My sob story (or how dubstep ruined my relationship)

[Nik1]

Yeah, so I broke up with my girlfriend of almost four years (got together October 1st of 2008). She was my first real girlfriend, I had some other girls before that I hung out with and may even have been interested, but I've always had a low opinion of myself and never ended up pursuing anybody cause I figured I had no chance anyway.

 

So we met around this time in 08' on the internet, by random chance. We were both members on a forum and we ended up becoming friends and eventually chatting until she told me she wanted to come meet me. Not long after (still chatting) she professed her love for me. This was a huge shock to me cause I adamantly believed no one could feel that way for the likes of me. This is do to various reasons (a little background story so you can get more of a feel of my situation). I was fat (though I've lost a considerable amount of weight since then), had lots of body hair (still do, and these days that's just not considered terribly attractive), and have developed some anti-social tendencies, perhaps from spending the majority of my life alone. I had friends and all, but I always got the feeling I was there as a novelty interest. They didn't really treat me very well when I was with them, but when I ended up moving away and coming back every one acted like I was sorely missed. So I don't know.

 

Anyway, when we met, I was going to community college, but wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do. All my childhood, I was certain I would work in films, but after a few classes and shifting views about film theory, I've decided I'm not cut out for the work. So I'm kind of lost. Me and my ex kept up a long distance relationship between late 2008 and late 2009 where we'd occasionally visit each other. In between visits we would talk constantly on the phone, like up to five hours a night. I eventually had to get a job to pay for a phone bill and also I wanted to save up money to move over to her state (Michigan) because she was working on a degree in international studies and German while I wasn't sure about my future.

 

Our biggest bump in the road for that first year was when she started hanging out with a group of guys and one started putting the moves on her. She called me one night and said she might have feelings for someone else. This was devastating to me, so devastating that I flat out called my work and said I needed to take off for a couple of weeks. I took a train clear across the country in hopes of patching things up and it worked. Most people who heard the story were so touched, except for our parents who thought it was a waste of time (my parents) or emotional blackmail (her parents).

 

So I eventually made it to Michigan in December of 2009 where we lived with her parents for more than a year. I worked at Wal-Mart for a while, but had to quit cause she ended up going to Germany for a couple months to study abroad and her parents and I weren't getting along. This was NOT my idea, however, it was hers, she was sick of getting bitchy calls from me and her parents.

 

Around this time, the seams in our relationship were starting to show. Before then, our relationship was based entirely around love, openness and honesty. Though she was more honest than I was, I would lie about my former self because I still lacked self-esteem, but she would eventually find it out and we had a few nasty fights because of it. But still, we didn't fight all the time, most of the time (at least I thought) we seemed to genuinely enjoy our company. We bought a house of our own when she returned from Germany and I was able to come back and I thought those were some great times. Every one always said we were a great couple, but I guess she never felt the same. Another problem was that we didn't seem to have anything in common. We met on an anime forum, but I was only there at first because I wrote a fanfiction and eventually decided that I liked the crowd. But I wasn't into anime anymore and neither was she. Our music tastes were polar opposites, we had some commonalities, but it was mostly my stuff I showed her. She was mainly interested in top 40 crap while I was into the more artsy-fartsy stuff. Same with movies and tv. She would watch stuff like Twilight while I would be watching Gummo. But despite all this, we still loved each other... well, at least she loved me. I did deeply care for her and would do anything for her (if not for some initial bitching), but I knew I wasn't completely satisfied because we could no longer share anything. But I couldn't break it off cause I spent so much time and effort into getting this thing to work and was still convinced that I'd never find anything better.

 

So, we lived in Michigan for another year until her uncle threatened to cut off her inheritance because he thought she should be living with him. This is when we got the plan to move back to California because she had a cousin who vouched that she could stay there for free, when in reality we would be living with each other again. We also wanted to go back to school and college is free here in Cali. So then we drove across the country and lived with my sister for a while until we decided to move to Vegas cause rent was cheaper there and we had one of my best friends (the only one I kept in touch with after high school) was living there and looking to room with someone.

