Prettybird25 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 My husband and I have been married 6 years and been together 7. We got married when I got pregnant and our baby was stillborn. It caused a lot of issues but we moved past it and have since had 2 beautiful daughters. We were separated once when our oldest daughter was a baby because he was having huge issues controlling his anger. He has never hurt us but could have caused a major car accident with his actions that day. Plus my sister (teenager at the time) was in the car. I left for 3 months and after therapy we "worked things out" and tried to go on. The issues at hand are really driving me to want to leave again. He is an avid hunter and puts that before anything. He works 8-12 hours a day (usually just 8 hours though, 12 hour shifts are rare) then he spends 5 hours hunting. By the time he comes home he has 2 hours of "family time" which is usually spent playing video games or watching tv. A few days a week I watch my friend kids (3 and almost 1, the same ages as my kids) it's for some extra money to try to help out because I'm always being told I need a job. Our youngest has special needs and finding care for her would cost me an entire paycheck as I have no degree in anything and have always worked retail. Me being a stay at home mom I hat I want to do and we make due with what we have. His idea of me being a stay at home mom is me being his slave. He actually said that is what the definition of house wife is. That was a very bad day. I had gone to spend time with my friend because I was unsure I even wanted to be home with him. He never cleans anything unless he needs it. He leaves plates, pop bottles, wrappers. You name it he leaves it. He never helps pick up after the kids. He's only changed our youngest a diaper maybe 5 times in almost a year. He's NEVER fed her a bottle. I make dinner all the time, I take care if the animals (dog, cat, turtle) I do everything alone. My mom has even made the statement that I'm a married "single mom" and that's how I feel. Tonight he's left me with 4 kids to go hunting. A after our fight last week we had come to deals about this and on nights I babysit he stays home. Because the weather was bad all weekend he insisted he goes today. I was having a very hard time with the babies and sent him a text saying he's not allowed to go hunting when I have the extra kids again. I get a text saying " too bad November is right around the corner" meaning that our agreement is our the window come gun season. I don't feel I can do this anymore. I want him to change, I need him to change. In frustration I sent a text back saying if he wants to keep me and the kids in his life he will re think that because I can and will find someone who cut ally cares about me and my kids. I know it was mean and a low blow and a empty threat because I dot think I have the guts to leave with 2 kids and no job and nowhere to go. I'm thinking therapy is in order again. Getting him to go with it conflicting with hunting is going to be impossible though. I need suggestions and ideas please. He's not one to talk to me about things so I'm not sure where things will go when he gets home tonight.
pteromom Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 He sounds just horrible. Doesn't care for his family. Makes mean and rude comments to you. Has anger issues. Can't communicate well. Does the bare minimum. You say that you NEED him to change, but he won't. He is who he is. He may be able to work on some of the stuff if he wanted to. But why would he want to? What he has works VERY well for him. He gets to do anything he wants, knowing you are taking care of everything. What is his motivation to change? I think the first thing you should do is write down in detail exactly what you want from him in order to feel ok about staying in the marriage. In DETAIL. Such as... You'll spend at least a weekend day and two evenings a week with us. You and I will have one date night a month. You will always put your plates in the sink and wrappers in the trash. You will help out with bedtime for the kids when you are home. Don't make it about controlling HIM and what he chooses to do with his free time. (If he wants to spend his free time hunting, that's his choice.) Make it about what you and your children need from him. Give him the list and talk to him. See if he is open to counseling and working on things. If not, you will have to decide whether it is worth moving forward. And if you start thinking you wanna leave, you better GROW the guts. Because empty threats are pointless. 1
eleanorrigby Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Was he ever nice or has he always been like this? The only thing I can suggest is that when you draw your line in the sand with him, you mean it. He sounds like the kind of guy that will test your limits to see if you are serious.
Author Prettybird25 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 He was actually a really great guy when we dated. He took care of me when I was very sick, he was wonderful with our first daughter. He took me out all the time and treated me like a person. He talked to me about things. It was nice. That's how I know he is not being "normal" I guess. Things changed after the first time I left. The reasoning for leaving was because he was driving home from going out to eat for my birthday. It was me, my sister, daughter and him. My sister and I were talking about something and I said something personal about him I guess I shouldn't have said. My family is very open about things and he is not. I didn't know I was saying something I shouldn't. He slammed on the breaks to a dead stop. My sister was in the back with no seat belt and heaven forbid someone was behind us we would have been rear ended. After I left for the first few weeks I thought it was over. I ended up finding out he turned to his ex to confide in instead of me. It's been very hard to get past that. He still will not talk to me. I mean he did in therapy and I thought we had worked it out but the more I look at it things are still the same. I've tried so hard to not do things for him. And really I don't other than picking up his plates and stuff because they can be a hazard to the kids. Our last fight he told me that all I do is bitch and that he never gets to do what he wants. Mind you he goes hunting whenever he feels like it. I have not had a moment without our kids since they were born. When I ask for time alone he says he will take outlet older daughter but always makes me have our youngest. I'm worn thin and feel like I'm going to snap at any second.
Recommended Posts