SER Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years this weekend. We had compatibility issues and he often took me for granted. Over time, the issues that we had came to a head and one thing after the other rocked my boat to the point where I knew what I had to do... for both of us. I told him of the problems that I had and that we had and he confirmed that there are some things that he could not change and some that he was more than willing to keep trying to change. He didn't want to lose me. In those last few hours of talking and crying with each other over what we've built together and how much we care for each other, it became harder for me to take and I was full-on heart broken along with him. I held it in to be strong, but I just couldn't anymore. I felt myself constantly doubting on whether or not what I was doing was right, but I had to keep trying to think about it with my brain and not my heart. I couldn't be unfair to him in still having a relationship when the things that he does and the way that he treats me at times make me feel so bad that I don't give my all. And I couldn't be unfair to myself and keep him in my life right now knowing that I would often feel sad and that I was missing some things from life. I've read a lot of posts in the past day in the break-ups area and I think what many dumpees don't realize is how hard it really is for some dumpers. I do love him more than anything, but I can't make him change his ways or see that he's taken me for granted when he still has me around. I've learned that over the past year, post 1 month break up with him. It wasn't until the last hour or so when he realized that the reasons behind his actions were unwarranted and that he was wrong in many ways of his thinking over the past couple of years. It is a shame that none of this comes to light until it is over. I'm afraid to move forward and meet someone new, as I know that he cares so much for me and would be devastated. I would be devastated as well knowing that if I find someone that meets all of my needs, that there obviously would be no hope at all to rekindle what we had at some point, if he did finally get himself together and change on his own. Another thing that makes this so difficult is that I am so busy and do so much that I have little time to talk to anyone about anything. So I am not so glad that I have to be sad on my own every day at what was lost and will have nothing but school and work in between to keep myself sane and grounded. This really sucks.
flitzanu Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 the only "flaw" in your post here is about him "only realizing his mistakes over the last years in the last hours of convo". that's just not true. the end of a relationship and/or a breakup is not the one single brilliant moment of clarity that someone has about how much they've hurt someone. admitting it though, is the last brilliant moment of desperation in trying to keep you. 1
River Rain Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I'm afraid to move forward and meet someone new, as I know that he cares so much for me and would be devastated. I would be devastated as well knowing that if I find someone that meets all of my needs, that there obviously would be no hope at all to rekindle what we had at some point, if he did finally get himself together and change on his own. People rarely change. But if he does want to change, it should be for him, and not for you right? You shouldn't think of dating right now, you just broke up. You have to go through a grieving process and get yourself feeling better before even thinking of finding someone else. Right now yes, the idea of you with another man makes you feel guilty, but if you were with another man right now, it would simply be a rebound situation, so don't even put that guilt on yourself. Just stick to your decision, it's going to be hard, but take things one day at a time. Let yourself cry, but don't let it take over your life. There are lots of men and women out there, we often get blinded by what could have been and we forget the reasons why the break up makes sense. I also think you should go nc with him so you can both heal. Good luck.
