Married 2 months ago, in love with my best friend. What did I get myself into?

[xhopex]

I've been with my now husband just over 4 years, married for 2 months. I moved 1500 miles away to be with him to a place where I had to completely start over and had zero desire to be relocate to. I poured myself into reestablishing myself, buying a home, new friends, grad school, the whole nine yards. But I feel like it was all in vein. I didn't even want a relationship at the time as I had just removed myself from an awful 3 year dud. But I was infatuated with him and am just now realizing all of this. I essentially forced him into marrying me in fear of returning "home" to nothing with my tail between my legs.

Two months before the wedding I had an aha moment, needless to say I freaked. My friends said I had "cold feet" and it was normal. Coincidentally at the same time an old male friend reappeared in my life. I grew up around men and had primarily male friends throughout my life and into my twenties. So at first I didn't think anything of the casual catch up with the random old friend that I never even thought twice about in that way. The casual chatting from the friend "back home" got flirtatious and often a little heated. I admitted once to having dreams about leaving my soon to be husband and flying home to rendezvous with him. This guy is so innocent and would respond with adorable flirtations. I realized I was doing something very wrong and backed way off. I talked to the soon to be husband and told him my upsets with our relationship. The things I felt were lacking, which essentially drew me to this random old friend (Obviously without telling him I was attracted to someone else.)

The wedding day came and all was grand. Then I started a rigorous schedule and our relationship hit the wall again, at least on my end. Then I got a call about said random male friend coming up to my area for the weekend... I thought all would be ok, we would meet, hang out, catch up, have old teenage fun. We did.. After what was supposed to be a day of hanging out, three days later I just dropped him off at the airport, leaving in tears. I've coached him on how to get a girlfriend, and now he has one. One who has a small child that he's in love with. I grinned through my misery all weekend. My husband thought it was great to meet my old friends... When the whole time all I could think about was hugging and kissing him and telling him how I really felt. We were like 16 year olds flirting all weekend. I already have a plane ticket back home next month for my birthday and Thanksgiving. It was supposed to be to spend time with family and old close friends, and I am finding myself planning it around his free time... and meeting his now girlfriend that I'm supposed to be ecstatic about.. :-(

How could I do this to myself and my now husband. How could I put two other people through this, old male friend and his now girlfriend? I feel awful. I can't even move from the couch. I don't normally do these types of forums but I am at a total loss. I've been crying for hours and feel completely lost. My husband is a stable, kind of boring love. He treats me great and will more than likely always be there for me. We don't agree on everything, especially the fun things. Our sex life has been dull for eons and we barely have time for monthly dates since were both career nerds. This old male friend has a stable career that doesn't require tons of hours and is still a kid at heart in all the right ways which I really miss. But I know IF anything was to ever work out between us he might just be the next boring male in my life. He's everything great that is wrong with my husband. Is the problem with me? Is this normal?!

Please someone help me.

[pteromom]

Honestly, you don't even know enough about your friend to know if life with him would be boring, exciting, perfect, or horrible. You are just filling in the blanks with fantasy.

 

It is up to YOU to make your life not "boring". Not your husband's job. Not this old friend's job. If your life isn't fun, make it fun! If your husband doesn't have the same idea of fun as you do, find friends who do! Don't rely on your husband to be the sole source of entertainment in your life.

 

And if your sex life is boring, you have power to do something about that too, assuming your husband likes and wants sex. Work on it. Flirt with your husband.

 

And - don't go see your old friend. WHY subject yourself to that? What would you be hoping to gain? He has a girlfriend. You have a husband. Be mature and let him go.

[CarrieT]

Personally, I don't think you are in love with either of them.

 

You are infatuated with the IDEA of the guy that is giving you butterflies and your imagination is making a more exciting future than you have physically created for yourself.

 

As to your husband, if you cannot find it in your heart to give your marriage 100% this soon out of the gatepost, than call it quits now - immediately - as you are setting yourself (and your husband) of YEARS of heartbreak and hurt.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP.

I state the self evident : your emotional energy, your sexual and romantic self, is not focused on your husband. From what you say it never has been during your marriage. You are also not talking with him candidly about your needs, wishes, desires: and without cultivation the connection between you has withered. With that distance, time with him will seem dull and sex will be boring. Meanwhile you are thinking of this other man with whom you talk freely. You invest your emotional energies into this other connection and - bingo! - infatuation.

 

SNAP OUT OF IT. You did not commit to your marriage and this is the consequence. Sex? It can be better with your H. Thanksgiving? Cancel the plane ticket or take the H to your folks. COMMUNICATE candidly with your H: he sounds like a fine guy, don't throw him away. Marriages must be constructed.

 

YOU have allowed this friendship to escalate into an infatuation. You are not yet past the point of no return beyond which are years of pain and betrayal. DON'T go back home alone.

 

"he might just be the next boring male in my life. He's everything great that is wrong with my husband. " You said it yourself - it's Fantasyland.

 

"Is the problem with me?" Yes. Of course it is. Work on your marriage, commit 100%, put the effort into making that fun. You put in the effort then good things will home. Meanwhiles you pine over a fantasy and your marriage dies from your neglect while you are gazing out to sea.

 

I wish you clarity of thought and the strength of will to make an honest decision, OP.

Edited October 17, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy