Becks84 Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 I'm going to sum this up as best I can, and if you have any questions about details, just ask! Been with my current boyfriend for two years now. We have broken up twice in between. Both times because of his drinking, and what has made it even harder on me is that both times this wonderful guy I met a couple years ago at school has been kind of "waiting in the wings." He even seems to be "waiting" while things are fine with me and my bf. This other guy is not pushy, just waiting ... quietly and patiently. He is the nicest, most genuine person I have ever known. Some people tell me I'm crazy not to be with him. Any girl in their right mind would love to be with such a great guy. Here's the problem -- I have been fighting with this issue but always choose my current bf. I can't seem to let him go. We've been through a lot of "crap" together, and I swear on everything, one more slip up on his part, and I will walk out of his life forever. BUT ... while I am happy and great with my boyfriend, this other guy remains in the back of my head! Should I completely cut off communication with this guy? (He e-mails me here and there, and will call on occassion.) These two guys are SO different - opposites even. I would live an entirely different life with each of them. Am I crazy to think of both of them? And why do I stay with my current? Sometimes I think I'm a horrible person, but I can't help how I feel! Okay, enough for now. Thanks in advance for any advice -- if there is any advice to be given! You'll probably all tell me I’m a drama queen
Azaroth Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 The problem with relationships is drama, If you are happy with your current bf and like him a lot - then isn't that all you need? This other guy could be an awesome catch even better than your own boyfriend - but you don't know till you try it.. However he can also be worse then your boyfriend. If you persue him realize he was a mistake you can loose both situations - your current bf can just walk out.. If this guy is so great? then how come you didn't go after him already? b/c nothing is there? or he never persued you hard enough or he just doesn't spark up anything... If a guy been waiting for so long - he is either so much in love with you or just obessed.. I would have moved on by now - i would not wait 6 months while another girl i love is with another man... Let one of those guys go- but it's your choice... it's not fair for him.. but you need to be upfront and honest to both guys.... Hope i help
Pained Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 If you aren't happy in your current relationship, you need to leave, regardless of whether or not someone else is waiting for you. Don't let security and familiarity keep you in something you don't want to be in. A few months ago I was in the EXACT same dilemma. I ended up going for the guy I knew I truly wanted to be with, and couldn't be happier with my decision. Just so you know, he was the one who was waiting. I decided that I didn't want to be with my current boyfriend because of a LOT of problems, regardless of this other guy. It was just icing on the cake that he happened to be there, and now HE is my current boyfriend.
Curt Posted July 29, 2004 Moderators Posted July 29, 2004 Just a quick question, Pained... When did you actually decide to leave. I mean, how long had you been considering leaving, and what was the final deciding factor in your wanting to get away from him? In other words, what actually needed to happen before you realized that you were not going to be happy with him, and had to leave ? Thanks Curt
honey2005 Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 I think if you really are happy with your current boyfriend and in love with him, you should stop communicating with the other guy. As long as your talking to him he's going to be in the back of your mind and you won't be giving your all to your boyfriend. On the other hand, if you aren't really in love with your boyfriend, I suggest you talk to him, and if you decide to move on, wait awhile before you get with the other guy to see how you really feel.
Pained Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Curt, I had been unhappy for months. Probably four or five months, to be exact, but every time I'd leave, he'd start being incredibly sweet, and I'd stupidly get drawn back in. Finally I took a step back, considered my ideal life, and realized that what I had with him wasn't anywhere near that. I think too many people "settle" because they don't feel like trying, or they're scared of being alone. I realized that I'd rather be alone than be with someone who made me so unhappy. I hope that helps.
Bart_Weisser Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Becks: Cool. I was in a similar situation, but I was the BF. Without going through the whole story, I find that the "patiently waiting" business has generally four interpretations: (a) He is obsessed with you, and think that you are "perfect". However, he will become dissappointed once he discovers you're not so perfect as he thought. (b) He cannot find anyone else, and you are the only girl who is willing to talk to her. These guys are simply desparate for someone, anyone. © He is so blinded by his goal (i.e., getting you) that he does not see other opportunities. You're just a conquest to him, the fact that you are attached gives him more challenge. (d) He is afraid of having a real relationship so he dwells his thought on someone he cannot obtain (you, in this case, because you're taken!) Guys like that are generally selfish, and, despite how much they tell you they "admire" you, don't care about your feeling. Let him be waiting patiently, but tell him that this time patience will not pay. There is also the occasional "patiently waiting" because they think it's worth it. But that's far in between. BW. P.S. - When my GF finally told him that she was not interested, he got more aggressive, hoping that she would go to him if he "worked harder". I need not tell you how that went.
