My GF Broke Up w/ Me When Meeting My Parents

[lakerman34]

I'm 22 years old, she's 19. We met in March, and basically hit it off quickly (had sex only the 2nd time hanging out). The rest of the semester, she was ALWAYS in my dorm room, ALWAYS hanging out, ALWAYS willing to have fun, and things were wonderful.

 

Then, summer came, she went back to her home in LA, I'm from PA. We kept in contact and the bond stayed strong. She was much more visibly into me than I was her. One random night, she called me drunk and said she loved me, which I smiled and responded that I wasn't there yet.

 

Fast forward to when school starts (end of August). First 3 days back, I haven't even seen her yet. This is our first argument (as to why she's hanging out w/ friends and no time for me).

 

Then, she joined sorority life. I was excited for her. The sisters all seemed to like me. But, with work, class, sorority life, clubs, missing her family (they had to move suddenly, she has a mentally handicapped little brother, and her mom was in surgery for a procedure they couldn't afford), it seemed like I was getting no time or effort from her.

 

She seemed like she was working on it, but there were other issues. We had sex only once this semester, and after she told me she had problems with commitment. This shocked me, but a few weeks later she told me over froyo that she wanted to commit, but she wasn't ready yet.

 

She was TERRIBLE at showing up on time. Sometimes, I'd wait for her and she'd text me telling me she wasn't showing up. I tried to escalate once with her on my bed, and she told me she wanted to put a hold on sex b/c she felt our relationship was only based on sex. I was OK with this at the time.

 

I, honestly, grew needy, and I told her I loved her once night in a drunk hookup. She reciprocated.

 

We shared MANY intimate moments, and her friends always told me that I made her so happy and how I needed to just be patient.

 

Then, one night, I accused her of cheating. Because of no sex, and because she disappeared for 6 hours (no one, not even her sorority sisters or her roommate knew where she was), I asked and that was our biggest fight. She saw how I could think that and forgave me pretty quickly.

 

Then, I invited her to my house to meet my parents over fall break. She was OK w/ this, and I was excited. On the way to my house, she asked me how I was going to introduce her to my parents, I said as my gf. She didn't like that, and things spiraled down from there. We went to the park at my house, had a very emotional moment, both of us balled, I brought her back to school, gave her a big hug, and told her that we shouldn't talk for a while. She cried and held me, digging her head in my shoulder.

 

That was last Saturday (10/6). Now, I'm a mess. I tried NC but I leave in 2 months, and it would pretty much be a LDR until she graduates (in 2 yrs). Her best friend told me last Friday that I needed to go talk to her b/c we needed to patch things up and she still had feelings for me. Her best friend was drunk when she told me this, and I alerted her that she broke up w/ me and she needed to come talk to me. She told me that my ex was too proud to do such a thing.

 

NC isn't going so well. She seems like she's pissed at me saying that I'm avoiding her like the plague. I've sent a COUPLE of texts, and she waits a good 8-10 hours to respond. COMPLETELY driving me crazy. I also get drunk, go out to party, and talk too much (spoke to her sisters, and now they are avoiding me). She's out having fun, didn't even wish me a happy bday on my bday (my bday is 10/10, she waited til 10/11 to wish me a happy BELATED bday), and I don't know what to do.

 

I want her back. Now. Part of me wants to go talk to her because I know she's too proud to come talk to me and tell me it was a mistake (if her best friend really is being honest), but the other part wants to keep my own pride and self-respect.

 

I've gone to a haunted house with a girl last Friday, going to party at a friend of mine's college next weekend, and REALLY working hard at trying to surround myself with women.

 

This is the first girl I've ever truly loved, and I don't want to lose her.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[todreaminblue]

I'm 22 years old, she's 19. We met in March, and basically hit it off quickly (had sex only the 2nd time hanging out). The rest of the semester, she was ALWAYS in my dorm room, ALWAYS hanging out, ALWAYS willing to have fun, and things were wonderful.

 

Then, summer came, she went back to her home in LA, I'm from PA. We kept in contact and the bond stayed strong. She was much more visibly into me than I was her. One random night, she called me drunk and said she loved me, which I smiled and responded that I wasn't there yet.

 

Fast forward to when school starts (end of August). First 3 days back, I haven't even seen her yet. This is our first argument (as to why she's hanging out w/ friends and no time for me).

 

Then, she joined sorority life. I was excited for her. The sisters all seemed to like me. But, with work, class, sorority life, clubs, missing her family (they had to move suddenly, she has a mentally handicapped little brother, and her mom was in surgery for a procedure they couldn't afford), it seemed like I was getting no time or effort from her.

