just need to vent

[steelpantherrocks]

hey, i have been trolling this site since my world kinda got flipped upside down late August. I guess looking for people in similar senarios to kind of relate too. if i could id like to give you a brief back ground..

i am 36, my ex is 25. we met 4.5 yrs ago. i had just gotten out of a 5 yr relationship 2 months prior (that realtionship had been over for quite some time) and she had just left a 2 year one prob 1.5 months prior too that. we connected through friends she lived about 2 hours away so i drove too see her one night. i went there with no expectations. i was very attracted too her so i went with the intention of having a good time and meeting a new girl. anyway we hit it off great actually as odd as it sounds we talked about our previous relationships. long story short we went back to her place later and we slept together. the next day i felt this incrediable connection with her. she was a very mature 21 yr old. she felt the same way as we were very attracted to one another. anyways for the next 6 months we didnt spend one weekend apart eventually with her moving where i live and into the house i had just bought..

 

 

She was a very affectionate girl at first. we couldnt keep our hands off one another, our weekends were filled with sex and always had something to do. it was like a holiday everyweekend with her. we fell in love quite quickly, the age gap didnt ever matter. we felt confortable around eachother and all that mattered was that we were together. i drove 9 hrs to see her in her hometown to turn around the next morning to drive back. i loved this girl...

 

 

things i didnt notice however was a few red flags that now that i think about were things i guess i was blinded by because of the lust i had for this girl. she was a slob, her house was a disaster, her car was worse. also she had a very distorted view on herself, she was extremly insecure. this girl is beautiful i mean curves great skin, pretty face etc etc, but she always told me when she looked in the mirror she saw ugly. she had a poor opinion of her looks and was extremly jelous..

 

 

you never really know someone untill you live with them.this is something i now believe with all my heart. she moved in and the first few weeks were good. anyway the little petty fights we started having were all to do with house work etc. then the cell phone going through, then facebook hacking etc etc. we had given eachother our passwords to everything, emails fb etc, yup i know dumb move, and we also disclosed secrets to one another about cheating in past relationships. so im a pretty confident type of guy, never had a hard time landing decent looking girls. i do well financially and have the best family in the world. she came from a broken home, her dad cheated alot on the mom, the mom was submissive to her new husband and it was def a huge difference from what i was used too.. anyway she never ever told me about abuse or anything like that but i found out later on that she had eating disorders all through high school. possibly why her self esteem was so low.

 

 

the next few years were ok, we were intimate usually a few times a week, she wasnt very adventerous after we moved in though seemed almost routine as time went on. i did alot for her in regards to spicing things up, id suprise her after work with a bath and wine or id lights candles in the room etc.i had told her my kind of fantasies which were not outrageous by any means but she never was able to follow through with them.

 

our fights over the years consisted of me getting upset with her lack of affection, or her inability to do simple household chores. i had moved out of my own bedroom to make room for her to put her clothes and things, but that still didnt help matters. she always said she wanted to organize the house but that never happened.. also there had been incidents over theyears of me getting caught in little white lies to prevent bigger fights. i know i was lying and some will say a lie is a lie. but, because she was so jelous and worried about me cheating whenever there was any interaction with girls wether it be fb, or gym, or work, id always get the iterogation and made felt like i was doing something wrong. i never acted disrespectful towards her ever. i always put her on a way above everyother girl there out there. the lies were stupid and super petty but she seemed to always catch me. i tried with everything inside me to stop the lying but i was programmed to just avoid the truth. when she got mad at me she used to go quiet for hours and hours, im the opposite i need to talk about things now, so its a classic cat and mouse type thing.

 

i am the breadwinner, i pay for vehicles bills plus mortgage, she contributed very little. i suggested to her to use the money she was going to use to contribute more to pay off her debt instead. i never asked her for money, ever. we travelled a tonne always with me paying for us both. groceries i bought 90 percent of the time. household items i bought. she offered at times to contribute more but it was never a money thing. all i wanted was her to contribute in other ways and make me feel like she apreciated it. as time went on she began to expect it. i began to resent her a bit. he end of the deal wasnt being held up. she became lazy and began almost not caring. the car i paid for was a disaster almost embarrasing. i asked her to help out more and her response later on was well you only work 5 hrs a day why cant you.

