Need some sharpish - Am I an idiot, what am I feeling?

[superconfusedman]

ok this is a looooong story so sorry to carry on but I will try to keep it short as I need to make some quick decisions right now and I hope some advice will help!

 

Im 26, my ex is 30, I split from my ex gf 2-3 months ago, we were together for 9 years, lived together for 1 and travelled the world for 3. She was pretty much my first long term gf (over 6 months). Bit more background.... After the first two years i finished her (thinking I could do better/wanted someone else/I was young), then realised I had mad a mistake and she took me back. We were very happy and traveled the world, setteled down in a new country to live and things were great. Things werent perfect and we had the odd argument but overall (looking at plenty of other ppl's relationships) good together, as everone pointed out. We were however stuck in a bit of a boring ruitine, not really going out and meeting new people, doing exciting things and socializing...just living in each others pockets. As we were in a new country we didnt really have our own friends....just a few we both knew so never did our 'own thing'

 

She went home for two weeks and I went away on holiday for two weeks with a single friend (male). When I got back I suddenly felt like I was in a relationship i didnt want to be in, looking at my single friend having loads of fun with girls and not having to worry about anyone else but himself. Thinking 'oh that looks great' I split up and we had to move out of the appartment. We stayed friends (its hard not to be friends with someone you have loved and spent 9 years of your life with) and we both started making efforts to make new friends and do more socializing, and both were having a good time with and without each other.

 

Now.......I recently went on holiday again on my own for one week, and although I had a good time I missed her not being there (as we traveled for so long together) and felt quiet lonley.

 

Now theres a small twist, we met the other day, and slept together ....... but then she told me she had slept with someone else since we split because she wanted to feel wanted by someone after I had cast her aside....which I can understand and dont blame her even tho it hurts like hell to hear......and I had a one night stand with someone on holiday but it really meant nothing to me (yes ive told her in return so were both bieng honest to each other)

 

Im really really upset about it all. Normally I have a very strong head on me and dont get emotional like I have been doing....ive even burst into tears once or twice which I havent done for as long as I can remember.

 

Im not sure if I have made the wrong decision, if im jealous, lonley or just all three. I need some help figuring out which one it is asap!!!!

 

I have told her that im upset and im thinking things over, she said that she is now confused and needs to think too. But she did say last night that perhaps I need to see some other girls first before making a decision. She said if she did consider taking me back she would want me to want her not have her coz i cant find anyone else.

 

So my questions are;

 

1) Am I still in love with her and just made the wrong decision or is what im feeling normal and im just lonley/jealous?

2) When she said I should see some other women first does that basically mean she is enjoying being single for a bit and would like to carry on?

 

EDIT: I want to be able to make the right choice. I hurt her a lot when we split so dont want to do that again.....but I dont want to let 'the one' get away if ive messed up.

Edited October 17, 2012 by superconfusedman

[River Rain]

Do you want to be single or do you want to be in a committed relationship?

 

If she's telling you to see more women, maybe it's because she wants more time to consider if she wants to be with someone else. Or...it could be that she thinks that you're only coming back out of loneliness and she doesn't trust you enough not to hurt her again. Nobody knows but her, have you asked her that?

[flitzanu]

you dumped her once to be single, got back, dumped her again wanting to be single...?

 

what does that tell you your heart wants?

 

to be single. quit dragging her along.

[superconfusedman]

Yes I dumped her years ago when I was a lot younger, thats irrelevant now after so long and what we have experienced together. But I see your point of view.

 

 

I spoke with her last night about it, and yes she was worried about me only wanting her because I cant find anyone else....but Im not worried that I cant find anyone else, im no swamp monster and I have a sense of humour so im sure there are plenty of people out there that would be interested. And I have had girls chatting me up....i explained that to her as well.

 

I think you are right tho, its a trust thing by the sounds of it.

 

I fully enjoy being in a relationship.....in fact the more I think of it the more I realize enjoy it.

 

As for question 1 again....I obviously still love her, lots, but im not sure the kind of love.