 

She seemed like she was working on it, but there were other issues. We had sex only once this semester, and after she told me she had problems with commitment. This shocked me, but a few weeks later she told me over froyo that she wanted to commit, but she wasn't ready yet.

 

She was TERRIBLE at showing up on time. Sometimes, I'd wait for her and she'd text me telling me she wasn't showing up. I tried to escalate once with her on my bed, and she told me she wanted to put a hold on sex b/c she felt our relationship was only based on sex. I was OK with this at the time.

 

I, honestly, grew needy, and I told her I loved her once night in a drunk hookup. She reciprocated.

 

We shared MANY intimate moments, and her friends always told me that I made her so happy and how I needed to just be patient.

 

Then, one night, I accused her of cheating. Because of no sex, and because she disappeared for 6 hours (no one, not even her sorority sisters or her roommate knew where she was), I asked and that was our biggest fight. She saw how I could think that and forgave me pretty quickly.

 

Then, I invited her to my house to meet my parents over fall break. She was OK w/ this, and I was excited. On the way to my house, she asked me how I was going to introduce her to my parents, I said as my gf. She didn't like that, and things spiraled down from there. We went to the park at my house, had a very emotional moment, both of us balled, I brought her back to school, gave her a big hug, and told her that we shouldn't talk for a while. She cried and held me, digging her head in my shoulder.

 

That was last Saturday (10/6). Now, I'm a mess. I tried NC but I leave in 2 months, and it would pretty much be a LDR until she graduates (in 2 yrs). Her best friend told me last Friday that I needed to go talk to her b/c we needed to patch things up and she still had feelings for me. Her best friend was drunk when she told me this, and I alerted her that she broke up w/ me and she needed to come talk to me. She told me that my ex was too proud to do such a thing.

 

NC isn't going so well. She seems like she's pissed at me saying that I'm avoiding her like the plague. I've sent a COUPLE of texts, and she waits a good 8-10 hours to respond. COMPLETELY driving me crazy. I also get drunk, go out to party, and talk too much (spoke to her sisters, and now they are avoiding me). She's out having fun, didn't even wish me a happy bday on my bday (my bday is 10/10, she waited til 10/11 to wish me a happy BELATED bday), and I don't know what to do.

 

I want her back. Now. Part of me wants to go talk to her because I know she's too proud to come talk to me and tell me it was a mistake (if her best friend really is being honest), but the other part wants to keep my own pride and self-respect.

 

I've gone to a haunted house with a girl last Friday, going to party at a friend of mine's college next weekend, and REALLY working hard at trying to surround myself with women.

 

This is the first girl I've ever truly loved, and I don't want to lose her.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

If it were me and I was told that the person i loved was too proud to make the first stand....I would go without hesitation if i knew it to be truth from th eperson who told me that....if you love someone you do it especially when you are told that is the way it is why you are apart....deb

[lakerman34]

If it were me and I was told that the person i loved was too proud to make the first stand....I would go without hesitation if i knew it to be truth from th eperson who told me that....if you love someone you do it especially when you are told that is the way it is why you are apart....deb

 

She was very drunk. IDK if I should believe her. And I'm afraid to ask her b/c I'll come off as 'needy.' IDK if she would go run to my ex and tell her that I'm inquiring about getting back together with her.

 

For all I know, she doesn't even remember the conversation, or wasn't even supposed to tell me.

 

I'm thinking about sending her the following text, please tell me if it's a bad idea or not, or if it should be changed:

 

F it, I'll be the one to swallow his pride. I think there are still a lot of unanswered questions, and we should meet privately to discuss them.

Edited October 16, 2012 by lakerman34

[lakerman34]

Honestly, its probably best you let this one go. I know that it really isn't what you want to hear, but with everything that has happened, and trying to have a LDR, it won't work. Also, with her saying that she loved you and you not returning the words, that would most likely be why she wanted to take a step back from sex.

 

Secondly: These statements don't match up.

 

 

The first statement gives credence that you broke up with her. The second you make the claim she broke up with you.

 

 

 

I agree. If she did break up with you, it is her responsibility to go to you. I've learned that the hard way. The dumpee is not the one to make contact about that. If she did love you she would make that step. Remain NC for the time being.

 

In the end, you'll see her for another 2 months, and likely that will be the last time you see her. Be ready for that.

 

She broke up with me. I told her we could work thru it, and she said she thinks it's best we end it.

 

ACTUALLY, key points to the story I left out -- some of her sorority sisters told me that they needed to hear from me what happened (they said they'd put in a good word), but then seemed like they were avoiding me the next day.

