TheFemaleVoice Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 My husband got a job as a car salesmen 6 months ago, the hours are harsh 8am-8pm and sometimes longer. He works 6 days a week. when he gets home he usually goes to bed around 10:00 so he only has 2 hours of "relaxation time." We have a 18month old son whom i am home watching all day, while keeping house and cooking dinner. When he gets home the first thing he does i plop down on the bed and play a video game. I feel like he spends no time with us at all. He says hes "too tired" its soo frustrating because i am really missing the adult conversation, and what is worse it that he just invited his best friend to live with us with out even asking me first. Now i am sooo alone as they now work together and ride together, our family day is no longer family day....I am so beyond frustrated..our sex life has gotten terrible hes 27 and im 23, so there should be nooo problem there. Im not an ugly girl and he would never cheat, it always just comes back to him being to tired. I feel he is being to selfish with his relaxin time, he could spend an hour with me and our son and then spend his other hour doing whatever...am i being selfish or overthinking this too much? I just miss him and the way things use to be between us..p.s weve been married for almost 3 years
Pyro Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 The inviting his friend to stay without talking to you is ridiculous and he is in the wrong for that. He definitely works hard to support you and the baby so he deserves his relaxation time but the kid should come first. I agree that he should split the time between his family and his hobbies. 2
CC12 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 The inviting his friend to stay without talking to you is ridiculous and he is in the wrong for that. Seriously. This seems like a bigger problem than not spending his free time with you, OP. What does he do on his day off? Does he spend quality time with you and the baby? If so, then I would lay off a little bit about the two hours a day he has to himself. After working a 12 hour shift 6 days a week, the guy deserves some downtime to relax and unwind. Maybe you can ask him to spend 30 minutes eating dinner with the family on weeknights, then he can have the rest of the hour and a half to himself. That seems reasonable to me. I know it sucks for you to not see him very much, but I'm sure it sucks just as much for him to be working 72+ hours per week. You have to do what you have to do, though.
Author TheFemaleVoice Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 thanks a bucnh guys, you both make very valid points. It is indeed much bigger than this post, but im just trying to make things better one day at a time, perhaps i should lay off him a tad, but sunday is our "family day" and now that his friend is living with us he not spending too much quality time with the baby and mysef. we argue so much now because of lack of time and communcation
CC12 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 sunday is our "family day" and now that his friend is living with us he not spending too much quality time with the baby and mysef. Sunday should remain "family day" and should typically not involve his friend at all. 30 minutes on workdays and the majority of Sunday is not too much time to ask of him. You're his wife, ffs. Plus, it's not just about you. He has a kid he should be spending time with, as well. Have you sat him down and talked about this with him? When/why do the fights happen?
Author TheFemaleVoice Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 the last family day his friend came with us, we left the other town we go to very soon after we arrived and instead of shopping with me, him and his friend went one way and me and the baby the other way. they excluded me from all conversations there and back..i just feel non exsistent...its soo terrible..he always thinks im over-reacting..am !?!???
make me believe Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 NO, you are not being selfish or over reacting! There is no way you can sustain a happy marriage with him working 12 hours a day 6 days a week. 30 minutes of quality time a day is not nearly enough, and I'm shocked that people are suggesting that it should be. His job should not come at the expense of your marriage unless both of you are willing to accept an unhappy marriage or an inevitable divorce. I mean, really -- do you see any way for both of you to be happy if things continue as they are? Your marriage needs to come BEFORE anything else. It sounds like his favorite time right now is either alone with his video games, or with his friend. He sees you as another responsibility to tend to, not as somebody to spend relaxing, positive time with. This needs to change. You should be his FAVORITE person to spend time with! His friend needs to find somewhere else to live (you should demand this), and your husband needs to find a job that doesn't leave him too exhausted to spend time with his wife and child at the end of the day. That's the bottom line. 30 minutes a day during the week, and "family day" (which is a huge stretch given your current situation) on Sunday is not going to cut it.
