PlanB123 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) ok, sorry bit long...... i thought i would post this in this sub-forum because i posted it in the breakup/coping section and got no replies. i don't think people can relate over there because they are pining for their ex's and i understand that. basically i have the same sickness feelings of loss that you get after a breakup but i don't want my ex back. i am 30 she is 26. we were together for 1 year. she dumped me 3 months ago to go off with my replacement. she didn't become 'official' with this guy until 3 weeks after dumping me. when i say, 'official' i mean--on fb to show all friends/family. when that happened i experienced an enormous sense of releif for some reason. i didn't know that she was that serious with the guy until i saw that. for 3 weeks i was in a hell in my mind thinking about her going on the rampage and ****ing everything that moved. when i saw that relationship status i realised she had probably just been ****ing him for the last 3 weeks--and i felt ok lol. had a good nights sleep. now this is where it gets really weird.....i then started obsessing over her cheating on him. like i didn't want her to get away with cheating on him. i wanted to tell him the type of untruthworthy party girl he had got with. i was particularly concentrated on her cheating on him with one guy in particular at her work who i knew was very good with the ladies and she was just his type. 2 weeks ago her new boyfriend dumped her--i thought maybe he had figured her out--got tired of her wondering eyes all the time and realized she was an attention whore (the need to always be in platform heels or stiletto knee high boots just to go do things like go to the supermarket should have been a give-away). so the last two weeks have been hell again and i have been thinking about her single and on the rampage--****ing guys in night clubs, and this work colleague. i have gone nc with (over 2 months) her but mutual people keep telling me ****. last friday i found out that there was a very very good chance that she had got blitzed drunk and ****ed this work colleague guy the night before. that really killed me and i wanted to break nc so bad to verbally bash her with insults. on sunday i discover she is now back in a relationship with my replacement--after a two week break. a brief moment of solace came over me. now i am obsessing over if she ****ed that work colleague or not that night and if she did, now that they have crossed that boundary once it will be so much easier to do it again what with boozy business trips and xmas parties on the horizon. so my obsessing turns to that and i want to break nc to shout 'i know what you did whore!!!' question is.......why the **** do i care??? why am i thinking about this? why do i want her to be in a relationship rather than ****ing the whole of london??? its not my dick in her and i am sure it never will be again so i shouldn't care if she is cheating on her boyfriend. can anyone relate to this? my problem is that this obsessing and anger is taking so much of my day that it is distracting from MY LIFE. like i am focusing on my business and working out but i am not actually present when i do these things because i have images of her in the back of a taxi blitzed drunk getting fingered and groped and then ****ed doggie style etc etc --- horrible stuff. considering i can't take her back if i want to live my dreams of travel next year anyway......does it matter if i break nc to verbally terrorise her with all the **** i want to say? would this not help me heal even better seeing as my intention really is to heal and nc seems to be holding me in one place. what you think?? Edited October 16, 2012 by PlanB123
Author PlanB123 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 still no replies.......damn. are these really such strange thoughts to be having? nobody can relate? off to the counselor i go i guess...
kae Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I can't help you figure out ur obsession all I can tell you is that you NEED to get over it NOW! U can obviously get girls to F you so why don't you try dating them too :/
veggirl Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 How are you discovering all of this information? It sounds like you are not employing No Contact, and that it would be VERY beneficial to you. If you don't know, you won't care, right?
Squirter69 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 This is not meant to be rude or judgmental, but as a psychology major and human development minor, I believe you could benefit from therapy. Cutting off contact with this woman is best, however it will help you to discover why you have obsessive thoughts and help you realize you are better off without this person. She sounds like an attention-starved and incredibly selfish person. You may benefit from someone helping you identify and sort through your feelings about her. Then you can move on and remind yourself she is the problem, not you. Once you realize that you can begin to meet other women and form healthy relationships. Healthy relationships are possible, you just need to find the right person. You will never find the right person obsessing about the wrong ones. 2
Chi townD Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Just my two cents, but.... Maybe you have relief when your Ex is with someone, then there's no way you can get with her. She's off the market and you won't get involved with a person that is in a relationship. So, you have a sense of security and you have a feeling of being safe. However, when she's single, your subconcious tells you that getting with her again is a possibility. You're single; she's single.....and that thought might scare the crap out of you. So, you'd rather her be in a relationship to protect yourself, and she can focus on her current relationship and not you. Just a thought..... 1
Author PlanB123 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 This is not meant to be rude or judgmental, but as a psychology major and human development minor, I believe you could benefit from therapy. Cutting off contact with this woman is best, however it will help you to discover why you have obsessive thoughts and help you realize you are better off without this person. She sounds like an attention-starved and incredibly selfish person. You may benefit from someone helping you identify and sort through your feelings about her. Then you can move on and remind yourself she is the problem, not you. Once you realize that you can begin to meet other women and form healthy relationships. Healthy relationships are possible, you just need to find the right person. You will never find the right person obsessing about the wrong ones. i went to therapy a couple of times in my late teens. I found it really self-indulgent and not much help. i loved it!--and that was the issue. i felt like i was playing the victim and got to say 'woe is me' stories to someone who would listen for an hour. i really didn't see it as much help and rather just perpetuated the problem into my life more. in regards to this issue, obviously i had thought about counselling (as i mentioned it above) but really the best people to listen to for guys when it comes to dating/relationships etc is the real social dynamics guys. they are the most self-actualized and really understand everything that is going on 'dynamically' in these things. it is their ideas which are helping me understand better i think.