 

And this is where things went sour. We moved to Vegas, I got a job and the whole time I was jealous cause her and my friend immediately hit it off while I felt like a third-wheel. Keep in mind, I was always the third-wheel when I use to hang out with him and his girlfriend. But now it was me with the girlfriend and I felt like the third wheel still. The whole three or so weeks we were there, I felt so disrespected and low, I started hurting myself again (something me and my ex had gotten into many fights over). One day I did it at a hotel party we were all at because she was drunk and felt neglected by me (as did I by her). I tried hanging out with her but she ended up mingling somewhere else and I tried to meet new people but none of them seemed interested in talking with me. I was drunk and felt so low that night, I decided to just find a place to sleep. When I woke up, I found that she drew a dick on my face which I didn't find funny at all and stormed off.

 

This was apparently the last straw as the next morning she gave me an ultimatum that I needed to get on anti-depressants or she would break up with me. Keep in mind, she asked me to get on anti-depressants when we were in California but I was so caught up in trying to find work that I kept pushing it off. So, a week later I was freaking out trying to find a doctor who would take my insurance and finally did. She ended up saying we need to take a break and said I'd just leave back to California, but when I said that she changed her mind and said we'd have an open relationship cause she couldn't bare the thought of not having me around. This lasted about three days. I finally got on the anti-depressants but she still seemed distant, as did I cause I kept finding myself as the odd-man out when we were hanging out with MY friends.

 

Her little sister eventually came for a visit and the second day she was there, things finally blew up. I came home from my job and casually asked her when she was gonna start looking for a job (she hadn't worked in years, but was the main supporter cause she got an inheritance from her uncle every few months she was supposed to use for school, but ended up funding out relationship with). So she blew up and asked her what the hell was up and we had a long talk. She said she felt like we weren't connecting any more and cited that I was intolerant of her taste in music and film (but said the sex was still good, at least), while I said she was the same way with my stuff but nobody really liked my stuff and I felt I was receiving unfair treatment. I use to be really bad, like I'd turn off her music in the car, but I didn't do that any more and I rarely even complained (unless she was playing dubstep, erg! I hate ****ing dubstep!). So after our talk, we decided to break up. I was totally cool with it at first, I told her that she was right, I'm a ****ing prick, I didn't deserve her, I ruined her life. This made her cry as she insisted it wasn't true.

 

Anyway, she left for the store and I just sat back and watched a movie. My friend came in and I told him what had happened. He wanted me to stay in Vegas but I insisted I couldn't. My job was $10 an hour, forty hours a week, giving me roughly $1200 a month and just didn't think I could live on that by myself. I'd have to find a new apartment, get a new car, pay insurance, on top of that I'm a smoker and my job was quite a drive away. I just didn't think I could do it and I didn't think my presence was wanted any more.

 

So I stayed cool most of the evening until I just suddenly ****ed everything. I think the meds wore off or something cause I started crying and then I started trying to hurt myself. I stayed up all night freaking out, realizing that I was about to return home a failure with no car (I had a car before I left for Michigan). I had spent so much effort trying to be with this girl and now I have nothing. I don't know how I let myself get to that point, I guess I convinced myself that I couldn't make anything worse for me, but at least I can make others miserable.

 

Anyway, the next day, despite the show that I put on, my ex came and laid with me as I waited for my dad to come and pick me up. She said she still wanted to work things out but couldn't do it with me there cause she needed to work out her problems as well and couldn't do it with me cause she can only think about fixing me when I'm around. We even had sex to seal the deal.

 

So when I returned home I called her and realized that this plan wasn't going to work. If I was going to find a job, return to school, and fix myself, she wouldn't be able to wait that long. She concurred. We tried keeping in touch for the first couple of days but then she said it was too hard for her, so I left her alone and only talked to her cause I wanted to give her my last two paychecks to help pay the bills (a decision I sorely regret now). She eventually stopped by about a month later to drop off more of my stuff. While she was there she asked if I wanted to come back and stay with my friend's sister cause she got a divorce and needed a roommate. I declined, still bitter about my current situation.