LostOne1 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years this weekend. We had compatibility issues and he often took me for granted. Over time, the issues that we had came to a head and one thing after the other rocked my boat to the point where I knew what I had to do... for both of us. I told him of the problems that I had and that we had and he confirmed that there are some things that he could not change and some that he was more than willing to keep trying to change. He didn't want to lose me. In those last few hours of talking and crying with each other over what we've built together and how much we care for each other, it became harder for me to take and I was full-on heart broken along with him. I held it in to be strong, but I just couldn't anymore. I felt myself constantly doubting on whether or not what I was doing was right, but I had to keep trying to think about it with my brain and not my heart. I couldn't be unfair to him in still having a relationship when the things that he does and the way that he treats me at times make me feel so bad that I don't give my all. And I couldn't be unfair to myself and keep him in my life right now knowing that I would often feel sad and that I was missing some things from life. I've read a lot of posts in the past day in the break-ups area and I think what many dumpees don't realize is how hard it really is for some dumpers. I do love him more than anything, but I can't make him change his ways or see that he's taken me for granted when he still has me around. I've learned that over the past year, post 1 month break up with him. It wasn't until the last hour or so when he realized that the reasons behind his actions were unwarranted and that he was wrong in many ways of his thinking over the past couple of years. It is a shame that none of this comes to light until it is over. I'm afraid to move forward and meet someone new, as I know that he cares so much for me and would be devastated. I would be devastated as well knowing that if I find someone that meets all of my needs, that there obviously would be no hope at all to rekindle what we had at some point, if he did finally get himself together and change on his own. Another thing that makes this so difficult is that I am so busy and do so much that I have little time to talk to anyone about anything. So I am not so glad that I have to be sad on my own every day at what was lost and will have nothing but school and work in between to keep myself sane and grounded. This really sucks. See this happened with my ex.. you sound like her. Except what me ex didn;t realize is after a month I changed so much. I sat down and looked over everything and realize how I did mess up and at times took her for granted. It's like I realized all my flaws and mistakes, but now changing and showing her I've noticed them and worked on them seems to mean nothing to her. Which is why I don't get why people say you don't learn till it's over? Don't people deserve a chance to learn their mistakes and show the one they love they have gone through a transformation? That's one thing I wish my ex would see is that I was this amazing guy when I met her. Then I lost myself and just wasn't happy with my own self and took her down with me. And then this happens and it wakes me up to realize what really has been going on. But sadly my ex feels like it's too late to fix it or realize it. I just wish people would see that sometimes we need a life changing moment to realize things... Sometimes I've seen couples struggle until one is seriously injured or sick. Then the other partner realizes how much they love them and things they could do to keep their special someone happy. We all mess up... I wish some people would realize we are human, we make mistakes. But if we are willing to sit down and admit our mistakes and be serious and genuine. Then I think we deserve a chance too, only if we show we are willing to learn and work harder this time around.... But sadly my ex and many others don't think or see it that way. No one wants to take the hard road.. it's all bout taking the easy road and moving on.
Author SER Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 admitting it though, is the last brilliant moment of desperation in trying to keep you. I can see that this is true. But why wait until then? Why spend this whole time (at least 4 years) saying one thing and not admitting/explaining until it's the end? If you really wanted to keep someone in your life... why not admit the things that the other person wanted so much to know/hear the whole time? Thanks River. We both decided to go NC during the last hour or so of talking/crying and we talked and said our goodbyes to each other. We know it's for the best and I will do my best not to break it and I hope he does the same, at least until it's been long enough that we've moved on. I want him to change for him too. He was such a negative person and had such a negative outlook on things in life that often brought me down. I do hope that he gets better, for his own sake. Taking a day at a time right now... the past 2 days seem never ending. I'll keep on keepin' on and try to remember why this was for the best when I catch myself wondering again whether it was right or not. Except what me ex didn;t realize is after a month I changed so much. I sat down and looked over everything and realize how I did mess up and at times took her for granted. It's like I realized all my flaws and mistakes, but now changing and showing her I've noticed them and worked on them seems to mean nothing to her. After we broke up for a brief time last year, he showed me that he changed some. But there are some compatibility issues that will not change and some elements about his (unchangeable) beliefs in treating people that contribute to the way he treats me. And those issues will understandably take longer to change if they even do. I'm glad that you have changed for yourself, because really that is what matters. That it meant nothing to her