Michael11 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I know I'll get flamed for this, and what I've done, but here goes: I was in what I thought was an okay marriage. We didn't fight much, and I never cheated, hit, blah blah. I was a great husband. We were married for 7 years, and had two children. A month ago, she suddenly moved out and left me with the children. She's had numerous emotional affairs, and no known physical ones. I've never cheated or done anything behind her back. I told her previously if she ever did t again, it was over. Since I had the children, I immediately filed for divorce. The divorce has been amicable, and we've agreed on everything. I have primary custody of the kids and full legal custody. From the moment she's moved out, I am not bitter, I don't hate her and I don't want her back. After analyzing everything and talking to people I was unhappy. How she treated me is not how a divorce should go. If she screwed another guy, or is just bat ass crazy, I really don't care. Our divorce will be final next month. I want it to be over with and move on. When she comes over to see the kids, there's honestly no feeling inside of me. I don't want to grab her and love on her, it's just, like, blah, I don't care. I just can't think this is normal. I signed up for a dating site and have met a few people and have been honest with the entire situation. I don't want to have anyone I meet be a "rebound" or anything. I'm not out to get a piece of ass or anything. I just don't want to hurt anyone just in case some feelings come back. I figured at least something in my heart would by now. I've looked a lot on the internet with different stories on how long to wait and so forth, but I just didn't know if my situation was abnormal? I had been the primary parent in the kid's lives, so I'm not looking for a mama to come take care of them. Yes, I realize this is too soon, but is it too soon just to go out and meet people and date them? I'm not going to rush into a serious relationship and want to take things slow. So, flame away. It's the internet, don't hold back.
worldgonewrong Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Wanting to have companionship is normal. You split with someone who wasn't true-blue, and your heart reaches toward something true. I don't think you're abnormal whatsoever. Thankfully, you're at the same place I'm at: you just don't give a hoot if she's sleeping with the entire NFL or if she's just bats__t crazy. That's a great place to be. Liberating!
Author Michael11 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Thanks. I think what I'm figuring out is that I've been emotionally divorced from her for years. I've had prior girlfriends who I've dated for a few months that have been much worse than this. My parents say my mind has been clear headed this entire time. I was just curious if anyone else went through a divorce like this and did it "hit" them later? I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone when human nature takes over.
worldgonewrong Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I was just curious if anyone else went through a divorce like this and did it "hit" them later? I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone when human nature takes over. Hmm, I can't speak to that from my experience. (You can read my whole bloody slog of a thread, if you dare.) But my intuition tells me that if you haven't been smothered by the angst of the situation now - from what you've already gone through - I don't think it's going to sneak up on you all of sudden down the line. There's something within you that cried out 'this is wrong', you worked through it, made your peace with it, and you're a helluva lot further in the ballgame than most men in a similar situation.
riverratt Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 No, you are not abnormal. I didn't realize I was there until I saw my ex for some business after not seeing her a few weeks. I didn't know how I would feel when I saw her. When I did see her I felt nothing. Not anger or hurt. I knew then I was ready to file. I don't think she was even though she did ask for it. From that point on I have been very good. Divorce will be final next month. I am not interested in dating because I have so many other things going on. 1
standtall Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 There is nothing here to flame dude..you sound like your in control of your life and your moving on....it's good to hear quite frankly. 1
KatZee Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Of course it's normal. I think at some point during the marriage, she crossed a line, and that was it. You were done. You were together for the sake of the kids, maybe something else, but emotionally I think you started pulling back at some point, and now you're realizing you're done. I think since she's had numerous emotional affairs, you've had an extremely drawn out grieving process. There's nothing left to grieve at this point. You don't love her. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. That's where you are. If you were angry or a crazy person, that would show you still cared on some level... but... you don't. 1
GuyInLimbo Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 You know, I was going to immediately start typing "You're in no position to date right now, dude!" But, I stopped. (Although, honestly, I wouldn't date until your divorce is FINAL. One-night stands when kids aren't around, sure.) This whole thing about being emotionally divorced is really key here. If you've been "done" with someone emotionally, then do you really need to wait that "year" or whatever before you start dating again? I don't know. It's a great topic to discuss, esp with a therapist. But, it's also a good time to be YOU and enjoy the single life. What's the rush to get back in a LT relationship? Go have fun and enjoy being on your own for a while. Plus, you are also primary caretaker of the kids and that is priority #1. Just because you're OK, doesn't mean the kids are. And I'm sure they're not. Worry about them first before thinking about moving on. I feel I've been emotionally divorced for years now and really feel like I know what kind of woman I want. That being said, I don't know if I trust myself on that and if I'd be ready or not to date a day after divorce. But, yes, I definitely feel that spouses can do something (or things) that seal the deal for the other person. (I have a list of mine). 1
M30USA Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I disagree with the idea repeatedly brought up which says anger/bitterness is a sign that a person still has an emotional connection to their ex. This CAN and MAY be the case. But it's also possibly a commentary on the angry person, themselves. They might just have some issues and anger problems, and this might be the norm for them in many situations.
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I think deep down you were done a long time ago and that's why it's been easier than you realized to divorce. The feelings you have are in different and that's healthy - Even more so for the kids.. There's no fighting or hurt feelings, resentment or jealously. Be proud that you're able to go on without being bitter or angry. 3
Author Michael11 Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 Thanks for the responses. Had her come by today and get the rest of her stuff and still felt nothing. 1
riverratt Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Had her come by today and get the rest of her stuff and still felt nothing. That is good because you didn't feel negative things either.. I don't about my ex. 1
BlackSwanMan Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 When I separated from about 20 years of marriage (I left) about 32 months ago I was emotionally detached. I took me over 12 months to be able to develop relationships of any consequence. All I can suggest to be social and if need be make it clear you are shallow in your commitment. Dating sites may not be the best as it is not really fair on others that are seeking deeper relationships. I suggest finding social groups - go out with friends (not on your own as that is isolating). Find people whose company you enjoy and mix with as many groups as possible without impacting on your responsibilities. Good Luck
thatone Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Thanks for the responses. Had her come by today and get the rest of her stuff and still felt nothing. Sounds fantastic. People who can't function without someone else to depend on wind up in endless cycles of dysfunctional relationships, dysfunctional marriages, and end up dying with nothing but a dysfunctional life to show for it. How can the opposite (being able to cut people off who don't deserve your effort and attention) be a bad thing? I joke with my GF all the time that I couldn't care less if any women from my past were dead or alive, and I sleep like a stone, works for me .
M30USA Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I don't wish death or destruction upon anyone--even people who have severaly wronged me. However, that doesn't mean I will engage in small talk or want to associate with them. Even if I saw Hitler on the side of the road, dying and suffering, I would still take him to a hospital (and let the law deal with him later). I would do this because I believe everyone is made in the image of God. That is actually where we get our value. We don't get our value from being loved by family/friends, we don't get our value from the government or "rights", and we don't get our value based on what the latest trends in society say. We are made in God's image and that's where we get ALL our value. That's also, biblically, why it's wrong to murder. We believe it's wrong to murder because it has a bad effect on society (which it certainly does), but theologically murder is wrong because we are destroying someone who is made in God's image. Apply that to the abortion issue. Ouch. Puts a new light on the subject.
Recommended Posts