 

Then, another couple of weeks later, I got drunk by myself and called her (big mistake). My original intent was to just discuss her money situation, asking her if she's been looking for a job. I said I didn't want her living off my friend and their new roommate. But she kept assuring me she had it covered, without an explanation (and I think I just figured out why). This got me angry cause I was drunk and thought I was getting disrespected again. Then she said something to me that made me feel worthless and I had another mental breakdown. Then I tried calling her again and when she wouldn't answer I started threatening her, saying I was going to make her life miserable. And that was the last of talking to her....

 

I woke up the next morning trying to call her and apologize, but she wouldn't answer. So I only asked her one thing: to send me pictures of our cats. She still wouldn't answer. So I stopped, until about a week or two later when I saw she was in a new relationship. At first, I thought it was with some other guy, so I asked and she unfriended me. Then I called my friend and he, so non-chalantly informed me that they were now seeing each other. This... really didn't sit well with me... still doesn't. And everyone I've told this to says I'm within my full right to beat his ass. My sister even offered to drive me to Vegas to do so.

 

Anyway, so it was around that time I figured I was licked and gave up talking to my ex. I sent my friend a letter telling him how their new relationship made me feel. It's not even that they're together, but that they didn't bother to talk to me about it, like I'm a non-entity. Made me feel worthless. I also said that if I ever saw him again, he's gonna get an ass-whooping. I also didn't like that everyone was calling me clingy, she was the one who tried getting me back to Vegas. I was just trying to work things out on my own and I admit that I shouldn't have called her drunk but does that mean that I'm clingy.

 

I haven't tried contacting them since I wrote my friend that letter, this was about a week ago. But I can't seem to get myself through this like everyone expects me to. On my side, I have people telling me that they're selfish people and not worth the trouble (but those people are my family and they're supposed to be on my side, how can I trust them?). Meanwhile, from what I can tell on the other side, I'm not worth it. It just seems like I got an unfair deal in this all. I wasted four years of my life only to land back where I was, except back then I at least had a car. She didn't waste anything, she may have felt sad for a month, but now she's got a new boyfriend (my only friend) who makes more money than I did. She got a great deal out of this, while I'm left with nothing. And even though I can accept that most of this is my fault, I still think I got put through hell without just cause. Can't help but be bitter about that.

 

I spend most of my days blindly scouring the internet until my sleeping pills finally kick in. I can't seem to find a job and even if I did, I have no car. Gotta take the ****ing bus. I have people telling me I have so much to live for, but I screwed up the one relationship I've ever had with someone who loved me so much. I managed to make her hate me, I feel like a worthless piece of **** and I don't know how to make things better. I don't know what I want to do for a career any more (I tried scheduling an appointment to go into the military, but apparently I'm 10 pounds overweight, even though I just lost 40 pounds and I've been trying to get that extra ten off, but I seem to be stuck). And the worst part is is that I feel if I couldn't make that relationship work, what makes me think that I could possibly ever make another one work? I searched the internet and no one has the interests I have (which is why my last relationship failed). I feel like I can't make a connection with anyone, so what's the point of living. And my problems with finding girls doesn't even extend to me being unconfident or anything like others, I have plenty of confidence, I'm a straight-up *******, though I don't try to be.

 

The only upside is that I've started playing drums and guitar for a band, but I only get to do that once, maybe twice every couple of weeks. Otherwise I'm stuck here on the ****ing computer all day until I finally fall asleep (and I recently formed a mild case of insomnia to top it off). I know I tried to make one person the sole embodiment of my happiness when only you yourself can make yourself happy, but the people who say that are usually surrounded by friends so what do they know about being alone and hopeless?

 

Anyway, sorry about the long story, I just can't afford a therapist.

Edited October 16, 2012 by Nik1

[pteromom]

Wow. What a story.

 

Firstly, if you are regularly trying to hurt yourself and feeling like a third wheel everywhere you go, you need HELP. You say you can't afford therapy, but there are other options - support groups, etc. Even though you aren't suicidal, why not call a suicide hotline in your area and ask them for recommendations? They may have access to some resources that you would never know about otherwise.