 

When I picture her with someone else I feel physically sick.

 

Jees relationships are hard work at times!!

[eleve82]

Honestly, this sounds like a very classic case of YET another guy/girl who starts feeling "confused" after being with a partner over the long term. People need to wake up and smell the coffee - no relationship is going to give you that same euphoria you felt in the first 2 years, for the next 10-20 years! It takes hard work to keep things interesting and exciting and to grow together with someone. It takes an exceptionally stable and mature individual to remember, after 10 years, why they fell in love with someone and with any luck, those same traits will be the ones you will value 10 years later. In return, you get stability, loyalty and enduring love. With a real relationship, you can be sure that person will stick by your side no matter what the difficulty and loves you for who you are.

 

More importantly, it takes someone who is HAPPY on his/her own and secure enough with the direction of his/her life not to fall into the trap of thinking that it is a relationship that is holding him/her back from developing in life! Only an immature and superficial person will continue to think that "being single" is a way of "living life to the maximum".

 

If you don't agree with these values or don't feel that you are ready for this, a long term relationship isn't for you, and you are better off continuing to play the field. A confused person will never do his/her partner any good. Either you come to terms with losing that person because you are emotionally not ready, or take a leap of faith, go out on a limb and commit to her. There is no such thing as a risk-free proposition in life.

 

Now, I'm assuming you two get along really well on a fundamental level, based on what you said, so in reality, you already know it works for you! Why would you give this up? Based on some inner voice telling you something else is better for you out there? No matter who you date next, remember - it is the enduring qualities that will keep you with her, not the superficial ones! Only you can decide what these are for you!

 

FYI, I've told my ex the same thing before for the same reasons - to go out and date other girls. Not because I don't want him, but because after half a decade, he was still "confused" about what he wants.

 

Good luck!

[superconfusedman]

@eleve82

 

Im certain you have hit the nail right on the head.

 

Over the last few days I have been spending lots of time with her and the more time I spend with her the more stupid I feel! What an idiot I am really.

Yes, we get along like you wouldn't believe. I don't honestly know another couple that gets along so well and argues as little. I think the word 'confused' in my case should be replaced with 'stupid'.

 

I love her more than anything (even after the split I loved her just as much), however I dont think I am immature tho I pretty much looked after her all these years and she relied on me a little too much, but human, and have made a bloody big mess of things.

 

Looking back at my reasons for the split....they seem very week, unfounded and dam right idiotic. Im not sure what made me think the single life would be any good....as I was happy with someone I loved spending all my time with. Im trying to win her back, I have talked to a few girls in bars and events etc but im really not interested in them as their just not her.

 

Ive spoke to her about this and i know she still loves me back but she doesn't trust me all that much....understandably.

 

One more spanner in the works..... when we together we had agreed to that we werent having children as from the start I haven't felt like I ever wanted them. She was always ok with it because she said as long as she had me thats all she wanted. She was never upset she wouldn't have them - she would have said if she did I know that. Since the break she said that the only upside to it was she realized she could have a child. Im still pretty sure I dont want a child, not really sure why I feel that way, and maybe that will change in a few years I just dont know.

 

Im pretty sure she would take me back if I said I would have a child with her but im not sure what ill be thinking in 4-5 years time so dont want to say yes just to get her back incase I dont change my mind.....

 

So after thinking this over and over almost 24/7 (I have hardly slept more that 4 hours a night due to thinking about getting her back, crying a lot and becoming ill with worry) im no better off! I want her back more than anything in the world.....although all your input has been useful Ive come to this conslusion myself......but I have no idea if I will want a child in 4-5 years time, and I want to do whats best for her. (Although selfishly inside I just want it to back to how it was before, and not have to worry about this decision)

[superconfusedman]

One big question thats floating around my head tho is...Whats better, spending the rest of my life with someone I love so much and just dealing with having a child (im sure having a child isn't the death penalty :-) , i dont know a parent that has regretted having a child, and i may still decide I want one in a few years....im not sure), or spending it either alone or in a relationship that may never be as good?

