Not sure how to proceed with girl...

[GSP21]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the boards and I just have a situation right now I'd like advice on. Basically, I'm 20, in University and have had exactly only one girlfriend previously (in high school). During this particular school year, I began to mentor first-year international Chinese students (I was born in China - immigrated to Canada at age 4 and speak fluent mandarin). I met a girl (let's call her Catherine), also a mentor and the same age as me about a month ago, but unlike me, she's an international student that came here two years ago. I was extremely surprised to find out that we were from the same hometown and that she went to the same primary school, middle school and high school as a couple of my cousins. In fact, her house in China is about a five-minute walk from my grandfather's house - where I stay during each visit back. So we began talking to each other and there was an instant connection - we both extremely enjoyed each other's company.

 

After about a week, she lamented about how poor her English is (it's actually amazing for a 2-year international student), so I offered my services as a tutor in exchange for her tutoring me Chinese (I'm good at speaking but suck at reading/writing). Not going to lie, I agreed to this probably 50% because I really wanted to help her, and 50% because I wanted to get closer to her. So basically, for the last little while, I've been seeing her 4-5 times a week involving things like English/Chinese tutoring, general studying in the library (I know - so Asian ), and hanging out. She's been over to my house once and we've had dinner, with two other friends, once.

 

So basically, a couple of days ago after the dinner, she invited me over to her apartment to drink - this was her FIRST time getting drunk according to her, so I pretty much knew something was going to go down. Basically, I got a little tipsy and she got pretty hammered (despite not really drinking all that much). While drunk, she started to embrace me, hold my hand and we shared past relationship stories. I found out that she's only had one boyfriend before, about a year ago and according to her, it was a really bad relationship that hurt her emotionally. Keep in mind that there are two other people in the room at this time (a guy and a girl). Afterwards, at around 2am, I was about to leave and she offered to walk with me alone for a bit. We ended up walking for 2+ hours, holding hands the entire time and going to the lake.

 

At the lake, we started cuddling and I basically asked her how she really felt about me. She basically said that she's had a crush on me for a week or so now but that she's not looking for a relationship right now - partially because she doesn't know what she's really looking for and partially because the one relationship she did have was absolutely terrible. I told her that I respected her decision and that we'd figure things out later. Fast forward two days and I'm tutoring her/she's tutoring me. I impulsively and stupidly flirt with her quite a bit and she seems to enjoy it, we even hold hands for several minutes before she says "I'm not interested", although unconvincingly later. I apologize by text when I get home and we're cool.

 

Basically, I want to know what my options are right now. On the one hand, I really like this girl, probably more than any girl I've met. But on the other hand, I hate it when girls are indecisive and wishy-washy. Two years ago, I had nearly the same situation with a different girl (though our connection wasn't quite as close) who told me that she didn't want a relationship at the moment even though she liked me. This ended up dragging on for a year and eventually I got frustrated and told her I was going to move on.

 

Some Other Details:

- A lot of other guys like her and some have asked her out in the past year- she rejected them all.

- All the guys were Chinese international students, and most of her friends are international students so there is a bit of a cultural barrier (I consider myself fairly Asian but still 10x more whitewashed than her - I love hockey for one). The cultural barrier doesn't seem to affect us THAT much but she still teases me about being a "banana" and calls me "different" sometimes. My only previous girlfriend was also white so she's the first Chinese girl I've ever dated.

- Judging from her facebook posts about relationships, she likes to be very patient and picky with guys. She also is very serious about them - no playing around, looking for a guy she would like to marry.

- I know it seems like I'm a bit of a pussy for going so slow and being a white knight but the dating culture in China is a little different than Western dating - usually more slow in pace and less sexual.

 

Your help is much appreciated loveshack, thank you! Feel free to flame/give advice.

 

Cliffs

- Met a girl I like who is a Chinese international student - I'm a Chinese immigrant who left the country at age 4 for Canada.

- See girl several times a week; I tutor her English, she tutors me Chinese.

- Began hanging out: had dinner with friends and went over to her apartment later.

- She got drunk for the first time in her life, we began hugging, holding hands, talking about past relationships.

