipolar parent, sucks. OTOH it's early days. You might want to wait, see if it happens again in next 2 years or so. What a dilemma.

 

I wish you clarity of thought and warm regards, OP.

Edited October 17, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Rollercoaster82]

Thank you all for your input and understanding. FamilyGuy, the kids is another issue. If none of the above would have ever happened we would probably be trying for a baby after we move back. Of course, under the circumstances, it's not an idea I'm entertaining at the moment. I will be 31 in March, so I don't have a lifetime to wait. And I do want kids eventually. It's just another consideration that makes the decision harder. If I was a few years younger it wouldn't be such a big deal to see what happens over the next few years, now my decision could and probably will affect my life forever.

 

My husband has lows but no real debilitating depression. His PDoc says he definitely has a tendency for mania. Can't figure out if this is a blessing in disguise.

 

BeTheButterfly, very nice to hear from someone who has experiences with this awful disease too. Sounds like your dad is a fantastic guy, despite the disease. It takes real courage and strength of character to work on yourself like that and take responsibility for the hurt you cause your family and spouse. I guess I'm doubting whether my husband has the maturity and strength to do the same. Deep down I'm still hoping he will surprise me with a miracle.