 

Secondly, there is more to a relationship than what kind of music or movies you like. If that is what you are searching for, you are looking for the wrong things! The main thing is that you are able to respect each other's differences. I mean, if a girl loves Dubstep, but she is kind to you, meets your needs, laughs with you, and shows you love, who cares what music she likes????

 

Lastly, you aren't ready for a relationship right now, so I would just put that on the back burner for now. You need to be working on YOU. You need to get to a place where you feel worthy and deserving of love, where you feel good about where you are and your future, and THEN start dating again.

 

Because what you said is true - you can't expect someone else to MAKE you happy.

[Nik1]

I know there's more to it than personal tastes, but the relationship started deteriorating BECAUSE of that. Because we could no longer sit on the couch and watch a movie together like we used to (before she started caring about what we watched). She says it's because I was insensitive to her tastes, which was true, but I was just beginning to work on it (except for dubstep, I can handle Katy Perry and Bruno Mars' mindless drivel, but dubstep is just way too ear grating). And here's the thing I didn't mention, she said she had been putting this off for a couple of months (since we lived at my sister's house), I have a feeling that her connection with my friend, the fact that they were able to play video games together and enjoy the same things was what made her to decide to finally do it. She waited for the point when she knew she wouldn't be alone and be damned of what came of me.

 

And I've found that most lasting relationships are based around common interests. That's what my dad always told me anyway.

 

Also, does anyone think it was ****ed up that my friend got her on the rebound even though we weren't too close during the end. I mean, we grew up together. He knows a lot about me and she knows EVERYTHING about me, that's just a very uncomfortable feeling to have. And I know it sounds really nasty, but I hate that she had such an advantage and was able to move on so easily. Why couldn't she suffer too? This only makes me feel like I need to hurry and find someone else.

Edited October 16, 2012 by Nik1

[Calico]

Quite the story. You're a good writer and without doubt a bright, caring and sensible man.

 

I think the one thought I'd like to give you is that you need to remember that another person's choices and feelings do not reflect on who you are. The choices they make say something about themselves, not you. When feelings change, for whatever reason (sometimes there's not even a reason), it's common that the dumper blames it on the person they are dumping -- and it may well be how they feel at that moment, because it's a coping mechanism --, and the dumpee eats up the blame like yummy candy.

 

The truth, though, is that when relationships fail, it is nearly always the responsibility of the two people who were in that relationship. Not just one. You guys just had different interests and also different perspectives and expectations. To me, she sounds like a rather carefree person who mostly wants to have fun and live life lightly, as is evident by her never having had a job. Working for one's money has a maturing effect on people and she never experienced that. You seem a lot more responsible and more grown up, even if you may not believe that of yourself because you have this undeservedly low opinion of yourself.

 

I think this was a good experience and while it may not have worked out in the end (her getting together with your friend is poor style, but it's about her and not you, so don't make it your own), you did learn a lot and have grown in the process. Just remember that you didn't "mess it up", and it wasn't a single specific thing that ruined the relationship (and this didn't ruin your life -- if anything, this really empowered you, if you allow for it). You just weren't compatible in the long run and maybe this should have ended when she told you she had feelings for someone else. But you tried, you did what you could do (more than most would have done in your situation), and you should not blame yourself. People aren't perfect and what matters in the end is the intent. And based on what you wrote you have absolutely nothing to blame yourself for.

 

There is nothing that stops you from making new friends. You have a lot to offer to people, even if you question that. And hey, in the meantime (while you slowly work on grasping that the most important friend in your life is you) you can always hang with us here -- there's always more room in the sandbox for the dumped kids.

[CptSaveAho]

You should have taken your sisters offer for a ride and kicked your friends ass.

 

He's a douche. What comes around goes around. Be there on the opposite end with a baseball bat to double his pain

[Nik1]

To Calico: I appreciate your kind words, but still I don't think even my long story was completely honest. You might revoke your statements once I've said what I'm about to say next.

