happy_lady Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Hi guys, Okay so I was having a random conversation with my boyfriend a few minutes ago on the phone, then we started talking about how he went to the night club last Saturday without me and he was telling me how much fun he had. So I asked him if he minded if I danced with other guys, then he told me to do what I want. I followed by telling him that I didn't want him to dance with other girls at the club when I'm not there. Then he told me that he wants to dance with other girls, even if I'm not there, because he wants to have fun when he goes out. After he said this, he quickly ended the phone conversation. Okay, this made me mad, I don't understand what he is doing in a relationship with me if he wants to have fun. Im seriously about to break up with him because of this. I need a serious guy, not someone who still wants to have fun with other girls. Advice please... What do you guys think?
River Rain Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 If your partner is doing something that bothers you to the point where you feel like you won't be able to trust them, it's time to move on. It's natural sometimes that two people aren't on the same page with regards to the seriousness of a relationship. His idea of dancing with other girls and having fun might just be innocent. If it's all grinding and touching, then that's a problem.
Author happy_lady Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Well, usually when Im at the club with him, he just dances with me, and it is usually grinding and all... I actually have never seen a guy and a girl dancing together and doing it miles away from each other, usually, their bodies are touching each other, and they are grinding. I just don't get why he would tell me that dancing with other girls is how he has fun at the club. I just thought that since he is in a committed relationship, he is going out to have some drinks and hang out with his friends, and not to dance with other girls. I'm totally about to leave him over this.
River Rain Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Well, usually when Im at the club with him, he just dances with me, and it is usually grinding and all... I actually have never seen a guy and a girl dancing together and doing it miles away from each other, usually, their bodies are touching each other, and they are grinding. I just don't get why he would tell me that dancing with other girls is how he has fun at the girl. I just thought that since he is in a committed relationship, he is going out to have some drinks and hang out with his friends, and not to dance with other girls. I'm totally about to leave him over this. If you really feel strongly, then leave him. If he's grinding up with other women as "fun", then he's not ready for a committed relationship because that's pretty disrespectful and hurtful to do to someone you supposedly love and respect. 1
pteromom Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I have the opposite viewpoint, which is Who Cares? If you love him and trust him, you should want him to be enjoying his life. As long as he isn't going home with one of the girls, who cares if he is dancing with them? I don't understand what he is doing in a relationship with me if he wants to have fun. So his one and only source of fun in life is supposed to be YOU if he is in a relationship with you? Sounds very restrictive, and honestly not very fun at all. 1
Author happy_lady Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Thanks River_Rain, I do feel strongly about it. I just hope I'm not being irrational
River Rain Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Thanks River_Rain, I do feel strongly about it. I just hope I'm not being irrational That's for you to decide though. I think you might be better to have a one on one conversation with him about it before you decide to just end things. If my boyfriend were bumping and grinding with other women, it wouldn't sit well with me, but find out if that's what he's actually doing first. 1
Author happy_lady Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Thanks for your input Pteromom. Im not saying I want to be his only source of fun, but I don't want him grinding with other women. He says dancing with other girls is the only way he will have fun at the club. I don't dance with other guys at the club when I go with my girls, and I still have fun. I think that if he is in a relationship with me, he has to be ready to leave other girls alone. 2
mammasita Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I know it's hard to see when you're in the middle of the situation, but he isn't ready for a relationship. I dated someone who did the same to me, not worth it girl. How good you treat eachother when you're together matters, but the important part is how you respect eachother when you AREN'T together. 1
Imajerk17 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I'm thinking you ought to have made sure you both were on the same page, BEFORE you entered into a relationship with him.
Author happy_lady Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 I'm thinking you ought to have made sure you both were on the same page, BEFORE you entered into a relationship with him. Thanks for the advice, and yah, I guess you are right, but I can't regret the past, I just need advice for my current situation.
