belkin2 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 (edited) So this might be kind of a complex question and I want to narrow things down a bit. Instead of suggesting only people in healthy and satisfying sex lives reply I will say lets assume you are in a healthy and satisfying sex life with your SO. Question is...when special occasions like birthdays, holidays, anniversary, night away w/out kids, etc come around is sex part of the celebrating that occasion? Do you and your spouse look forward to sex at those times and expect it in a healthy way? I am trying hard these days not to have expectations for sex at any time for any reason. Also trying to not compare my current relationship in any way to past experiences. That said, it seems to me that in all my past LTRs sex was involved in moments like that. Celebrating our 8th anniversary today. No sex. I am not surprised by this, but a little disappointed. Without going into that whole side story there may be some health concerns preventing it right now so I pretty much knew there was little chance. But its always been this way and we are supposed to be working on our relationship including our physical relationship so my disappointment is more in the fact that the idea of it was completely ignored. Edited October 17, 2012 by belkin2 spelling
Balzac Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Oh wow, how sad. Sex is a big part of milestone celebrations. It's expected and highly anticipated.
Saba Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I have tried to write this post about 10 times and have deleted it each time because I was not explaining it well so now I am keeping it short. Here goes anyway:- Sex is a part of celebrations in my relationship. Sex is expected on special occasions so it is anticipated (not that it isn't at other times). Do you think that talking about sex ahead of time (regardless of the health issues) might have helped? I like to be told I am desired. Also because there is a health concern maybe a massage might have been a nice way to end the evening. Never too late...
Author belkin2 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Saba, I am not sure how helpful talking about it would have been. My wife and I have been going to MC for probably 8 months now and my story is documented here in other posts if you care to read up on it. My projecting any kind of expectation of sex has long been an issue for my wife and one that has contributed to her pulling away from our sex life. So I tend to stay away from suggesting it ahead of time and let it be something that either does or doesn't happen when I approach her. Recent events made me hesitate to initiate on our anniversary. It just got me thinking about this concept overall. Not sure I could tell you the last birthday or holiday we had sex and the last time we went away together for a night it was a strained experience, but was before we started making some progress going to MC. We have made plans for a Sat to Sun overnight stay in a few weeks for an anniversary get away (timing just worked better to go then). Away from the kids and the responsibilities of our lives for two days, celebrating our marriage...I desire sex to be involved. We have plans to do some things and I look forward to that time as well. But this may be a situation where she pulls away from it thinking about me expecting it. While I sit expecting and hoping she brings some desire and interest to the table. So I think its something that will need to be discussed ahead of time. I don't want to elaborate the entire back story of what has been going in with her health, but it should be sufficient to state that she has experienced bleeding after sex and some irregular periods. She has asked her doctor about it in the past and he has not been concerned. A few weeks ago she tried to call to make an appointment and got frustrated that she couldn't get through. Things seemed to normalize so the issue was tabled for a bit, but now it happened again. For a week I had no idea she was concerned about it or having issues until she said she was afraid to have sex when I tried to initiate. She got upset and said she hasn't tried calling because logistically it is a pain (working it into scheduling and get babysitter) and those kinds of appointments are scary and not fun. I feel I wasn't given a chance to help her with it or provide any kind of support because she kept it from me. It is not uncommon for me to take time off of work so she can attend something such as an appt like this. And I just keep wondering...what was the plan? How long would she have waited and would she told me on her own had I never brought up having sex? For all I know it would have gone on weeks and we would have gone on our vacation only to find out she doesn't want to have sex because of this health concern. I know it sucks and its scary, but A) its her health and B) it is tied to the one thing she knows has been a major issue between us. Sorry for the tangent. I am very interested in hearing more takes on my original question.
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