 

I deserve everything that I've gotten from this break up. You see, that night at the hotel party when she left me to hang out with other people, the reason she felt distant was because she felt I wasn't passionate enough with her any more. And she was right. I realize now that I was lying to myself and her throughout our whole relationship. The sad truth is that I'm a really bad, shallow and insecure person and that's why I was never able to give her the love and respect she deserved.

 

Don't get me wrong, I did love her and I still do in a way. But I was never really attracted to her. You see, her looks can be described as Ricky Gervais in girl form. And even though I had a girlfriend, I was still insecure with myself because she wasn't very pretty. I'd see guys with girls way better looking and felt like I should have that. Then there was her mother who is this despicable lazy, fat slob (I know the purpose is to self-depricate, but seriously, this woman sits on her computer ALL DAY, doesn't have a job, doesn't do any house work, has scars from shingles all over her body) and I dreaded being with someone like that twenty years from now. Even though I loved her personality and trusted her with opinions, I could never take her trust in her words cause she didn't reach my ideal form of beauty. But at the same time I was insecure with myself and adamant that I'd never get any better so I tried my best to stay with her even though I wasn't completely happy and I knew my thoughts about her appearance were unfair. I was constantly fighting with myself over this fact.

 

So in reality, she deserves Marc and I deserve to be alone. I spent most of my life alone and as I was alone I watched a lot of movies and tv and didn't interact with real people so I guess I formed this false, immature notion of beauty. Also, I remember one day my Dad was drunk (probably) and he told me that if I ever settled on a big fat girl he'd kick my ass (I'm sure he didn't mean it, cause he didn't). And I always felt like I was ugly, myself. I had lots of acne growing up, I was fat (not extremely fat, but fat enough... I'd say Bob Hoskins, circa Who Framed Roger Rabbit... I've been getting back in shape lately, I'm starting to resemble Tom Hardy from Dark Knight Rises... but I digress) and on top of that I have Wookie-esque body hair (which may have been fine in 70's but not these days of birth control).

 

So yeah, my entire problem all stems down to petty self-image problems and I was hiding that for four years. She'd ask me if I still thought she was attractive and I'd say "Well, I wouldn't stay with you otherwise". I began watching lots of porn towards the last year or so. I was so mean to her because I couldn't be happy with myself and for that I think I got what I deserve. And I think she'll be happier with Marc because he's less shallow (and he's a troll, so they're probably a better fit).

 

I remember when I first moved to Michigan and she cried because she thought I wasn't attracted to her. Before then she was hefty but gained a lot of weight and I told her so and she told me she use to want to kill herself but I managed to talk her out of her depression and kept the lie going for another two years. And it was wrong of me, because she really is a great person. She's kind, caring... a little lazy, but will work when she has to.

 

Even while realizing and writing this, I still have my shallow ideals and don't know if I'll ever get past that. You said I was the mature one, but I'm just as immature as any middle-schooler. But I recognize that I really do deserve this and she deserves to be happy. Reading this site has really helped me and even though I still am and probably will always be the ****ty person I am, I realize that there's people going through way worse than me and they didn't bring it upon themselves nearly as much as I did.

Edited October 17, 2012 by Nik1

[Calico]

Nik, no, I see no reason to withdraw what I said. Your painful honesty is refreshing, really. Look around you, in every day life -- how many people do you encounter who have such a clear idea of their shortcomings and don't try to play them down?

 

Yes, you're shallow, but guess what? Most people are. Of course you want one of the beautiful girls, because you too are a product of the society; the same society and its standards that cause you to agonize over your Wookie-esque appearance (I'm still grinning here, it's such an expressive term and you probably make yourself sound worse than you are; but hey, here's props for your brilliant sense of humor!). It's sort of a double-standard, but see, all these labels are tedious because they don't change "what is".

 

Beauty is a tricky thing. This is off-sounding, but I've not had problems with my looks or with appealing to the opposite gender, and I still don't, but I've turned forty this year (the same year my young and beautiful girlfriend left me for a guy younger than her) and the days of youthful appearance are coming to an end. Not quite yet (thanks mom, I love your genes!), but the fact is, physical appearance doesn't last, nor -- and that's the point I'm driving at -- does it make for happier, more successful relationships. I've had women who were very beautiful, but you know what it did? It caused me a lot of undue stress and self-esteem issues. And none of my relationships have turned into a marriage, either. Success is not determined by physical attraction.

