PennGuy Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I don't even know where to start. Well, I guess I will begin here. Saturday night I went out with a guy friend and my girlfriend went out with one of her girlfriends. I get home that evening to find her not at home. I call her phone to find out where she is and there's no answer. I still can't get ahold of her at noon Sunday. I'm worried that something happened to her. She finally strolls in the door around 2:30 Sunday afternoon and said she spent the night at her girlfriends and then went to her aunt and uncle's. I can tell something is on her mind and I ask her multiple times what is up. She looks at me and flat out says "I can't do this anymore". No tears, no stammering, just bam..there it was. Even though I could feel her pulling away in the months prior and we've had previous chats about how our relationship wasn't good, I vowed to work on things. I loved her and still do. I started paying more attention to her, telling her she was pretty, bringing home little surprises. A sweet text message here and there...cleaning the apartment before work so she could arrive to a nice clean home. But, she still seemed distant. I could tell by the way she kissed me, I could tell when we had sex. Her Zumba hobby (she got an instructors liscense a year and a half before) took precedent over everything. She told me a few times before that I never paid attention to her until she was in shape. She was never out of shape. She's always been a size 2 and now she's just more toned. I told her that her appearance never had anything to do with it, I just got complacent and lazy and took our relationship for granted. In the beginning of the summer I made a vow to become the guy she once saw me as, and I feel I was making great progress but she didn't seem to be trying or maybe she was but the love was gone and it wasn't working for her anymore. Today would've been three years. Three years of my life has been torn apart in one sentence. I haven't eaten since Sunday, I can barely sleep and I am so restless I don't know what to do with myself. I am staying at my parents house for the time being and I want nothing more than to go "home", then when I go there, it's like a funeral home with all the pictures and memories of something that is now dead. Yesterday while getting a few things, I cleaned the entire place, and even finished laundry (monday was laundry day). I don't even know why I did it. Maybe I thought it would change things. I had a huge speech planned when she came home from work before teaching her exercise class. She said she was and never did probably because I was there. She is a totally different person than when we first started dating. She had little self esteem and confidence. I am the opposite. She has said that I am one of the reasons she is more outgoing. I feel like I changed her into someone that didn't want to be with me anymore. The old her needed someone like me, but the new confident her wants something different. I kind of felt this coming, but the shock of it still hurt, because I was there thick and thin, richer and poorer, sickness and health, and we weren't even married. I would've spent the rest of my life making her feel like the most important girl in the world, but she's finished. In hindsight, I feel like the period of time I put me before her, would turn her down her sexual advances really killed it for her, so I am partly to blame also. I am worried how she will manage financially on her own with rent and a new car payment, and utilities and food. I still deeply care and love her and don't want to let her go, but I have to. If she comes back it was meant to be and she doesn't than that was the plan for us all along. Three years. Three years down the drain. All that emotion, time, energy, money and memories just wasted in the blink of an eye. I can't believe this happened to me.
Mspink702 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I'm sorry your going through this I went through a similar situation with my now ex a few years ago. We both went out one Saturday night, he went with his friends and I with mine. I got home around 1230-1 and called his phone and no answer. He didn't show up until 6am and when I asked where he was he said he was out with the guys. After that night things were different. He was very distant he didn't want to be around me at all. He started spending lots of time with his friends and when I finally said something he told me he thought we should breakup because he needed to be alone for a while. I was so heartbroken! I couldn't believe it I did everything for this guy and he just dropped me like nothing! Well i found out he met a girl that night he went out with his friends and was talking to her now. It was some of the worst pain I ever felt. Fast forward like 3 months later him and the other girl are done and he calls me and we get back together for another 2 years. Until last week when he broke up with me again and this time moved out of state! It hurts so bad! Just try and stay busy, hang out with friends, work out, just try and keep your mind off of her I know it's easier said then done but she is not thinking about you at this point. And doing the laundry and cleaning the house isn't goin to make her change her mind. If anything its just going to hurt you more when you go over there its goin to bring back all those memories. i myself dont understand how they can just one day be over it and have no feelings about it whatsoever. i guess he has probably felt this way for a while as I'm sure my ex did as well.
KatZee Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 If there's one thing that's really helped me move on, is that you really can't have the mentality that this happened TO you. You had a hand in some of this and what happened was a collective result of things that have gone on over the course of months or longer. It really does suck that a relationship in which you thought you'd be in for the rest of your life is now gone. I went through this exact same thing a little over 4 months ago. An almost three year relationship. Just done. Gone. It feels like the carpet is just ripped out from under your feet. It does sound like in this case, she changed. And if there's something else I learned after being dumped by my ex, is that people change. Feelings don't always remain the same. Humans are fickle by nature. A lot of people have that GIGS mentality (Grass is Greener Syndrome) where they are looking for the next best thing. It does suck even more that you guys were living together but the sooner you get your stuff and get out of there is the sooner you'll start processing the reality of what's going on. You don't have to worry about how she'll pay for rent, or food, or utilities. I'm sure she's thought all about this before pulling the trigger on this breakup. Maybe she'll wind up moving out herself. In any case, she needs to be alone to realize if she misses you or not. Go to the apartment, get your stuff, and get out of there. If she doesn't want to be with you, then grant her wish. Leave her completely alone. Just go completely off the charts. Don't try to talk to her, or text her, or try to have conversations. That behavior is going to push her entirely away. There is a lot of truth to what they say about dumpers in this forum. That at the time of breakup, the main feeling they have is RELIEF. If you push and prod, you will turn that into anger. You don't want that. You want that relief to eventually fade, and then for her reality to set in. You're gone. NC all the way. 1
Chi townD Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Dude, red flags all over the place. There's another dude in the picture. Probably someone at the gym. I mean, you don't go out with a "girlfriend" and spend the night away without a courtsey call. You called her several times that night without an answer. Why? Because she wasn't going to talk to you while she with another guy. You probably end your conversations with "I love you." She didn't want to have to say "I love you, too." in front of another guy. She comes strolling in 24 hours later without any explaination. She probably couldn't even look you in the eye. Sorry, to break it to you. But, the red flags are there.