 

The next day (after saying 'I love you') she claims that she didn't remember saying it. When I told her I loved her (about 2 months later), she told me she loved me too.

 

And not a TRUE LDR. It'll be LDR (I'll be in South Africa, she in PA) for about 3 months, and then I'm going to go to school in Philly (about 2 hours away from her) and we'd graduate at the same time -- 2 extremely busy college students

 

There are a lot of people talking, and some misinformation out there. She heard that I was telling people she screwed me over. Not the case AT ALL. Should I arrange for one LAST meeting to see where we both stand? Of course, I'll follow the rules, no 'eager dog,' try and get her to do a lot of talking, stay cool and casual, and if she brings up getting back together (I will not), tell her that I need to think about it. Only physical contact is reciprocated physical contact from her. What do I have to lose? Good idea or bad?

Edited October 16, 2012 by lakerman34

[CC12]

I'm thinking about sending her the following text, please tell me if it's a bad idea or not, or if it should be changed:

 

F it, I'll be the one to swallow his pride. I think there are still a lot of unanswered questions, and we should meet privately to discuss them.

 

I don't think you should text her at all. But if you do, don't talk about swallowing your pride. And, really, there shouldn't be any unanswered questions because they don't matter any more. You guys broke up. That should have been the end of it. The only reason you think this isn't over yet is because you've got people talking in your ear and apparently gossiping about your breakup (which is weird, tell them to stop it.) Your ex hasn't been doing anything to give you hope for reconciliation. So no, I do not think you should arrange for one last meeting to see where you both stand. You two are broken up. That is where you both stand.

[CarrieT]

Time to move on. At your age, a LDR with both at Uni is really, REALLY hard; you are both going to be meeting new people.

 

There are already issues and it is best to let them go and be on your own.

[lakerman34]

Time to move on. At your age, a LDR with both at Uni is really, REALLY hard; you are both going to be meeting new people.

 

There are already issues and it is best to let them go and be on your own.

 

Really really hard, definitely, but I could rattle off 10 different ppl who are in Greek Life that have had 4 year relationships w/ guys/girls at another school that was even more than 2 hours away. Not impossible.

 

These 'issues' rattle down to 2 things: I acted too needy (she told friends that she wishes I was a little more douchy like I was last semester), and she cut out sex. Both of these are amendable.

 

I've decided I'm going to continue no contact. Today we were in the same elevator together, she didn't even look at me, I looked straight in her eyes a couple of times. When I got off the elevator, I yelled 'Bye (name).' I'm sure that rattled her a little bit.

 

More to the story -- probably should have included this originally. We HAVE been texting A LITTLE, but it was because she was pissed about me saying she 'f***ed me over.' I sent a text back saying how that was wrong, and it went back and forth like that, us both being sorta pissed at the other. This lasted over 4 days and, roughly, 10 texts total. Finally, today I realized she probably WANTS me to be pissed at her so she can be affirm why she dumped me, so I replied to her last text and AGREED with her and made a small joke about it. Kill her with kindness. That was at 11AM, it is 6:40PM and still no response (almost 8 hours). When I get that response (if I get it), I'm going to add 2 hours to the wait time and respond to it (i.e. she texts at 9PM, I'll text her at 5PM the next day, which includes 8 hours of sleep).

 

But no matter how negative and pissy she wants to be, I'll continue to be kind and agree with her, no matter how wrong she is.

 

See where that gets me.

Edited October 16, 2012 by lakerman34

[lakerman34]

EDIT: 11PM and no response. Don't think I'm getting one.

[Calico]

EDIT: 11PM and no response. Don't think I'm getting one.

 

You will get one. If not to this text, then to the next you'll send. You're obviously nowhere near the point where you're done with this and I'm afraid you'll make this worse for yourself before you consider walking away from it.

 

Also, you blame yourself way too much. You first had sex in March? You have been dating all this time, and then she objects that you introduce her as your girlfriend? You don't think this is a little strange? It's not like you wanted to tell your parents that she's your future wife. I would have walked away from this right then and there because if she can't muster this minimal expression of commitment, I'd question her loyalty and dedication. You are not "too needy" to expect a little bit more than a thread-thin, barebones type of pseudo-relationship.

 

Let me be frank with you, and sorry if it hurts: You have two months before you'll be gone for a quarter of a year. She's 19 and your relationship is over or at least heavily damaged right now, and it has been falling apart for a while. Even if you manage to patch this up in the next eight weeks, I do not believe it will have the strength or the substance to survive your stay in South Africa. I'd say it's likely that you'd return and she'd tell you that the absence has shown her that this isn't what she wants.