 

her grandmother passed away last year, she was very close to her almost her best friend of sorts. i was there on a emotiional level to support her through all the times she needed me too be. she had spent alot of time at the hospital and i was very nervous because i knew when her granny died eventually that she was going to be a mess. she eventually died and she took it alot better than i thought. we came home after the funeral and she sat me down and said i grieve a certain way i need you to be paitent with me and know i am gonna go into a dark place so just let me be and know ill be alright. pretty simple hey. well later on she holds it against me that i wasnt supportive of her and that basically i let her cry alone etc etc, but in fact she would cry in the bathroom alone so how am i supposed to know she was crying.

 

this is one incident that to this day she holds against me. the other is that i took her away from her grandma when she moved in with me. anyway after her death we began to fall apart. she began to change. she didnt care as much, we would fight about stupid things alot more and then she began to act out when she drank. numerous times she would go away with friends to other cities and go and have fun. i never minded but i did however have expectations of her. oh we got engaged 2 yrs ago too i forgot too add that. anyway i wanted her to let me know when she got home if she was out at the bar and let me know a bit of time in advance when she planned these trips not spring them on me with out discussing them first. of course id get upset and get mad at her because shed say oh by the way next weekend im going here to see so and so. as this past year went on she became more and more distant, i became the same. she wasnt hardly talking to me much and we kind of lost that spark. in july she met this single skank that i knew right off the hop was gonna be trouble. they instantly became best friends. you see my ex didnt have any rel girlfriends other than wives or girlfriends of my friends so this was a girl who was all hers. they were in seperable. talked hourly texting on the phone etc. we fought alot about her, i said i didnt like it too much but eventually i accepted it and i thought all was well.

she was very distant and i began to kind of become interested in someone else. i didnt act on anything but it was nice to have someone want you so badly even if it was purley a lust thing. i resisted this girl many times and then finally i looked at myself and decided i was going to re committ myself to my girl. aug was great but she had gone away a few times and basically was drunk for 3 days. i always worried that this day was gonna come i even said to her in earlier years that i never wanted to pressure her to making a committment if she felt as though she needed to party again, cause i wasnt interested she told me she had been there done that and that it was over rated.. anyway she had a bad habbit of going out and not texting me when she was home if she wasnt in town, i worried alot and she knew how sick it made me, alls id get was a text in the morning that she was sorry and it seemed very fake. i wont sleep when that happens and she was well aware of it. it happened more frequently over the last 3 months of our relationship.

 

 

wow this is becomming a book. anyway fast forward to the presnt day. i figured out that our issues never got resolved. she used everything i ever did against me always when we argued. she brought up the past 9 out of 10 times. she didnt help me out at home and i began to get more and more inpaitient with her. it all came to a head one night when i got a text message from a friend (girl) asking where WE were. she asked who it was and because our relationship was falling apart i didnt want to stir the pot so i tried to play it off that it was a guy buddy but in fact it was a girl who we both knew. she always thought this girl wanted to get with me so i knew if i told her who it was shed freak and ask me the 100 routine questions.anyway i just ended up telling her and she just went silent, my relationship ended right there. she gave me back my ring said we were done and basically i went through the most stressful month of my life..

 

i went to see a therapist that following thursday i wanted to know why i was lying to her all the time. why i was getting angry with her and why things were just not working out. after the session she asked me to invite my ex into the next session. she agreed and we went. we came up with a plan basically i was to move out for one month and give her time and space to think things through. i enede up staying with my parents, her job was to keep the house clean etc etc while i was gone. we were suposed to go on a date once a week. we did the first week and it was nice, i got her flowers and we had a good nite. that following weekend she went away to see her sister and mom and she was n contact with me somewhat but it was always short responses and obviously she was doing it because she felt she had too. the next week wasnt all that great i was begining to get stressed out more and more as she wouldnt touch me or let me touch her. she was distant and cold to me. she said her feelings hadnt changed and she didnt want to give me false sense of hope.