- We walked down to the lake from 2am - 4am and she told me she had a crush on me but didn't want a relationship because she had a really bad one a year ago.

- Flirted with her 2 days later and she sort of liked it but asked me to stop eventually. I apologized via text later and we're cool.

Edited October 16, 2012 by GSP21

[Emissary]

She may say she doesn't want a relationship right now, and while it might be true, the fact remains that she initiated a relationship with you. This isn't just flirting around, she actually told you how much she likes you. I think she owes you some clarification, I would try to ask her how she really feels about the both of you, if she just needs time or if you're never going to be together. Basically, you need to know if she's taking this seriously or not.

 

It's not the easiest question to ask, and it wouldn't be easy for her to answer. But if she can't commit to even a casual relationship or at least admit there's something real going on eventually, then you should give her some space. She needs to realize that she can't just do that to a guy, she needs to realize that your relationship failed because of her own personal shortcomings. Maybe then she will grow up and stop pissing all over guys she likes.

[todreaminblue]

i agree with the poster above not about the pissing all over guys part but about the part where you just talk to her and find out where you stand as you said she doesnt seem to play games then she should be honest with you.....good luck.....deb

[GSP21]

She may say she doesn't want a relationship right now, and while it might be true, the fact remains that she initiated a relationship with you. This isn't just flirting around, she actually told you how much she likes you. I think she owes you some clarification, I would try to ask her how she really feels about the both of you, if she just needs time or if you're never going to be together. Basically, you need to know if she's taking this seriously or not.

 

It's not the easiest question to ask, and it wouldn't be easy for her to answer. But if she can't commit to even a casual relationship or at least admit there's something real going on eventually, then you should give her some space. She needs to realize that she can't just do that to a guy, she needs to realize that your relationship failed because of her own personal shortcomings. Maybe then she will grow up and stop pissing all over guys she likes.

 

Thanks for the advice. I actually DID ask her how she really felt about me that night, I guess I just didn't mention it in detail. She basically said she has a "crush" on me and thinks I am a really nice and honest guy. She also said that she is really happy when she talks to me and such. But she said she just has commitment issues right now and asked if I was disappointed.

 

I think I will ask her soon about if she thinks we will ever be together but how do I do it? Just bluntly or should a set up a date-like type of meeting?

[whydamnitwhy]

Thanks for the advice. I actually DID ask her how she really felt about me that night, I guess I just didn't mention it in detail. She basically said she has a "crush" on me and thinks I am a really nice and honest guy. She also said that she is really happy when she talks to me and such. But she said she just has commitment issues right now and asked if I was disappointed.

 

I think I will ask her soon about if she thinks we will ever be together but how do I do it? Just bluntly or should a set up a date-like type of meeting?

 

Coming from a woman who often feels the same way this woman feels right now:

 

DO NOT ASK HER ABOUT HER FEELINGS. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT YOURS.

 

What she's probably thinking: if he has to ask me if we are in a relationship or will be in one then we aren't on the same page.

 

Give her space. Stop suffocating her. What turned her off is that you let your feelings be known to her - now she feels pressured to feel the same way about you, or to have a relationship with you when she just wants to take things slow and enjoy her time w/ you. If she wants to take things to the next level SHE will let you know, but do NOT let her know your feelings or badger her anymore about a possible relationship. I guarantee you, she will distance herself from you if you take these ppl's advice in here about asking her yet again about your intentions. She has already reacted badly to your feelings. You are doing too much and too soon.

 

Solution: Date other girls. Don't make yourself too available to her. Don't talk to her so much. Show that you can live without her, that you don't need her and are doing other things in your life, and dating other women. She will respond to this. She will be attracted to this.

 

Take MY advice. I know better than anyone here. Just trust me on this one.

[SJC2008]

Coming from a woman who often feels the same way this woman feels right now:

 

DO NOT ASK HER ABOUT HER FEELINGS. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT YOURS.

 

What she's probably thinking: if he has to ask me if we are in a relationship or will be in one then we aren't on the same page.