 

I may be wrong about this and I know it won't stop you from hoping and wishing and trying. But I wanted to put it on the table for your mind to chew on when you have a few moments of clarity.

 

Stay out of the bottle. Alcohol is a depressant.

[lakerman34]

You will get one. If not to this text, then to the next you'll send. You're obviously nowhere near the point where you're done with this and I'm afraid you'll make this worse for yourself before you consider walking away from it.

 

Also, you blame yourself way too much. You first had sex in March? You have been dating all this time, and then she objects that you introduce her as your girlfriend? You don't think this is a little strange? It's not like you wanted to tell your parents that she's your future wife. I would have walked away from this right then and there because if she can't muster this minimal expression of commitment, I'd question her loyalty and dedication. You are not "too needy" to expect a little bit more than a thread-thin, barebones type of pseudo-relationship.

 

Let me be frank with you, and sorry if it hurts: You have two months before you'll be gone for a quarter of a year. She's 19 and your relationship is over or at least heavily damaged right now, and it has been falling apart for a while. Even if you manage to patch this up in the next eight weeks, I do not believe it will have the strength or the substance to survive your stay in South Africa. I'd say it's likely that you'd return and she'd tell you that the absence has shown her that this isn't what she wants.

 

I may be wrong about this and I know it won't stop you from hoping and wishing and trying. But I wanted to put it on the table for your mind to chew on when you have a few moments of clarity.

 

Stay out of the bottle. Alcohol is a depressant.

 

Thank you. I won't text her. It seems that NC is a good strategy for getting one's ex back, but my ex has an entire sorority backing her up and keeping her company when she's feeling down. Also, she is out partying and having a good time (even though I heard when she gets really drunk, she ends up crying about our relationship and may even regret breaking up).

 

Her best friend did offer to give me her phone #, but I didn't take it. She was too drunk and I was afraid if I asked her advice, she'd go tell my ex I was asking for advice to get back together with her. I doubt she would have remembered giving me her number.

[CC12]

(even though I heard when she gets really drunk, she ends up crying about our relationship and may even regret breaking up).

 

You really need to stop getting info about her from her friends. It's juvenile and it's not helping you move on and get over it.

[lakerman34]

You really need to stop getting info about her from her friends. It's juvenile and it's not helping you move on and get over it.

 

I don't 'get' info, I'm 'given' info. I don't go asking, her friends actually come and tell me. This is why I'm confused.

[CC12]

I don't 'get' info, I'm 'given' info. I don't go asking, her friends actually come and tell me. This is why I'm confused.

 

Then ask your/her friends to stop giving you info. Say, "Hey, thanks, buddy, but I don't want to hear about what she's doing. If she needs me to know something, she can tell me herself. Anyway, let's do some kegstands" or whatever it is you youths do to get wasted nowadays.

[lakerman34]

Then ask your/her friends to stop giving you info. Say, "Hey, thanks, buddy, but I don't want to hear about what she's doing. If she needs me to know something, she can tell me herself. Anyway, let's do some kegstands" or whatever it is you youths do to get wasted nowadays.

 

Actually, that was the EXACT approach I was gonna take hahaha. "I know you're trying to help, but I'm done talking about it, if she has something she wants to say to me, it's up to her to get over her pride and say it. In the mean time, I'm enjoying the single life."

[lakerman34]

So, it's been 17 days since the breakup, and about 13 days of strict NC. I still have feelings for her, but they died down quite a bit and I've accepted I'm not getting her back.

 

I got with a girl from another school Saturday night (went to visit a friend). It was VERY tough for me to get with her, and I imagined she was my ex the entire time. Woke up the next morning, and felt so upset about it.

 

I get back to school the next day, and a close friend of mine (she and I have been friends for 4 years, she and my ex have been friends for a month) tells me RIGHT OFF THE BAT that she still likes me and thinks we can make the relationship work. I told her that that's great, but she has to come talk to me. My friend alerted me that my ex WANTS me to go talk to her and that somehow shows that I'm THE MAN of the relationship (whole business of 'being more of a man' is my friend's, not my ex's. My ex wouldn't even consider questioning my manhood after being with me for 7 months ).

 

She told me my ex would probably not come talk to me because, once again, she's too proud. I told her 'if she can't get over her pride to come talk to me, that sends the message that I'm not worth it to her. Now I want to stop talking about this now.'

 

My friend told me she'd talk to her about it.

 

I also alerted my friend (she's not one to kiss and tell, she only relays messages from my ex that she wants me to know about) that I'm not even sure that I want my ex back, not because I don't like her anymore (I still have lingering feelings, though not as strong), but because I'm almost done with school and am applying to programs, and I just think the next year or so of my life may be more exciting to me if I'm single. Still, I'd hear my ex out if she wanted to talk.

