broken1983 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Firstly i would like to say i am still new in the relationship department. Just recently got into a relationship with a girl and this is what happen. Recently i just spoke to her about how she sometimes treat me like when i care for her needs. At times when im showering her with care and concern, she would just shrug me off with stuff like 'nothing', 'nvm', 'leave me alone'. A simple question to her like 'are you hungry?', 'have you eaten'' gets shrug off by her simply at times(i dont mean every time). At times when we are together, it seems that the phone is more impt than me. She always replies messages with her friends (some of which i know are guy friends that are interested in her). So one day i intend to tell her how i feel, and things gone out of hand. She says that i don't know how i feel about her most of the time, and asked me whether i have tried my best before going to her. The chat slowly evolved into her directing questions to me such as, she mention that all time i dont understand her feelings at all and she needs to tell me how she feel. She also say i can be rather clingy and wish that there is some alone time for her. I understand that i can be clingy at time as i told her and told her that since its been a while since i got into a relationiship and shes that she understand it all. She says that shes been in many relationship and is just tired of all this. She wants someone that knows how she feel rather than someone who is trying to know her(we are in this relationship for 3months), and she says that she is having doubts in this relationship. Some little chat went on and she somehow got pissed and just said that she since i said this, she would be less crude to me and be more subtle. I explained to her that the meaning of the chat was to let her know that i do feel pain when she does that too me. Also, i wanted her to know that the main reason of me telling her that is so that i know that those gestures at times might seem serious to me as i might feel that shes pissed with me. After that talk, our relationship has turn sour. We still meet up but she doesnt call me sweetheart, baby or darling anymore in our messages. When shes at my place, she just play with her phone(like always, she always tend to msg other ppl when shes with me). Tried to give her attention but gets ignored by her. Our sweet chat now have turned into formal chats. I still use sweet names on her and ask her how she is, what shes doing and stuff. But she just give me replies like, 'i am fine', 'i am okay' ,'ya' and simple replies to answer the question. Then at times, when im just pissed with her replies and stop msging her, she would ask me lil questions 'what you doing', then when i proceed to answer her question, she would then reply me with the simple replies and our conversation mostly ends with a strange vibe into the next day. I have asked her why the past few days she seem to be acting strange, and she said that its work. When i try to show her that i am there for her to share the stress from work, she just shrug me off with answers like 'its the usual', 'what else is new'. What are my options going forward in this relationship now. Each time that she replies me with cold answers, it always tears abit of my heart away. I want to ask her what is wrong with this relationship, but is afraid that she might be really stress with work and that she will say i am not understanding her feeling at all.I tried to play cool and dont send her anymore messages but at times when she send me messages, i always get torn by her responses. Thought about laying low for a week or so but feels that she might think that i am not showing her any care and concern at all.
gamman Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 This probably isn't what you want to hear, bit I might start preparing myself mentally for the end of this relationship One thing to learn from this, and I know you have good intentions, but being too "caring" sometimes is just as bad as being not caring at all. As guys, sometimes our "caring" comes across as being controlling, overbearing, talking down to, trying to find solutions for everything, or always trying to fix everything -- because, well, that's what it is. This annoys the piss out of women -- because, well, why wouldn't it? Don't do that crap. Women, people in general, need/want emotional support. They don't need/want all the crap above. They want someone who they can openly discuss they're feelings and emotions with about life and their stuff. Just listen. Be supportive. See if you can relate to any of her experiences and emotions and share them with her. Maybe share your similar situations and emotions if you've been through something similar. (And I mean real emotions - not just, "I had to toughen up and just deal with it.") Be there for her. That's it. We don't have to be Superman, and most women don't want us to be. So, look, with all that said, there's only one way to find out the answers to what has been driving you crazy, and that is to actually sit down with her and talk about all of this stuff. Good luck.
Author broken1983 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 hi gamman. Really appreciate the reply. I agree with you on this about being too 'caring'. But what if at times when she shares her problem with me, and i share my experiences and emotion to her, she just shrug me off at times? Or just simply replying me with a 'ok', 'i know its all about me'. This situation has been on for the past 3-4 days. Should i lay low for now and wait for maybe a week or 2 to sit down and talk with her or should i just pop the question now? She mention is work-related but i get the feeling its not work related.
gamman Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Yeah, I know what you're saying about getting shrugged off. I don't agree with how she is responding, but fine. I know you love her a lot, but in reality, this really might not be the right person for you.... This is obviously driving your crazy and horribly affecting your life. Do you really want to keep feeling crazy for 2 weeks? What about your needs? It seems fear is a very big part of this relationship for you and that's never a good thing. I think you already know the answer to your questions, but unfortunately, those answers are hard, painful, and scary....... Good luck.
Author broken1983 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 hi gamman. Yes the answer is already there. Its clear that we need to sit down and talk about any problems we have, and as you said i need to mentally prepare myself for the end of the relationship. I just hope that the talk is gonna settle all problem then to leave it dangling there in the air. I do wanna say thanks alot for your time in answering me and do trust me when i say i really appreciate it.
todreaminblue Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 hi gamman. Really appreciate the reply. I agree with you on this about being too 'caring'. But what if at times when she shares her problem with me, and i share my experiences and emotion to her, she just shrug me off at times? Or just simply replying me with a 'ok', 'i know its all about me'. This situation has been on for the past 3-4 days. Should i lay low for now and wait for maybe a week or 2 to sit down and talk with her or should i just pop the question now? She mention is work-related but i get the feeling its not work related. playing with the phone while you are talking is rude, shrugging you off is rude.I think you shouldnt wait on the talk with her.It isnt right that you feel bad and basically walk on eggshells while she is blase about your conversations.she is quite clear in coming out with what you arent doing right apparently......so i dont think you should hold back on how you want to be treated.....good luck and you do deserve to be shown at least ....respect..and honesty...deb
gamman Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) I wouldn't leave things dangling if its only going to cause you pain. It seems like this pattern of leaving things dangling has been going on in this relationship for a while. Look, you have a say in this relationship, too, and if it is unhealthy for you, and not meeting your needs, YOU can walk away -- you don't need to sit around in fear and misery and wait for her to end it. I know that might be hard, but it might be best, and what you need to do. Edited October 16, 2012 by gamman
Author broken1983 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Well deb, as what people always say. I might be just showing the side of my the story only to you guys and not be in her shoes to portray the whole story. After reading through whatever i can online, i have finally made the decision to just lay low first and just tend to my own needs and ideas before going to her. Going to give myself some productive alone time in the meanwhile and just temporarily put myself away from this relationship.
todreaminblue Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Well deb, as what people always say. I might be just showing the side of my the story only to you guys and not be in her shoes to portray the whole story. After reading through whatever i can online, i have finally made the decision to just lay low first and just tend to my own needs and ideas before going to her. Going to give myself some productive alone time in the meanwhile and just temporarily put myself away from this relationship. My advice was given on your side of the story as that is the only one posted......my teenage daughter does the same thing with her mobile phone and i tell her it is rude all the time and she is just a teen...its not very mature that is my opinion..avoiding issues causes the snowball effect snowballs grow with things unsaid to become bigger and harder to deal in the long run with no matter what the situation is or who is wrong or who is right it doesnt matter ...that snowball does not care it just grows........i wish you well with whatever you decide....good luck.....deb
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