[flitzanu]

One big question thats floating around my head tho is...Whats better, spending the rest of my life with someone I love so much and just dealing with having a child (im sure having a child isn't the death penalty :-) , i dont know a parent that has regretted having a child, and i may still decide I want one in a few years....im not sure), or spending it either alone or in a relationship that may never be as good?

 

what exactly does this have to do with "just dealing with having a child"?

[eleve82]

superconfusedman, it takes a brave man to admit his mistakes. I think if you are honest and upfront with her, and if you show gently to her that you will be by her side and want to be with her (without pressure) and can be loyal, then I'm pretty sure she will consider giving you a chance. Just be patient!

About the issue with kids, you are only 26!! Most men do not want kids at that age, so I would not really be too concerned about that. Just be honest with her and tell her that you don't know yet how you will feel about kids in a few years.

Take care and keep your chin up. If you know have an answer in your heart whether you want to be with her after this time of difficulty, then it has not been in vain and the two of you could be stronger together if you both can work through this.

[Heartdefeated]

My ex broke up with me last month after 3 and a half years before we were to be engaged. I suppose he wanted the single life since it looked like so much "fun" to him. We never fought and the break up came out of nowhere. Now one month later, I think he is feeling pretty stupid. He keeps contacting me and we have spent some time together, but not officially as a couple since he still seems a little confused. My concern is that he wants me back since the grass wasnt greener and he realizes that most women like to pick fights or are looking to use him. He is extremely good looking and makes good money. I'm afraid that he will commit to me, only to leave me again to be single. He has always told me that he has never met a woman like me and that he wanted to marry me. Unfortunately, women flirt with him all day and I think he truly thought that he could find the "perfect" woman that was just like me, but looks like a model. Give her some time, you really hurt her. If you take her back, commit fully and understand that a true relationship is worth the effort. There are not many people out there like her and you know it.

[superconfusedman]

@eleve82 - Thanks for your reply again, I hope more than anything that we can get back together. Hopefully I can be patient and I dont blow it.

 

@Heartdefeated - You are right, there are very few women like her out there, I have made possibly the worst decision of my life.

 

On monday i was super positive about me being able to win her back. I told her exactly what i was thinking and how i felt and I said I will leave her to think about it. I think I did very well and she seemed really happy that I had stopped being so upset and was positive about us getting back together. I have told her I would be happy to have a family with her (I would do anything to make her happy, and I have very much warmed to the idea of one in the future...just not yet) because I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

- I may seem to be making fast decisions here and possibly contradicting what I say in previous posts but as I actually think more about it the more I realize what i actually want.

 

Then last night I made a stupid mistake of contacting her and brought the whole topic up again.....stupid idea and I have gone and stuffed things up all over again. I asked her not to sleep with the guy she slept with again until she decides what she is doing because it would hurt me so much, and her reply was that I have no right to ask that (she's right). He called this wknd to meet her (Well, have sex with her as he has told her he doesnt want a gf) but she was with me so she said no......im almost certain he will call again this wknd and im pretty sure she will say yes, this is killing me.

If she does sleep with him, am I right in thinking its game over for us? Should I still try win her back if she sleeps with him? Am I going to be ok knowing she has slept with him again since I told her what I want and she is 'thinking about it'? Am I wrong to ask this of her?

 

She called me again this morning and apologised for saying some harsh things, but I deserve it and she is obviously still angry with me.

She also said that she still loves me but not in the same way as she did, and she isnt sure she ever could love me the same way. She also said if we did ever get back together she would just always be scared of me leaving her again.

One more thing she said is that she is enjoying being single.

 

She is popping around to mine tonight on her way home just to pick some stuff up I have of hers. My plan is just to let her get her stuff and be positive again. Im going to tell her im sorry again for last nights call, tell her I will give her as much time as she wants and then NOT contact her for at least a week, im thinking 2 may be better.