 

Needless to say, friends of mine are 50/50 on this. Some say 'dude, you got the go-ahead to go talk to her, she wants you back. If you want her, go get her.' The other half say, 'stay strong, man. She broke up with you, it's her job to go talk to you.'

 

Part of me wants to just text her and say 'let's talk,' and then play off the very confident, sort of bored guy and have her lead the conversation.

 

The other part of me says 'if she doesn't contact me, I'm not worth it, so I'm going to continue to move--a process that, frankly, in 2-3 weeks will be fully complete.'

 

Advice? I know that people on this forum are all about NC and sticking to it, but how about when a VERY good source tells you that your ex REALLY wants you back, but she wants to you to reconcile the relationship because she believes it's THE MAN's job?

[Perpetually Learning]

Part of me wants to just text her and say 'let's talk,' and then play off the very confident, sort of bored guy and have her lead the conversation.

 

You asking her to talk isn't going to make you seem like the confident, bored guy. Just putting that out there.

 

Advice? I know that people on this forum are all about NC and sticking to it, but how about when a VERY good source tells you that your ex REALLY wants you back, but she wants to you to reconcile the relationship because she believes it's THE MAN's job?

I don't think there should be a "men should do this" and "women should do that" when it comes to working on a relationship. It's 50/50. You put in your effort, and she puts in her's. You're doing right by telling her friends that you don't want to hear it and that if she has something to say, she should come to you. You're doing what you can from my perspective, now it's her turn. If not, then it's not worth it for you and you can walk away knowing you did what you could. Edited October 24, 2012 by Perpetually Learning

[VeveCakes]

Whatever you do just don't bloody TEXT her!! Texting is so insincere, pussyish. Either call her, or better yet go see her.

 

Ask HER what you want to know instead of a bunch of strangers on the Internet. If you get the run around then forget her. If you get a straight answer then great! Go from there.

[CC12]

Advice? I know that people on this forum are all about NC and sticking to it, but how about when a VERY good source tells you that your ex REALLY wants you back, but she wants to you to reconcile the relationship because she believes it's THE MAN's job?

 

I think I've said this before, but you really should stop listening to your friends. It's gossip. Nothing more. As well-meaning as your friends might be, you can't consider their information reliable. Their version is colored by what they want, what they think you or your ex should do, or what they think they heard her say. You said yourself that the "man's job" part was added by your friend, and wasn't something you thought your ex would say.

 

Imagine a scenario where after she broke up with you, that was it. None of your mutual friends were talking about it, nobody was telling you what she supposedly wants you to do, nothing. Would you still be considering calling her, or would you be further along your way to being over it?

 

She told me my ex would probably not come talk to me because, once again, she's too proud. I told her 'if she can't get over her pride to come talk to me, that sends the message that I'm not worth it to her. Now I want to stop talking about this now.'

 

You did the last part right, but the rest of it was you (purposely, I think) sending a message to your ex through your friend. Next time this happens, stop whoever is gossiping to you and say, "Thanks, but I don't want to talk about her behind her back. If there's something I need to know, she can tell me about it." Don't let her use your mutual friends to send you messages, and you shouldn't do it either. It's really petty and kind of classless.

 

I don't recommend contacting her, because a relationship with this ex-kind-of-sort-of girlfriend doesn't seem worth saving, especially considering all the upcoming changes in your lives. But if you do, understand that you don't have any "go-ahead." All you have is meaningless gossip. But, hey, at least you can use that as an opening, if you really, really must talk to her. Call her on the phone and say, "Your friends keep telling me a lot of things about you. Is there something you wanted me to know?" Of course, that opens you up for having the same question asked of you, so be prepared with an answer.

Edited October 24, 2012 by CC12

[lakerman34]

Yeah, going to continue NC and move on.

 

Today, I saw her in passing (small campus) and she pulled the 'I'm texting someone' trick.

 

After telling my friend this story, she said, "I don't think she wants to talk to you. She hasn't brought up reconciliation again, and I very highly doubt she's going to contact you. Just let it go."

 

Her pride sucks.

 

Her birthday is on the 27th, I'll text her at about 10:30 at night and wish her a happy birthday and hope she has an awesome evening. I believe it to be the 'man' thing to do, and maybe it'll open up a positive dialogue, but my bet would be she texts me midday the next day with a simple "Thanks."

[lakerman34]

Went out to a party just now, and saw her locking lips with another dude. I'm pissed, and I'm done. Acted cool in the party, smiled, talked to a couple people, now FURIOUS.