is a shame. It would mean a lot to me if he really, and I mean actually, took a step back and realized how much the things that he says and the things that he does hurt. Which is why I don't get why people say you don't learn till it's over? Don't people deserve a chance to learn their mistakes and show the one they love they have gone through a transformation? He didn't start nodding his head and saying,"X was wrong, I'm such an idiot" until those last few moments. He did say that he wished I could give him more time to change, but this was his second chance. I don't know how long it would have taken him to change or if he would (as he did before) forget that he was taking me for granted and continue to do so. And I don't have that time to wait around... I am surely aging and I need to settle down with someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. And so does he. But for a guy who isn't sure about me 100% (which was another issue that turned to 100% at the end), I just couldn't anymore. I just wish people would see that sometimes we need a life changing moment to realize things... Sometimes I've seen couples struggle until one is seriously injured or sick. Then the other partner realizes how much they love them and things they could do to keep their special someone happy. We were this couple in the early years. I had a big surgery and he was by my side the whole time at an out of state hospital for a week. And as time went on, he became an unhappy person for his own reasons (he felt bad about himself gaining weight, was stressed with school, etc.). During this unhappy time, he injured himself and I still took care of him. Shortly after, I fell ill and he was mad at me for wasting his time to ask him to pick me up something to eat and treated me horribly. I didn't care back then how bad it got, I would always take care of him. But in that moment where I realized that he was not the same is one of the times I realized that he wasn't in the same place I was. But sadly my ex and many others don't think or see it that way. No one wants to take the hard road.. it's all bout taking the easy road and moving on. I think every case is different. There are so many other things that would take so much more explaining in the problems with our relationship, but that second chance was the hard road for me. I didn't want to give it to him and I really wasn't sure that I should. But I did and in the beginning, it was good. But then those things started to pop up again, and especially toward the end, and that's when I realized that things might not change after all. And that other things would never change. He told me thoughts that he had and gave reasons that he had during the break up talk that also stunned me and made me further think that this was the right thing to do. Breaking up is a different hard road. It's not without its own uncertainties or sadness. I can tell you it isn't an easy road for some, it's not easy at all.
lemondrops11 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Hey, i've been going through a similarish situation in that I dumped my ex just over 4 months ago due to compatability issues. Issues I didn't think would change despite him saying otherwise, even though my heart absolutely loves him. It's a tough one because there's always that element of 'what if' i don't meet someone i connect with as much etc. But they'll be someone else out there you get on with and that doesn't need to change to fit what you need.
River Rain Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Of course it's hard, and you might have a setback, but your reasons are sound. You have to take care of you now. The nc, is for you to heal and it really works, at least it did for me. Distraction works too, no sad movies or songs...lots of comedies. Talk too, lots of talking. The more you talk, the more your brain takes over from your heart. 1
todreaminblue Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years this weekend. We had compatibility issues and he often took me for granted. Over time, the issues that we had came to a head and one thing after the other rocked my boat to the point where I knew what I had to do... for both of us. I told him of the problems that I had and that we had and he confirmed that there are some things that he could not change and some that he was more than willing to keep trying to change. He didn't want to lose me. In those last few hours of talking and crying with each other over what we've built together and how much we care for each other, it became harder for me to take and I was full-on heart broken along with him. I held it in to be strong, but I just couldn't anymore. I felt myself constantly doubting on whether or not what I was doing was right, but I had to keep trying to think about it with my brain and not my heart. I couldn't be unfair to him in still having a relationship when the things that he does and the way that he treats me at times make me feel so bad that I don't give my all. And I couldn't be unfair to myself and keep him in my life right now knowing that I would often feel sad and that I was missing some things from life. I've read a lot of posts in the past day in the break-ups area and I think what many dumpees don't realize is how hard it really is for some dumpers. I do love him more than anything, but I can't make him change his ways or see that he's taken me for granted when he still has me around. I've learned that over the past year, post 1 month break up with him. It wasn't until the last hour or so when he realized that the reasons behind his actions were unwarranted and that he was wrong in many ways of his thinking over the past couple of years. It is a shame that none of this comes to light until it is over. I'm afraid to move forward and meet someone new, as I know that he cares so much for me and would be devastated. I would be devastated as well knowing that if I find someone that meets all of my needs, that there obviously would be no hope at all to rekindle what we had