Author PennGuy Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 I just got of the phone with a friend of mine who called to see how I was and he mentioned that 4 or 5 months back my friend and I were hanging out and my girlfriend was in my buddy's house talking to his wife. His wife asked my girlfriend about the prospect of marriage and if we have gone looking for rings yet. My girlfriend replied that she didn't think it was going there and then she asked my friend's wife if they fought and if there were times they didn't get along. The wife said of course they fight. My girlfriend said that there's times WE can't stand each other for weeks, which maybe was true for her but not for me. My buddy, my mother, and myself both agree that this been in her head for a while now and she finally managed to talk herself into it. I don't know why she waited so long. Maybe she didn't want to give up and give stuff a chance to right itself, but it never did. I've been to this rodeo before, but this time is different with living together for so long, sharing expenses, getting close with each others friends and family....I got attached to her dog...I liked our little apartment we had. She decorated it so nice all on a small budget and now there's nothing there for me but my stuff, my ex, her dog, and a train car full of memories and times gone by.
Author PennGuy Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Dude, red flags all over the place. There's another dude in the picture. Probably someone at the gym. I mean, you don't go out with a "girlfriend" and spend the night away without a courtsey call. You called her several times that night without an answer. Why? Because she wasn't going to talk to you while she with another guy. You probably end your conversations with "I love you." She didn't want to have to say "I love you, too." in front of another guy. She comes strolling in 24 hours later without any explaination. She probably couldn't even look you in the eye. Sorry, to break it to you. But, the red flags are there. She looked me in the eye and said that she didn't cheat and there isn't someone else, she just doesn't love me like she used to. This has been an ongoing thing and she never really went out, never had any shady behavior, never hid her phone...or facebook. I just really think she grew apart from me plain as day. Now other people think there's someone else in the picture, but they don't know her like I do and I'm 90 percent sure that isn't the case. Her facebook relationship status hasn't changed....all of the pictures of us are still up at the apartment as of yesterday including beside the bed. I just know I can't fall into self-loathing and what-ifs. I also can't hold out hope that she is going to miss me realize her mistake and take me back. I gotta treat it like it is. Over.
Chi townD Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 She looked me in the eye and said that she didn't cheat and there isn't someone else, she just doesn't love me like she used to. This has been an ongoing thing and she never really went out, never had any shady behavior, never hid her phone...or facebook. I just really think she grew apart from me plain as day. Now other people think there's someone else in the picture, but they don't know her like I do and I'm 90 percent sure that isn't the case. Her facebook relationship status hasn't changed....all of the pictures of us are still up at the apartment as of yesterday including beside the bed. I just know I can't fall into self-loathing and what-ifs. I also can't hold out hope that she is going to miss me realize her mistake and take me back. I gotta treat it like it is. Over. Okay dude. But, I still have a gut feeling. I hope I'm wrong, but I've seen the signs before. Just be prepared to hear her say in the future, " He isn't the reason why we broke up."
LostOne1 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I know what your going through.. same here 3 yrs the week of our anniversary she breaks up. I thought there was a guy to she later said it, then took it back. She might have said it to push me away further or hurt me. All I can say from talking to my ex a week ago trying to figure out what went wrong. She said her feelings changed and she felt stuck and miserable slowly. But she held on and I guess she didn't know how to let go early on... and finally some how managed to pull it off. At first I could tell she was confused she wasn't sure if it was right or not. But as more time went along she justified it more and more to a point where she sits firm on her decision now and nothing I can do will change it at this point. All I can say is something must have bottled up in her and she finally let it out. For me I feel horrible, because she felt stuck only because of my actions. The guy she met wasn't me anymore.. I changed to something worse. And sadly after the breakup I became that same guy after 1+ months of analzying the problem and myself. I realized I messed up big time and pushed her to do this... It's tough to live with... but not much else either of us can do now. If someone says they don't love us the same way, we can't force them to feel something. We can either hope they can feel it again on their own terms, or hope a small action we do pushes them into that direction for them to realize on their own.
Author PennGuy Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 Felt pretty good yesterday. Had a good night at work. Laughed. Focused on what I needed to accomplish at work...only talked about her once at the end of the night to someone I confide in at the workplace. I had lunch with a friend and got a lot of feelings out in the open, and talked about things other than her. I had to stop by the apartment while she was at work to grab my mail, and all the pictures of us were still up. I couldn't believe it. For someone who straight out came home and dumped me in five minutes, I expected her to be relieved and all the pictures of us to be taken down. I kinda laughed to myself. Don't know why they are still up. Has she just not got around to taking them down or does she not want to accept the finality of the situation? She also is not sleeping in our bed. One of my best friends finds the pictures and her sleeping on the couch very weird. This morning I am anxious. Now that I am back at my parents there is nothing to do..no housework, no dog to take out, no grocery shopping to do. I haven't had any contact with her since Monday when I stopped at the apartment to get some clothes and she was already supposed to be working but was running late. My friends and parents told me not to rush in to finding my own place and getting my stuff out right away. They told me to hang out for a little bit and see what happens. On a positive note, I was asked to be a last minute replacement in my sister's wedding party. She said there's gonna be lots of good looking single girls there which made me chuckle. My friends and family have been amazing through this and when one of them calls to see how I am doing, I almost want to cry because I am so touched that so many people are taking the time to see how I am and if I need anything.
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