 

Give her space. Stop suffocating her. What turned her off is that you let your feelings be known to her - now she feels pressured to feel the same way about you, or to have a relationship with you when she just wants to take things slow and enjoy her time w/ you. If she wants to take things to the next level SHE will let you know, but do NOT let her know your feelings or badger her anymore about a possible relationship. I guarantee you, she will distance herself from you if you take these ppl's advice in here about asking her yet again about your intentions. She has already reacted badly to your feelings. You are doing too much and too soon.

 

Solution: Date other girls. Don't make yourself too available to her. Don't talk to her so much. Show that you can live without her, that you don't need her and are doing other things in your life, and dating other women. She will respond to this. She will be attracted to this.

 

Take MY advice. I know better than anyone here. Just trust me on this one.

 

What kind of twisted world do we live in to where you can't tell someone you like them and want to date them! Suffocating? Don't know whate he did to suffocate her.

 

Her answer sounds pretty genuine in that she followed up with substance and just didn't say she's not looking for an r. She said she was hurt and doesn't really know what she wants.

 

Take her for her word and move on. Regardless if she's telling the truth or not (I think she is) it's not looking good for you. It's better than being strung along/flaked on.

[whydamnitwhy]

What kind of twisted world do we live in to where you can't tell someone you like them and want to date them! Suffocating? Don't know whate he did to suffocate her.

 

Her answer sounds pretty genuine in that she followed up with substance and just didn't say she's not looking for an r. She said she was hurt and doesn't really know what she wants.

 

Take her for her word and move on. Regardless if she's telling the truth or not (I think she is) it's not looking good for you. It's better than being strung along/flaked on.

 

If a woman says that it means exactly that: she does not want a relationship. This kid is STILL trying to ask her if she wants him or has feelings for him. That doesn't matter. She doesn't want a relationship. YES, this is suffocating her. I've experienced this, i know exactly what she's feeling. She isn't THAT into him and he isn't doing himself or the situation any justice by steady bothering her about her "feelings". UGH. I'd run for the hills and I know she is too.

[GSP21]

Coming from a woman who often feels the same way this woman feels right now:

 

DO NOT ASK HER ABOUT HER FEELINGS. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT YOURS.

 

What she's probably thinking: if he has to ask me if we are in a relationship or will be in one then we aren't on the same page.

 

Give her space. Stop suffocating her. What turned her off is that you let your feelings be known to her - now she feels pressured to feel the same way about you, or to have a relationship with you when she just wants to take things slow and enjoy her time w/ you. If she wants to take things to the next level SHE will let you know, but do NOT let her know your feelings or badger her anymore about a possible relationship. I guarantee you, she will distance herself from you if you take these ppl's advice in here about asking her yet again about your intentions. She has already reacted badly to your feelings. You are doing too much and too soon.

 

Solution: Date other girls. Don't make yourself too available to her. Don't talk to her so much. Show that you can live without her, that you don't need her and are doing other things in your life, and dating other women. She will respond to this. She will be attracted to this.

 

Take MY advice. I know better than anyone here. Just trust me on this one.

 

Thank you for your input. Your advice is similar to what my cousin in China told me, albeit a bit more extreme. My cousin told me to stop contact with her for a bit and see how she reacts (but not to date other girls). Only 2 days in, and she already started texting me multiple times to help her with her Linguistics homework and how my day was going.

 

I haven't decided what I'm going to do long term though. Your advice pretty much directly contradicts the first poster's so I'm a little divided. Anyone else want to weigh in?

[GSP21]

What kind of twisted world do we live in to where you can't tell someone you like them and want to date them! Suffocating? Don't know whate he did to suffocate her.

 

Her answer sounds pretty genuine in that she followed up with substance and just didn't say she's not looking for an r. She said she was hurt and doesn't really know what she wants.

 

Take her for her word and move on. Regardless if she's telling the truth or not (I think she is) it's not looking good for you. It's better than being strung along/flaked on.

 

Thanks for your advice. Yeah, I agree that I don't think I did anything to suffocate her, she was the one who invited me over to get drunk. I'm thinking about just dropping the matter altogether if it stays the way the next little bit because I don't want a repeat of two years ago.