lnn7 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I’d like to tell the story of my break up because I’m desperately yearning to share it to someone. It’s unbearable because I don’t want to share it with anyone I actually know because either they aren’t close enough to me or that they are mutual friends of ours that I don’t want to burden them with details. I generally consider myself a strong person emotionally, but this pain and heartaches is getting the best of me deep down inside. Our story began about over 12 years ago. We were both high school students then, she 2 years younger than I. At that time the internet was mostly AOL and I found her name in a chatroom while teaching my little brother how to use the internet including chatting on AOL. We made conversation then we got to know each other through online at first. I learn about her family and she was in situation similar to mine. We both come from poor immigrant family. Her dad, an abusive drunk that gave her mom much trouble and made her cry many nights. Sometimes we would chat through the whole night until school start. More and more as I learn her personality and her pain, it made me wanted to be her knight in shining armor in my own way. So our first meeting took place a few months after we chatted online at a bowling alley while she was bowling for a fundraiser. It was winter time and knowing she takes the bus to school each morning I thought giving her a pair of winter gloves as gift for our first meeting made sense. Being a proper and shy Asian girl she refused the gift because after all we barely knew each other then. Feelings were hurt but amend were made to understand each other so no was harm done. Another month or so we finally got the chance to meet for a second time. Her elder sister drove us to a restaurant to help us get to know each other. As they picked me up, I also brought my little 3 years old sister at the time so that it would feel less awkward . After dinner on the way back we both sat in the back of her sister’s car while I was holding my little sister on my lap. As the car got closer to my house, I reach my hand over discretely behind my little sister as if to ask if the girl I’m falling in love if she with would like me to hold her hand while we try to hide it from her older sister. It was a nerve racking move because that was my way of telling her how much I like her and how she react could possibly shatter my hope. It was one of those moments where you felt like time stood still as your heart throb. She grasped my hand with hers with approval and held onto my hand and I can see the shy but also happy expression on her face as we held hand the rest of the short ride to my house. These are the kind of moment I suppose when we fall in love it stays with us forever for us to cherish. And so our relationship started. We had many special moments like that that neither of us will ever forget. Moments like when I found out she was sick in the middle of the night and I would joke that I wouldn’t mind driving 30 minutes to bring her fresh made lemonade to make her feel better. But instead of just joking, I would then tell her okay I just finished making it come outside her house in 30mins to get it. By the time I got to her house, she would be so scare of her parents because Vietnamese girls aren’t allow to have a boyfriend at the age of 17 that she wouldn’t dare come outside of the house to take the lemonade so instead I have to pass it over the fence of her little apartment. I thought to myself at the time “man I can’t even see her face” but she told me she was thankful and touched and that made me thought the 1 hour roundtrip in the middle of the night to deliver the lemonade was well worth it. And so our story continued. We’re both from the bay area CA. After high school she went to UCLA for school while I stupidly forgone attending UC Davis to get my degree. Instead I stay home and help my family survive with our family business because my step-father, an immigrant with no English couldn’t do his landscaping business without my help. And so, understanding at the age of 18 that my future wasn’t going to be very bright compare to a girl who’s heading to UCLA with aspiration to become a doctor is probably not gonna work out I decided it was best for us to break up when she goes down to LA so that she can meet someone there who will undoubtedly be better than myself. Being the sweet soul that she is, she cried and cried and refuses to accept our breakup. But I relent for as long as I can as she move down there, thinking if I ignore her we’ll both forget about each other and move on while she’s far away. And so, after several months she still wouldn’t give up despite there were many guys chasing her and so I gave in. Back together we were, boyfriend and girlfriend for the next 4 years as she was in UCLA with a long distance relationship while I labor my way through life to help my family at the same time trying to take night classes to work toward my BS degree. I would drive make the 5 hour drive down to UCLA to see her every chance I get, sometimes every other weekend. We spent every moment possible together that we could afford timewise and moneywise. Countless camping trips together with her and her family, parties, road trips. After UCLA, she spent another 4 years in Boston for optometry school. And again, our long distance relationship continue and our feelings increase and dip like most relationship, but mostly increase more than dip. As she near her optometry school graduation and our talk of spending our life together-it once again made me realize how terrible my situation is. By this time I’ve just recently became estranged with my step-father and no longer wanted to work with him. I have bad credit, no real job, just finishing up my bachelor degree finally and so I once again got cold feet and felt depress that I can’t possibly have a real future with this girl who is amazingly sweet, understanding, about to an a great career while I have nothing to show for. And so, once again before her optometry graduation, I proposed to her to go our separate way and once again, she’s just as adamant in her refusal to break up. And so, she finished her optometry degree and another year pass of our relationship as she moved to San Diego to do her 1 year residency program. Finally, she was done this summer and moved back home. For my part I also finished my bachelor degree in Mathematics. Now to present time, it’s been 2 months since she has move back with her family and also 2 months since I’ve finish my degree. Our plan was to move wherever she find her optometry position and live together. As it turn out, she was offer a full time position at Bakersfield California but she changed her mind and decided she wanted to move back home to find work knowing her possibility of finding full time work as an optometrist in the bay area is not very likely. And so she moves back home to her family’s already crowded house and found part time work, barely 2days worth of optometry practice work each week. As for myself, I’m getting hopelessly depress at my prospect of finding decent work as well. And so, once again not being able to even