RachR Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Thanks River_Rain, I do feel strongly about it. I just hope I'm not being irrational I think the only irrational thing here would be to not talk to him in a serious discussion about it before ending things. At least have a discussion, like River Rain suggested. You feeling like this, though, is not irrational, it's just you have a certain value system and it might not be the same as his. Some people, like pteromom, will have a "who cares?" view on it, and that's just how they are...but this is how you are. I also would find it very disrespectful and not be ok with a boyfriend rubbing up on girls at a club while dancing. I had an ex who thought it was ok, while in a serious relationship, for him to cuddle with girl friends or let them nibble on his neck or whatever while they are drunk. That is something that would not be ok with me (and it doesn't make me irrational or jealous imo). I didn't find this out about him until after we broke up though, go figure.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Well, usually when Im at the club with him, he just dances with me, and it is usually grinding and all... I actually have never seen a guy and a girl dancing together and doing it miles away from each other, usually, their bodies are touching each other, and they are grinding. I just don't get why he would tell me that dancing with other girls is how he has fun at the club. I just thought that since he is in a committed relationship, he is going out to have some drinks and hang out with his friends, and not to dance with other girls. I'm totally about to leave him over this. So you think your BF is going out to a club, just having a few drinks with friends then watching his friends dance all night, politely rejecting any girls that want to dance or him not being the typical guy and waiting for opportunities? :/...I mean c'mon now, who's does that and how can you really even believe that? what in the world would he even want to be there for IF he was just going to sit around, why not just stay home? what do you really think he's doing there, just sitting around watching everyone else dance....at a club? With other women dressed up trying to look as sexy as possible? Guys don't dance in a gaggle of guys waving their hands and drinks up in the air getting drunk and rejecting advances from women because they "just like to dance"...It sounds like his friends are single as well or they'd got the same story of going out clubbing and just observing like a group of creepers. I have no idea what fantasy or picture you had in your head of a guy at a club doing absolutely nothing, I don't get the visual in my head...so I think It's a bit ridiculous you thought he wasn't dancing with other women there. As far the boundaries, It sounds like you have poor communication about what is ok and what is not ok....women love to assume that men will follow these unsaid rules because they are committed....that's a really bad thing to assume, you better talk about everything and anything when it comes to boundaries and expectations...sounds like he's not really looking to be tied down either. You're going to have to talk to him about this and get his perspective and where he really is in the relationship. If those are your boundaries then make sure you mean what you say...as soon as you start bending the rules for a guy he's going to take it even farther and you're not going to be happy about it. So get on the same page with communication and mutual desire/interest (remember he's got to want to do this, not be made to do it...and you can't make him want to want to do it :/ )If he doesn't want to do it then you might be even more surprised about other things in the relatoinship. As far as him telling you he had a good time, you need to be careful what you punish a guy for, IF he felt like it was ok to dance with other women and you scold him than he's more than likely just to lie to you in the future rather than tell you the truth....at least he was being honest and open about it, which you should have asked questions to get an idea of the big picture and anything else he was doing...ask him specifics about his clubbing adventures and we'll see what he makes up that he "had so much fun doing"...but instead now he's on red alert, he hung on you because he didn't want to talk about it and he doesn't want to be punished or told he cannot do it....so you're going to have a conflict here, just make sure whatever you say you stand by it, don't throw ultimatums around unless you mean it...to the point it's not an ultimatum more than an incompatibilty...you have to see how much he really wants to be in this relatoinship and you obviously have to agree on the bounaries and something you'll be be comfortable with....just realize, not a lot of good things come out of a club, maybe once in a while but If he's going on a consistent basis he's going to meet women, and that's at least what his friends are there for. 1
Author happy_lady Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Yah, I did expect him to go out and have a drink with his mates without having to dance with other women. I did tell him that I am not okay with him doing this, but he told me that he wants to do it, because he wants to have fun when he goes to the club. So I did communicate the boundaries. When I go to the club without him, there are guys wanting to dance with me, touch me, do the whole grinding thing with me, but out of respect for my boyfriend, I never do it. Personally, I think he needs to first finish having fun and then get into a relationship. There are just some things he has to be willing to stop doing while in a relationship,imo.
HeldbyGravity Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 He told you to do what you want, because he wants to do what he wants. Even if he does still want committment, he is the kind of guy who wants to be able to dance with other girls and have his girlfriend be okay with it. If you're not okay with it, don't be his girlfriend.
Author happy_lady Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 I dont think you can get to do what you want and be in a committed relationship at the same time. It doesn't work like that. In my opinion its an either or kind of situation. you have to pick one.
kaylan Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Hi guys, Okay so I was having a random conversation with my boyfriend a few minutes ago on the phone, then we started talking about how he went to the night club last Saturday without me and he was telling me how much fun he had. So I asked him if he minded if I danced with other guys, then he told me to do what I want. I followed by telling him that I didn't want him to dance with other girls at the club when I'm not there. Then he told me that he wants to dance with other girls, even if I'm not there, because he wants to have fun when he goes out. After he said this, he quickly ended the phone conversation. Okay, this made me mad, I don't understand what he is doing in a relationship with me if he wants to have fun. Im seriously about to break up with him because of this. I need a serious guy, not someone who still wants to have fun with other girls. Advice please... What do you guys think? Dump him. Guys who are serious about a girl do not go to night clubs to dance with other women. Its never harmless. I love dance music and I love dancing. In which case, if I go to the club with my friends, Im either dancing with them in a group or Im bringing my gf so I can dance with her. Why the hell would I dance with strangers and create unneeded sexual tension and drama? 2
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