[superconfusedman]

OK. So I saw her for 5 mins, told her im sorry for last night and that I wont contact her for a couple of weeks. Kept it short and sweet saying that I dont want to pressure her and what her to have some time to think, then changed the conversation to something else and said have a nice weekend.

 

I just have to hold out now for a few weeks, hopefully when i contact her she will have had time to think and my chances may be higher.

[flitzanu]

OK. So I saw her for 5 mins, told her im sorry for last night and that I wont contact her for a couple of weeks. Kept it short and sweet saying that I dont want to pressure her and what her to have some time to think, then changed the conversation to something else and said have a nice weekend.

 

I just have to hold out now for a few weeks, hopefully when i contact her she will have had time to think and my chances may be higher.

 

simple question.

 

if you want something, do you have to think about it for weeks to decide you want it? or do you simply KNOW you want it already?

 

it's great to have hope...and sorry to bash it...but if she wants to be with you she would. she's only being nice by saying she "wants time".

 

weeks from now you'll hear the same thing from her.

[superconfusedman]

You do seem to be just knocking me here but im not here to hear what I want to. Im here for help so if thats by hearing the right thing so be it.

 

As for your question its not as black and white as that. Before we split she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and loved me very much. So I dont think that can change in 2 months. I doubt it would change in 6. Whatever happened between us.

 

What she does have to think about tho is if she wants to leave her self venerable to me again. I think she is just protecting her heart (rightly so), and needs to decide if she wants to take the risk again.

 

Unfortunately if she doesn't take me back and does meet someone she has to take the same risk on with that person too, but I can't really say that because that will seem like im pressuring her or twisting her arm.

[flitzanu]

but it IS black and white like that.

 

that's where ALL of us get confused my friend...in believing that life is so complex and these decisions are OH SO CONFUSING.

 

they aren't.

 

life boils down to two choices...do or do not.

 

hesitation shows lack of commitment, and if she can't simply BE with you, with no questions asked, then you're wasting time by waiting.

[superconfusedman]

I disagree. And im sure many people will too.

 

Reading whats on this forum only gives a tiny amount of information and background so on paper, yes it is black and white, but in the real world its a lot more complicated.

 

One thing she said when I asked if she wanted to get back to me she said its 50/50, so Im not sure which way it will swing to be honest, im just going to try carry on my life as normal and hopefully things will work out between us.

 

I know one thing, no one will make her happier if she does get me back (and I mean that, yes she will find someone but apart from my slip ups I have made her happier that anyone has or could I assure you)

[flitzanu]

I disagree. And im sure many people will too.

 

Reading whats on this forum only gives a tiny amount of information and background so on paper, yes it is black and white, but in the real world its a lot more complicated.

 

One thing she said when I asked if she wanted to get back to me she said its 50/50, so Im not sure which way it will swing to be honest, im just going to try carry on my life as normal and hopefully things will work out between us.

 

I know one thing, no one will make her happier if she does get me back (and I mean that, yes she will find someone but apart from my slip ups I have made her happier that anyone has or could I assure you)

 

 

you're welcome to disagree, and i'd love to be wrong about it.

 

thing is, what you're trying to tell me is that YOUR relationship is the exception to the rule...and that's exactly what EVERYONE thinks that posts here.

 

they think their issues are so unique and complex and that their ex is asking for "time" and "so confused" and therefore it must mean something special...

 

well, it doesn't. 99% of you are not the exception to the rule, you're THE RULE.

 

again, i'll eat crow if i'm wrong and this all works out so wonderfully for you, but the odds are stacked against you based on EVERY SINGLE STORY posted here with the same situation. that, in a nutshell, is why it is very "black and white".

[superconfusedman]

well. seems you were wrong. My housemate (also a friend of both of us) just told me if I still want her back in 2 weeks she sill be back with me, she just wasnt sure thats exactly what i wanted.

 

Usually I would say eat your crow. But I know you had the best intentions so u can save it for another time.

 

The reality check prob helped me get to this stage too so thank you.

Edited November 1, 2012 by superconfusedman

[flitzanu]

fantastic. so in two weeks she will date you.