honeymilk Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Im gonna try to make a long and complicated story as brief as I can. Im engaged to a man and we live on either side of the country.. For many different reasons we decided to try anyway and he decided that he wants to move here and marry me. We’ve only been together about a year. But the issue is that in the beginning of the relationship I was unfaithful. Trust me, nobody can think any less of myself than I do for that. What I did when he confronted me about it was to lie again and thus replacing one lie with another. So basically he doesn’t know that I was unfaithful, but he knows that I lied and that is a big issue, obviously, but still something that he is willing to work on. Now here is my issue. Hes ex-military and Im a pascifist. Say what you will about that combination but we’ve made it work until now. He recently told me that when he moves here, he wants to and will beat this guy up if he ever comes across him. Now, not only does that go against everything I believe in, it is not the man that I thought he was when I fell in love with him. Maybe I deluded myself, I don’t know. Second of all, there is the risk of the truth coming out in that situation, and I fear what that would make him do. And based on our conversations I have no doubt that even if I came clean now, he would make his way over here and hunt the guy down. I have no idea what to do. I know how twisted this situation is. But I do love him. I don’t want to live without him, but do I really have a choice?
aisle_seat Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 That is a difficult situation and I'm sorry you find yourself in it. Your guy's anger is misplaced...he should be angry with you and no doubt would be if he knew the truth. If you decide to tell him you need to make him understand that. The caveat to that is, however, if you think he may become threatening or violent with you. If you suspect even a little that may be the case, then you need to break it off with him but don't tell him about your unfaithfulness. No need to upset him further if you're going your separate ways. If you're not worried about him becoming unstable, then you should lay your cards on the table. I understand his anger towards the other party in this, and he's hardly innocent, but this is between you and your fiancee. It sounds as though this issue has brought into sharp relief your differences in philosophy in how to deal with difficult and upsetting emotional issues. You may need to think more about how such issues, even not as serious as this, might be resolved in the future with him if you were to decide to stay together. If you tell him the truth but also say you want to stay together, your putting the ball in his court. Good luck.
Author honeymilk Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Mostly I fear for the other man. Not because I have feelings for him or think him more important than my fiance. Simply because I think that I am the wrong-doer here and I feel that the punishment should be mine. Apart from that, violance goes against every moral bone in my body. He has every right to react and to be angry with me. To break off the engagement and never want to speak to me again. But like I said, I fear that if the truth were to come out, there would be no stopping him from hurting that man, and maybe me as well. You are right in what you're saying about our different ways of handling emotional issues. And I will take that in to consideration. I think that I probably don't have any other choice than breaking up with him. It just breaks my heart, even though I know it's mostly my fault to begin with. I guess I just needed to read it from someone else.
aisle_seat Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Cheating's wrong, but there was a reason you were unfaithful. Given that, your different philosophies and his penchant for violence, I think your decision is the correct one.
silicone Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 He deserves to know the truth and for you to lose him. Not all ex military men are violent.
aisle_seat Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 You're right; not all military men are violent. However, she said specifically that her fiancee is. If she fears for her safety or that of someone else, she should just tell her fiancee she can't square their differences and turn him loose.
silicone Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 You're right; not all military men are violent. However, she said specifically that her fiancee is. If she fears for her safety or that of someone else, she should just tell her fiancee she can't square their differences and turn him loose. She didn't specifically say that he is violent, he simply stated that he would want to beat up the OM - and well guess what - many male BS would say the same thing. She made the decision to be unfaithful and she must live with the consequences. Part of that is respecting him, by telling him the truth.
aisle_seat Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 "He recently told me that when he moves here, he wants to and will beat this guy up if he ever comes across him" "Second of all, there is the risk of the truth coming out in that situation, and I fear what that would make him do." Seems pretty specific to me. I'm not defending what she did, but if she's going to break up with him, I don't see any need for her to throw gas on the fire.
silicone Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 "He recently told me that when he moves here, he wants to and will beat this guy up if he ever comes across him" "Second of all, there is the risk of the truth coming out in that situation, and I fear what that would make him do." Seems pretty specific to me. I'm not defending what she did, but if she's going to break up with him, I don't see any need for her to throw gas on the fire. You've never been cheated on, have you?
nofool4u Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Now here is my issue. Hes ex-military and Im a pascifist. Say what you will about that combination but we’ve made it work until now. He recently told me that when he moves here, he wants to and will beat this guy up if he ever comes across him. I've never understood this. I fully understand anger towards a guy that doesn't have enough respect for him to not bed down his committed gf, but why would he want to beat him up, but still want to marry you? Although the guy you had sex with isn't blameless, YOU are the one that did him more dirty. He should be more angry with you. Now, not only does that go against everything I believe in, it is not the man that I thought he was when I fell in love with him. Why? Because he is angry over what you and this other guy have done? He is probably like most men, like me, we don't care to get into a fight, but once we have been hurt, we don't think clearly. Yes, I too initially wanted to thrash the OM, but I came to my senses and realized it was my then wife that needed to be the focus of my anger, and no, I'm not talking about wanting to thrash her then, just that she was the one that was more directly responsible. But my point is this, YOU brought this out in him. And really, you can't talk about being the man you fell in love with, because if you fell in love with him, you wouldn't have cheated on him, lied to him, and then not expect him to be angry over the betrayal, no matter how misdirected his anger is. Being cheated on can cause the most rational person to be irrational, at least in the short term. And remember, YOU are the one that hurt him. He should realize that you aren't the person that he fell in love with either. You cheated. Maybe I deluded myself, I don’t know. Second of all, there is the risk of the truth coming out in that situation, and I fear what that would make him do. And based on our conversations I have no doubt that even if I came clean now, he would make his way over here and hunt the guy down. I have no idea what to do. You break it off with him. You betrayed him and now will look down upon him because he is reacting to what you did to him. Set him free, he will get over it and find someone that won't cheat and lie to him. 1
nofool4u Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Mostly I fear for the other man. Not because I have feelings for him or think him more important than my fiance. Simply because I think that I am the wrong-doer here and I feel that the punishment should be mine. Apart from that, violance goes against every moral bone in my body. Where does cheating factor in then?
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