Author Becks84 Posted July 30, 2004 Author Posted July 30, 2004 This "other guy" has been "in the picture" in some way or another, for a year and a half! I tried the no contact thing with him, but he always ends up back in my life. He tells me he'd rather be friends than nothing at all. I'm a total softy and the last thing I want to ever do is hurt someone. Especially someone who is nothing but nice to me! I can't find it in me to tell him to get lost! Is it because I have some feelings for him, or am I just a people-pleaser? You'd think I could answer this myself! Only I should know exactly how I feel. But I don't!! Whenever me and my current bf have problems, I think of this other guy. And from what I know about this guy, he could be SO good for me, in the ways that my current is not. But when things are good with my bf, they're really good and I don't think of the other. Sometimes I can't help but compare them. This is an on-going battle I have with myself. I feel so guilty, but I guess at least I'm not acting on it! FYI - my current DOES know about this other guy, because he sent me roses on my birthday...and I wasn't about to lie about it... Anyway...am I crazy? Or do others of you out there ever go through things like this? I just tell myself I am so fricken young (20) and it's normal to feel the way I am feeling...but it's too bad it has gotten to a point where I am questioning the relationship I am in, and I am constantly confused! Thanks in advance for any thoughts or advice, and thanks to those who have responded already! You're all very helpful. -becks
Bart_Weisser Posted August 30, 2004 Posted August 30, 2004 Originally posted by Becks84 [A] He tells me he'd rather be friends than nothing at all. I'm a total softy and the last thing I want to ever do is hurt someone ... Is it because I have some feelings for him, or am I just a people-pleaser? You'd think I could answer this myself! Only I should know exactly how I feel. But I don't!! Whenever me and my current bf have problems, I think of this other guy. And from what I know about this guy, he could be SO good for me, in the ways that my current is not. But when things are good with my bf, they're really good and I don't think of the other. Sometimes I can't help but compare them. This is an on-going battle I have with myself. I feel so guilty, but I guess at least I'm not acting on it! FYI - my current DOES know about this other guy, because he sent me roses on my birthday...and I wasn't about to lie about it... Becks: I will go to each point (from above) below. [A] - I know how you feel. I was in this kind of relationship before, and I was that other guy in the picture, except there is no main squeeze. It's one of those, when she's in an upper mood, she'd rather stare at the fridge, and would only think of me when she's in a downer mood. I think you're "using" this other guy, albeit unconsciously. He's your back-up to cheer you up, and he'll be here to "understand" you. But he'll never be good enough to be your real boyfriend, even though the thought would cross your mind when you're not so happy. Believe me, if he were all that "perfect", you would have jumped boat in a blink and your current bf wouldn't even know what hit him. But you didn't, so basically you really don't like him enough to do that. - I did send roses to one of my female friends and of course I did it out of affection. It's not because I am hitting on her, but because I have known her for over 15 years. Even though she just got married over the week-end, I am still in a privileged position doing so. If I were the boyfriend, I would not like to have some other guy sending roses, especially only after a year. This is creepy. All in all, I don't think what you're doing is wrong. We as men should think with the right head when it comes to things like these (easier said than done; I have been down that path before). In the mean time, he should also know that what he's doing will not lead him anywhere. All you can do is hope that he's still young and will grow out of this. I don't know what is the most effective way, but since your bf knows this person, a girlfriend-scantioned "man-to-man" pep talk about "drawing the line" will probably work wonders. This may hurt him now, but he'll thank you further down the road. BW. P.S. - When he said "I'd rather be friends or never", somehow I think he meant "I would like to be friends now so that we could play bases later". Not too many 20-year-olds make that distinction between friends and potential lovers. I am much older than that and the boundary I find still too muddled to tread on comfortably.
Recommended Posts