 

Also, keep in mind that women tend to be less shallow when it comes to physical appearance. It depends a little on age and cultural background, but in general there are many women who would rather have a caring, intelligent, witty and loyal man than some stallion who can't keep his tanned dick in his designer pants. And as a guy, you have the ultimate advantage that age isn't going to hit you so hard, since current society standards have ingrained the belief that men only get more handsome as they age (it's largely bull and I think it has more to do with women looking for other attributes, so an older man often "works" because young men tend to be painfully immature and mind-numbingly uninspiring outside of bed).

 

So many stereotypes here. You're rubbing off on me! So, anyway, I think whether or not someone is attractive depends on their inner qualities too, but the key aspect, from my perspective, is how someone deals with their appearance. Some people are naturally beautiful by having the right features that current fashion sense and society dictate, but what matters (to me anyway) is what someone does with what they have. There are very many people out there who let themselves go and who make no effort. THAT is what I find unappealing.

 

You can't really do much about being a Wookie (have you considered going to Star Wars cons?), but you can, and have done so, do something about "being fat", if it's something you want to change about yourself and that you are unhappy with. In some cases there are medical reasons that prevent that, in most cases it's lack of willingness and discipline. Then there is clothing. So many people (more generalizations) just can't dress in ways appropriate for their physical features. I'm not saying that everyone needs to be mindful of that, and in fact I think that a "don't worry about what other people think" mindset is far more healthy, but if someone is unhappy with themselves, then sitting down on their ass and bemoaning how unfair nature has treated them isn't going to cut it. It's the same as being heartbroken but not wanting to make real effort to feel better and let go.

 

Then there's inner improvements. You are aware that you are shallow and that your self-esteem is Yoda-sized. Can't easily do anything about the shallowness (well, stop watching porn, it gives you a skewed idea of women anyway), but your self-confidence is not eternally bound to suck. What are you doing about this? Hint: Spending all day on the internet until the pills kick in isn't going to make you feel better about yourself. Well, maybe if you played World of Warcraft and had a pony, but I stray. So, make a plan. Pick up some books, fix yourself up and go to places. I don't mean, "sneak into the bar like a wet dog and hide in the corner", but walk in and pretend you're okay with yourself. It always starts with pretending. Many women like a man who radiates stability and self-esteem. (Unless they are emotional wrecks and need someone to pamper and take care of, but this isn't what you want at this point in your life.)

 

Although, I think you need friends rather than a girlfriend right now. Any plans to work on that? If so, how? Friends are almost always a better option than a romantic partner. I'm a hypocrite for saying that because I have always functioned much better if I had a girlfriend, but I'm currently working on that and I am deliberately single and going to stay that way until I feel I am okay with being on my own without someone who waits for me and misses me (it's surprisingly hard to get over not being missed by someone). Friends are excellent sources of affection and love. Not sex, granted (well, my friends aren't!), but you can survive masturbating for some time before you bump into someone new who'll love your New You (WIP).

 

Finally, start being a little bit more gentle with yourself. There is so much self-loathing leaking through your words, it's really not necessary. You're not like your dad, you're not a scumbag for wanting a pretty girl. It's not fantastic to be shallow, but it's what is and at least you are honest about it. It's not like you abuse women or kill kittens, and you are far more sensible than most men. Why not focus a little bit more on what you like about yourself instead of beating yourself up over the parts you don't like? Befriending yourself is the first step.

 

And, "I deserve to be unhappy and hopeless feeling." is BULLS.HIT. Sorry, but it really is. Snap out of that self-destructive thinking pattern. It serves no purpose whatsoever and it doesn't contribute to a solution. So, shed it, and yes, you CAN. If you want to.

 

Do you?