Author PlanB123 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 Just my two cents, but.... Maybe you have relief when your Ex is with someone, then there's no way you can get with her. She's off the market and you won't get involved with a person that is in a relationship. So, you have a sense of security and you have a feeling of being safe. However, when she's single, your subconcious tells you that getting with her again is a possibility. You're single; she's single.....and that thought might scare the crap out of you. So, you'd rather her be in a relationship to protect yourself, and she can focus on her current relationship and not you. Just a thought..... i think i've boiled it down to the truth. i am angry at myself more than anything. i feel like a fool for trying to turn a 'hoe into a housewife'. 'One man's treasure is another man's garbage' or however the saying goes. I haven't been the pussy whipped nice guy since i learnt that lesson 10 years ago and i guess i got pissed at myself for letting this one get under my skin. Her going out and getting used as a cheap **** by random guys and guys who's intention i knew was just to **** her (guys who were sniffing around her while i was with her) de-valued the time and energy i put into her. when she's in a relationship it kinda means that the time and energy i put in was not wasted on a cheap whore--if you follow me. like it means it wasn't all a lie. she can wear 'the relationship hat'. it also means that the guy she is with had at least honorable intentions when he took her from me. he genuinely liked her personality and not just her ass. ...and the other snakes have to wait in the grass again for their chance at an easy shag. .....so i understand my feelings now and i can feel her grip on me weakening.
Author PlanB123 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 Thank God SOMEBODY said it. Reading that long disjointed mess of a post was like reading Charles Manson's diary after he took a couple hits of LSD. lol well, you know what.....i appreciate this feedback. i suspected that i was being completely wacko about this situation but needed to hear others say it. and yes...bit lazy with my writing style.
ThatJustHappened Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Why are you still keeping tabs on her if you don't want to get back together with her? Just block her everywhere and you won't have to know. Ignorance is bliss. And yes..therapy would be beneficial.
Author PlanB123 Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 nc since august 6th. (from my side anyway) this info keeps coming from mutual friends. there are so many and i don't know all of them well enough to direct them to stfu about her when i am around. i can't unplug myself from my whole life, social circles for this girl.
road Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 nc since august 6th. (from my side anyway) this info keeps coming from mutual friends. there are so many and i don't know all of them well enough to direct them to stfu about her when i am around. i can't unplug myself from my whole life, social circles for this girl. I call Bull Fertilizer. You tell them to zip it about your X when you are with them. You do not want to hear about her. 1
Bobibble Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Actually, this is the way I see it, I could be wrong though: you want her to be with the man who she cheated on you with only to have her do to him what she did to you so it doesn't feel like you were a fool trying to take a chance with her and that none of it was her fault. Kinda like "look she did it to me, now she's doing it to him too" and when he dumped her and she was single, you saw it as she is with nobody so you will be seen as the idiot that maybe screwed up somehow in the relationship to have her cheat or dump you, and now that someone else dumped her, she may be seen as the victim. So it's all basically you don't want to look like an idiot. I could be wrong though...
Squirter69 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I feel you bro just be careful. I'm studying to be a licensed therapist and there is a lot that goes on that people may not understand. So when you talk to people who don't truly know what they're talking about it can lead you astray or give you bad ideas. Keep in mind anything you do in your teens will be different in adulthood. As teens our frontal lobes are developing along with many other biological aspects which would hinder you from gaining insight from therapy. People on these forums are not necessarily self-actualized. Therapy is a process, but with that mindset you wouldn't benefit from counseling anyways. You would have to truly believe in it.
Author PlanB123 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Posted October 23, 2012 thank you all for your replies. this whole break up thing has been a strange eye-opener and a great life lesson for me. cheers
MYCluciferase Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Dear PlanB123, I've been in slightly similar situation, but although I really gave my heart away and was devastated when the woman left, I got only positive feelings from hearing about her later exploits. - I'd think "that could be me being cheated on...". People are really bashing you for being obsessive, and yes, those're fair comments. The unfortunate thing is that you move in the same social circles as your ex-, so that you get unwanted information on her when it would be best for you to just forget about her for a bit. Can you shift social circles for a bit or something? At least you have travel plans in the near future, which would take you away for a while. I wonder what's caused your internal fight about saying something to her... There has to be something there, some extra hurt that she's done you, or that you perceive you've been done to make you want to affect her present when really she's nothing to do with you anymore... Of course criticizing or slagging her off isn't really going to do anything for either of you, but if you could work out what the 'extra hurt' was, maybe the need to interfere with her now would go away. Or meet somebody new.... best, MYC
dasein Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 You have some weird variation of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you end up empathizing with someone who has done you wrong. Stockholm syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia There's also a twist on cuckoldry maybe, I'm no shrink, just a layman. One of my friends loves watching his wife with other men, but only as long as he selects the men, that kind of thing. It allows him to maintain and lose control simultaneously. Something like this may be going on in your head. But the reason for your feelings is unimportant, you must make a plan to move forward in your life that doesn't include dwelling on this woman and the relationship.
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