support myself at this time and being frustrated at both our current living situation I started to get more and more depress and worst off I felt like I wasn’t getting the support and understanding from the girl I’ve stood by for the last 12 years anymore. I gave her everything I could, supported her through thick and thin, love her with every ounce of my soul, never had any thought of being unfaithful to her, done everything I possibly could for her and her family. And so finally, even as I felt the need to break up with her because of my own failure to provide her with a decent future prospect I just wanted to her to show me that she understand and support me while I’m feeling down for once so that even when we’re breaking up at least it’ll make me feel like all the love I gave her, all the dreams we had together, all the time we spent together was a beautiful and worthwhile thing. That we love each other in spite of the fact that we have to go our separate way. But as we talk about breaking up, she tells me she also wanted to break up because she also don’t see a future with me. I then asked her why did she say that, she said because she couldn’t see a future for us since I was feeling this way and that she doesn’t have the passion to love me like before. The moment I hear that I just feel like the worst thing I fear is coming true, that she stop loving me because she couldn’t be happy having a future with me and so our break up makes our time together meaningless. It made me feel like she sold out our innocent love for each other because of the prospect of my bad future. And here I am thinking I’m truly ready to make the sacrifice of leaving her so that I won’t drag her future down with me while keeping our love true to each other and the time we had together that it was meaning and we still had it up to our last moment together. So then we decided to break up, but being so close to her and her family I was still hanging out with her at her house for a week after we broke up though not quite definitely broken up. Then just a few days ago as I was at her house we were watching a movie in the living room and one of her 3 younger brother, who’s been going on a power trip lately in front of her whole family told me I have to leave the house by 10:30. He’s one of her 3 younger brothers and I’ve always treated them like my own little brothers. I’ve known her family and became so close to them over the years that they were like my own family. It wasn’t like I was just some guy that came over to visit. I’ve slept over at her house many many times over the years of our relationship when she comes home. But for some reason, this little brother of hers have been mad at everyone in her house lately and very disrespectful but I know it was not my house and I have no business to knock some sense into him. So I looked at my girlfriend who sat there quietly as her little brother just basically kick me out of the house for reasons I honestly don’t know why but I’ve been sensing the same hostility from him the past few weeks. For all that time in our relationship, I never could muster the will to be angry or hate her for anything. Not because she never does anything wrong, but it’s just that I’ve always love her so much whatever she might have done to make me mad to me it just wasn’t worth getting mad over. But this time, I couldn’t believe that she was just sitting there like nothing just happen. So I got up took my stuff and leave while her other little brother told me don’t listen to his older brother by a year that just told me to get out of the house. As I was getting my stuff to leave my g/f still didn’t say anything to me while her other brother at least know that it wasn’t right and told me to ignore it. So then as I left I ask her outside for a talk and I told her how I felt recently. That she was being very unsupportive of me, that I know our time has to end now but why does her love have to fade just because I’m going through a very difficult time. That does she only love me when I’m able to be there for her but when I do finally need some understanding from her that she turns her back on me. I wasn’t mad at her brother for what he did, but how could she let her little brother treat me that way when I’m her boyfriend for over 12 years , it made me question that our relationship isn’t even strong enough for her to stand up for me? I have 3 little brothers too and I told her if they were ever that disrespectful to her I would have given them a beating and kick them out of the house. All these times you think you have a strong relationship with the perfect girl and that you would jump in a fire to protect if you have to then something like this happen and it makes you feel like she’s treating you like dirt when you’re in time of need the most. As a man, I never thought I would cry so easily, but every time now when I think of her, see things that remind me of her, any kind of little emotion that bring me back to her it makes me tear up and it tears me up inside. I don’t even know what to feel about this. I’m a 30 year old man breaking up for the first time with a first love and this pain is just unbearable. I guess I’ve always expected this day to come but just such an unimaginable twist and it makes me feel so pitiful. I don’t know whether I should just cherish my experience with her, be mad at the way she feels at the end, blame myself for thinking there could ever be a good decent breakup or feel stupid for believing her that we would have a future together. It confuses me more because she keeps crying and telling she truly love me and carefor me, then she tell but she doesn’t feel like she loves me with the same passion since she move back home. I understand everyone’s breakup experience is a painful one and that I’m going through all the things that everyone goes through for the most part as they break up, but I really don’t know how I can get through this. I invested so much emotion in our relationship and hope that even if I had to end our relationship with her that it’d be for a good reason but now I feel so betrayed and it sucks because I’ve always wanted to cherish the person that she is, the love she’s given me, and time we stood by each other. I just feel so lost and lonely at the moment. Not to mention such a failure in life. My only solace so far is that her two other little brothers after seeing what happened have told me I’m like a brother to them. One of them text me “I’ve always looked up to you as an older brother, nothing less, ever. You’ve done so much for my family yet no one gives you enough credit. I’ve learned so much from you since I was a damn baby…it ****ing saddens me to see you go through so much pain and whatever life throws at you.” I guess regardless of how we ended, it was gonna end anyway, just that what she told me she felt at the end is making me a little bitter in my sorrow and that her own little brothers appreciate me more than she does. I thank you if you took the time to read all of my ranting, I just feel so desperate right now trying to bottom everything up to myself. I can really use a drink and an ear but I know I just have too much pride to do that with someone I know.