 

 

the final weekend went like this..went home friday asked her to let me know when she got home that night as she was going out. she said of course.. 230 am i sent a text asking if she needed a ride home.. answered back no i am at her friends place. keep in mind i am at my moms, and she is living in my house still. i texted her again asked if she was going home. no answer. no answer till 11am the next day and all i got was im sorry i shoulda been more clear as to what i was doing. i didnt sleep all night had to work the next day. i was sick to my stomache and so stressed out. i went home that night to find her face down on the bed sleeping because she was so hung over, i told her i accepted her apoligy explained to her that she cant do that to me as it makes me have the worst anxiety. so i had to go to a party that night and she was going out for dinner with those same people again. well she did the exact same thing again that night. i called her at 230 am and asked if she was comming home and the response i got was why do you even care, who cares if i do or dont.. well i snapped, yelled at her and in a moment of rage i told her she had to leave my house. i basically kicked her out. i began throwing her clothes etc out of the bedroom and did so for half hour. i finally calmed down and passed out . when i woke up i looked over at the mess and my heart broke. i began cleaning it up for her. she didnt end up comminghome till 1 the next day. when she did she was very upset at me and said she was moving out. she had planned on moving out at the end of september anyway she wanted her independance but we decided that we would just start out slow and work our way back to the way we were.. well after that night she said we were done and she proceeded to move out. she tried to play the poor me card said she was going to stay with that same girl and share her bed for a week untill she could move into her place. well if her bed was good enough for 2 nights whats another week. so she then decided to tell me she was moving into my friends suite. i was upset as how could my friend do this too me. but of course she didnt care.

 

 

we have been apart for 3 weeks. i am taking things day by day, we have vehicles to deal with still but she wont answer my calls texts or emails. i have written letters long texts and emails explaining that we could have it all if we communicated better. anyway i miss her a tonne, and even though she is done with me, i feel in my heart deep down that we are not done. she said she needs to be 25 and pay her own way and experience things. she said she fell out of love with me, and that she was trying to leave me for a year. now every conversation we have is her blamming me for everything and making me feel like ****. i have asked her to see me to talk and she says not a good idea. she doesnt contact me unless she wants something and is out everyother night at the bar.. i didnt deserve this. i supported her and tried with everything i had to make this work and she just bailed on us. sorry for the novel..

[Jn1]

You have written a novel . Took me a while to go through it. Are u feeling better?

I am guessing from what you have mentioned no you don't deserve to be treated like a door mate. I guess you should move on I know it is hard but seems like the right thing to do.

This doesn't mean to jump in another relationship though . Take your time it seems you have been through a roller coaster .

All the best

[strongnrelaxed]

For the love of God, I ask you to please promise yourself that you will never contact this woman again for any reason. Stay clear of her.

 

She will find out how harsh it is out there and she will come back looking to you for comfort. Many women do this and you are the perfect sort of men for women like this. I don't mean that in a bad way, just that when you fall in love you fall hard. They can smell you from a mile away.

 

Go to no more mr nice guy do c om and read everything you can there. Your exact story is told a thousand times over on that place. You will get better advice there.

 

Here you will get women attacking you for being weak.

 

Sorry dude. You do not deserve this but you have to admit that you accepted it as it escalated. Never do that again. Draw clear boundaries and if she goes over them even once you bail immediately.

[Tally123]

I am sorry, I have to say this woman sounds like a waste of space! All she sounds interested in is going out every weekend with her friends and getting wasted! Where do you come into all of this?

 

The whole paying for everything, her not working, her leaving YOUR flat in a mess. Seriously, I fail to understand why you would even want to try with this woman?

 

The texting thing when she gets in also...some people might see that as a small thing, but if she knows you worry, she knows you cannot sleep without receiving a text from her AND yet she still continues to do it, says that she really doesnt care how you feel. All in all she sounds pretty amazing! NOT!

 

You need to stop contacting her full stop. Give her space, and i mean plenty of it. She knows that you still want her back, she knows she can come back whenever she wants. Why give her that satisfaction.

 

You seem like a really decent guy, but one that has let her walk all over you.

 

Good luck for the future

 

T

[steelpantherrocks]

i gotta update this senario as it got better haha, so when i wrote that book i was pretty distraught, anyway, i was trying to get all the little last bits of finances etc sorted out when i came across the phone bill in mid november. just as i suspected she was in contact with a friend of mine during the last 3 weeks we were together. a guy i suspected of being a snake. long story short i saw they were on the phone daily and sent over 200 texts back and forth from mid sept to late oct. i have everyone of them. i kicked this thing out 3rd week of sept, she was screwing this guy 3 days later and it continued untill mid novemeber. needless to say i knew but didnt want to believe it. her stories are hilarious how she justifys it. but shes trash, not only has she been doing him there are numerous other rumours floating around town that shes just being a drunk whore. good riddence i wish i could post her name. what a looser, i got taken for a pretty decent ride wow. im too old for this ****..