at some point, if he did finally get himself together and change on his own. Another thing that makes this so difficult is that I am so busy and do so much that I have little time to talk to anyone about anything. So I am not so glad that I have to be sad on my own every day at what was lost and will have nothing but school and work in between to keep myself sane and grounded. This really sucks. My ex has said to me many times that he stuffed up, he walked away i gave the ultimatum........the relationship break up was not all his fault......my part in it is i stayed too long.......it was an ugly break......somethings are not meant to be revisited.....when you have regrets and doubt those should stay in your past and let them go.......and they are in your past.Being scared of the unknown future is a given..the future is not decisive it is a mystery to all but god...we just dont know what is around the corner...good or bad.......its out of our control.....we just have to keep our chin up and learn from our mistakes, take stock of what is good in our lives and invest that in a new relationship that wont have the baggage of the old relationship.....it will be unique...because whatever happens good or bad in your past ....shapes you into the person you are today.....if you go through bad times...you become more appreciative of the good times....they just make you smile.....you become a survivor and you dont take relationships people or life and love forgranted....you arent ready to have a relationship yet that is all......but when you do you will have an arsenal of experience to take in to that new relationship and an appreciation of what is good for knowing what bad felt like..... my past.......how i look at it......the worst is over for me.the crap i have had hasn tlaid me flat and its been pretty rugged..now i can appreciate the good times when they come......and if i have to have bad times in there....i will have skills to deal with those.....thats survival of the fittest you dont learn from just having good times.....you learn when things get rough and rugged..its rugged for you at the moment...it will not always be this way....its not how life is.....i wish you love of life....and love in life......deb
flitzanu Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 the reason people won't admit it until the end is because we DON'T CHANGE. it's easy enough to audibly admit to our faults, but you're right...why wait until the end? because we know we aren't going to be able to fix it, but if we convince you to stay and believe that we'll change...it will give us just that much more time with you. and then in a few weeks you'll see the same pattern and same problems...rinse and repeat. people just fundamentally don't change who they really are, we don't know how, and all those promises are only temporary. if we wanted to be someone else, we WOULD.
LostOne1 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 After we broke up for a brief time last year, he showed me that he changed some. But there are some compatibility issues that will not change and some elements about his (unchangeable) beliefs in treating people that contribute to the way he treats me. And those issues will understandably take longer to change if they even do. I'm glad that you have changed for yourself, because really that is what matters. That it meant nothing to her is a shame. It would mean a lot to me if he really, and I mean actually, took a step back and realized how much the things that he says and the things that he does hurt. See with me.. I sent her a letter. Explaining what I did wrong. I mean when I met her I did all these special things... and then later I stopped. And I think over the last yr or 2 she felt like I stopped and that meant I wanted her away. Which was never the case.. and she told me many times to show her I care through actions and not have her guess my heart. It;s as if I love her, but never said it always and expected her to feel it or understand it. And I guess actions speak louder than no words or just some words. And after we break up now, I realized it all.. just getting away for a month and looking at my convo's with her and emails. I realized I went from doing everything for her to really almost nothing. I mean I did some stuff, but I'd randomly send her cards or ecards etc.. I just hadn't done much anymore. And it sucks to realize it now after the break up. I guess I didn't know that losing her would be so painful, that it would show how I had an amazing character as a person and how low and down I feel in my life. I never felt so terrible as a person to know someone loved me so much, and I took her for granted slowly as time went on till now. And well now.. for her I guess it's "what's the point.. I'm dying to see a side of him to show he cares more, but he won't show it or understand what I want him to do". So I did my best and sent a apology card, which took me forever to find one that said something on it that I wanted to say, and some pictures of us, and a handwritten letter. Don't know if she will read it or not. All I can say is if a guy can go out of his way to 3 card shops to find that perfect card, can write 5 pages of a heartfelt letter appologzing for all the mistakes and understanding how he mad her feel at times... and sending her photos and inside the card decorting it with good memories. Then I don't know what else a girl could want to see in a guy to know he's truly sorry and just wants to own up and fix his mistakes. I haven't spent that much time to give her a gift made by me in awhile now. But it felt so good to do it even if the end result is good, bad, or the same as now. I don't plan on being a winner, but I did it because that's the person I was when I met her always doing thise little things, and at least when I go out i'll be known to her as that same person again. For once I slept next to a bible... maybe a miracle will happen...only if it's meant to happen.
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