Chi townD Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Okay, here's a couple of 2x4s for you. You screwed this up like a soup sandwich! The girl wanted you but everytime crap got hard or your self esteem got in the way. You tried to pick up stakes and leave! Thinking that you weren't good enough. That she was going away for school and she would probably want someone else; so lets end it. You know, you tried to break up with this girl 3 or 4 times...sooner or later, she was bound to take you seriously. And what did you think you did to HER self esteem? You've tried to break uo with her a bunch of times. What do you think was going through her head? Did you really love her or were you just cooling your heels with her? What was she supposed to think? So, you think life dealt you a raw hand. SO WHAT!!! You can change that! Instead, you want to throw in the towel when sh*t gets tough. Okay, so you didn't go to UC Davis like you planned. Big deal! But, you DID go to college and got a GOOD QUALITY EDUCATION from and institute of higher learning. So, you got a Bachelor's in Math. What now? What are your goals? What do you want to do with it? A BS in Math doesn't open a lot of doors for you...so, what about Grad school? How about a masters in it. Get your teaching certificate and teach it! Teachers make a decent living and it's a honorable career. Or get your PhD and work at a think tank somewhere! Point is, if you never thought you were good enough for her. YOU have the power to change that! If my post was a little harsh. Then, I apologize. But, I think that you threw away something that was good. Someone that loved and cared about YOU and not what you did in life. Is that stuff important to a woman. Yes, absolutely. But, do you REALLY want to know what is the MOST important thing for a woman is? To have a man love them. Make them smile. Be that shoulder to cry on. Be that rock that they need to lean on. A man that will listen to them when they need to talk. Someone to make them laugh. Someone to make them feel special. For someone to tell them their beautiful when they don't particulary feel beautiful. Now, I don't know you. You may have been doing all of that stuff, but you let the other bullsh*t get in the way. All it takes is one "Oh sh*t" to erase 100 attaboys.
Author lnn7 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Okay, here's a couple of 2x4s for you. You screwed this up like a soup sandwich! The girl wanted you but everytime crap got hard or your self esteem got in the way. You tried to pick up stakes and leave! Thinking that you weren't good enough. That she was going away for school and she would probably want someone else; so lets end it. You know, you tried to break up with this girl 3 or 4 times...sooner or later, she was bound to take you seriously. And what did you think you did to HER self esteem? You've tried to break uo with her a bunch of times. What do you think was going through her head? Did you really love her or were you just cooling your heels with her? What was she supposed to think? So, you think life dealt you a raw hand. SO WHAT!!! You can change that! Instead, you want to throw in the towel when sh*t gets tough. Okay, so you didn't go to UC Davis like you planned. Big deal! But, you DID go to college and got a GOOD QUALITY EDUCATION from and institute of higher learning. So, you got a Bachelor's in Math. What now? What are your goals? What do you want to do with it? A BS in Math doesn't open a lot of doors for you...so, what about Grad school? How about a masters in it. Get your teaching certificate and teach it! Teachers make a decent living and it's a honorable career. Or get your PhD and work at a think tank somewhere! Point is, if you never thought you were good enough for her. YOU have the power to change that! If my post was a little harsh. Then, I apologize. But, I think that you threw away something that was good. Someone that loved and cared about YOU and not what you did in life. Is that stuff important to a woman. Yes, absolutely. But, do you REALLY want to know what is the MOST important thing for a woman is? To have a man love them. Make them smile. Be that shoulder to cry on. Be that rock that they need to lean on. A man that will listen to them when they need to talk. Someone to make them laugh. Someone to make them feel special. For someone to tell them their beautiful when they don't particulary feel beautiful. Now, I don't know you. You may have been doing all of that stuff, but you let the other bullsh*t get in the way. All it takes is one "Oh sh*t" to erase 100 attaboys. Not at all, I appreciate your time and opinion. We both truly did love and care about each other deeply. We were pretty close to being everything we can to each other as we can. I know the decisions i made was driving her away and made her feel vulnerable each time but it wasn't something easy for me to swallow either. Sometimes I almost wish we were able to break up the first time even though I would have lost all the good times I had with her because it feels like we were just avoiding inevitable and it just keep getting exponentially harder as time goes on. I know my own confidence is to blame. Maybe this is better for her, easier for her to move on when her feelings are wavered. It's just so hard missing and thinking of someone when you think the other person isn't thinking back and feeling the same way about you. It makes it truly lonely.
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