[Chi townD]

Uggh....okay, smack to the head with a 2x4. You're either going to like what I have to say or you won't. But, you need a wakeup call!

 

Okay, I read your sob story. BOO HOO!!! You done yet? GOOD!!!

 

Now, you've been having life kick you in the nuts for far too long. It's time you start kicking back. Your family isn't going to make your life better. Your Ex and "Marc" isn't going to make your life better. We aren't going to make your life better. The only person that can do that is YOU! Now, family, friends and us will give you 100% of our support and we will be your biggest fans. But, we can't make those changes in your life for you. You have to be the one to move forward.

 

Okay! So let's take stock. No job, no education, no car and no girlfriend. You are about as low as you can get. So, the only way left to go is.....UP! First things first! You have a job. Your full time job is FINDING a job. You should be dedicating 8 hours a day to finding a job. Believe me, you put that much effort into it, you'll land one. Hell, go to an employment agency! Go to Job Fairs! People will help you find a job! Once you get the job, then the first couple of paychecks should be saved to put towards a car. It may not be nice, but you just need something to get you from point A to point B right now. Okay, so job and car checked off the list!

 

You stated that you moved back to California because your education would be free. AWESOME!!! Where are you enrolled at? UC Davis? UC Berkley? USC? ULCA? I'm banking that you're not enrolled anywhere. That needs to be changed. You can ask me, "How am I supposed to work AND go to school?" A lot of Colleges and Universities have night classes. And a lot of major Universities are jumping on the bandwagon and offering online courses and degree's. NOW! You have to pick a major. You stated and interest in film but changed your mind. Dude, there's a lot of job options out there! Lot's of interesting things you can do!! Computers, medicine, nursing, marketing, accounting, business, teaching.....tons of stuff. Do your research and find out what's marketable and pays well on the outside! AND MOST IMPORTANT!!! DO WELL!!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE YOUR CAREER AND IT'S GOING TO PAY YOU FAT MONEY!!!!! Education checked off the list.

 

Now, you have to work on you. Go get a new hairstyle. Something people will notice and like. When you finally get settled into a job, spend a little money and buy some new clothes. I want you to start running. If you feel angry or depressed RUN!! This will help you burn off some of that stress and frustrations. DO push ups an sit ups everyday. Start eating right. The pounds will come off and you'll start building muscle mass. When you can swing it, join a gym and push weight and swim. By changing your self image you start to improve your self confidence. New hair, new clothes and ripped bod. You're going to feel great! Then, put yourself out there! You say that you don't have any friends. Get a hobby, I guarntee you that there is a club for your hobby. You say you like film, but not as a career. Geez, you're in Cali!! There are a bunch of Film Clubs in Cali! Garage Production companies that make short films for no other reason other than...they're fun to make and post on YouTube! You meet people that way! Hiking Clubs, Cycling clubs....Tons of stuff out there!

 

When you start meeting people, you're going to start meeting girls. Or these guys you hang with may have girlfriends. If their girlfriends find out you're available, they might want to try to hook you up with one of their friends. Especially, if you have nice hair, groomed well, nice bod, very confident, laughing a lot, nice guy....they're gonna want to play matchmaker! Now, you may have not achieved your ultimate goals yet, but the progress you've made will be attractive. What sounds better as an answer to a girls question if she asks what do you do for a living? Answering, "I work at a hotdog stand." OR "I work at a hotdog stand. But, I'm also a student at the University of California and I'm majoring in Computer Science." Which sounds better? Shows her that you're a stuggling college student, but you have goals in life and your driven to achieve them. This guy knows what he wants and he goes after it. See, you didn't even need to show confidence, it just showed through on it's own. And sooner or later, that girl with the awesome "girl next door" cuteness with the deep blue eyes, petite little thing, with the killer smile and dimples and cute little butt is gonna start asking about you.

 

So, you HAVE to get motivated. You have to put all of this crap behind you and move forward. You've had WAY TOO many downs. All you need to do is just have one little win. Just ONE WIN. And I promise you'll start feeling better. You you have to find the motivation to do it. What do you have to lose? GO FOR IT!!!!