Maffers77 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Just some advise really - as this maybe obvious to people looking from the outside. I have been in a relationship for over 9 months. We are both very much in love, do everything together, but do things alone/with friends too. I have made minor changes to how I am, I'm a lot more caring with her than anyone I have ever been involved in. I have children from a previous and she also great about that. Very soon we plan to live together. The only issue of course is sex. I never like to compare, but in most relationships the first six months seems to be non stop. But with her, she seems very uninterested and it almost seems when we have done it, its more or less just for duty, which is not how I want it to be. I have talked openly and asked if anything is wrong, which she says she just doesn't always fancy it. We mentioned the honeymoon period and she blamed having the children there, but they are not with us all the time. We have had holidays together and this did increase her sex drive and she seemed a lot more open to talk. We also nearly broke up half way through the last 9 months, but realised we couldn't be without each other, which resulted in the best sex we had had together. So I know she has it in her (for want of a better phrase). Just lately its more a case of her laying back whilst I get on with it. 70% of the time she is able to climax, so its not a selfish thing on my part - but I do sometimes get the impression she might be disgusted by me. Not to sound vein, we are both attractive (well not ugly/overweight) people, keen on fitness and both work. Generally we have a good life - although she does have hang ups about her weight (for no good reason, as blokes compliment her all the time and she has never been short of date offers). I always compliment her and I don't try to make sex an issue by mentioning it all the time. She says without prompting that she loves our sex. We have also talked about past relationships and there seems to be no jealousy - but I have to say she talks fondly of some of her ex's and it sounds like sex was higher on the agenda with them than it is with me. In fact she commented that her last relationship was all about that - which is hurtful, but at least honest. She sends me texts all through the day and generally they are very loving and I know she is not at it elsewhere. She tells me she loves me a lot when we are together and we cuddle up all the time. In addition to this, we plan to have a baby and she has stopped taking the pill, but I wouldn't say this has changed anything either way. Other than to suggest she is keen to cement this relationship. To me it seems like the relationship is not too bad apart from this one item, which I find important. The only thing we do not have in common is that she is more into fashion and a bit more materialistic about where we go than I would be, although we both enjoy our nights in together. Anyone else going through something similar? Am I missing something here?
standtall Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Well maffers, knowing your ages would really help with this one. Post menopausal women are not known for their high libidos, but I can tell you this...if you're already having sex enthusiasm and frequency issues right off the bat, then this relationship is a dead end...it will get nothing but worse...in 2 yrs you will be writing that you have had sex 2 times in 6 months. The rest.. compatibility, love, yada yada yada..mean nothing if you don't have the glue...intimacy...to hold it together. Without it, then you have nothing but an expensive room mate. 1
todreaminblue Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 you say you think she is disgusted by you but she she has told you that she loves the sex that you have together she is loving towards you and texts you to say as such...i dont know where you get the disgusted bit.Kids can put a dampener on relationship intimacy.....there are ways around it....i had an active sex life with my ex ........i have five kids.......so umm yep was active......i wouldnt necessarily bring it up with a future partner in a fond manner though as i know with men it is a touchy subject(nor would i want to talk about it fondly with someone i was committed too ).I was in a ldr with my ex for a while when we did get together it was intense.....if i go into a new relationship and it was committed...i would be just as intense.....because that intensity comes from me...the ex doesnt figure into the equation.....you should talk to your girlfriend about not discussing with you, sex with her ex.....you would probably feel a lot more secure.... talk to her about your concerns that you have be honest.....and i hope the best for you....deb
Author Maffers77 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Thanks for replies... Standtall - I'm 35 she is 31. I know there is no such thing as normal - but this part doesn't feel right. Perhaps I'm kidding myself that that good things in the relationship are just as important. I think your expensive room mate is a good comment - I kind of feel like a brother/father figure at times, if that makes sense. Generally always had compliments about looks / sex performance etc (this makes me sound a bit insecure, but I'm not) and the good parts of the relationship are not ones that I have had with previous girlfriends. Take the point that I'll have to talk about it.. but was hoping there was some stand out issue that others might be able to see that I can't
veryhappy Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 It will never get better. If you are not ready to wrap your little friend and put it away in storage, understand your relationship has no sexual future that will make you happy or happier than you are now.
Solcita2 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I have to confess that I'm a little surprise to know that you're already looking for a child when such a big red flag is in front of you. Sex is not the most important thing but it is important, and without it, the relationship might be doom... I would try to improve that before giving any step... don't have child if you're not sure of the future with her... 2
veggirl Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Why are you guys trying to have a baby when you aren't even married or living together? Esp when you already have children and you have a HUGE issue in your relationship. It sounds like she is just not a sexual person. You're right the first few months are usually the most sexual. It's not going to get better, if anything a baby and marriage will probably make her even less horny. Can you accept that she is just never going to want sex as much as you? A lifetime is a long time to live with sexual dysfunction in the relationship.... 1
pteromom Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 She has a MUCH lower sex drive than you do. It is possible she enjoys sex when it happens, but doesn't have a NEED for it, or prioritize it. This is not going to change. This is who she is. I would NOT try to get her pregnant right now!!! You guys need to be using bulletproof protection! And what you need to ask yourself is this: If this is who she is, and this sex life would be your sex life for the rest of your life, would you be ok with that? If not, you need to keep talking to her until you understand what she feels about it completely, then decide if it is worth working on or not. BUT NOT WITH A BABY!
Author Maffers77 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 It goes without saying that the baby thing is a bad idea and I probably wasn't clear on this as I agree this is not the right time. All interesting posts and having talked to her about it, she falls into the bracket pteromom mentions. Whilst she does enjoy it and is attracted to me, she values our relationship as being more than just sex. She was of course very upset that I brought this up as now she thinks that is all I am interested in. So now I have to think about how I progress from here. Thanks for all the sensible answers, appreciated.
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