CC12 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 30 minutes of quality time a day is not nearly enough, and I'm shocked that people are suggesting that it should be. Shocked, really? Calm down. Thirty minutes was suggested (by me) because it sounds like there is zero quality time right now. I think it's a good starting point. There's really no reasonable excuse for him to be unable to do 30 minutes. And it at least would show the OP that her husband is willing to compromise and dedicate time to them, and I bet that it would make her feel a lot less hopeless about her marriage. She's a stay at home mom, and he has to work to provide for them. I'm sure it's not ideal for either of them that he works 72+ hours per week. But it's his job. It's a responsibility. He can try to find another job with better hours, but until that happens, they're both stuck trying to make this one work for them. And I don't think pressuring him to give up all of his free time is fair.
standtall Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 (edited) Voice, from a family man's perspective, you're not being un-reasonable. It sounds like your husband wants to still be single. Too bad though, your husband choose his path and the responsibilities that came with it. Your marriage and family is new and you need to establish acceptable behavior right away, or this will become a major source of conflict for the rest of your marriage. Start reading this forum and you will see that quite often when the man spends to much time on himself or his job, then he will lose his wife's respect, and she and the kids will move on without him. Tell him that you respect the hard work that does to provide, but he needs spend less time with the xbox and set and example for his young child. Nobody here knows your spouse like you do, so how you go about doing that is up to you, but I would recommend that you choose a path that does not get him defensive, otherwise he may do the exact opposite if he is an alpha personality. I would say the odds are high that he is an alpha if he is a car salesman and you're a SAHM. 1. Ask yourself.."what are your objectives". I assume it is to get him to spend more time with his family and less with his friends/hobbies. 2. How do you accomplish that objective. With him being a dominant person, that is the hard part...one of the best things to do is to change the way you deal with him. You can't force him to change his behavior..he has to want to do it. I would start by spending time on yourself and have him spend time with his child alone..not babysitting, but parenting. You can do this by getting a job as the OP's stated, or getting out and having some adult interactions with friends/going to the gym/hobbies Oh..I can't believe I forgot about that friend thing. That's a big problem...he has got to go.I would say you can lay down the law with that one and say it is a deal breaker..is it? Either way, he won't know your feelings about it unless you tell him. Edited October 17, 2012 by standtall
mass millz Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 (edited) We had our 1st son in our early twenties. I worked an hour from home and a 9 hour shift of physical labor, unloading 40ft containers 3-4 of them a day + other duties. She stayed at home with our son and kept the place right all day. Food shopping, laundry, taking care of our son all the domesticated house wife work...The hardest job with no pay I call it. At 21 years old and yes very attractive I wouldn't exactly say she was thrilled with where her life was at. So I would pay her back with my time when I came home. I always had a hot meal and a cold drink on the table coming through the door. My kid was always happy, well dressed, clean and all that. So to say, I think a full time mom is a full time job who is working the same hours with no pay all alone. After dinner would be where we come together as a team and clean up, wash our son, put him to sleep etc etc. Then it's time for both to relax...Playing video games is selfish and should be done on complete alone time. There is nothing wrong with wanting attention from your spouse after a long day for both of you. Suggest a movie for after baby goes to sleep, Grab the x box controller and learn how to play and beat him in multi-player battles, Make a pot of coffee and turn into chatter bugs.....um sex of course. Initiate together time, if all else fails at least you tried... But seriously family first, relationship second, alone time playing video games "relaxing" last! And the friend has to go, Nothing wrong with a weekend crasher but to move in without the approval of his baby mother is wrong!! Edited October 17, 2012 by mass millz 1
strongnrelaxed Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Was he like this before you got married? This is a key thing. If he has always been this way then you cannot expect him to change. You should also be careful about nagging him. I am not saying you are, nor am I taking sides, but this sort of behavior is the typical passive aggressive response to an overly aggressive wife who will not stop being verbally abusive. Do not respond to me. Just answer the question for yourself. Remember this - you cannot change another person, you can only change your own behavior.
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